Breaking the Attachment

ajani_mgo

Well we'd all understand it... But how exactly do you break it off?

For some weeks I have been suffering because of attachment - fear, jealousy, paranoia overcame me in my relationship.

Now it's much alright. I've told her and I'm aware of the problem. As of today we are both very happily together (she'd never know how much that simple smile would mean to me)... But is there any way of logical reasoning I can use to break it off completely?

dawnmike_239

Be honest! Like Lao Tzu wrote, Beautiful words are not always true, true words are not always beautiful. Dawn and I have agreed to always be honest with one another no matter how bad it may sound to the other person or what events may occur afterwards.
Mike

YogaMama

I just read an excellent article regarding change. Here is a bit of the article that you might find helpful:

"Making Change

Identify the Change
Determine one pattern that seems most important to you and connect with your motivation for change. Work with one issue or behavior at a time. The more deeply you want to change—and the more you focus on that pattern or issue—the more quickly change can come.

Enlist Support
Reach out to friends, family, and coworkers—anyone who loves you and can gently (and nonjudgmentally) remind you when you're acting out on old patterns.

Peer Inward
Practice looking inside to identify the signs—feelings, thoughts, body language, shifts in your voice—that reveal you are thinking or acting out of an old pattern. Remember, though, to do this as an observer, not as a judge.

Focus on Feelings
When you notice the triggers of your negative patterns, focus on the deepest level of feeling you can identify. This brings awareness to the energetic source of the behavior. Then, work with a practice that can help you disrupt the patterns in the moment. This can be as simple as stopping and taking a deep breath, or talking back to a negative thought.

Make a Commitment
Stick with your practice of self-inquiry and experiment with different ways of working to shift your state in the moment.

Stay Joyful
Take pleasure in even the subtlest changes (and remind yourself that each one has an exponential effect), and practice compassion for yourself when you experience setbacks."

I hope that helps you out a bit. I know that I am going to follow those steps whenever I want to make a change within myself.

Kim

zenmonk_genryu

ajani_mgo wrote:

Well we'd all understand it... But how exactly do you break it off?

For some weeks I have been suffering because of attachment - fear, jealousy, paranoia overcame me in my relationship.

Now it's much alright. I've told her and I'm aware of the problem. As of today we are both very happily together (she'd never know how much that simple smile would mean to me)... But is there any way of logical reasoning I can use to break it off completely?

No, logical reasoning won't change how you feel. Rather than trying to fight your feelings and break attachment by any effort of will, simply watch them, sit with them, as much as you possibly can.

ajani_mgo

Now I focus on mainly "trust"... I ought to trust.

zenmonk_genryu

No 'oughts' or 'shoulds'. Just, as much as possible, see how you are, not how you would like to be or think you should be.

buddhafoot

I would have to agree with ZM.

I also think that you can't "break" attachments until you've become familiar with them. It's almost like saying "I never want to become angry." when you have anger issues.

I think this road requires some time dealing with and learning from all the things that we experience. Without owning these feelings or experiencing these feelings - you can't let go of them. It's like trying to give away something you don't have in your possession.

And no one said that this path was an easy one.

I wish you the best with this Ajani...

-bf

KungaTashi

Ajani,

Attachement, espescially in the form of relationships is very hard to deal with. In the Buddhist world and not. When my daughers mother and I "detached" from one another it was very hard at first because I was still attached. But eventually I just sat and thought "Hey there is nothing I can do about this, and right now I refuse to feel this way." We are still good friends because we have to be for our daughter, but after two years the attachment was gone and I can look at her and talk to her in a total different way. This situation was many years ago before researching any Buddhism, I was very much a believer in nothing. Like I said, I just realized one day that every other day that I sit and meander in the murk of the bad attachment I wasn't doing anything better for that time, right in that minute. Maybe that was senseless bable, it felt like babble, hehe! Hope it helps.

Hunt4life

I've broken my attachment to something today.

Its easy, really. You do it like this...

ajani_mgo

Oh ya in case anyone of you misunderstood we are still together, it's just that I'm doing this for a rainy day...

But ya, the situation has improved alot. Now I don't have that sourness in my heart anymore, and we are quite comfy together in a relationship.

Another thing, why is it that somehow or other it is usually after having a major conflict/argument/quarrel/misunderstanding/problem/whatever then we grow alot closer together? :rockon:

zenmonk_genryu

Sometimes that is the calmness after the storm. Sometimes, it's the eye of the hurricane. Can you be still within either?

ajani_mgo

I get what you mean Genryu... But I don't think it's that. We are more affected by external factors, not internal ones... And yes, I do understand what you mean, but I think we are more of running away from the storm and also the hurricane. :rockon: Years down the road when our relationship has finally matured then we would build a safe harbour.

KungaTashi

before my wife and I married we got into it pretty good. She left for 1/2 a summer. After that time we realized that we did not want to live without eachother and got back together. We've been doing well since then. Honestly, the difficult situations are sometimes necessary, it kind of clears the air if you know what I mean. But maybe that's just me, hehe! Good to hear everything has worked out well so far though Ajani!

colleen

i dont no how old you are ajani or how long your relationship has been
with this person..
but i do no as we age and our relationship matures.. we tire of fighting.
we may disagree, and our thoughts and feelings change.. but reactions are
followed by actions.. just not necessarily attachment/anger/jealousy..

so just be, just sit.. allow the pleasures and disappointments of external
happenings be..
and the lessons will follow... mellow.. and make more sense

bandargc

How one makes anything happen !!!!! Through the teachings of Buddha there is only one way. That is the through the use of the “eight fold path” & the "four noble truths”. It does not matter what the problem you are facing, but what matters is recognising the reason why you are experiancing this. You now have a choice of changing this reason.

First you need to see “why” you are experiencing what is unpleasantness. Your answer will always be related with a principle within you. These principles are made up of values, culture, traditions, rules, laws, opinions and a lot of other conditions you have accepted to follow. So you will then see that you have disciplines to maintain these principles. When you question the reason as to “why” you are experiencing difficulty you will see that it is because of your expectations against your sustenance of these principles & the associated emotions. So all what you need to do is to either change the reason why you are doing what you are doing or change the principle, so you can overcome the experience with a new descpline. If you can reason this within you and accept this process, then you have just experience a most fundamental step that is needed to experience enlightenment.

May you have the courage & confidence to reason yourself out of attachment !!!!

With much kindness, compassion & respect.