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When compassion runs out
ClayTheScribe
Veteran
Sometimes my compassion just reaches a wall. Today it was with my mother. I'm 26 and live on my own. She announced in December she wanted a divorce from my dad after 32 years of marriage. The winter months are especially hard on my dad as a car salesman and real estate agent and he wasn't making much money before. They were predominantly living on my mom's wages as a teacher. At the time, I was happy with the divorce because their marriage was in shambles in that they had forgotten how to communicate and listen to one another. Anyway, Christmas was difficult, but I got through it. I continued remaining strong, trying not to take sides, spending time with each of them, helping them, etc. Sunday I went with my mom to see her parents and when we got back she asked me to do some things for her, including taking out her trash because it hurt her arm. In the process of taking out the trash the bag broke and cat litter got in my car. I was a little upset that I was always doing chores for her when I went over when I didn't live with her and felt that it would be best if she learned how to be independent as this was her decision. Tonight I sent the following e-mail:
"When I come over all the way to Westminster, which takes me about 40
minutes, I don't expect to be put to work, unless I have agreed to do
so in exchange for you letting me do your laundry. You made the
decision to be independent and as such I want you to start learning
how to do some of these things on your own and not relying on me. I
also have back and shoulder pain, but I do things that could make them
worse at my apartment because I have made a decision to live
independently. If you are unable to do these things, then I'm sure you
can find a young man around you can hire to help you. Your apartment
is your space and therefore your responsibility to maintain. I do not
live there, none of those things are my responsibility. I am a grown
man who is your son and while I don't sometimes mind helping you out,
it is not my obligation and I come there to spend time with you, not
to do chores."
I can see now my e-mail was full of anger that went beyond the cat litter in my car. Her responses expressed hurt and anger as well. I was angry for the fact that she made this decision and it was having ripple effects on my life that I wasn't prepared for. My compassion hit a wall and then I could feel the anger. My mom is, putting it nicely, a difficult person. She is selfish, judgmental, petty, vain and manipulative. She makes it difficult to love her. But I do because she suffers from anxiety and depression like me and because she has good traits. The thing is that both my parents, while being very angry people often, taught me that expressing anger is bad because whenever I did I was shut down. I have still not learned what to do with anger. I even am able to see its roots as fear but while it may go away for a little while it's still there. I have read a lot of Thich Nhat Hanh's book Anger, but often found it annoying when I didn't find his other work to be that way, and generally didn't find it helpful as I was hoping. I guess what I'm asking is, what do you do with your anger? How do you transform it into compassion? Do you hit the limits of your compassion sometimes?
"When I come over all the way to Westminster, which takes me about 40
minutes, I don't expect to be put to work, unless I have agreed to do
so in exchange for you letting me do your laundry. You made the
decision to be independent and as such I want you to start learning
how to do some of these things on your own and not relying on me. I
also have back and shoulder pain, but I do things that could make them
worse at my apartment because I have made a decision to live
independently. If you are unable to do these things, then I'm sure you
can find a young man around you can hire to help you. Your apartment
is your space and therefore your responsibility to maintain. I do not
live there, none of those things are my responsibility. I am a grown
man who is your son and while I don't sometimes mind helping you out,
it is not my obligation and I come there to spend time with you, not
to do chores."
I can see now my e-mail was full of anger that went beyond the cat litter in my car. Her responses expressed hurt and anger as well. I was angry for the fact that she made this decision and it was having ripple effects on my life that I wasn't prepared for. My compassion hit a wall and then I could feel the anger. My mom is, putting it nicely, a difficult person. She is selfish, judgmental, petty, vain and manipulative. She makes it difficult to love her. But I do because she suffers from anxiety and depression like me and because she has good traits. The thing is that both my parents, while being very angry people often, taught me that expressing anger is bad because whenever I did I was shut down. I have still not learned what to do with anger. I even am able to see its roots as fear but while it may go away for a little while it's still there. I have read a lot of Thich Nhat Hanh's book Anger, but often found it annoying when I didn't find his other work to be that way, and generally didn't find it helpful as I was hoping. I guess what I'm asking is, what do you do with your anger? How do you transform it into compassion? Do you hit the limits of your compassion sometimes?
0
Comments
Long live those who try!
This all is easier said than done, it takes some thought, meditation, planning, rehearsing.
Good luck.
That is a really good way to get it out.
Don't send them for 24 hours, then re-read them.
That is a really good way to get it out - safely.
Many such matters require and deserve a response, but fortunately, they don't always require or deserve a response - immediately.
It's safe to express your anger and make yourself heard. I think everyone deserves that; to be heard.
But make sure you do not inflame or exacerbate that, and try to cause as little collateral damage as possible.
Their response will always be for them to choose, and as is likely, it won't always be a sensible one, with much thought given.
It will be a knee-jerk reaction.
But at least you will know that rather than being that way yourself, you will have done your best to channel, not challenge.
Perhaps anger management should be on your to-do list. Maybe also family counselling.
I'm sure you're telling the truth when you say that she's a difficult person and you're feeling stressed about the divorce. Imagine how she feels. Divorce (which is kind of like a death) and now a son who is so completely outraged by being asked to help his mother he feels the need to email her and tell her so. Sorry but that's a real slap in the face. I would be heartbroken to receive such a letter from a loved one. Again, everyone's relationship is different.
If you're incapable of helping her without resenting and keeping score, then stop going over. You're not doing her any favours if it doesn't come from the right place. Get some help for your anger.
I know what he said seemed harsh, and you may think he requires anger management, but look at the bigger picture and perceive where that anger has come from in the first place....
He's a grown man, and much as we might be obligated to any varying degree to our parents for whatever they might have given us - there is also the possibility of resentment for what we feel they didn't give us, and we should have had.
Our parents owe us protection, stability and moral guidance.
If any of these things are lacking, they can affect an individual in many ways.
(Believe it or not, I don't think they owe us love.
that will develop, if it develops. I know many people who do not love their parents/children. sad as that may sound, it's not uncommon.)
@ClayTheScribe admits in his post that his letter was full of anger. He sees it was an excessive expression of temperament he now sees it was a mistake to send.
he doesn't have to like his mother though, and clearly she herself has some issues concerning her character and personality.
When a person is subjected to that kind of character/personality, and they grow to resent it, it's worth keeping clear when the restraint snaps.
ClayTheScribe is asking for help here, on how to deal with his anger.
That's why he posted.
He clearly understands his attitude is fractured. That'a why he posted.....
And I for one, understand fully where he's coming from.
I think it's good that Clay is here asking for support. My advice to get anger counselling was just that - advice, an attempt at support.
Of course people's families are different. Of course we don't "have to" look after our parents and we aren't "obligated" to help them out. But if being asked to help out a family member who is maybe suffering more deeply when we think causes a tsunami of anger, there is more going on at the personal level, I think. Counselling might help Clay figure out where the frustration is coming from, and maybe also help him figure out a healthier way of interacting with his mother.
It was just another opinion. I too have difficult family members, and have had moments of frustration. Sometimes we can't see the extreme side of our own actions/reactions because we are too close.
By facing these issues and resolving them within yourself, you may find yourself less frustrated and impatient - practice such as meditation etc will also allow you space to think about your actions and their effects.
You can't choose your family and you only get one mother - she will annoy the hell out of you - all mothers are preprogrammed to both love and annoy in equal measure - she wont be around forever so make the most of your time - in my mind, sometimes it is worth doing something that may not exactly bring you pleasure in the knowledge that youre helping others - and who better than the woman who brought you into this world so you could be the man that you are.
Compassion and love are easy to say but challenging to practice - your mum is providing you with the stimulus to challenge you to be a better person - embrace that and grow as a person.
I feel your pain though mate - I've been in a very similar situation.
it is simply covered with crap.
when there is too much crap, you cant see the compassion anymore but that doesn't mean it isn't there.
like clouds covering the sun; the sun is still there even if you can't see it.
I'll give a different, simple, true example.
My mother chose to divorce my father and run off and marry the man whom she always really loved when I was 2. She left me to be raised with by my grandmother and provided virtually no financial support for the rest of my life.
I had no hard feelings. We had a relationship for most of our lives. We accepted each others' choices in life. But, I felt no obligation to her because she had canceled that type of relationship. If I felt an obligation to anyone, it was my grandparents, who did the responsible thing.
You need time to deal with your issues first before you can help others.
Hugs
"I apologize. I was leaving your apartment Sunday in a sour mood, mainly because of my medications were off and sleep problems. The bag full of cat litter broke in my car and got cat litter all over my passenger seat. I thought what an imposition it was for me to do these things and I felt bitter. But you did not force me or coerce me to do them, you just asked, and I helped, not expecting anything in return, because that is what children do for their parents when they get older, to return the favor of having taking care of them when they were younger. I wanted to express that when I come over I don't want to have to always do these things all the time or feel obligated because I'm getting something in return, but I did so with misplaced anger and I am sorry. It was not right. I don't really mind helping you out, it just got to me that day because the trash bag broke. I understand how hard all of this is for you and that you don't need one more added stress from family on top of everything. I'll understand if you don't wish to talk to me or see me for awhile.
Love,
Clayton"
"losing your temper is not skilful. but it's ok to mislay it once in a while...."
We all have family members that are manipulative (I really identify with you in this), the key is to show both strong love and strong limits at the same time. This will work out in the end, and your own practice of compassion will get even better because it will include you even more...