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I would like to die
For quite some time now I have felt the desire to pass away. In fact, I have been experiencing this for about a year now. It's not a desire born out of depression, or a sense of beign a failure, nor am I posting this "to get attention." I'm confused because, like most people, I associate the desire for death with those who are depressed, or in constant pain.
I'm posting this here not because I want to be consoled or given a purpose in life (I have one, thank you), but to ask questions about this and perhaps to gain some perspective, or explore it further.
Is what I'm experiencing genuine, or is it more samsaric silliness? How valid is the choice to die (can it be equated to other life choices such as going to college, or changing careers)?
I'm posting this here not because I want to be consoled or given a purpose in life (I have one, thank you), but to ask questions about this and perhaps to gain some perspective, or explore it further.
Is what I'm experiencing genuine, or is it more samsaric silliness? How valid is the choice to die (can it be equated to other life choices such as going to college, or changing careers)?
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Comments
It's more samsaric silliness. I have made decisions about going to college, getting work, choosing a house. The thought of dying, or the wish to die has never, in my born days, ever crossed my mind.
If you feel you have a purpose in life, then fulfill it, and put this matter out of your mind.
It is not constructive, and is a distraction.
Just out of curiosity, have you noticed any feelings connected with your desire to pass away? Usually for me it just means that I'm tired. It's not that I actively want to die or anything of the sort. It's mainly that I have poor sleeping habits.
Also, I moved beyond my desire for worldly success, or to be 'somebody' in high regard a while back, and since then I have had some difficulties in this area. Now, I just want to get by, and some days I am quite indifferent to this whole life experience. But, like I said, it is usually because I need a nap. Having two kids under the age of 3 can be quite tiring.
Anyway, take care.
_/\_
metta
Putting death before living is like putting the cart before the horse.
I'm sure Buddhism teaches some sense of order and heedfulness. Do we reap before we sow?
Are you willing to experience death before it's your time to die?
Your current task at hand is living. Experiencing death and everything (or nothing) that comes along with it will come in time, my friend.
-bf
Hmm... i'm glad i didn't, like bf says we'll all find out in good time - but i can understand the desire for death without feeling depressed. Other feelings can lead to this desire too, apparently.
On top of that I'm overly aware of the notion that being born a human on earth is a very rare event so I very much want to keep death at bay until I've had more time to practice.
But the feeling of being ready to die is something I'm very familiar with in different ways. I've been very willing to pack it in when suffering extreme pain, emotional and physical, at different times. I've also been spiritually exhausted and at that time I was very ready to go because I didn't know how to refresh myself. No amount of sleep can heal spiritual exhaustion.
But overriding all of this is that notion of how rare it is to be here on earth as a human and it's taken over. I haven't had any thoughts of wanting to die ever since, no matter how bad the physical pain gets. I'm not spiritually exhausted at all anymore. Buddhism has rejuvenated me completely and now I see everything as an opportunity to practice. Not always, but much more so than yesterday and less than I will tomorrow.
But I've never had the desire to die for no discernible reason. I don't know what that's like.
Brigid
Sorry. Didn't see you there. Did it take that long for me to post?
Brigid
Personally, I think that many folks experience this 'being ready' normally. For example, near death experiences. Folks come out of encounters with death with a changed perspective. The more deeply or profoundly we experience these kinds of life changing events brings release from fear of death, but an equally significant appreciation for life.
There is a desire to rest that, as Brigid has also said, no amount of sleep seems to help.
Self-importance in the form of monetary wealth or fame is something that I've also done away with. It never occured to me that this may be part of the equation. We have a culture where we are taught that the purpose in life is to pursue such things. So what happens when those things are no longer of importance? That's a very interesting thought for me, thank you.
I never considered it from that angle. That this may simply be the result of being ready to die, or being alright with dying. I would like to say that if I were assaulted with violent intent, that I would not resist, but the truth is that I probably would. So this puts my desire for death into question - is it genuine? It seems so, but now it's looking more and more as though it's not a desire for death, but rather the result of being unafraid to die. This is a point will I will have to ponder.
My current task at hand is living, because this is where I am. I should be here.
I am also aware of the chances of being human. I'm also aware of the chances of having a precious human life. Because of these things, I find this desire to be strange and worthy of serious questioning. Your remark regarding spiritual exhaustion has really rung a bell with me. It could very well be that this, in addition to being unflustered by the thought of death, has had a snow-ball effect and led to this.
I really appreciate everyone's responses. They have revealed aspects of this that I had never considered before. You've all given me wonderful points to meditate on. How wonderful!
Metta,
Ryan
I agree that sometimes moving closer to unpleasant (frightening, strange, depression, whatever) emotions and ideas is healthier than running away from them. Getting to know these things to understand them. Neither to give in, nor push away. I can appreciate that approach.
Oh.... I don't think that "being ready" to die is a bad thing.
In fact, I think that could be a good thing. That you feel that you have your "ship in order" regarding your life. That could bring a sense of relief and peace.
But, you still have to finish what has been started
-bf
Except for a very, very few people, I think 'being ready to die' is an illusion. Not that I'm an expert in Tibetan Buddhism, but I know a fair amount of certain kinds of Tibetan mediation goes into visualizing death. There's one very powerful, but not particularly 'advanced' mediation called "7 phases of death" or something of the sort.
As I understand it--which is not much--it's a meditation on a preparation for the experience of death. Again, not that I understand it, but for tulkus (specific 'persons' who have been reborn, such as HH Dalai Lama) who have had some success in remaining calm through training and preparations for death, meditations like this have enabled them in part to become reborn.
As I've been told, the experience of death is such a shock for the unprepared, uncalmed, and undisciplined mind that any amount of wisdom can help prepare for future rebirths.
If anyone knows--and could correct my flawed understanding on this matter--it might be interesting to hear from someone who actually knows instead of me who knows second hand...Palzang?
The heart off buddhism is compassion. This compassion extends to all living things, and true compassion (at least in my opinion) is the effort to end suffering for all beings wherever it is possible. To die when it is possible to live, would be to indulge the ultimate act of selfishness, in which your own desire is ultimately fulfilled and your ability to help those around you ultimately extinguished.
In The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying and The Tibetan Book of The Dead, preparation for death and rebirth is the main point, although both books could also be said to be guides for meaningful living. But death preparation is a very important part of Tibetan Buddhism, as I understand it and as it is described by Sogyal Rinpoche in TTBOLD. He says that death can be the single greatest opportunity for meditative transformation if one is properly trained. I lean toward the Tibetan tradition so I'm inclined to agree with everything you said, Quest.
I also agree with you, Mr. Devious, in that I can't help thinking how precious this opportunity for life is and the last thing I want to do is not see it for what it is and be ungrateful for this opportunity.
Good posts. A lot to think about there.
Brigid
Hoooray!!!!
Please don't talk about wanting to die anymore. We all like you better as you are.
Good point, Windwalker.
If you died, you'd smell even worse than you do now.
-bf
.............worse than me!
Sas :buck:
Beautiful, ZM...:bigclap: