My sister in law is returning the gift to me that I give her!

Dandelion

Hello forum

I'm a bit offended (I'm trying not to be, I know I'm not being very Buddhist about this *sigh*)
Relations with my sister in law have been a little tense over the past yr. Things changed after I married her brother which is a shame because we got on so well before then. She is nearly 40, unmarried, without a partner and no kids, and she would love to be married. I think she has struggled to deal with her younger brother getting married, whilst she is not. I seem to have been the one to bear the brunt of this. Anyway, I have spoken to my husband about this, and he thinks it is also a jealousy issue. I have continued to try maintain good relations with her, and to keep compassion. She used to be a dancer, and quite a while ago (before I married her brother), we went to see the film 'The Red Shoes' at the cinema, and then we went for dinner; we had a lovely time! This Christmas one of the gifts I bought her was a glass pendant of a pair of red shoes (in reference to our outing, and her love for dance). I received an email from her recently saying she 'gets the red shoes reference' but can she return the gift to me so I can give it to someone else that would want it as it's 'not really her thing'. Ok, fair enough we all drop a boo boo from time to time and get it wrong when choosing a gift for someone, but I kind of feel like this is a bit of a slap in the face to be honest.... and insensitive of her, but maybe I'm being melodramatic? I don't know. I just feel sad. Anyway, I figure that if she has told me she doesn't want the gift, then the easiest thing to do is say I'll accept it back, which I have done, very politely, via email. I'm dreading the moment she hands it back to me, it will be a little awkward. I would never dream of saying to someone I didn't want the gift they gave me because I don't like it! I would discreetly find a new home for it myself, and be gracious and thankful for the thought. I'm upset because I put thought into the gift and since things have been tense, I just feel stupid and embarrassed now for making efforts with her. I don't know what to make of it all, maybe it's my problem, my ego at fault here. What do you think?

Iktomi

Defiantly not cool.

robot

I think you should paste a smile on your face, apologize for purchasing the wrong type of gift and accept it back. Making an issue out of it will make the problem worse and is unlikely to heal any rift that is there. You are going to be related to this woman for life.
I don't think you have any reason to be embarrassed. You have done the right thing so far. IMO

Lady_Alison

Whatever you do... Don't react when you get the gift back. Just breathe and you could get your husband to get them back for you... She obviously didn't get the sentiment and you have such high expectations and hopes surrounding this relationship. You can't make someone love you.

Just be peaceful around her for the sake of your family and live your life. maybe she'll come around, maybe not...but that is her decision and one you have no control of.

Or are u gonna spend your happy marriage complaining to your husband and his family about her actions and thereby making them choose?

Who's side do you think they'll choose by you bringing it up.?

Chose your battles...

It sound s to me that you could use your loving kindness somewhere else. Instead of throwing your pearls before swine.

I hope she does change...for her sake not yours

Dakini

Yeah, put on a good front. Clearly she has issues, and they're hers, not yours, so treat her with compassion.

Too bad to lose a friend, though. Maybe time she'll come around.

federica

Oh good grief! It's just a pair of shoes!
the more seriously you take this, the more impact it will have on the negative side of things!

Go round to her place, put a big smile on your face and say this:
"Ok, let's both decide who these are going to go to! who can we pass these on to? and then you and I will go out together and do lunch - my treat! and we can have a 'Ladies who shop' outing - just us, nobody else! how's that?"

And next time you give a present to ANYONE - put this note in with it, no matter who the recipient is....

I really hope you like your present, and that it brings you joy and pleasure. It is given to you with much love and affection, and as a token of these, I hope it brings you happiness. But: when you have finished it, or when it no longer appeals and has out-worn it’s welcome (as so many well-meant gifts do!) feel absolutely free to dispose of it, let it go, and pass it on to some other worthy cause. It may be just what someone else has been looking for, desperately needs and couldn’t possibly live without! So keep it for as long as feelings dictate, and part with it when they do likewise. I won’t be offended, because, although the item is disposable, the sentiment behind it is more durable; my good feelings for you will be around long after this gift has gone.
All my love,

It's amazing what an effect it has, because it releases any obligation, on anybody's part, to commit to attachment.

Cinorjer

I agree with federica, you need to be able to laugh at something like this. So the woman doesn't know how to accept a gift. That must have been a strange family she was raised up in. Me, I would have told her it belongs to her now so just donate it to someone who would appreciate it or even drop it off at salvation army place or something.

Dandelion

Many thanks for all the replies, much appreciated.

Whatever you do... Don't react when you get the gift back. Just breathe and you could get your husband to get them back for you... She obviously didn't get the sentiment and you have such high expectations and hopes surrounding this relationship. You can't make someone love you.

Just be peaceful around her for the sake of your family and live your life. maybe she'll come around, maybe not...but that is her decision and one you have no control of.

Or are u gonna spend your happy marriage complaining to your husband and his family about her actions and thereby making them choose?

Who's side do you think they'll choose by you bringing it up.?

Chose your battles...

It sound s to me that you could use your loving kindness somewhere else. Instead of throwing your pearls before swine.

I hope she does change...for her sake not yours

Hi Lady Alison. My husband knew she was going to return the gift to me before I even knew, and I don't think he is all that impressed either. It's not about choosing sides, and that is the last thing I would want. I would feel very very sad it if it ever came to that, hence why I rarely mention her rude behaviour to him, and I have never mentioned diddly squat to anyone else in the family. I have made it clear to my husband that his sister is ALWAYS welcome in our home, and their relationship is exactly that; THEIRS, so for me this isn't about a battle. I just wish things were the way they were (nice), and I think this is the crux of MY problem - accepting that things have changed, and I'm struggling to deal with it. I am ALWAYS peaceful around her, including the times when I'm alone in a room with her and she is really shi*ty with me - my husband doesn't know about this, when I need to get this off my chest I confide in a friend, because I actually think he would be pretty annoyed with her and then there WOULD be a big problem. Yes, you are correct about me using my loving kindness somewhere else - I think this is where my feelings of embarrassment come into play; it feels weirdly pathetic of me to be bothered about the hurtful behaviour. If I can't accept that my relationship with my sister in law has changed, that is my problem and it's time I started to deal with it in a much better way. @federica it would be lovely if we could go out for lunch, but as I just said, she is not all that nice when it's just me and her. If other people are around she is very friendly. I feel frustrated by this, it feels sneaky and manipulative, but again, it is MY RESPONSIBILITY to find a better way of dealing with it instead of getting in a pickle, which solves nothing. I love the suggested letter you gave as an example, but I think coming from me that would sound SO SARCASTIC, and it probably wouldn't help. But maybe I can write a similar letter - the idea is good, thank you. I'm not the kind of person that would will ever be able to laugh at something like this, but I can give it a good shot at focusing my energy on the lovely friends and relatives I have, rather than trying to flog a dead horse, to death. So, my plan is to focus now on continuing to be polite to her when I see her, but not to have expectations about how I would like her to behave. Not to feed the negativity with my own feelings of negativity about it, basically. If that makes sense. Acceptance.
@Cinorjer I wish I had done that. It sounds like a polite, yet firm way of dealing with the situation, and that sounds healthy to me. I am also going to focus on better ways of dealing with her rudeness, without also going down the rude territory myself. A middle way

Lady_Alison

You say that she is a wicked bitch when you are alone, try to buffer people around... While loving kindness is a good practice, it is also unwise to take abuse. If the situation doesn't change, speak out to her about it, with a witness and keep your distance.

You seem like a kind person and your presence has taken the focus away from her and to you.

Jelousy rings, how pety. I feel disgusted by her. Maybe you can refocus your feelings into nurturing other female relationships. I have no sisters, but my best friends mean more to me than family. They are my soul mates, my life line.

Be your kind wonderful self, in life you will run into lots of idiots or emotional empty hallow shells.

Bu t be cunning, wise.

sndymorn

The choice of a thoughtful gift is a beautiful thing: that choice was yours.
Her rejection is mostly immaterial. Do not court her , only continue with your sweet ways.
Should you wish, take little thought selecting her gift in the future. In that regard, the pressure is off.
The beauty of all your efforts should (for you) overwhelm "Missy's " negativity.

federica

I hope she's not expecting anything as a replacement.....
I agree with @Lady_Alison.... just trying to be magnanimous and 'Buddhist' is just making you a doormat in her eyes, which she feels gives her carte blanche to be able to act like this any time she chooses... to her, you just seem to roll over and take it....
the concept of 'turning the other cheek' has often been cited as the passive way to deflect hostility and animosity, but in fact, it has a ring of defiance in it....

Jesus clarifies his meaning by three brief examples. "If anyone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also." Why the right cheek? How does one strike another on the right cheek anyway? Try it. A blow by the right fist in that right-handed world would land on the left cheek of the opponent. To strike the right cheek with the fist would require using the left hand, but in that society the left hand was used only for unclean tasks. As the Dead Sea Scrolls specify, even to gesture with the left hand at Qumran carried the penalty of ten days penance. The only way one could strike the right cheek with the right hand would be with the back of the hand.

read on, it's interesting....

http://www.ekklesia.co.uk/node/9385

Dandelion

Yes, perhaps I need to 'grow a pair'
@federica I don't think she is expecting anything to replace the gift and yes I agree and suspect she views me as a doormat. Thank you for the link, I've read through it 3 times so far, lol! I am going to physically copy it and write it out again so I have a hard copy I can keep; writing lines. In this case I think I need to write the link out and it (the link) is the perfect tonic. I don't have a problem standing up for someone else that gets treated unfairly, but where I tend to struggle (not always, but often) is if I have to stand up for myself. I freeze, then the moment is gone and I feel it is too late; a fear of conflict, and a fear of making things worse, but then I end up ruminating which is so unhealthy. My intention with this matter I am clear on, to stop the weird behaving from her coming my way. It is not to hurt her, but it is most definitely to stop myself from being hurt by her. Finding a way to stand up for oneself without resorting to nastiness I accept as being a strong karmic lesson I have to learn in this lifetime.
I am very glad this thread I started has been so helpful :thumbup:

BonsaiDoug

The choice of a thoughtful gift is a beautiful thing: that choice was yours.
Her rejection is mostly immaterial.

Exactly! The giving, from your heart, was your action. Beyong that, you have no control at all. Your karma was the choice, the thoughtfulness, and the giving. You have absolutely no control of another's actions or karma.

Dandelion

The choice of a thoughtful gift is a beautiful thing: that choice was yours.
Her rejection is mostly immaterial.

Exactly! The giving, from your heart, was your action. Beyong that, you have no control at all. Your karma was the choice, the thoughtfulness, and the giving. You have absolutely no control of another's actions or karma.

@sndymorn and @BonsaiDoug yes that's a good way to look at it. I hadn't thought of it like that before. It actually releases (trying to think of the right word now!) something negative from me (still can't pin down the right word) when thinking of it in those terms.

BonsaiDoug

It actually releases (trying to think of the right word now!) something negative from me (still can't pin down the right word) when thinking of it in those terms.

You may very well be experiencing limbic resonance with your SIL. The sharing of deep emotional states; the capacity for empathy and non-verbal connection. You're "sharing" her negativity, and you can't quite figure out what's going on. All you can do is own yourself.

Dandelion

It actually releases (trying to think of the right word now!) something negative from me (still can't pin down the right word) when thinking of it in those terms.

You may very well be experiencing limbic resonance with your SIL. The sharing of deep emotional states; the capacity for empathy and non-verbal connection. You're "sharing" her negativity, and you can't quite figure out what's going on. All you can do is own yourself.

Ahhh.
It would explain I think as to why I have felt so discombobulated about all of this. Contextualising the emotions into a cerebral term I find helpful too, it helps to make a clearer path and you realise you have choices, once you can see a bit more clearly what is going on. If this is what happens, and now I'm realising it I feel more able to make a decision to like you say 'own myself'; I suppose we are all more capable than we first realise to not to take on board another persons negativity as if it is our own, and see that our emotions do not have to be aligned with another persons. I can still choose to identify with the positive act of giving, rather than her negative act of not accepting.
I think for some people this all comes much more naturally, and it might seem a little odd I am having difficulty here (sorry about that), as I've been getting in a muddle but now I am starting to see things I feel, a bit more clearly.
I suspect this is going to be a lifetimes work to deal with things like this in a constructive way, my own sensitivity causes so much confusion, and I suppose sensitivity might be making me likely to experience negative limbic resonance, if that is in fact what is going on.

Lady_Alison

@dandelion send the shoes to me. I'm not a bitch. I'll be your friend/sister

Lady_Alison

Are you an infp or infj?

Lady_Alison

It actually releases (trying to think of the right word now!) something negative from me (still can't pin down the right word) when thinking of it in those terms.

You may very well be experiencing limbic resonance with your SIL. The sharing of deep emotional states; the capacity for empathy and non-verbal connection. You're "sharing" her negativity, and you can't quite figure out what's going on. All you can do is own yourself.

@bonsaidoug
Sorry what is sil and limbic system?

BonsaiDoug

Sorry... SIL = sister-in-law.

Limbic resonance is probably more better described as "mood contagion" or "emotional contagion;" whereby people actually harmonize their emotional states.

This will explain it much better than I:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limbic_resonance
http://www.artandpopularculture.com/Limbic_resonance

Dandelion

Are you an infp or infj?

An INFJ. How did you know?!

Raven

There's nothing like family to make you nuts. Your intention with the gift was positive, and your SIL must have been raised in a barn to simply give it back - but I digress. Here is an opportunity to practice compassion, as her behaviour is maybr rooted in some larger problem.

However, there is a difference between having compassion and saying, "Hey! Walk all over me!" In this situation, you've learned (or perhaps remembered) something about your SIL. Such lessons are important, and are worth hanging on to.

Raven

Somewhere higher on the thread, someone (forget who) mentioned apologising for buying the wrong gift. As a Canadian, "I'm sorry" pop out a hundred times a day - but in your situation, such an apology would do more harm than good, I think. You bought her something out of ther goodness of your heart - you put thought into it, and it meant somerthing. Her dislike is on her, not you. To apologise for the "wrong" gift just feeds into her expectations further. You've done nothing wrong here. You can't change your past interactions, but here is a chance to affect the future ones.

Dandelion

@Raven yes, this has been a lesson for me, I am going to try and make it a worth while one. Thank you for your input

person

I feel that her returning the gift was an effort to hurt you in some way. For whatever reason she doesn't want to get along, maybe some jealousy or something. Its a good thing to be thoughtful and kind in giving gifts. If you can do that just for the reason of it being the good and right thing instead of as an effort to win her support if she rejects your overture there is less pain on your side. I'm guessing you were hoping she would like the gift and learn to appreciate you more, when she didn't meet those expectations you got hurt.

On one occasion, the Buddha was invited by the Brahmin Bharadvaja for alms to his house. As invited, the Buddha visited the house of the Brahmin. Instead of entertaining Him, the Brahmin poured forth a torrent of abuse with the filthiest of words. The Buddha politely inquired:

"Do visitors come to your house, good Brahmin?"
"Yes," he replied.
"What do you do when they come?"
"Oh, we prepare a sumptuous feast."
"What do you if they refuse to receive the meal?"
"Why, we gladly partake of them ourselves."
"Well, good Brahmin, you have invited me for alms and entertained me with abuse which I decline to accept. So now it belongs to you."
From the Akkosa Sutta

If you refuse to accept her negativity it belongs to her.

Lady_Alison

@person...this is a new pov and I think it's very valid. Good perception.

Makes you wonder why people love drama?

federica

Because they have low self-esteem... this at least elevates them in the attention of others, and makes them noticed. For all the wrong reasons.
Look at her as a petulant little 6-year-old at a party.
not her party.
But she stamps her foot and screams - "don't want it!" when someone offers her ice cream... all attention is on her... though it's not her party....