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Dealing With Crippling Shame
Glow
Veteran
My biggest obstacle at this point in my practice is crippling shame, particularly with regard to my own parents. They were an extremely hard-working couple of people, who sacrificed everything to bring us out of the poverty of South Asia and established themselves in the West. I have always felt inadequate to live up to the love and sacrifice they extended to me. They worked hard all my life, and I have never felt I could work hard enough to match their level of sacrifice. Everything I do -- from my choice in career, to my leisure activities -- feels, by contrast, selfish, petty, lazy, indulgent, not enough
One antidote I have tried has been self-compassion, but how can one practice self-compassion when you feel like you don't deserve it? Or, especially distressing, when you fear becoming indulgent or lazy?
This is especially painful because, as I grow older and the years take their toll, I am feeling progressively wearier. Years of anxiety and depression have rendered my cognitive faculties slower, and these years of shame and guilt have left me with little ambition or energy to move forward with my life. I've dealt with these demons before, but now I feel Idon't have the energy. This is a dark place... and I don't know quite how to get out.
One antidote I have tried has been self-compassion, but how can one practice self-compassion when you feel like you don't deserve it? Or, especially distressing, when you fear becoming indulgent or lazy?
This is especially painful because, as I grow older and the years take their toll, I am feeling progressively wearier. Years of anxiety and depression have rendered my cognitive faculties slower, and these years of shame and guilt have left me with little ambition or energy to move forward with my life. I've dealt with these demons before, but now I feel Idon't have the energy. This is a dark place... and I don't know quite how to get out.
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Comments
Age makes fools of us all, pointing out with relentless assurances, how mistaken we were in the past, both with our pride and our disappointment. Shame takes energy even as age saps that energy. The secret delight that shame once provided, dwindles ... and leaves us all wondering correctly, "What the hell was I talking about?!"
Your parents love you. They protected you. They nourished you. They seemed to create a sense of debt in you. But would they, if you asked them, wish upon you a debilitating shame, constantly measuring your own activities against what they did from love and because they were who they were? I seriously doubt it: No parent wishes to cripple his children.
So how will you adequately repay the love you felt and the hard work you attribute to them? The only way is to live fully yourself ... to investigate this pain and shame right down to its root. Is the one who is ashamed ashamed? Is the one who feels at a loss at a loss? Where does this shame go when you sneeze? As you love your parents, look and see ... and fulfill their wish for you.
First, you should appreciate all that your parents did for you.
At the same time, however, you should realize that you live in a different place than they did. You live in a different time than they did. They were different people than you are.
Once you have thought that through, then get on with your life and stop comparing yourself to them. Begin to measure your life and your accomplishments based on a clean slate.
Not as extreme but my mom moves so fast she makes my hyper self look like I am tied to a stick. She can always get more done and sometimes it is things i don't really care that much about. I have learned to just notice and observe, then say to myself 'ahh I see that', So i see that the dishes donot sit in the sink longer than 15minutes when she visits, but that she cannot arrange a picture on the walll herself because sheis not artistic. these are al noticings and no judgements.
I would go back 2 steps before self compassion to being an observer of yourself and your parents (are they still alive?). As you watch any action in yourself and them notice the tension in the body or the ease in which things are done. Find the places in yourself that the stress settles and be aware. When your mond moves into the 'stories' then stop and go back to observing. This will be a large process but moving from 'actor' to 'observer' is a way to step out of this stressful drama.
Then as a little note, both being attached to being the greatest ever, but also being attached to being the worst ever, are part of ego. When you are letting go of the idea and experience of a separate self then you will also let go of the idea that your separate self owes a debt to another separate self. In other words it very much can get better.
Attack that thought. In your case; kill your parents (as the mental burden you turned them into; not really not physically obviously).
Make the thought explicit and write it down.
Question the thought. Are you sure that’s true? Turn it around.
Picture your life without the blocking thought and replace it with something more productive.
Please remember that you can always contact me for a chat, old friend.
with hugs,
D.
Your parents did what parents do for their children. Survival of the species means doing everything possible to see that the next generation survives and thrives. I would imagine that they also worked hard and made those sacrifices for their own upward mobility, too. Their own lives improved as well as yours. You'll get your turn to make it up to them in their old age. But if you allow depression to rule your life, you won't be in very good shape psychologically or economically to reciprocate when your time comes.
Just a few things to think about.
Dear Glow
I Often hear people say that they struggle with mental afflictions such as these and I often hear others speak of self compassion as the answer. Now In order to truly practice Self compassion and solve what we perceive to be our problem we first have to identify what the cause of our suffering is.
The Deluded Mind of Self grasping which perceives all phenomena as Inherent causes in turn the deluded mind of Self cherishing to arise it is through this mind of self cherishing that we create all our own problems and suffering by following this mind, It is Self cherishing that creates your crippling shame through this tight grasping mind you will only experience pain and suffering. Therefore the problem is identified we actually need to abandon Self cherishing and Self grasping deluded minds.
Cherishing yourself is the door to all faults and suffering so abandon this mind and instead focus upon others welfare look into the practice of cherishing others and replace the thought "what will benefit me?" with the thought "what will benefit others?" and you will soon find your problems disappearing because an unattended mind dwells upon its own needs and wishes it shall come up short as the nature of Samsara is suffering whereas a mind that is concerned with others welfare shall not experience suffering because concern for others is a virtue and a cause of happiness.
Practice developing Bodhichitta this a mind that will certainly remove your problem I would also reconmend you to read Shantideva's Guide to the Bodhisattva way of life.
Look for teachings of Emptiness/ Shunyata to cut through Self grasping and this shall permenantly solve all your problems.
For many years, beeing around him made me feel inadequate. I'm just a normal girl who like to hang out with friends, read leisurely and do girly stuff, you know. . .
But what I have learned is that thanks to him, I have become exposed to many things. Religion, philosophy, and compassion are things I am grateful he gave to me. He has never pushed, but encouraged me to be the best I can. When I went back to school I beat myself up because of my GPA, a 3.50 (out of 4.0) ...I was trying to be a straight a college student like him. I was torn about it...I got a D on a final exam that dropped my A to a B.
He asked me, holding the D paper, "is this the best you could do? "
"Yes, I really tried! "
Then he did something I'll never forget. He went and pinned the exam on a magnet on the fridge. "I'm proud. It counts because you tried. "
So the point is that the outcome of your life or accomplishments don't matter as much as your effort...and as long as you keep trying to do your best.
It doesn't have to be perfect or a straight A. It just has to be good.
Instead of feeling shame or self pity...think about all the ways your parents enriched your life...it's got to be for a reason, right. And I don't hear any ungratefulness in your op...so live your life as a testament of what they did for you. Honor them by living a good life for yourself and others.
As a matter of fact, you may never be able to do enough to match what they did for you. That's ok. You are not them. So do the best you can within your scope...
I'll admit, this last year has been pretty difficult for me and I've been struggling with a sense of general dissatisfaction with my life choices. My parents are still alive and, in fact, what brought on this latest low spot was going back to my parents' house over the weekend. It has reawoken old dragons I had thought I put to rest long ago.
My father is a doctor, and I was always expected to follow in his footsteps. When I didn't and became a (gasp) musician instead, it felt like I was breaking away from them and I've struggled with this feeling that I had betrayed them ever since. These people whom I loved with all my heart, who had supported me, and to whom I owe so much opportunity... I felt like I'd chosen to become something foreign to them. They never outright rejected me, but it was quite sad not being able to share with them my life, because they couldn't understand it.
I'm in a different career now -- more stable, but far from economically lucrative. I long to be able to take care of my parents in their old age, like many of my friends are preparing to do. They're growing older, but still working much more and much harder than I ever have in my life. They seem to be enjoying it, but I wish I could offer them a chance to slow down should they want it. I find their work ethic beautiful and admirable, but also very difficult to understand and to match. Where to they get so much energy? How do they keep going so long with little break for leisure or fun? They seem super-human. So I walk around and see all of these overachievers (some of them I went to school with)... and think: "Am I just lazy? Inept? Defective?"
Of course, my practice has gone on long enough to see these things (as many of you have noted) merely as self-views: clinging to a certain self-concept, a construction of thought and perception. Though it feels very real, and it's difficult to shake off. And with little prospect of really improving things in terms of my career or achievement, it feels like any openness and dis-identification I achieve wouldn't result in much.
But of course, you all are right in that it's this very identification that needs to be seen through.
I see what you mean about your parents being a tough act to follow. Still grinding away at their advanced age. But they grew up in a radically different environment than you. Cut yourself some slack. Do not compare yourself to others. Do what's right for you. No one really knows what's best for you but you. Look at the positive side; surely you have some gifts to share with humanity in your own humble way. That's good enough. Hopefully your career conforms with your values, even if it doesn't bring in a lot of money. Money isn't everything.
Look at your positive qualities, instead of focussing on the negative, or inventing negative points where there aren't any, by comparing yourself to impossible ideals. Make a list of your positive traits. Start keeping a gratitude journal, listing one thing you're grateful for every day. It trains the mind to see the positive in life, and helps get you out of depression. And for heaven's sake, don't beat yourself up for being depressed! Just work on it. Get some counseling if our advice doesn't help. You've set up some mental habits, some thought patterns, that aren't helpful. You can change those with mindfulness and a little discipline.
It's ok. You're human. You're allowed to be human. Welcome to the club.
(group hug emoticon)
Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you, and though they are with you, they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
for they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you,
for life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
http://www.katsandogz.com/onchildren.html
Be grateful for the gift they gave you. It was a no-strings-attached gift. Your life is your own.