Does Couples Therapy Work? (An Interesting Opinion)

DaltheJigsaw

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/04/fashion/couples-therapists-confront-the-stresses-of-their-field.html?src=me&ref=general

Dakini

That was kind of a funny article. It said couples did better in the old days before couples therapy was invented, and each of the two partners got separate therapy. When you put them together with one therapist, all they do is fight. Crazy world. :crazy:

ThailandTom

That was kind of a funny article. It said couples did better in the old days before couples therapy was invented, and each of the two partners got separate therapy. When you put them together with one therapist, all they do is fight. Crazy world. :crazy:

lol that is quite a funny finding. But in the old days the problems still existed I am sure, but people would just deal with them in different ways, affairs, alcohol, drugs, sweep it under the rug and take it on the chin.

This whole topic about couple therapy is a real grey area for me though. You can help a couple to a certain extent, show them that this will help to resolve this problem, or it would work better if you both did this etc, but if two people simply cannot live with each other, then what is the point? It is just the fact that sometimes two people do not match enough to last out as a couple.

DaltheJigsaw

That was kind of a funny article. It said couples did better in the old days before couples therapy was invented, and each of the two partners got separate therapy. When you put them together with one therapist, all they do is fight. Crazy world. :crazy:

lol that is quite a funny finding. But in the old days the problems still existed I am sure, but people would just deal with them in different ways, affairs, alcohol, drugs, sweep it under the rug and take it on the chin.

This whole topic about couple therapy is a real grey area for me though. You can help a couple to a certain extent, show them that this will help to resolve this problem, or it would work better if you both did this etc, but if two people simply cannot live with each other, then what is the point? It is just the fact that sometimes two people do not match enough to last out as a couple.

Great points!

Dakini

I think one goal of couples therapy is to improve communication skills, so that communication isn't vindictive. But as the article pointed out, some couples come to therapy already having decided they want a separation. So sometimes the deck is stacked against therapy, and the therapist doesn't know it.

Note to Leon: don't choose couples therapy as a career, lol! Stick with child development, transpersonal psychology, "regular" therapy. Stay out of the line of fire.

federica

what people fail to understand is that couples therapy/relationships or marriage counselling isn't in place to necessarily keep people together.
Read that again.
Its objective is not to make couples stay couples.
Oh really?
Yes, really.

Its objective is to provide a level playing field upon which people - couples - can discuss openly, air, vent, release and state safely that which they wish to put forward.
And if the result of that is separation, the point has been to make that separation mutually acceptable, agreeable and civil.
the reasons more people separate than stay together 'like they used to' are manyfold, but one glaring difference is that divorce has become fairer, and more considerate of women.
once upon a time, separation and divorce might have been preferable to staying together, but it could spell ruination for the woman.
Now, since many anomalies have been addressed, and the law has seen many changes, matters are different.
also, frankly, due to many social changes and differences in personal, financial and professional situations, the whole dating game has changed.
Many couples commit to one another far too quickly, and frankly, a whole lot of them shouldn't consider being together at all....
I personally feel that human beings were never meant to have a single solitary partner all their lives, and fidelity is a conditioned virtue, not a natural, programmed one.
If people commit to one another, then commit.
but counselling isn't there to cement that commitment.
it's there to bring it under scrutiny.

Lady_Alison

Maybe instead of couples committing for life in their vows which seem like a huge step
..they can commit for a year and evaluate whether or not they want to do two or three...it's a contract, isn't it? Maybe a little naive to commit to someone for life when things are constantly changing and people grow at their own pace.

Sometimes apart.

Sometimes they still love one another but no longer are INLOVE

Dakini

True, I guess, about the commitment thing. Generations ago, people married for reasons other than love. They married because they were from the same economic class, because hubby could be a good provider, and they stayed together because they didn't have these lofty expectations people have today. But then you hear about couples who were highschool sweethearts, married out of H.S., and at 60 or 70 are still in love. Those are the lucky ones, I guess.

genkaku

@federica -- If I could find the thumbs-up thingie, I would post it ... large! Thanks for your continued common sense.

MsJeni

Simple thing about counseling is it will only work if all those going openheartedly and truly wanting to make things better. That doesn't just go for married couples, but anyone that seeks counseling for any reason.

MsJeni

Oops mean therapy, but it's goes for counseling and psychologist, anything of that nature.

AMH

Wow, I have so much to say. I figure that the divorce rate raise as people started living longer and forensics improved. Before that they found ways to kill each other off (not 100% joking ya know).

In emotionally abusive relationships according that community it is much worse to go to couples counseling. Usually the person in the abused category will be placed in a position to take half the blame, isn't fair after all?

I will share one of my examples. My ex lied about what our priest in a former state said about me. I called Fr A and told him I didn't care if he said bad things about me but I wanted to know the truth. Well he told me what he said that was unflattering and what he did not say (I was pretty nuts by that point in some situations). So we went to couples counseling the next week and instead of dealing with a straight up lie it was considered equal to his hurt feelings in childhood.

Yeah I walked out in the middle of the session saying something about if there was no intention of having consequences to lying in an effort to create a problem in my friendship with our priest (and he had some leftover rage from when I was promoted in church before him, he tore the house to shreds and the kids and I left for awhile) then I was wasting my time. The counselor didn't even do a follow up call with me.

Now sometimes I think I would be good at it because I can make a judgement, if the couple is Christian and agree on a set of values then those values should be addressed. But I am more of a behavior person, (I quit attending daughters therapy) because feelings are important but sometimes the behavior just has to stop while you work out the feelings. That is a total turn around from my old way, as Dakini and I have talked about there is a point where I may be compassionate but I am not very nice.

federica

Thanks, @genkaku, that's good of you!

There are many situations where people believe they need couples counselling when in actual fact, they need individual therapy - but then it's up to the individual to face that and make it work....
If people lie, hold back and do not "step up to the plate" to 'suck it up and own it' then no amount of couples counselling will work.
because the reluctance to engage is in and of itself, a nail in the coffin.
that may eventually be compounded by guilt, but some people just will not drink, no matter how parched and dehydrated they are, when you offer them a mountain spring....
I have to say, i hit three counsellors/therapists whatever, many, many years ago, to use professional support to handle and face issues i felt were becoming to heavy a load to carry.
they were all more warped and 'baggaged' than i was....!
So you also need to find the right person, someone you can have a rapport with, and with whom you feel comfortable and safe...
Having worked with an organisation that dealt with couples counselling, i have seen how effective it can be...
What was far more effective, however was the PRE-marriage day workshop I initially assisted with, then actually organised. These were compulsory for couples marrying within the church.
To so many, it seemed an utterly ludicrous and unnecessary exercise to have to go through, and we had so many people (and the majority of cynics, i have to say, were the guys) arriving and complaining that it was a waste of time, what was the point, they'd already been living together for ages... some even already had families...!
However, i can count the number of people who left feeling the same way, on the joints of one finger, let alone the fingers of one hand....
There were several episodes where couples had a re-think;
to my recollection, three couples delayed their wedding, one couple (maybe two, i think...?) cancelled it all together, and two, being too close to the dates, actually booked personal couples counselling sessions for after their marriage....
Pre-marriage workshops are extremely successful.
they should be madatory, regardless of where people are getting married.

sndymorn

Wife and I went ten years ago. We sat down at first session and therapist started in on my wife. I was happy..... We never went back . ( we worked it out and have 23 year marriage)

AMH

I have to say, i hit three counsellors/therapists whatever, many, many years ago, to use professional support to handle and face issues i felt were becoming to heavy a load to carry.
they were all more warped and 'baggaged' than i was....!

I think that if you HIT the counselors maybe that is a bad idea

My kids' grandpa is a counselor and I have not been in the same room with him for 8 years, and won't be again. He is seriously not okay, suggested at times the girls should work selling themselves, once when T was only about 12 and not developed at all. They really do not see him and never alone even though they are older now. Grrr,

Dakini

@AHeerdt I'm surprised that he never got any complaints to the licensing board. People like that shouldn't be allowed to practice.

ThailandTom

I have to say, i hit three counsellors/therapists whatever, many, many years ago, to use professional support to handle and face issues i felt were becoming to heavy a load to carry.
they were all more warped and 'baggaged' than i was....!

I think that if you HIT the counselors maybe that is a bad idea

My kids' grandpa is a counselor and I have not been in the same room with him for 8 years, and won't be again. He is seriously not okay, suggested at times the girls should work selling themselves, once when T was only about 12 and not developed at all. They really do not see him and never alone even though they are older now. Grrr,

Wow that is quite messed up :-/ I don't blame you for not wanting to be in the same room as im for the past 8 years.

AMH

He keeps this stuff to family as far as I can tell, but generally he is known as an a**hole

federica

He keeps this stuff to family as far as I can tell, but generally he is known as an a**hole

You know, we have so many labels to define and describe people's different personalities...
OCD, ADHD, passive-aggressive, bipolar, Narcissist, sociopath....

But sometimes - yeah.
they're just Assholes.

AMH

Thank you! I started reading and thinking I was going to get busted for the lack of compassion (I actually have some, he has lost most all of his family because of his behavior) but you are right.

I am a firm believer in letting assholes get plenty of room so they can smell themselves.