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balancing others' needs with own needs

evolveevolve Explorer
edited March 2012 in General Banter
hello,

If a friend or family member wanted you to attend something like a get together but you weren't in the mood. would you go for them, despite wanting not really to go? I'm sometimes invited to do things with my family but they make me uncomfortable, I do go often for some reason, but I'm beginning to wonder if I could balance things differently. like maybe my mind set, or realizing something about taking care of myself while taking care of them? or just stop going to their gatherings. when I do go, I feel kinda sensitive to their rubbish conversations and I use the opportunity to have compassion and patience and always just end up still feeling hurt by their way of being, and walk away with this weight on me. Even though I have understanding for their nature, it still hurts. hmm, so I'm wondering if it's really worth it, I don't want to run away from an opportunity to practice loving understanding for my family, but I also don't want to put myself through an environment that continually makes me uncomfortable.

thank you

Comments

  • lamaramadingdonglamaramadingdong Veteran
    I didn't attend my college graduation- thought it was stupid. Looking back, it is one of my regrets in life. It would have meant a lot to my parents.
  • vinlynvinlyn Colorado...for now Veteran
    I didn't attend my college graduation- thought it was stupid. Looking back, it is one of my regrets in life. It would have meant a lot to my parents.
    My family was not disappointed that I did not attend mine either, but I wish I had.

    @evolve: You used the word balnce in your OP, and I think that is the key here. I went through a period of my life when I would pretty much refuse to go to funerals. But, there were rare times when to not go would have been very hurtful, so I would make an occasional exception. With my family, it was sort of the same thing. They certainly didn't get the idea that they could just count on me to be at a gathering with them, but there were some gatherings that were particularly meaningful, and then I would go. When I was a school administrator, I would be very selective when I would attend a social event. And to be honest, my selectivity often meant the my presence was valued all the more. You have to be true to yourself, but sometimes you have to be compassionate toward others. That's where the balance comes in.

  • personperson Don't believe everything you think The liminal space Veteran
    edited March 2012
    I feel the same way about my extended family. Most of them like to sit on a boat or snowmobile, drink beer and listen to country music. I can't relate to them at all and they can't relate to me. My mom and her brothers and sister are very close and like to get together with my cousins and their kids, she kind of expects that I'll want to be there too and gets upset when I express my aversion. On the other hand I like to see and spend time with my brother, sister and my niece and nephews and these are some of the times I get to see them. Anyway, I don't really have any advice, I'm just in the same boat. Lately I've stopped attending and personally feel better about it but feel bad about how it may make my mom feel to kind of reject the larger family.
  • Lady_AlisonLady_Alison Veteran
    Have you thought of voicing your feelings about the way they behave?
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