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Jerbear has not reached Enlightenment...yet!
Jerbear
Veteran
Hello all,
I haven't posted in over a month now. After being quite active on the board, I hit a wall mentally and emotionally in my personal life that felt like a mack truck had run me over. I have kept in touch with Brigid and Rev. Genryu and they know I'm alive. I want all to know that it has nothing to do with the board or anyone on it.
As I had stated before, it was a bout with depression that I'm still working to overcome. At this time, I will not be restarting the thread on TNH's book. Please keep it stickied though. I will most likely be restarting it in a few weeks. Just waiting until I know I have the energy to do so.
Things are starting to improve, but it has been a slow process. The physical therapy has done wonders. The pain has lessened more than I thought it would. I haven't had any of the bouts I was having a while back where I dreaded movement. My mental state has improved slowly. I'm just getting back to meditating regularly. I should have known something was up when I didn't want to do that as it is one of my favorite things to do.
Hope you all know that you've been in my thoughts regularly. I've even come and read some of the posts but felt I had nothing to say. So I've been lurking in the shadows.
I haven't posted in over a month now. After being quite active on the board, I hit a wall mentally and emotionally in my personal life that felt like a mack truck had run me over. I have kept in touch with Brigid and Rev. Genryu and they know I'm alive. I want all to know that it has nothing to do with the board or anyone on it.
As I had stated before, it was a bout with depression that I'm still working to overcome. At this time, I will not be restarting the thread on TNH's book. Please keep it stickied though. I will most likely be restarting it in a few weeks. Just waiting until I know I have the energy to do so.
Things are starting to improve, but it has been a slow process. The physical therapy has done wonders. The pain has lessened more than I thought it would. I haven't had any of the bouts I was having a while back where I dreaded movement. My mental state has improved slowly. I'm just getting back to meditating regularly. I should have known something was up when I didn't want to do that as it is one of my favorite things to do.
Hope you all know that you've been in my thoughts regularly. I've even come and read some of the posts but felt I had nothing to say. So I've been lurking in the shadows.
0
Comments
First, I spent a lot more time being "one" with the world around me. I know this is more a toaist philosophy, but I've just come to realize there's this amazing flow to the whole world that I can see clearly in a peacefull, often meditative mindstate. I've actually done a lot more walking meditation which has proved more beneficial to me. what I'm saying is, go out to nature if you can, or just watch a sunset for an hour, but just release your ego and be a part of the whole of existence. otherwise, I've basically devoted myself to spending all my time strengthening myself either physicall or mentally, and often both, but that's probably just something that works for me. I don't know if this way of looking at life would make sense to you, or maybe it just does to me, but if this makes any sense please take it under advisement.
Also, I've really realized lately how important it is to have compassion for all life. I'm scared to death or spiders, but now I'm even feeling compassion for them (and stopped killing them). but at the same time, compassion should never mean helping one being at the detriment to your own well being. balance in all things, harmony with the world, these are all I have to offer at present, but I hope it helps you.
I have never known similar depths of despair and hopelessness, and I cannot possibly begin to understand the overwhelming effect this must have upon a person and their existence...
But I never cease to be amazed at how Buddhism, with all its' teachings and counsel, is able to provide an important and unshakable comfort to those who are all-envelopped in their own personal pitch-black darkness....
Buddhism does indeed provide the greatest Refuge anyone could wish for, it seems....
I congratulate you both on the obvious strength, fortitude and determination you have both displayed.
There are one or two other members who are also familiar with the feelings and sensations you have yourselves had to endure.... It distresses me personally to "witness" the distress all of you have endured, but I am ever optimistic and positive for your collective progress, because I am now more than ever convinced that Buddhism is a key (if not THE key) to finding Clarity and resolution.
Jerbear, you cannot know how much we have missed you....
Thank you both for posting, and having the courage, dignity and character to stand up and bear witness to your personal suffering - and to your determination to overcome.
wishing you the best.
I know I don't contribute much, but spirtually I feel like I do teehee!
regards,
Xrayman
http://www.mayyoubeblessedmovie.com/
We have certainly missed you. I am so glad you are doing better and I will keep you in my thoughts. You are very important to all of us. Please do not hesitate to turn to any of us for help.
Your friend,
Kim
Best wishes, my friend.
-bf
So happy to see your post! You have our love and support behind you at all times.
I'm particularly happy to hear that the physio is going so well. You knew it would and I'm very glad you were able to continue.
We love you, Jerry.
With big, gentle hugs and kisses,
Brigid
Just so you are up to date, I fell down a flight of stairs a year and a half ago. Been in chronic pain since. It has affected every aspect of my life. I was doing well for the longest and then around February 2006 I hit this wall. I tried to keep up appearances (not the show) but decided to stop and take care of me. If you're interested, feel free to PM me. Any support I can offer, I will give. My next day off I plan on walking outside as I miss walking a great deal.
All,
I must say that it was not being able to meditate that started all of this. If I go through another round of pain like this, I will meditate laying down. I need to do it for me. It offers me peace, quiet and solace like nothing ever has.
Ladies,
I am almost through season one of "Desparate Housewives". The only thing that has been able to make me laugh during all of this. Bree is so wonderful. Sure, she's a bit OCD about homemaking, but still a kind hearted soul.
And yes, meditating laying down is an excellent idea! I do that on occassion, when I am sore or whatever. It gets the job done!
Hugs to you Jerry....great to see you on here again.
Thanks so much for posting and giving an update. I knew you had a terrible spill. I hadn't realized you were down such a hole and in so much pain. Whereas many Buddhists 'contemplate' suffering, physical suffering is among the most difficult to endure, perhaps only to be rivaled by emotional suffering. You have both.
Another board I participated on had a strain on 'pain as teacher', an interesting thread, but I felt it was misguided in the end because only a few people had direct knowledge of continuous chronic pain. I can't imagine your situation. My hat is off to you, friend. Your trial is real, a real reminder that reality is not 'soft,' that 'how things are' is not weak.
In my writing class right now, my students are reading about personal experiences with disability. The writers I've chosen for them to read are also not wilting violets--they are real people with real chronic and debilitating illnesses. They are unapologetic for how they live; some have an "in your face" attitude about their conditions. Students find this shocking that someone who appears "weak" (read: disabled) are strong inside. Have you seen "Murderball"? It's a documentary about the slow process of putting one's life together after becoming quadriplegic. Inspirational, but without rose-colored lenses.
I think it's a miracle you're finding your way back to practice. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. You're an important voice on this forum and you've been missed.
Peace