severe illness in the family

Lookingformyway

How to deal with this issue;

I live in Canada after leaving the UK 5 years ago.

My grandparents from my dads side are alive and in there late 80's. They are like 2 turtle doves...they love each other so much it genuinly gives you the sense that true love is forever.

My mum called me today to let me know my nan is ill, with a lump in her stomach...the docs are leaning towards...the big C word, and at her age it could get bad quick.

Now...I can't help but see this as my first big mental challange on this new path I'm walking, and I'm not sure how to handle it or what I should do.

I know we are imperminent, but the selfish side of me doesn't want her to die yet, nor do I want her to pass without seeing her again, but I can't afford to fly out there...my wife has never met her which also upsets me... The unselfish side of me feels so much pain for the suffering my grandad will endure if this takes her....it will be like a swan losing his mate...

So far, all I have managed to achieve is to learn a mantra from the healing Buddha in the hope it will help her overcome, or help her be less scared, as well as the hope it will help my grandfarther...

I'm not sure what else I can, or should be doing as a journeying Buddhist at this time...?

jogut101

One suggestion I have is to just accept the feelings you have about the situation. It's all understandable that you feel this way. Who says you need to know how to handle it or what to do? You will find that whatever happens, with some faith and some meditation you will know what to do.
Death is just as much a part of life as life itself is. All I can say is: try and meditate on this fact and accept whatever happens. If you feel sad, feel sad, and accept that feeling. But also try and feel happy about how your grandparents are in love, how you had a relationship w/ them, etc.
I know it is much easier for me to say since I am not in the same situation right now, but you will get through this

Hoping for the best for you and your family.

Cinorjer

It sounds like you're doing a great job so far. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is realize there is nothing we can do. Let your Nan know you love her and you're worried about her, and meditate on the impermanence of life. What else is there to do?

genkaku

@lookingformyway -- Death is a gob-stopper, that's for sure.

Try not to fight with the inability to speak.

Wish for the one who is dying what he or she might wish and be less intrusive with what you might wish.

Quiet the breath when you can and do a little meditation, perhaps, in front of a picture of the person you love and don't want to lose. If you find the impending loss too much, insert a little of what has been gained from and with this wonderful soul. But otherwise, try to be at peace with whatever comes to visit you ... tears, frustration, anger, loss, helplessness ... whatever it is, that is it and it is OK.

Be patient and honest.

I wish you the best.

Lookingformyway

Thank you everyone for your words of wisdom/advice. I do appreciate it, and will try to act on them.

The Mantra I found, which I am continuously reciting right now is;

Tayata
Om Bekandze Bekandze
Maha Bekandze
Radza Samudgate Soha

possibilities

Beautiful chant of the above.

suopohe

I recited the name of Buddha and wish your nanny a speedy recovery.
Seek any medical help you can.

Here's Medicine Buddha Dharani:

namo bhagavate bhaiṣajyaguru
vaiḍūryaprabharājāya tathāgatāya
arhate samyaksambuddhāya tadyathā:
oṃ bhaiṣajye bhaiṣajye mahābhaiṣajya-samudgate svāhā.

Lookingformyway

Ty for these videos

Lady_Alison

I was going to suggest Skype. So that she gets an oppurtunity to meet your partner and say goodbye.

I think meditation could help in small doses maybe break it up into 10 mins instead of a full 30 to 40 mins. Right now just watch the feelings and emotions that come up. Don't force them down, some will over power you and that's ok. You should honor grief by giving it space. Grieving is quite healthy.

My heart goes out to you.

ThailandTom

Hey, my grandparents on my fathers side were both in their 80s and my grandfather died in febuary and his funeral was on valentines day... Now my grandmother is 84 I think, she can still drive, do the gardening, but they were together forever, ofcourse I feel for her, but what can I do? Apart from keep communication and make her feel loved and not alone, not much else. Everyone has their own path and own life.

One of the first tachings that really hit home to me was impermanence and the fact that there are things in life that are way beyond our control. If we try to control these things we just suffer. There is that saying that one should be like the tree that sways with the breeze rather than the tree that leans against the wind.

By the way, where in the UK were you from originally out of curiosity as I am from the UK myself too.

Lady_Alison

I think I just got the other half of what impermeace means :

"Letting go, gently "...thank you, @thailandtom. My inner spirit was moved by what you said.

ThailandTom

From personal experience the two easiest teachings that came to me were impermanence and things being beyond out control. I feel that once you first understand this, then expand on that and impliment it into daily situations, you can gain insights into how it helps a whole lot. @Lookingformyway this too will pass. When things are going really well, that will change, when things are going really badly, that also will change.

Invincible_summer

How to deal with this issue;

I live in Canada after leaving the UK 5 years ago.

My grandparents from my dads side are alive and in there late 80's. They are like 2 turtle doves...they love each other so much it genuinly gives you the sense that true love is forever.

My mum called me today to let me know my nan is ill, with a lump in her stomach...the docs are leaning towards...the big C word, and at her age it could get bad quick.

Now...I can't help but see this as my first big mental challange on this new path I'm walking, and I'm not sure how to handle it or what I should do.

I know we are imperminent, but the selfish side of me doesn't want her to die yet, nor do I want her to pass without seeing her again, but I can't afford to fly out there...my wife has never met her which also upsets me... The unselfish side of me feels so much pain for the suffering my grandad will endure if this takes her....it will be like a swan losing his mate...

So far, all I have managed to achieve is to learn a mantra from the healing Buddha in the hope it will help her overcome, or help her be less scared, as well as the hope it will help my grandfarther...

I'm not sure what else I can, or should be doing as a journeying Buddhist at this time...?

You don't necessarily have to do anything particularly "Buddhist." The mantra may not even mean anything to your grandmother. It may comfort you, but just because it means something to you, I don't think it'd be wise to expect it to mean something to her.

But what I think you should do, as others have suggested, is just be with the family in whatever capacity you can - Skype, email, phone, etc - and listen when they need to talk, express your compassion and love for them, show them that you still care despite being across the pond.

I wouldn't try to push anything Buddhist on them, unless they are Buddhist themselves or ask about it. It's not about your spiritual beliefs, but theirs.


It's natural for us to not want our loved ones to die. But at the same time, it's important to realize that death is inevitable, that our bodies are fragile. It's easier to go along with the notion that we will die than to resist the very natural progression of life.

RichardH

My wife's parents live with us and our son... both are in their late eighties.. and both have been quite ill. One is very weak and confused and fading ..and they are both requiring more and more care.

Our son adores them... and there is the real possibility of a traumatic morning here any day... The Buddhist perspective? .. this is "the way it is" ..

also.. I am working to bring in money in a touchy business, my wife has just been thrown into the job market after 11 years.. our son needs all kinds of support..

It is all "the way it is" .. That doesn't offer any solution at all... and apart from practical things we have to do...and being present and open.. there is no solution..

That "no solution" is our practice... "it is like this"... that is on-point, and when we are on point..just simple and awake...there is a basic space that is indestructible. ..a kind of background "no problem".

Zero

My grandparents from my dads side are alive and in there late 80's.

They've had a good long life - they've borrowed well but it has to be given back one day - as with all of us.

They are like 2 turtle doves...they love each other so much it genuinly gives you the sense that true love is forever.
The unselfish side of me feels so much pain for the suffering my grandad will endure if this takes her....it will be like a swan losing his mate...

Are you sure it is your unselfish side considering this? You are aware that they love eachother deeply - should such a beautiful thing turn into a negative for you? do you consider perhaps that you are feeling pain for your own loss to come eventually? What purpose will your pain serve when the joy of the love was not your joy in the first place?

I can't help but see this as my first big mental challange on this new path I'm walking
I know we are imperminent, but the selfish side of me doesn't want her to die yet,

its a big one alright - the more you walk the bigger the challenges - you say you 'know' they are impermanent - what does 'know' mean to you - do you know something when you can see it before you or when it is joined with you - observing and knowing in my mind are different... you observe things are impermanent so with this knowldedge why torture yourself with your 'wants' when you know it will not change impermanence...

nor do I want her to pass without seeing her again, but I can't afford to fly out there...my wife has never met her which also upsets me...

address this in any way that you can and dont hold back - it is something that you may have influence over.

I'm not sure what else I can, or should be doing as a journeying Buddhist at this time...?

Take it easy on yourself - provide space to grieve - seek solace with your family and make the most of your time - take the intangible from their lesson and give form to the 'true love' in your life - diminish your regrets and suffering and find peace for you and all around you (perhaps even beyond)... good luck