What Would a Buddhist Do?

Amida

My mom has cancer and no one knows how long she has. It could be two weeks or two months.

I called my father and he told me to take her to this local church that believes in healings by laying on of hands, as he's a Christian. He told me to take her there. He said he'd do it for his mother. But the thing is, I don't believe in such miracles anymore. I know my father means well, but his advice has me more burdened.

What would a Buddhist do if their mother was dying of cancer? Would they pray some healing prayer, or accept the reality that people die and just let nature be what it is?

Dakini

What a Buddhist would do, imo, is honor the father's request (what can it hurt?), which wouldn't cost anything, and would make him happy. Then help the mother with whatever medical or hospice care is recommended. You could PM Mountains to see what alternative cancer treatments he may recommend, if your mom would be open to that. Mainly spend quality time with mom.

Amida

I think in honoring my father's request it may injure her faith. Because if she has hands laid on her and nothing happens and she is dying, she may question her own faith and die in doubt and sorrow.

I'm not comfortable with the whole laying hands on the sick and they will recover in the name of Jesus. I am more comfortable with letting nature be what it is and accepting and embracing it, even death.

vinlyn

I don't know to take the tone out of this...and I don't mean for this to have "a tone" to it, but it's not about you.

The key question here, in my view, is what does your mother believe. If she believes in the laying of hands (or whatever...within reason), then help her fulfill her beliefs.

Let me tell you a very quick story. When I got the call that I needed to come up home and visit my father one last time, I took a week off from work, and did so. I was a school principal, so being away from the job was not easy, though I never mentioned that to my family. The night before I got ready to return home and to work, my father made me promise that I would not come back for the funeral. I, of course, refused that, but then he said something along the lines of, "Look, you've got to take care of those children, and this is my last wish." How could I refuse my father's final wish in life? It was against everything I believed in, but I realized it wasn't about me, it was about him.

So my advice is to forget about what you believe, forget about what your father believes, and focus on what your mother believes. It's about her.

patbb

what Dakini and vinlyn said.

I would just do whatever mom wants.
and i would try to be as supportive as possible and give lots of love.

Why do you feel more burden by what your father said?
Just ask mom if it's what she want to do.

unless they have a sign on the door of the church "No non believers allowed!" i don't foresee any problem.

shanyin

Perhaps.ask her permission..

Dandelion

Hello Amida.

So sorry to hear about this. Has your mother expressed what she wants? Does she wish to go to the local church, what beliefs does your mother have? I would start there. The Tibetan Book of the Living and The Dying might be helpful to you, part two of the book deals with dying, from the perspective of what a dying person might want.

Dandelion

Dakini

I don't know to take the tone out of this...and I don't mean for this to have "a tone" to it, but it's not about you..

You don't know how your mother will react. She may well be comforted by the community experience at the laying on of hands, and feeling comforted might ease her pain or even trigger a remission. The mind is a powerful healer. This isn't the time to impose your views on a worried father and an ailing mother. At the very least, for the sake of peace in the family and a good relationship with your father in what must be a very trying time for him, take her to church (if she has no objections). Imagining that she might lose her faith is a scenario you've conjured up that serves well to justify your prejudicial feelings. What if you were dying and asked your parents to take you to the local Buddhist monk for a ceremony, and they refused? How would you feel?

Sabre

Hi Amida,

First of all I wish you all the strength you need in these times. *insert hugging smiley here*

I think it is your mother who should decide what kind of 'healings' may happen and which not. Not you or your father.

As a Buddhist, we try to accept that everything is impermanent. People die, this is nature. Of course we still try to heal people in reasonable ways, but if it isn't working, we accept it. You can be happy about who your loved ones were and how happy you were to have spend time with them. Seeing it like this takes away most -if not all- of the grief.

With metta,
Sabre

Cinorjer

I agree with the above who point out it's what your mother wants that is paramount. Tell her that your father suggested she go to this church, and explain how you honestly feel about it, and ask her what she wants to do. Ask her if she wants you to contact a minister or preacher to come over and talk to her, pray with her, whatever will make her feel better. Just don't let anyone take advantage of her. Stay there when they are praying. If they start talking about she has been healed, step in and let them know only doctors can tell that, etc.

shanyin

Also.before this thread is up for.very long there should be no tone in my personal.answer either


Regards

Amida

I should have been more clear.

My mother and father have been long divorced. He lives four hours north. They don't even talk anymore. She has no idea he told me to take her to a certain church for the laying on of hands.

She considers herself a Christian, but she hasn't requested anyone take her anywhere for laying on of hands. I read her the Dhammapada and tell her about the Buddha and how Jesus and Buddha pointed to the same things, many times. She is more comfortable with Jesus, as she was raised in that faith, but she accepts the Buddha was very wise.

So, the thing is, my mother doesn't know what my father said, and I'm not comfortable taking her to some church that speaks in tongues, and says, "Spirit of cancer, I bind you in the name of Jesus! Be healed!" I'm not even sure she'd be comfortable with it, and don't even know if I should bring it up.

But I don't want my mother to die and my father always think, "He should have taken her to that church." I'd know he'd be in ignorance to think such a thing, if in fact she did die, but still... This is why I find myself in a difficult state.

Cinorjer

It doesn't matter what your father may think.

Put ourself in her shoes. What would you think if someone was debating dragging you to this church she doesn't know and facing the ordeal of so called "faith healing" -- and it is an ordeal, with strangers grabbing you and slapping your forehead and shouting and refusing to let go until you agree you feel better? All because you're afraid an ex husband she has nothing to do with might blame you for her death?

It sucks having to be the caretaker. I watched my sister die of lung cancer. Just keep reminding yourself, it's all about her, not the people who want to jump in at the last moment with well meaning but useless advice.

ThailandTom

I cannot give any better advice than that has already been given, but I feel I would like to say something because it is times like this when people really need all of the compassion one can offer. Like Cinorjer said, it does not matter now what your father thinks, they do not talk anymore and are divorced, just like my parents. Try to make your mum feel as close to you as possible and make her last days special in which ever way she would like that to happen. My thoughts are with you both, be strong and you will be sure to come out of this situation a new person and with a new outlook on life. Take care, Tom

weighted

I agree with most of the advice offered here, especially trying to get your mother's own input on what she wants. If your parents are divorced, then why does your father have say over what happens? Ask your mother what she wants and honor her wishes; if it differs from what your father wants, you shouldn't worry as you're doing what she wants and that's what matters in this case, in my opinion.

Much metta as you deal with this.

possibilities

Your father's suggestion is unreasonable and unless your mom has any such leanings, it would be an imposition. I would not even ask if that is something she wants as it does not seem to fit into her life style. Instead, ask her what it is that you can do for her. You can later tell your dad that his suggestion just wasn't what she needed to do. An honest response.

upekka

as a Buddhist i would be with her whenever she expects me at all cost

i never talk about the cancer if she doesn't mention it

i talk about all happy events we shared in the past and make her have happy thoughts while i am with her so she has no time to be sorry at least at the time i am with her

i will ask from the people who visit her to do the same as i do

I_AM_THAT

These are tough situations for any faith... Practice unconditional love and compassion and just be there for your mom. There has been some great advice given here...

My heart goes out to your mom and to you!

Namaste

Amida

Thanks everyone.

We ended up calling the Church and they prayed for her, which made my Dad happy. But on Thursday she passed away. She battled cancer for six years. I was with her the last week, holding her hand, until she died. Was hard to watch...

Today is the first of two showings, and Wednesday is the Funeral. I hope it goes smoothly and we all find strength to make it through this without falling apart.

Again, thanks everyone.

federica

As one who stayed by her father as he died, you have my most sincere condolences.

I wish you and all concerned, well.

vinlyn

As one who stayed by her father as he died, you have my most sincere condolences.

I wish you and all concerned, well.

My condolences, as well as my admiration.

Zero

My condolences for your loss - I wish you and your family peace during this challenging time - your simple statement of the hard thing you went through is very powerful and inspirational

Cinorjer

Sorry to hear about your loss. I hope you have family and friends to give you support in the coming days.