Question on compassion

KushBuddha

Ever since I became a Buddhist my life has been great! I have had more compassion for myself and others than I have ever had in my entire life. The only problem is my brother. I have tried to let go of my hatred towards him, but he has done
Some really awful things to me and I honestly don't think I can ever forgive him. I've been ignoring him for the past year , but I feel like that is such a cold heartless thing to do . Does anyone have any advice for me to even take a step closer to forgiving him ?

person

Try doing some compassion meditation and visualize sending him some. You'll probably get some internal resistance, but keep it up and your heart should soften towards him over time.

vinlyn

You remind me of me, although in my case my sister did the horrible things to my mother, and I was kind of out of the picture since I lived out of the state.

I think there are two approaches. One was mentioned by Person, above.

The other approach is to simply set your relationship with your brother aside. Not with any hate or dislike or disdain. Become neutral. But also become open -- down the road -- to some type of reconciliation.

My sister died a year ago, and when it happened we had not communicated in several years. I felt sympathy for her, for her drug and alcohol addictions, for her life style...all of which led to her somewhat early death. But I didn't feel personally sad because I allowed her to lead the kind of life that she always seemed to want -- to be away from family.

Raven

Family drama can try the most patient of hearts. There is something about family that is extra-beautiful, but also extra-stressful. Being hurt by a family member has its own special kind of sting.

Compassion does not mean being a doormat. Don't forget, you should have compassion for yourself, too, which means you don't have to put yourself in a situation that you know is going to cause you pain. If being around someone is too much to bear, there's nothing that says you have to do it anyway.

You can have compassion for your brother without having him in your space. You can mediate on kindness and compassion, as person says, without him being in your immediate environment.

There were some years where my brother and I could barely be in the same room with one another. It was ugly and stressful, and a lot of terrible things got said. It wasn't until I realized that by pushing the issue I was poking at the blister that I just stopped. My brother is a good person, but we are very, very different. Different is ok - different is better than pretending to be the same.

My point is that by trying to force something that may not come naturally, you might be doing more harm than good. By expecting him to do one thing and being disappointed when he does something else, you are adding to your suffering and not showing him OR yourself compassion.

You may have to step back for a while. Take some space for you, and at the same time, give that space to him. When the dust settles, you'll see what you're faced with, and you can make more choices then.

taiyaki

Looks like you found your teacher.

Forgive and let go. See with wisdom that you are only harming yourself when aversion or resentment arises.

You are just cutting yourself with a knife. Over and over again. So cut it out and forgive.

Then relentlessly shower thoughts of love at him. Keyword is relentlessly.

Do this for all of the sentient beings in this world. Start to see your brother as he is. Just another sentient being.

If they were truly happy they wouldn't of harmed you. Wish that they had true peace and happiness. Wish that you had peace and happiness so that you can show that such expression is possible.

It is hard but do you have another choice?

driedleaf

Maybe sometimes we should look at our own mistakes that we have made with others. Would anyone forgive us for some of the terrible things that we have done? How would we feel they cannot forgive us? Perhaps we can learn to forgive so that we can feel better about being ourselves, and make the other person feel better too. Being able to forgive is a good start. We do not have to change our entire personality just to forgive.

vinlyn

Maybe sometimes we should look at our own mistakes that we have made with others. Would anyone forgive us for some of the terrible things that we have done? How would we feel they cannot forgive us? Perhaps we can learn to forgive so that we can feel better about being ourselves, and make the other person feel better too. Being able to forgive is a good start. We do not have to change our entire personality just to forgive.

A very good point. I am one who is part Buddhist and part Christian. And when I say the Lord's Prayer I reword it to make it more meaningful to me, and always remember to say, "and forgive me my sins as I have forgiven those who have sinned against me." I know many people here do not believe in the concept of "sin", but my point still stands.

Spaceless

Compassion breed compassion and i dun think hatred can breed compassion.