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Buddhism for kids?

edited March 2012 in Buddhism Basics
I think I am just confusing my son.
He is 12, and suffers from "ADHD" (which seems to me really is a label for one that can't calm their mind, at least in my son's case it seems to be). Since his diagnosis and various treatments, 6 years ago it has only gotten more complex. He has been in recent years diagnosed with social anxiety, disassociative disorder, moderate depression and PTSD. He has had several seriously traumatic incidences he needs to find peace with, due to the lack of understanding, compassion, and inability of people (mainly adults) to cope with his issues, (or just plain do not recognize them as being anything but a parental issue). I took him of the typical meds over a year ago, which actually helped him more than anything since his diagnosis. He was approaching a sever level of under growth and development, sleep deprivation, paranoid delusions, suicidal ideations, hallucinations, and few more less serious side-effect, (which have all went away since removing him from the meds). We have been using the Biofeedback therapy (little over a year now), which seems to have reached it's peak on helping him, & weekly psychologist visits for a couple years. Plus the love and patience of Mom. I am not looking for anything to replace his current medical treatments, but they don't quite seem enough. For anyone unfamiliar with Biofeedback aka neurotransmitter feedback treatment it's all about stimulating or calming certain parts of the brain using training and practice to alter the neuron patterns.
His conditions are sever enough, I did not see any alternative, but to pull him back from the typical life and pressures of being a 12 year old this past fall. He is currently receiving his education online at home with me, and seeing the Doctors 3-4 times a week. Though much less sever, he seems depressed over not being around other kids enough, but until he is able to cope with how he is treated, and I we have a firm grip on appropriate behavior (through less frequent and more control interactions), I don't believe it is wise to simply toss him back in the shark pool. I hope to get all this under control, so that he can have a closer to typical life in the next year or 2, but at our current rate of progress that doesn't look like it will happen.

Learning the things about Buddhism that I have, I think it might help him find true internal peace and calmness, so any thoughts on where to start with it? It needs to be far more simplistic than how I am going about learning it. He has a well above average intelligence according to school testing, but he gets easily frustrated with new concepts and things that he doesn't understand easily. He loves learning about Buddhism, but once again gets frustrated at the more advance thoughts (frustration for him leads to an inability to focus and being pushed during these times leads other unacceptable behaviors, which require some sort of discipline on my part).
If he truly understood mediation, I would prefer to have him meditate to clear his mind and angst, versus simply putting him in time out or any other method of discipline I currently use. He is a great kid, has more compassion and thoughtfulness towards the behavior others, than I have seen in any of his peers. So much so, he will come and hug me often out of the blue, saying he just sensed I just needed a hug (he has always been correct) or he says it's just because he needed one.

So where do I go to help guide my child in learning Buddhism? Since I have just recently realized there are several different types of Buddhism such as Dharma, Zen, Tibetian .... Is there one that would be easier for him to grasp, that I should look into first?

Comments

  • federicafederica Seeker of the clear blue sky... Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator
    I hesitate to say this, but the best way to teach anyone anything about Buddhism - is to 'be' Buddhism to such an extent, that it makes them curious enough to want what we have.
    If you look at the 4NT the 8FP and the 5 precepts - nowhere in there does it mention anything about Buddhism - and yet therein lies everything anyone would ever want to know and practice, in order to lead a mindful and skilful life...
    lead by example, and every now and then, mention something to do with the 5 or the 8...
    ...."Your view is important, but according to the 8FP, it's important to establish your view once you've weighed all the facts up without prejudice.... "
    That kind of thing.
    Drop feed titbits to arouse his curiosity.
  • zenffzenff Veteran
    edited March 2012
    Buddhism for kids, that’s Theravada.
    ;)

    I also mean that seriously. If I'd do anything at all I think I would stick with the basics; the life of the Buddha the Jataka tales.

    Something like this maybe?
    http://www.buddhanet.net/e-learning/buddhism/index.htm
  • patbbpatbb Veteran
    there are kids days at the vipassana center i go to.

    depending on where you live, there might be nice Shangas around with a nice active community that have all kind of activities such as kid days...
    Shangas are the equivalent of churches.
    so perhaps you want to look around where you live and do some local exploring.

    Ask your doctor or psychologist about mindfulness meditation.
    There is a mindfulness meditation movement run by psychologists, who may be very well equipped to deal with your son.
    Mindfulness meditation is pretty much the abc of meditation and can be very helpful.

    Good luck to you!
  • @Federica my son is very curious about it, but as I am just starting to learn and understand I do not yet have the ability to guide him very well.
    I think I have done fairly well in respecting live, compassion, and doing what it right..., Trying to not to put too much behind this being the cause, but society here (in general) is some what conflicted with the things I have taught him. The things he has experienced to a good degree contradict my way of thinking and living. I think having some reinforcement and better understanding on Buddhist teachings would be helpful to him, along with learning to practice mediation would be quite helpful with his mental and emotional hurdles. I just don't know how to direct him on a good path to learning these things.
  • @Zenff thank you so much, I will start looking into that.
    I am sure as I come to understand more I will be able to guide him better, but it is really nice to be able to direct him down something to start learning while I get a better grasp on more complex parts of it.
    Thank you
  • @patbb That sound like a good idea too exposing him to others that going down this path (especially in his peer group) is a great way for him to learn to these things, and possibly get some more of the controlled social interaction he is craving.

    I have asked for input from both of his Psychologist on Buddhism. Neither of them really knew very much about it. His main one for emotions, liked the way I was teaching him "Karma" using pebbles as a physical representation of negativity, so that he can see how negativity builds up around us, but when we do good things then we can help bring down the negativity and eventually life will become more positive feeling than negative. This is a very simplistic view of Karma, and I don't refer to it as Karma, but rather describe it to him how when we do negative things, it breeds more negativity in our lives, but when we do positive things then we build a more positive feeling, thus feel better.
  • VictoriousVictorious Grim Veteran
    I instructed a boy with ADHD a while back and also my son has focus issues. (but no diagnosis)

    Besides the the pure buddhism aspect would you consider martial arts like karate?
    It is much better that social games like soccer of hockey since all children focus on their own practise (mostly) and does not have to keep track of everybody else like in Football.

    With the right teacher it is also a great stepping stone into practical buddhism aka Budo.

    Also that leads naturally to social interaction before and after practice.

    Just a thought.
    /Victor
  • @Victorious Yes we have thought about marital arts, and at one time he took some classes but wasn't quite ready for it. I have financial challenging situation at the moment going, so though I intend on getting back in again in the future it isn't workable at this moment and probably won't be for a few months.
  • VictoriousVictorious Grim Veteran
    Well I would offer but I bet you don't live in northern Sweden? ;) .

    Good luck with your boy though.

    Myself I do not have any focus issues but what was really up my alley at his age was Suttanipatha.

    Some of the verses like 'Victory' were really inspiring. I must have read them a hundred times.

    /Victor
  • @Victorious maybe we should come live in Sweden for a while. :)

    I appreciate your input and everyone else's. I have some very good suggestions to look into.
  • Wow, that is a lot of things for a little boy to go through, all the testing, confusion, drugs etc, I feel for him and you. You seem very caring and relentless as a mother, so he has one good rolemodel already in life. Martial arts like Victor said would be a good idea, gives him time to focus, dicapline, time to release energy and even meet other kids. I wish you both the best of luck :)
  • 1) I would probably start by teaching him Dharma, rather than Buddhism. Then you can go fully at his pace and acceptance and you don't need to pay any concern to schools and traditions and all that jazz. (This is how I do it with my kids)

    2) As someone diagnosed and previously medicated with ADD I would also say that focusing on meditation practice probably isn't that wise, until he wants to and is ready. You might also have a try at chanting with him for a few minutes a day and see if that is suitable.

    I agree with the others on martial arts too, if he likes it, that is.

    Namaste

  • If I were to have kids (I am only young and no parent so do not take my words of any great importance), I would never force upon them any type of religion. However, buddhism and pretty much every other world leading religion has great morals and teachings you can use in your life. I would simply take these teachings and not mention anything to do with religion at that age, just simply that this action is something that is good and you will get rewarded for doing it in some way or other. Let the kids grow up and mature so they can decide which path they want to take. IMO, trying to force a religon on a child or even dropping hints is kind of like wanting them to be an extension of yourself.
  • RichardHRichardH Veteran
    edited March 2012
    Hi @MsJeni.

    Our boy, 13, has ADD and mild Tourette syndrome. He was born at 27 weeks and may have sensory issues due to that... it is uncertain. We avoided using medication for the longest time, trying everything else, but finally decided with a good doctor to carefully medicate. Along with our own intensive occupational intervention (my wife works in the autism field) from when he was young, he is now doing well, he is a happy kid.

    As far as Buddhism is concerned , ours is a Buddhist home, not in a heavy doctrinal way, but in the sense that the Four Noble Truths, anicca dukkha anatta, and mindfulness are ordinary. We have been very careful about introducing the idea of Anatta, because that requires a strong healthy integrated psychological self first, IMHO. Has has been taught that there is no such thing as forbidden or shameful thoughts or impulses, and that his inner sun shines equally on everything, but that there is socially appropriate and inappropriate behaviour. He has also been taught that the sky is always there regardless of the cloud cover, and how that sky is always bright and clear and pure and good. He has and does sit meditation, but just a little, and we would never push it... he has no problem concentrating on chocolate ice cream. We have been very clear to him that he has to make his own choices about what path to follow, or whether to follow any path at all.
  • @RichardH
    anicca dukkha anatta - these are terms I was not familiar with, now looking them up I can look for possibly better approaches to teaching them to him.
    I have heard them in lay speech but when looking for guidance on them it's really kind of essential to know the terms, if you know what I mean. It's great there are many things out there for us to learn it without having to learn a foreign language, but often in translation parts are missed, sometimes important parts.
    Thank you
  • Hi @MsJeni. The way we have approached it is to casually use the (in this case) Pali words... They are part of the word furniture in our home. So he is familiar with them. We are not scholars and are sloppy Buddhists...

    Anicca ..Impermanence..

    He knows that everything is impermanent. Everything that is born will die, including his mother and I, and one day him too. There is nothing "wrong" with this as far and the unfolding of life goes, but for us it hurts. We can grow to be wise and let go, and realize that we are that basic sky that is not born and does not die. This is not the way I'd put to an adult, but for a child it is appropriate because he needs a good image to work with. We also live with and are caring for two very old loved ones who are no longer mobile.. it is kind of tough... so he is seeing old age and death. But.. he also knows that ultimately..ultimately NO PROBLEM... never has been, never will be.

    Dukkha ... Dissatisfaction.. He knows about endless thirst and dissatisfaction.. Maybe he will play the Wii for a while.... then a bit of skype with friends... then drawing...
    then TV...... then jumping around the furniture like a looney toon.... then a visit to the fridge... Then he will say to me "Dad... I'm a feeling like a Hungry Ghost" It is cute.

    Anatta ... no abiding self

    This we just put this in terms of our selves being like a whirlpools in the stream of life.. The whirlpools are only the stream itself.. the stream flows on... so enjoy and be happy.

    That is basically where we are at in communicating with him...
  • Buddhism is largely experiential, i don't think talking to him about any kind of concept will make a notable difference in anything.

    Like looking at a sunset - you see it. But if you haven't seen one before people could spend their lives on trying to persuade you how beautiful it is, and it is unlikely it would mean much more then the word to you. You would actually be at risk to be annoyed by the concept, and actually avoid the experience because of it..

    Keeping that in mind, the way to go about it would be - when there is a question about dharma that is asked (and it needn't be "Tell me about dharma"; really most questions about life); you can answer it as best as you can. Other then that :-/
  • Buddhism is largely experiential, i don't think talking to him about any kind of concept will make a notable difference in anything.

    That makes no sense to me at all... but then, another's parenting choices are the last thing to comment on if we are at all sensible :buck:
  • Buddhism is largely experiential, i don't think talking to him about any kind of concept will make a notable difference in anything.

    That makes no sense to me at all... but then, another's parenting choices are the last thing to comment on if we are at all sensible :buck:
    You guys are all good, suggestions are just suggestions, I can am good about listening to peoples ways, if they are something that coincides with my beliefs then I can incorporate what I chose. As long as you won't get offended that I don't follow your suggestion (I don't think of you would, you all seem to kind, caring, and understanding that most people, I total wish there were more people like you in the world) then it's all good.

    Asking for guidance on where to find information on Buddhism for kids is a little different than suggested parenting, but I have appreciated all the information and ideas that are being passed on to me. I am a pretty confident mom, and steadfast in my beliefs, though I am open to more growth, and ways to help my kids understand them, it doesn't really change what I believe. Also is has become apparent the ways I know of teaching them needs improvement. To say I didn't have very good role models for parents would be an understatement, so I really am a make it up as you go along Mom. I hope that all made sense.
  • That makes no sense to me at all... but then, another's parenting choices are the last thing to comment on if we are at all sensible :buck:
    What i mean by that is - if people in his life will consider themselves to be Buddhists, it is likely he will do the same (like relatives, peers, etc). This however, does not mean he will follow the eightfold path or consider Buddhism to be anything other then a set of beliefs (dogmatic thinking) the people around him held.

    Buddhism by itself is concerned with dukkha (loosely translated as suffering or dissatisfaction) and with the cessation of it. Therefore, for him to actually understand (not just know conceptually) he will have to come across it in one way or another. His particular situation will require a particular kind of response and understanding (this is what i mean by - when questions arise, they can be answered). If responding to that just means a flood of Buddhist vocabulary or a pack of incense, there will be no dharma thought in that case.

    Only when attending to what is happening in that moment to the kid, to onself, to the relationship in which you both are, will something meaningful happen. And for this, you need neither a Buddhist school or a dharma lecture. Buddhism is about learning about what is (=truth). The more you understand it, the more you can help others who may have tangled themselves into confusion by lack of understanding.

    Yeah, this is what happens in meditation. It is hard to explain sensibly with words.
    :lol:
  • That makes no sense to me at all... but then, another's parenting choices are the last thing to comment on if we are at all sensible :buck:
    What i mean by that is - if people in his life will consider themselves to be Buddhists, it is likely he will do the same (like relatives, peers, etc). This however, does not mean he will follow the eightfold path or consider Buddhism to be anything other then a set of beliefs (dogmatic thinking) the people around him held.

    Buddhism by itself is concerned with dukkha (loosely translated as suffering or dissatisfaction) and with the cessation of it. Therefore, for him to actually understand (not just know conceptually) he will have to come across it in one way or another. His particular situation will require a particular kind of response and understanding (this is what i mean by - when questions arise, they can be answered). If responding to that just means a flood of Buddhist vocabulary or a pack of incense, there will be no dharma thought in that case.

    Only when attending to what is happening in that moment to the kid, to onself, to the relationship in which you both are, will something meaningful happen. And for this, you need neither a Buddhist school or a dharma lecture. Buddhism is about learning about what is (=truth). The more you understand it, the more you can help others who may have tangled themselves into confusion by lack of understanding.

    Yeah, this is what happens in meditation. It is hard to explain sensibly with words.
    :lol:
    Oh. I see what you mean.. and that is common in traditional Buddhist homes.. Mom and Dad's church.

    ..and I agree with your description of what Buddhism is about.
  • Another thing. Even though i mentioned it in my previous post, i feel like i'm leaving something unsaid here. :)

    What i mean by knowing what is, is:

    - when you see a person sick with lung cancer, you can instruct another one not to smoke
    - when you know the plate is hot, you can instruct another person not to touch it when he is about to do it
    - when you know cars get unpredictable and dangerous at high speeds, you can instruct someone to drive according to speed limit
    - when you know thinking a certain way leads you into unhappiness, you can advise someone to think about it in a different way
    - when you get a blister walking long distances in new shoes, you can suggest to others to walk for short distances in new shoes first
    - by tasting a rotten tomato you may know better to throw it away next time, thus sparing you and others from the experience

    So knowing how to act in the best possible way comes from having your senses ready for whatever comes as often as possible. It happens by seeing the world, by smelling it, by keeping an open mind, by feeling things...

    Then the thread seems to me to come with the unasked question of "what should i (you) do, to be sure my (your) son will get better". By understanding the world, you may help. But whatever you do, nothing will give you certainty in this uncertain world. Because even if you threw that rotten tomato away, there is still that possibility that your guest's baby will take it out of the trash and eat it when you are not looking ;)
  • @mithril Ah, I think I get what you are saying. No I wouldn't just turn him lose on a bunch of Buddhist text, and start spouting off a bunch of incomprehensible information to him. I would apply it as it comes and where appropriate in away appropriate to him. However in order to do that, then me being new at this, would like to look at how children learn it, even the simplest of adult lessons are too hard to apply to him, because well I don't fully get it so... Outside of having an understanding of the 4NT and 8 FP, which are basically how I have always tried to raise my kids, I am really just treading water.

    BTW, I am not a Mom that feeds my kids the answers to life, I will teach facts, but when it comes to opinions, my first question is always "well what do you know about ..." I sometimes fill in a little information there, if I can. Then I will ask them "what do you think" and I try to help them discover what they think and feel versus feeding a preformed opinion or feeling of mine. Who knows maybe that is my biggest fault in parenting, but I want my kids to always think for themselves, not just follow the crowd.

    BTW, I have a 21 year old and though she is very confused about life and has much to discover, she behaves very differently than most kids her age have. She is getting her footing in her confidence, but I know every time she makes her own decision that confidence builds. I am very proud of her, btw she has started investigating Buddhism on her own, I just found out a couple weeks ago, since I have only been learning a few months and it hasn't been the topic of any of our conversation, it's something she is being drawn to on her own.
  • edited March 2012
    @mithril what you say is all so true, and I understand that, I am just seeking some information that maybe I have not become aware of yet, that maybe be helpful. Life experience is really how we learn, but if I can help my son experience on a smaller level, then it is possible he can learn the lesson in a way that may seriously harm him, than if left to just experience it.

    ie: things burn lesson, I taught my kids thing were hot with the use of a candle, I simply had them put there hand over it and feel it's warm at a high distance, with my hand just under theirs, we got a little closer holding it for several seconds and talking about what they feel, then a little closer same thing, until it started getting uncomfortable (my tolerance for heat is higher than theirs, hence mine under theirs), and lastly we talked about what it would happen and feel like to have actually touched it. My kids have a high respect for hot things, thus have never actually gotten burned.
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