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excuses hurt, reasons don't hurt as much.
patbb
Veteran
lets define some terms first:
excuse is a false reason.
reason is the real reason.
person A: "you didn't take out the trash!"
person B: "i was too busy"
real reason: "I was too lazy"
-------------
a familiar example, can't find a job.
Maybe someone is having trouble finding a job, and suffer because of it.
We assume it is normal. No job will be stressful.
But a situation is always neutral, not having a job isn't stressful.
What if you had a bad car accident and you can't reasonably work.
Would you feel bad about not having a job?
Probably not (or at least not as much).
Same situation, no job. But in this case, no stress (or at least, no stress about finding a job, might have stress about other things).
but if you didn't have a accident (or similar justification), you don't have an excuse and you may suffer (stress, guilt, frustrations, sleepless nights).
you can see how the added suffering can hurt quite a bit and make life miserable for you, and for the people living around you (you are not going to be the pleasant companion full of life and joy at lunch when you just spent the last 5 nights sitting up watching tv because you cannot sleep),
so if we understand this, what can we do about it if we are suffering from stress, guilt, whatever?
perhaps try to find the real reasons why you cannot/didn't get what you want.
(sometimes we can lie to ourselves, giving excuses instead of the real explanations.)
- i can't find a job because i'm under-qualified, and im too lazy to go back to school.
- i can't find a job because i suck at applying for jobs, or i suck at interviews...
- i'm too proud and i don't want to ask for help.
- i can't find a job because i only want to do something very specific, or very unrealistic and i dont want to consider other fields etc...
whatever the reasons are, when you do know them for sure, at least you start to narrow down on what you can actually do about the situation as oppose to simply make excuse and feel like crap.
i believe this process can be very liberating in any situation in which we suffer from stress, anxiety....
when we begin to deal with reasons instead of excuses, the stress, frustrations and suffering can begin to vanish and make place for a unclouded perspective on a neutral situation.
excuse is a false reason.
reason is the real reason.
person A: "you didn't take out the trash!"
person B: "i was too busy"
real reason: "I was too lazy"
-------------
a familiar example, can't find a job.
Maybe someone is having trouble finding a job, and suffer because of it.
We assume it is normal. No job will be stressful.
But a situation is always neutral, not having a job isn't stressful.
What if you had a bad car accident and you can't reasonably work.
Would you feel bad about not having a job?
Probably not (or at least not as much).
Same situation, no job. But in this case, no stress (or at least, no stress about finding a job, might have stress about other things).
but if you didn't have a accident (or similar justification), you don't have an excuse and you may suffer (stress, guilt, frustrations, sleepless nights).
you can see how the added suffering can hurt quite a bit and make life miserable for you, and for the people living around you (you are not going to be the pleasant companion full of life and joy at lunch when you just spent the last 5 nights sitting up watching tv because you cannot sleep),
so if we understand this, what can we do about it if we are suffering from stress, guilt, whatever?
perhaps try to find the real reasons why you cannot/didn't get what you want.
(sometimes we can lie to ourselves, giving excuses instead of the real explanations.)
- i can't find a job because i'm under-qualified, and im too lazy to go back to school.
- i can't find a job because i suck at applying for jobs, or i suck at interviews...
- i'm too proud and i don't want to ask for help.
- i can't find a job because i only want to do something very specific, or very unrealistic and i dont want to consider other fields etc...
whatever the reasons are, when you do know them for sure, at least you start to narrow down on what you can actually do about the situation as oppose to simply make excuse and feel like crap.
i believe this process can be very liberating in any situation in which we suffer from stress, anxiety....
when we begin to deal with reasons instead of excuses, the stress, frustrations and suffering can begin to vanish and make place for a unclouded perspective on a neutral situation.
0
Comments
Pointed out by Louise Hay in her book, 'You Can Heal Your Life.
should - excuse - I 'should' take out the thrash, but I'm watching this programme.
could - reason - I 'could' take out the trash - but I'm feeling lazy, it's cold, and frankly, i can't be bothered....
So I am calmed down after the incident in my life a week ago that sealed the deal with the guy (being over that is) and I am struggling with the compassionate way to deal with this. I want to send an apology however I am not sure about sending a reason (not an excuse, I am still responsible for myself). The reason for oversharing would be that I was tremendously hurt by another silent, stonewalled breakup and I didn't know how to process it. So I trusted a wrong person ( I wanted to talk to a man for that perspective) to help me understand what happened since my guy was refusing to talk and I was respecting that. The reason to tell this would be so he understands I didn't just share anytime and with anyone, only after the 3rd time this happened. Oh dear this is too much talking again and it is probably best to not send anything.