advice on selfishness

Lady_Alison

I'm 28 years old and spent most of my life only caring about myself in a self absorbed and stubborn fashion. I feel like I have just been the cause of a 16 car pile up in which everyone died except me.

So I have been spending some time alone looking back at my wreckage of a life and have decided that I can no longer live with myself the way I am...my selfish choices have caused so much suffering that I am hurting.

Basically I wonder if changing and practicing unconditional love through the tenants of the great religions is just another selfish pursuit...after all you are doing it because you feel less like s#it..

But in the end doesn't doing good to others just another selfish trap... ?

I guess it boils down to a choice?
A. Continue to do things for me and birth suffering..
B. Do good to others because you "desire" freedom from your suffering..

Just wondering what everyone thought ...

vinlyn

Well, I think you're now ready to begin, and I give you kudos for examining your life.

ajnast4r

Basically I wonder if changing and practicing unconditional love through the tenants of the great religions is just another selfish pursuit...

happiness is not a selfish pursuit. when you're unhappy, what good can you contribute to the world? removing anger, greed, ignorance etc from the mind will only serve to help you be happy and to help you help others be happy.

BonsaiDoug

I guess it boils down to a choice?
A. Continue to do things for me and birth suffering..
B. Do good to others because you "desire" freedom from your suffering..

Choose A and B. I'm not sure you have to decide between the "choices" you've given.

I agree with vinlyn. And... you've made this wonderful analysis at a very early age. Trust me, many people don't get to that place 'till much later in life.

Lady_Alison

Inst.Thank you...i am deeply afraid of lying to myself because for decades I thought I was a good person, but only in a selfish manner...now that I want to change it is met with anger from loved ones...they say "what first time in 12 years?" And they are right ...they think it's a selfish phase that I am trying to change because in the past I swore I would change and didn't...i don't want to kill myself but I have to kill whatever is causing my loved ones to look at me with resentment and hate ...is that selfish? It isn't until we loose that we reflect on what's important...

ajnast4r

Inst.Thank you...i am deeply afraid of lying to myself because for decades I thought I was a good person, but only in a selfish manner...now that I want to change it is met with anger from loved ones...they say "what first time in 12 years?" And they are right ...they think it's a selfish phase that I am trying to change because in the past I swore I would change and didn't...i don't want to kill myself but I have to kill whatever is causing my loved ones to look at me with resentment and hate ...is that selfish? It isn't until we loose that we reflect on what's important...

realizing you've been hurting others and deeply desiring to change yourself is a profound insight! and one -everyone- will have one time or another... so don't be too hard on yourself.

you have to expect that the people you hurt are going to give you a hard time. all you can do is try not to let it turn into guilt, and make amends by practicing loving-kindness, compassion, & generosity towards them.

Lady_Alison

I have difficulty learning how to put peoples needs and desires before my own...how can a person learn unconditional love?

Very true..i would get in the habit of pity parties everytime my flaws would come to light...and I just came out of another cycle of depression realizing that it was indulgent and left me too exhausted.

So living the buddha way, or golden rule or compassion is a choice?

ajnast4r

selfishness in the mind is squashed by practicing generosity. go volunteer, give, do, for free, with love.

vinlyn

I have difficulty learning how to put peoples needs and desires before my own...how can a person learn unconditional love?

Very true..i would get in the habit of pity parties everytime my flaws would come to light...and I just came out of another cycle of depression realizing that it was indulgent and left me too exhausted.

So living the buddha way, or golden rule or compassion is a choice?

I know others will disagree with me on this, but for the time being maybe put aside thoughts about unconditional love. That's a HUGE step. Take some smaller steps.

taiyaki

Be really selfish.

Your purpose on this life is to find happiness and to share that happiness.

So start being really selfish.

Start to focus on other people. By focusing on other people you're not focusing on yourself. When you're not focusing on yourself then there is a chance for happiness to arise. When you are focusing on yourself happiness cannot arise. Thus always focus on everyone else and in turn happiness will arise.

And as happiness arises you will be even more willing to help others. Now in the spectrum of helping other you can do really anything. Simply move with kindness.

So a truly selfish person would carbomb their selfishness by using it for the benefit of all beings, thus attaining true happiness.

With a little wisdom one can change the inherent selfishness of ones grasping into a positive force. This self is merely a stranger that we conditionally grasp as us. If we acknowledge that we automatically are selfish to someone who we don't know yet. For instance I help myself by eating healthier, but the future me isn't really me but someone else.

Not sure if this is a concept that I can sell upfront, but if you can grasp it intellectually then it might be of some use. Everyone is actually a stranger and selfishness is a pure energy that is directed in a misperception. We are inherently kind and compassion to ourselves.

So be completely selfish and see what really makes you happy.

ajnast4r

I know others will disagree with me on this, but for the time being maybe put aside thoughts about unconditional love. That's a HUGE step. Take some smaller steps.

I agree, this is the Buddhas way! baby steps, gradual training

Lady_Alison

Thank you all for your kind words. Because of my choices I have maybe two people in my life and neither want to talk to me right now... Virtual hugs...

What is the difference between being hard on your self and pushing yourself to be good?

ajnast4r

being hard on yourself includes negative emotions directed at yourself... guilt, shame, hatred, anger, etc.

pushing yourself to do good is motivated by positive emotions

taiyaki

Thank you all for your kind words. Because of my choices I have maybe two people in my life and neither want to talk to me right now... Virtual hugs...

What is the difference between being hard on your self and pushing yourself to be good?

i was told that the only negativity worth having is regret. regret is not guilt.

with regret we change our ways. it creates the correct momentum so we can get our shit together.

taiyaki

but regret if earnestly taken up should bring results. such results should make you happier.

sorry forgot to add that part. 50% regret 50% joyful effort

Lady_Alison

Taiyaki... I see the wisdom of your words about eating healthier for your future self... That is love for self...but not selfish.

I think of my 15 year old self and think"why did you hurt me?"

So taking a positive change thru denial of ego and the steps to a compassionate life thru right action is a healthy selfish desire. ?

I feel like a newborn...you mean there are other layers to living besides me?

Lol

Jeffrey

I have difficulty learning how to put peoples needs and desires before my own...how can a person learn unconditional love?

Very true..i would get in the habit of pity parties everytime my flaws would come to light...and I just came out of another cycle of depression realizing that it was indulgent and left me too exhausted.

So living the buddha way, or golden rule or compassion is a choice?

I know others will disagree with me on this, but for the time being maybe put aside thoughts about unconditional love. That's a HUGE step. Take some smaller steps.

conditional love is training for love for all beings..

taiyaki

lol if you're going to desire something...you're better off desiring something useful.

all happiness comes from focusing on others.
all unhappiness comes from focusing on the self.

ultimately there is no self or other. but because we see dualistically/inherently we must purify our karma so that we set the correct conditions for wisdom to ripen.

so desire happiness and peace for yourself. and you do this through the vehicle of focusing on other people. by focusing on other people you in turn realize that you need to be enlightened so that you can help them. thus spiritual ocd is born or bodhicitta.

no need to get rid of selfishness. just transform it into something more useful.

person

The Dalai Lama often says if you're going to be selfish you should at least be wisely selfish. Meaning exactly what @taiyaki is saying true happiness comes about by focusing on others so if you want to be happy help others to be happy.

Also, it's really great that you're able to look at yourself and see where you can improve.

driedleaf

I believe true happiness comes from finding peace. Peacefulness of mind. Peacefulness of self. Peace towards all beings.