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Buddhism for kids?
I think I am just confusing my son.
He is 12, and suffers from "ADHD" (which seems to me really is a label for one that can't calm their mind, at least in my son's case it seems to be). Since his diagnosis and various treatments, 6 years ago it has only gotten more complex. He has been in recent years diagnosed with social anxiety, disassociative disorder, moderate depression and PTSD. He has had several seriously traumatic incidences he needs to find peace with, due to the lack of understanding, compassion, and inability of people (mainly adults) to cope with his issues, (or just plain do not recognize them as being anything but a parental issue). I took him of the typical meds over a year ago, which actually helped him more than anything since his diagnosis. He was approaching a sever level of under growth and development, sleep deprivation, paranoid delusions, suicidal ideations, hallucinations, and few more less serious side-effect, (which have all went away since removing him from the meds). We have been using the Biofeedback therapy (little over a year now), which seems to have reached it's peak on helping him, & weekly psychologist visits for a couple years. Plus the love and patience of Mom. I am not looking for anything to replace his current medical treatments, but they don't quite seem enough. For anyone unfamiliar with Biofeedback aka neurotransmitter feedback treatment it's all about stimulating or calming certain parts of the brain using training and practice to alter the neuron patterns.
His conditions are sever enough, I did not see any alternative, but to pull him back from the typical life and pressures of being a 12 year old this past fall. He is currently receiving his education online at home with me, and seeing the Doctors 3-4 times a week. Though much less sever, he seems depressed over not being around other kids enough, but until he is able to cope with how he is treated, and I we have a firm grip on appropriate behavior (through less frequent and more control interactions), I don't believe it is wise to simply toss him back in the shark pool. I hope to get all this under control, so that he can have a closer to typical life in the next year or 2, but at our current rate of progress that doesn't look like it will happen.
Learning the things about Buddhism that I have, I think it might help him find true internal peace and calmness, so any thoughts on where to start with it? It needs to be far more simplistic than how I am going about learning it. He has a well above average intelligence according to school testing, but he gets easily frustrated with new concepts and things that he doesn't understand easily. He loves learning about Buddhism, but once again gets frustrated at the more advance thoughts (frustration for him leads to an inability to focus and being pushed during these times leads other unacceptable behaviors, which require some sort of discipline on my part).
If he truly understood mediation, I would prefer to have him meditate to clear his mind and angst, versus simply putting him in time out or any other method of discipline I currently use. He is a great kid, has more compassion and thoughtfulness towards the behavior others, than I have seen in any of his peers. So much so, he will come and hug me often out of the blue, saying he just sensed I just needed a hug (he has always been correct) or he says it's just because he needed one.
So where do I go to help guide my child in learning Buddhism? Since I have just recently realized there are several different types of Buddhism such as Dharma, Zen, Tibetian .... Is there one that would be easier for him to grasp, that I should look into first?
He is 12, and suffers from "ADHD" (which seems to me really is a label for one that can't calm their mind, at least in my son's case it seems to be). Since his diagnosis and various treatments, 6 years ago it has only gotten more complex. He has been in recent years diagnosed with social anxiety, disassociative disorder, moderate depression and PTSD. He has had several seriously traumatic incidences he needs to find peace with, due to the lack of understanding, compassion, and inability of people (mainly adults) to cope with his issues, (or just plain do not recognize them as being anything but a parental issue). I took him of the typical meds over a year ago, which actually helped him more than anything since his diagnosis. He was approaching a sever level of under growth and development, sleep deprivation, paranoid delusions, suicidal ideations, hallucinations, and few more less serious side-effect, (which have all went away since removing him from the meds). We have been using the Biofeedback therapy (little over a year now), which seems to have reached it's peak on helping him, & weekly psychologist visits for a couple years. Plus the love and patience of Mom. I am not looking for anything to replace his current medical treatments, but they don't quite seem enough. For anyone unfamiliar with Biofeedback aka neurotransmitter feedback treatment it's all about stimulating or calming certain parts of the brain using training and practice to alter the neuron patterns.
His conditions are sever enough, I did not see any alternative, but to pull him back from the typical life and pressures of being a 12 year old this past fall. He is currently receiving his education online at home with me, and seeing the Doctors 3-4 times a week. Though much less sever, he seems depressed over not being around other kids enough, but until he is able to cope with how he is treated, and I we have a firm grip on appropriate behavior (through less frequent and more control interactions), I don't believe it is wise to simply toss him back in the shark pool. I hope to get all this under control, so that he can have a closer to typical life in the next year or 2, but at our current rate of progress that doesn't look like it will happen.
Learning the things about Buddhism that I have, I think it might help him find true internal peace and calmness, so any thoughts on where to start with it? It needs to be far more simplistic than how I am going about learning it. He has a well above average intelligence according to school testing, but he gets easily frustrated with new concepts and things that he doesn't understand easily. He loves learning about Buddhism, but once again gets frustrated at the more advance thoughts (frustration for him leads to an inability to focus and being pushed during these times leads other unacceptable behaviors, which require some sort of discipline on my part).
If he truly understood mediation, I would prefer to have him meditate to clear his mind and angst, versus simply putting him in time out or any other method of discipline I currently use. He is a great kid, has more compassion and thoughtfulness towards the behavior others, than I have seen in any of his peers. So much so, he will come and hug me often out of the blue, saying he just sensed I just needed a hug (he has always been correct) or he says it's just because he needed one.
So where do I go to help guide my child in learning Buddhism? Since I have just recently realized there are several different types of Buddhism such as Dharma, Zen, Tibetian .... Is there one that would be easier for him to grasp, that I should look into first?
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Comments
If you look at the 4NT the 8FP and the 5 precepts - nowhere in there does it mention anything about Buddhism - and yet therein lies everything anyone would ever want to know and practice, in order to lead a mindful and skilful life...
lead by example, and every now and then, mention something to do with the 5 or the 8...
...."Your view is important, but according to the 8FP, it's important to establish your view once you've weighed all the facts up without prejudice.... "
That kind of thing.
Drop feed titbits to arouse his curiosity.
I also mean that seriously. If I'd do anything at all I think I would stick with the basics; the life of the Buddha the Jataka tales.
Something like this maybe?
http://www.buddhanet.net/e-learning/buddhism/index.htm
depending on where you live, there might be nice Shangas around with a nice active community that have all kind of activities such as kid days...
Shangas are the equivalent of churches.
so perhaps you want to look around where you live and do some local exploring.
Ask your doctor or psychologist about mindfulness meditation.
There is a mindfulness meditation movement run by psychologists, who may be very well equipped to deal with your son.
Mindfulness meditation is pretty much the abc of meditation and can be very helpful.
Good luck to you!
I think I have done fairly well in respecting live, compassion, and doing what it right..., Trying to not to put too much behind this being the cause, but society here (in general) is some what conflicted with the things I have taught him. The things he has experienced to a good degree contradict my way of thinking and living. I think having some reinforcement and better understanding on Buddhist teachings would be helpful to him, along with learning to practice mediation would be quite helpful with his mental and emotional hurdles. I just don't know how to direct him on a good path to learning these things.
I am sure as I come to understand more I will be able to guide him better, but it is really nice to be able to direct him down something to start learning while I get a better grasp on more complex parts of it.
Thank you
I have asked for input from both of his Psychologist on Buddhism. Neither of them really knew very much about it. His main one for emotions, liked the way I was teaching him "Karma" using pebbles as a physical representation of negativity, so that he can see how negativity builds up around us, but when we do good things then we can help bring down the negativity and eventually life will become more positive feeling than negative. This is a very simplistic view of Karma, and I don't refer to it as Karma, but rather describe it to him how when we do negative things, it breeds more negativity in our lives, but when we do positive things then we build a more positive feeling, thus feel better.
Besides the the pure buddhism aspect would you consider martial arts like karate?
It is much better that social games like soccer of hockey since all children focus on their own practise (mostly) and does not have to keep track of everybody else like in Football.
With the right teacher it is also a great stepping stone into practical buddhism aka Budo.
Also that leads naturally to social interaction before and after practice.
Just a thought.
/Victor
Good luck with your boy though.
Myself I do not have any focus issues but what was really up my alley at his age was Suttanipatha.
Some of the verses like 'Victory' were really inspiring. I must have read them a hundred times.
/Victor
I appreciate your input and everyone else's. I have some very good suggestions to look into.
2) As someone diagnosed and previously medicated with ADD I would also say that focusing on meditation practice probably isn't that wise, until he wants to and is ready. You might also have a try at chanting with him for a few minutes a day and see if that is suitable.
I agree with the others on martial arts too, if he likes it, that is.
Namaste
Our boy, 13, has ADD and mild Tourette syndrome. He was born at 27 weeks and may have sensory issues due to that... it is uncertain. We avoided using medication for the longest time, trying everything else, but finally decided with a good doctor to carefully medicate. Along with our own intensive occupational intervention (my wife works in the autism field) from when he was young, he is now doing well, he is a happy kid.
As far as Buddhism is concerned , ours is a Buddhist home, not in a heavy doctrinal way, but in the sense that the Four Noble Truths, anicca dukkha anatta, and mindfulness are ordinary. We have been very careful about introducing the idea of Anatta, because that requires a strong healthy integrated psychological self first, IMHO. Has has been taught that there is no such thing as forbidden or shameful thoughts or impulses, and that his inner sun shines equally on everything, but that there is socially appropriate and inappropriate behaviour. He has also been taught that the sky is always there regardless of the cloud cover, and how that sky is always bright and clear and pure and good. He has and does sit meditation, but just a little, and we would never push it... he has no problem concentrating on chocolate ice cream. We have been very clear to him that he has to make his own choices about what path to follow, or whether to follow any path at all.
anicca dukkha anatta - these are terms I was not familiar with, now looking them up I can look for possibly better approaches to teaching them to him.
I have heard them in lay speech but when looking for guidance on them it's really kind of essential to know the terms, if you know what I mean. It's great there are many things out there for us to learn it without having to learn a foreign language, but often in translation parts are missed, sometimes important parts.
Thank you
Anicca ..Impermanence..
He knows that everything is impermanent. Everything that is born will die, including his mother and I, and one day him too. There is nothing "wrong" with this as far and the unfolding of life goes, but for us it hurts. We can grow to be wise and let go, and realize that we are that basic sky that is not born and does not die. This is not the way I'd put to an adult, but for a child it is appropriate because he needs a good image to work with. We also live with and are caring for two very old loved ones who are no longer mobile.. it is kind of tough... so he is seeing old age and death. But.. he also knows that ultimately..ultimately NO PROBLEM... never has been, never will be.
Dukkha ... Dissatisfaction.. He knows about endless thirst and dissatisfaction.. Maybe he will play the Wii for a while.... then a bit of skype with friends... then drawing...
then TV...... then jumping around the furniture like a looney toon.... then a visit to the fridge... Then he will say to me "Dad... I'm a feeling like a Hungry Ghost" It is cute.
Anatta ... no abiding self
This we just put this in terms of our selves being like a whirlpools in the stream of life.. The whirlpools are only the stream itself.. the stream flows on... so enjoy and be happy.
That is basically where we are at in communicating with him...
Like looking at a sunset - you see it. But if you haven't seen one before people could spend their lives on trying to persuade you how beautiful it is, and it is unlikely it would mean much more then the word to you. You would actually be at risk to be annoyed by the concept, and actually avoid the experience because of it..
Keeping that in mind, the way to go about it would be - when there is a question about dharma that is asked (and it needn't be "Tell me about dharma"; really most questions about life); you can answer it as best as you can. Other then that :-/
Asking for guidance on where to find information on Buddhism for kids is a little different than suggested parenting, but I have appreciated all the information and ideas that are being passed on to me. I am a pretty confident mom, and steadfast in my beliefs, though I am open to more growth, and ways to help my kids understand them, it doesn't really change what I believe. Also is has become apparent the ways I know of teaching them needs improvement. To say I didn't have very good role models for parents would be an understatement, so I really am a make it up as you go along Mom. I hope that all made sense.
Buddhism by itself is concerned with dukkha (loosely translated as suffering or dissatisfaction) and with the cessation of it. Therefore, for him to actually understand (not just know conceptually) he will have to come across it in one way or another. His particular situation will require a particular kind of response and understanding (this is what i mean by - when questions arise, they can be answered). If responding to that just means a flood of Buddhist vocabulary or a pack of incense, there will be no dharma thought in that case.
Only when attending to what is happening in that moment to the kid, to onself, to the relationship in which you both are, will something meaningful happen. And for this, you need neither a Buddhist school or a dharma lecture. Buddhism is about learning about what is (=truth). The more you understand it, the more you can help others who may have tangled themselves into confusion by lack of understanding.
Yeah, this is what happens in meditation. It is hard to explain sensibly with words.
..and I agree with your description of what Buddhism is about.
What i mean by knowing what is, is:
- when you see a person sick with lung cancer, you can instruct another one not to smoke
- when you know the plate is hot, you can instruct another person not to touch it when he is about to do it
- when you know cars get unpredictable and dangerous at high speeds, you can instruct someone to drive according to speed limit
- when you know thinking a certain way leads you into unhappiness, you can advise someone to think about it in a different way
- when you get a blister walking long distances in new shoes, you can suggest to others to walk for short distances in new shoes first
- by tasting a rotten tomato you may know better to throw it away next time, thus sparing you and others from the experience
So knowing how to act in the best possible way comes from having your senses ready for whatever comes as often as possible. It happens by seeing the world, by smelling it, by keeping an open mind, by feeling things...
Then the thread seems to me to come with the unasked question of "what should i (you) do, to be sure my (your) son will get better". By understanding the world, you may help. But whatever you do, nothing will give you certainty in this uncertain world. Because even if you threw that rotten tomato away, there is still that possibility that your guest's baby will take it out of the trash and eat it when you are not looking
BTW, I am not a Mom that feeds my kids the answers to life, I will teach facts, but when it comes to opinions, my first question is always "well what do you know about ..." I sometimes fill in a little information there, if I can. Then I will ask them "what do you think" and I try to help them discover what they think and feel versus feeding a preformed opinion or feeling of mine. Who knows maybe that is my biggest fault in parenting, but I want my kids to always think for themselves, not just follow the crowd.
BTW, I have a 21 year old and though she is very confused about life and has much to discover, she behaves very differently than most kids her age have. She is getting her footing in her confidence, but I know every time she makes her own decision that confidence builds. I am very proud of her, btw she has started investigating Buddhism on her own, I just found out a couple weeks ago, since I have only been learning a few months and it hasn't been the topic of any of our conversation, it's something she is being drawn to on her own.
ie: things burn lesson, I taught my kids thing were hot with the use of a candle, I simply had them put there hand over it and feel it's warm at a high distance, with my hand just under theirs, we got a little closer holding it for several seconds and talking about what they feel, then a little closer same thing, until it started getting uncomfortable (my tolerance for heat is higher than theirs, hence mine under theirs), and lastly we talked about what it would happen and feel like to have actually touched it. My kids have a high respect for hot things, thus have never actually gotten burned.