Compassion or no Compassion?

rpalland

I have a really difficult question, which has been bothering me for quite some time now.

The other day, at the house where I am house sitting for the Christmas holidays, a man came to the house and asked for water and money. I said to him I have nothing, knowing full well that the basin with water is right behind me.

I live in South Africa and South Africa is infamous for the high crime rate, murders and home invasions. I was too terrified to give this man any water or money, even though it was a sweltering hot day (Southern Hemisphere SUMMER).

For some reason, I still feel terrible for not giving him any water, and as soon I said no to him, he became extremely threatening and eventually left after I threatened him back.

I am usually compassionate and I am a very strict Buddhist when it comes to compassion and lessening the suffering of others. Was this right? Not to give this man any water as he might have done something to me?

What else am I supposed to do?

Please help.

poptart

It's your choice to make as you are in the situation and only you can balance your own need for safety against this man's need for water. You are not obliged to help anyone when it comes down to it. The man was imposing on you by knocking on your door. I would say given the prevalence of crime in your neighbourhood you most likely made the right decision. He may have gone on to another house where there were more occupants who didn't feel threatened by helping him.

We all want to help others when we can but there is no need to be foolish about risking our own safety.

misecmisc1

@rpalland: i was also going to post a query relating to a practical situation, which i am facing these days. Seeing your post thought of posting my question here only, instead of raising a new thread.

Moderator comment:
Bulk of post, removed.
Please feel free to start your own thread, thanks.

person

I think the recommendation is to give money to charitable institutions that help the homeless instead of giving money directly to them.

Sometimes people are homeless through no real fault of their own and getting a job when you're not able to clean yourself properly or have an address where your employer can contact you is hard.

ajnast4r

what you did wasn't wrong or uncompassionate imo. if crime around you is how you say it is, it would be foolish to open up for anyone. this is the unfortunate state of the world we live in, but it is what it is.

AMH

I understand the struggle. I live in an area that is not as dangerous however it is 2 blocks off the 'bad street' in denver. So i do have people coming by offering to shovel snow or rake leaves or mow depending on the season to earn money. I have not given anyone work yet, Ihave 3 teens after all. What I do is buy the local homeless newspaper that they sell for abotu $2 or donation. The writers, publishers and street vendors are all homeless or previously homeless and working. I don't know if you have anything like that, or if disposable water bottles are inexpensive. if you feel you want to do something next time handing a bottle of water through the door and closing it firmly is an option.

On a regular basis (a couple times a month) i am at a stoplight or another place along this road when someone who is obviously mentally off is close by and reacting to things. It got worse when we had the take back wall street protesters at the capital, I agree they can protest however it was unclear who was stable and safe and who was not when you were in the area. I spent a lot of my teen punk years downtown and it is a hard balance to not judge but to also use enough judgement to be safe. I say this because i have thought a lot about what it means to be compassionate in these cases.

I think that whether or not you are compassionate sometimes cannot be seem from the outside, but is inside. The thoughts you have can be 'it is a hot day, however this does not feel safe, i let him go in peace' or something else like 'what a bum'. Only you will know but it does matter.

compassionate_warrior

@rpalland Reality Check: you were housesitting ! Meaning, you were responsible for maintaining the integrity of the homeowners' property. Therefore, you did the right thing.

You have no idea what might have happened if you'd turned away from the door to fetch a glass of water and/or some food. Think about it. You TOTALLY did the right thing! Now I hope you can give your conscience a rest. Good work.

If you want to be compassionate in your own home, and take the risks, that's your choice. When you're responsible for someone else's home, it would be irresponsible to take such a risk. And the beggar's belligerent attitude makes me tend toward believing you could have had a serious mess on your hands if you'd complied with his request. How would your conscience have felt then, having to turn a trashed house over to its owner when he/she/they returned?

Jeffrey

Another look: Think what happens if you are assaulted? The damage that could do to you psychologically or your death? Now think if that happens then what? All the people you later help would be without you.

Thus by protection of the center of your mandala of compassion (your life and sanity) you also are caring better for the people you *can* reach.

rpalland

Thank you so much for everyone for their kind words. I really appreciate it. I feel soooo much better now. I now know in future how to handle these situations. It is true what all of you are saying, the house is my responsibility and also, I really like the way AHeerdt put it with the impact of the thoughts.

I will give my conscience a rest and focus on improving the world in other possible ways.

Thanks so much everyone. It truly means the world to me.

federica

if you want to help someone, tell them to wait while you close the door.
then, be on your guard when you open it again, having gotten yourself a big stick you have handy, just in case.
In fact, keep it by the front door.

Dakini

if you want to help someone, tell them to wait while you close the door.

This is a really good point. Everyone: if someone comes to your door and asks for any kind of help--to call roadside assistance for a car problem, to call police, for any reason whatsoever, do not let them in to use the phone. Tell them you'll call for them, and close the door while you make the call. Do not let strangers into your home.

Thanks for the reminder, Federica.