How to transform emotions?

Invincible_summer

I've always had a problem with anger and resentment. I tend to get really worked up when I see things as unfair. I try to take out "my" view/preference from things to reduce the suffering it causes me, and it does help, but I always tend to slip back into it.

I've read something briefly by Chogyam Trungpa (I think) about transforming one's emotions in order to better serve others and live a more compassionate life. But I don't quite get it and was hoping someone could put it into practical terms for me.

Basically, how do I use my anger in a way that would basically turn it into loving-kindness or a focused mind?


Thanks

Jeffrey

http://www.chronicleproject.com/CTRlibrary/Message-of-Milarepa/talk1/publish_to_web/index.html

Here is a CTR resource if you want to explore more of his message.

vinlyn

I've always had a problem with anger and resentment. I tend to get really worked up when I see things as unfair. I try to take out "my" view/preference from things to reduce the suffering it causes me, and it does help, but I always tend to slip back into it.

I've read something briefly by Chogyam Trungpa (I think) about transforming one's emotions in order to better serve others and live a more compassionate life. But I don't quite get it and was hoping someone could put it into practical terms for me.

Basically, how do I use my anger in a way that would basically turn it into loving-kindness or a focused mind?


Thanks

It doesn't always work for me, but sometimes I can accomplish that by forcing myself to realize that the other person who is causing me to suffer is, perhaps, struggling to do the very best they can. Maybe they do not have within themselves the ability to do better.

taiyaki

Anger can be angery at anger.

patbb

perhaps contemplate the mechanical nature of the negative emotional reactions.

bring the idea up, here come the reaction, anger.
the idea hasn't been up in a little while, no reaction, no anger...

just our subconscious mind doing it's job, it recorded this reaction for us so we don't have to think about how we want to react whenever we are faced with a particular situation...

this usually help me.

But not so good when someone is overwhelmed by strong emotions.

Usually it is easier to deal with after someone cooled down a bit.
So first step would be to cool down after recognizing that strong feelings are present.
Going for a long walk, going shopping or eat dinner in a nice restaurant...

cooling down while keeping in mind the first part of this message can lead to creating a bit of space between us and our negative conditioned emotional reaction.

patbb

oh and if you like this, you can also contemplate all of the buttons you don't have.

you probably have friends who get upset (angry,sad,annoyed) by things that doesn't bother you.
(perhaps you have a friend who is afraid of dogs but you aren't, perhaps you know someone who is always boiling while waiting in line but it is almost like a treat for you, perhaps you know someone who is racist/homophobic, and boil with anger when he sees someone with a different skin color or gay, but you are not etc...)
why is that..?

only because everyone's brain get conditioned in a different way...

Jeffrey

When the clear mind perceives the emptiness of situations there are too rapid changes to analyze in some way. Yet clarity comes in times, the vivid edge of no resolution and too fast.

Seeing this edge where you can't keep up is a good sign. Emptiness isn't this placid lake all the time with reading a good book and warm sunshine on you. Sometimes it is life moving too rapidly to adjust to. Blink and it's on. And on. Here. There it went.

So this is how anger is not here. It is just blink speed moments. You can adjust the frames. In real time. Pause, breath. Nostrils, thought, thought. Ok I'm retarded, but the point is that in anger everything is moving too fast. It's emergency. Frames fast.

Recognize mind of seeing. Seeing each instant. Letting go of being settled. Moment too fast.

These are the words of Jeffrey in the afternoon of April 26. Looking out the cool window at trees waving in the freeze. Mind is speeding and waiting for a phone call. Chattering mind. But emptiness is the edge you get when everything is moving too fast. Waiting and no spot.

Tosh

Firstly, you have to understand that anger is not caused by external events, it's causes are OUR reactions to external events. In fact it's a spiritual axiom that every time we get disturbed over anything, it's OUR fault, internal, not external.

A good way to short circuit anger is - if we can catch it by being mindful before it takes over us - is to tell ourselves "This is my fault and nothing to do with the person we're angry at".

It will seem strange, it will seem like it really is the other person's fault that you're angry with, it'll cause some cognitive dissonance (I think that's the phrase), and the confusion will help you to remain in control and not further increase the anger. I remember being 'silenced' at this confusion. It really was strange. It really did feel like it was Mrs Tosh I was angry at, but I told myself it was 'my fault'; I was definitely confused (but in a useful way).

It's a practise though; which means you won't get it right all the time.

And, I think as a general measure, keep meditating. A lower internal barometer means that you're less likely to get annoyed at small things.

driedleaf

Nobody is safe from anger, but I believe if one practices not killing, not lying, not stealing, no sexual misconduct, and not intoxicating oneself, rarely should anger arise in that practice. If one of these unskillful actions still linger within us then it is likewise that it should also lead anger and bad emotions into our lives. Anger could arise at anytime, but when we practice skillful actions, that anger will not harm us or anyone else.

metta

ThailandTom

With anger I like remembering two of the well known teachings which I tend to keep in mind when I find anger arising within me. The first is about the hot coal, how anger is akind to a hot coal in the sense that the longer you hold onto it, the longer it is going to burn. Whoever you share this hot coal with will also get burnt in the process.

The other teaching is to imagine a pan of water on a stove, if the stove is turned off and you look onto the surface of the water, you see your reflection clearly and everything around you clearly. But if the stove is turned on and the water becomes hot and then boils, you can no longer see clearly. It is the same with anger, when we start to boil, we see things with a wrong view and make wrong decisions. These two teachings alone help me to shut up when I am angry and watch the emotion come and fade, most of the time

Invincible_summer

Wow this thread got a lot of replies fast! I won't attempt to address each one ATM, but thanks everyone for your help!

It doesn't always work for me, but sometimes I can accomplish that by forcing myself to realize that the other person who is causing me to suffer is, perhaps, struggling to do the very best they can. Maybe they do not have within themselves the ability to do better.

I know what you're trying to say @vinlyn, but how can one avoid the slippery slope of pitying the other person?

Firstly, you have to understand that anger is not caused by external events, it's causes are OUR reactions to external events. In fact it's a spiritual axiom that every time we get disturbed over anything, it's OUR fault, internal, not external.

A good way to short circuit anger is - if we can catch it by being mindful before it takes over us - is to tell ourselves "This is my fault and nothing to do with the person we're angry at".

It will seem strange, it will seem like it really is the other person's fault that you're angry with, it'll cause some cognitive dissonance (I think that's the phrase), and the confusion will help you to remain in control and not further increase the anger. I remember being 'silenced' at this confusion. It really was strange. It really did feel like it was Mrs Tosh I was angry at, but I told myself it was 'my fault'; I was definitely confused (but in a useful way).

It's a practise though; which means you won't get it right all the time.

And, I think as a general measure, keep meditating. A lower internal barometer means that you're less likely to get annoyed at small things.

Thanks, @Tosh. What you say makes sense. Have you ever felt like you were "beating yourself up" with that mindset though?

Tosh

@Invincible; No, I've never beat myself up about that mindset; and besides, it's not a mindset, it's reality. If we become disturbed, it's OUR fault. It's a good point for discussion if you wish; the reasons for this are logical and rational.

You know, I'm a natural cynic, and I reduce arguments to absurdity, so I once asked a monk, "What if I was beaten up and mugged, of course I'm going to be disturbed by that!"

He answered, quite logically, how if I became disturbed, it was still my fault. Basically, my emotions and the way I feel are my responsibility.

When I throw a stick for my dog, he has no choice, he must chase it; and we can be like that over how we react to situations. So, rather than feel a 'victim' over how we feel, I think the mindset is more about 'manning up' and taking RESPONSIBILITY about how we feel; empowering ourselves. It's using the ego in the correct way. *Beats chest in a manly fashion* - "I am man enough to deal with my feelings and emotions in a positive way, motivated by the compassion of others".

However, in real life, I'm still very much a victim of them at times.

pegembara

I've always had a problem with anger and resentment. I tend to get really worked up when I see things as unfair. I try to take out "my" view/preference from things to reduce the suffering it causes me, and it does help, but I always tend to slip back into it.

Basically, how do I use my anger in a way that would basically turn it into loving-kindness or a focused mind?


Thanks

Living in the past is a cause for anger to persist. All the shoulds, could haves comes from reliving the experience. Anger from an experience happens once only unless one continue to re-engage the memory of the experience. By doing this you get hurt many times instead of only once.

You can still learn from the experience and not repeat your mistakes, since you can still hurt from another bad experience.

David

Alot of great advice here.

This is also something I am working on but it's getting easier and easier. I know we are to transform anger with compassion but I was always going about it the wrong way until fairly recently. If I was angry, then I'd call up compassion for who or what I felt anger towards. That helps temporarily and seems noble but it is misguided. What I was doing was pitting compassion against my anger because they were competing over the same focus.

What I've learned to do is call up compassion not to battle anger and thus create more conflict but to address anger itself. Instead of focusing compassion on the one to whom I feel anger, I focus it on anger. Part of why people adopt Buddhism is because they already have compassion for others. Our anger obscures or blocks that compassion but it cannot take away the power of that compassion.

Thich Nhat Hanh asks us to try treating our anger the same way Buddha treated Mara. Afterall, is it not the same? "Hello anger, my old friend... Why have you come to visit me? Let me understand you."

It works for me.

Zero

how do I use my anger in a way that would basically turn it into loving-kindness or a focused mind?

I'm not convinced that anger can be used in the way suggested - loving kindness and focused mind are apples and pears… think this may be stretching alchemy pretty far.

I think you have to deal with what anger is and reconcile that, then you will have to deal with what loving kindness is and reconcile that and yep – youre getting it on what I’d say on focused mind also.

This morning I was considering automatic / say emotional response vs intellectual response… sometimes its good to go with your heart and sometimes good to go with your head… how to know the difference? Does the heart really think without the head etc…

Perhaps this might assist you – the first circle seem to me to be heart out of control / head out of control… they feed into each other, asserting their right to your attention – there’s a delicious loop of misery and confusion…
The next step I think is heart out of control / head in control – here one recognises the true nature of the feedback loop from the body – in your case, anger has triggers and mechanism that can be broken down biologically at least (there are many ways to consider this issue other than biologically…)
Once the head is focused then the heart can be brought into control as it is understood - the response from the head no longer contradicts anything as true nature is understood, perceived and then lived moment by moment
…..
And here it stays in stasis… until youre ready to let go of control and let your heart free and drive your true nature – in this way, the head works with the heart to achieve your potential… then anger doesn’t have to change to anything – the head is focused, loving kindness is the only way and there is natural balance within and with the surroundings…

DairyLama

I try to take out "my" view/preference from things to reduce the suffering it causes me, and it does help, but I always tend to slip back into it.

There are different approaches, but I one I take is to be as mindful as possible of my feelings and begin to see how they arise. I think it's important to begin with compassion for oneself, which includes not being too judgemental about "negative" emotions.

DairyLama

Thich Nhat Hanh asks us to try treating our anger the same way Buddha treated Mara. Afterall, is it not the same? "Hello anger, my old friend... Why have you come to visit me? Let me understand you."

Yes, that sounds like a good approach. Perhaps talking about "transforming" emotions is a bit misleading, I think it's more like understanding the negative and developing the positive, eg through practices like metta bahavana and tonglen.

Cinorjer

I also have a problem with Rightous Anger.

My Zen Teacher told me first, don't try to eliminate your ability to feel the full range of emotions. See them for what they are and don't let them control you. In meditation you learn to recognize thoughts as they arise, examine them and then let them go. So I was taught to treat my anger the same way. Notice it, then let it go back to the emptiness it came from. Then get on with dealing with the immediate situation.

And when you notice your anger for not what you are but only an emotion you're feeling at the time, you notice the thoughts that trigger anger. The "should" statements. "He should not have said that about me. She should treat me better. They should not have left this mess for me to clean up. That idiot should not be driving so slow in front of me when I'm in a hurry."

DairyLama

See them for what they are and don't let them control you.

Yes, that's important - being able to see emotions as transient activity of the mind, not something that defines us.

David

Thich Nhat Hanh asks us to try treating our anger the same way Buddha treated Mara. Afterall, is it not the same? "Hello anger, my old friend... Why have you come to visit me? Let me understand you."

Yes, that sounds like a good approach. Perhaps talking about "transforming" emotions is a bit misleading, I think it's more like understanding the negative and developing the positive, eg through practices like metta bahavana and tonglen.

It sounds about right either way to me, my friend. As long as we aren't talking about destroying the negative.

Hey, now I got John Lennon in my head.

"Cuz, you know it's gonna be"

seeker242

The Buddha gives lots of instruction about this.

A. Nourishment of Ill-Will

There are objects causing aversion; frequently giving unwise attention to them — this is the nourishment for the arising of ill-will that has not yet arisen, and for the increase and strengthening of ill-will that has already arisen.

— SN 46:51

B. Denourishing of Ill-Will

There is the liberation of the heart by loving-kindness; frequently giving wise attention to it — this is the denourishing of the arising of ill-will that has not yet arisen, and the decrease and weakening of ill-will that has already arisen.

— SN 46:51

So giving attention to this anger/resentment causes it to persist and increase. Putting your attention off it and onto it's opposite (Metta), causes it to decrease and stop. So in practical terms, it depends on what thoughts you are directing your attention to. If you are giving attention to the thoughts "They did such a bad thing!", you aren't going to transform the anger, by thinking such things, you will feed it and make it stronger.

To transform anger, you just need to switch your focus of attention/thought to something like the below instead of the above.

Mettā is defined thus: Loving-Kindness has the mode of friendliness as characteristic.
Its natural function is to promote friendliness. It manifests as disappearance of ill-will.
Its source is seeing with kindness. When succeeding, then it eliminates all angry enmity. It can be practiced anywhere and at anytime, but ideally sitting cross-legged in a quiet secluded place and
then whole-heartedly wishing, first beaming it out in front, then to the right, then back,
then to the left and finally below and above in this very effective and exhaustive way:
May I be happy and free from suffering...
May I keep myself free from hostility, trouble and thereby live happily...
May I become happy in this way by repeated training of this excellent goodwill praxis...
Just as I want happiness, absence of pain, life and not death, so do all other beings!
Therefore: May all beings become thus happy...
May all breathing things become thus happy...
May all creatures become thus happy...
May all deities become thus happy...
May all human beings become thus happy...
May all who have form become thus happy...
May all the Noble and not Noble become thus happy...
May all those in the states of deprivation become thus happy...
By being freed from all enmity, distress & anxiety, may they thus guide themselves to bliss!

Here the Buddha is instructing his monks how to explain this to other people when they come asking:

"Monks, if you are asked by wanderers of other sects, 'Friends, there are these three qualities. Which three? Passion, aversion (Anger/Ill will/resentment), & delusion. These are the three qualities. Now what is the difference, what the distinction, what the distinguishing factor among these three qualities?' — when thus asked, how would you answer those wanderers of other sects?"

"[Then if they ask,] 'But what, friends, is the reason, what the cause, why unarisen aversion arises, or arisen aversion tends to growth & abundance?' 'The theme of irritation,' it should be said. 'For one who attends inappropriately to the theme of irritation, unarisen aversion arises and arisen aversion tends to growth & abundance...'

"[Then if they ask,] 'But what, friends, is the reason, what the cause, why unarisen aversion does not arise, or arisen aversion is abandoned?' 'Good will as an awareness-release,' it should be said. 'For one who attends appropriately to good will as an awareness-release, unarisen aversion does not arise and arisen aversion is abandoned...'
http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/an/an03/an03.068.than.html

He abused me(them), he beat me(them), he defeated me(them), he robbed me of my property. Whosoever harbor such thoughts will never be able to still their enmity (Anger).
Never indeed is hatred stilled by hatred; it will only be stilled by non-hatred — this is an eternal law.
— Dhammapada, v. 4-5

The Elimination of Anger
With two stories retold from the Buddhist texts
by
Ven. K. Piyatissa Thera
http://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/piyatissa/bl068.html

SN 46.51: Ahara Sutta — Food
The Buddha describes how we can either "feed" or "starve" the wholesome and unwholesome tendencies in the mind according to how we apply our attention.
http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/sn/sn46/sn46.051.than.html

The way to transform anger is to focus your mind and thoughts on what is appropriate. It requires skill in being able to focus your mind on what you want to focus it on and the skill comes just from practicing the re-direction of attention. Of course most everyone slips, but when you slip you just bring it back, just like you do when you are sitting on a cushion breath following and your attention goes off the breath. You bring it back. Then it will go away, then you bring it back and just keep practicing that.

misecmisc1

i always have this problem of getting angry too soon. well @invincible_summer thanks for raising this thread.

My understanding of Buddha's teachings says: anger should be considered as anger - just an emotion. it is not - 'i' am angry, but rather - there is the arising of an emotion anger. moreover, if we see things as they really are, then i think anger will not arise and then the question of how to control anger will automatically not arise.

DairyLama

The Buddha gives lots of instruction about this.

A. Nourishment of Ill-Will

There are objects causing aversion; frequently giving unwise attention to them — this is the nourishment for the arising of ill-will that has not yet arisen, and for the increase and strengthening of ill-will that has already arisen.
— SN 46:51

Good quote, and clearly dwelling on negative thoughts and emotions isn't constructive. But presumably this doesn't entail denying these thoughts and emotions?

David

The Buddha gives lots of instruction about this.

A. Nourishment of Ill-Will

There are objects causing aversion; frequently giving unwise attention to them — this is the nourishment for the arising of ill-will that has not yet arisen, and for the increase and strengthening of ill-will that has already arisen.
— SN 46:51

Good quote, and clearly dwelling on negative thoughts and emotions isn't constructive. But presumably this doesn't entail denying these thoughts and emotions?

The answer lies in the next verse;

B. Denourishing of Ill-Will

There is the liberation of the heart by loving-kindness; frequently giving wise attention to it — this is the denourishing of the arising of ill-will that has not yet arisen, and the decrease and weakening of ill-will that has already arisen.

— SN 46:51

The difference between unwise attention and wise attention is knowing that pandering to anger is not the same as trying to understand it.

DairyLama

The Buddha gives lots of instruction about this.

A. Nourishment of Ill-Will

There are objects causing aversion; frequently giving unwise attention to them — this is the nourishment for the arising of ill-will that has not yet arisen, and for the increase and strengthening of ill-will that has already arisen.
— SN 46:51

Good quote, and clearly dwelling on negative thoughts and emotions isn't constructive. But presumably this doesn't entail denying these thoughts and emotions?

The answer lies in the next verse;

B. Denourishing of Ill-Will

There is the liberation of the heart by loving-kindness; frequently giving wise attention to it — this is the denourishing of the arising of ill-will that has not yet arisen, and the decrease and weakening of ill-will that has already arisen.

— SN 46:51

The difference between unwise attention and wise attention is knowing that pandering to anger is not the same as trying to understand it.

I thought the second verse was about cultivating metta as an antidote to aversion?
But yes, the difference between wise and unwise attention is interesting - it presumably depends on maintaining mindfulness.

vinlyn

Wow this thread got a lot of replies fast! I won't attempt to address each one ATM, but thanks everyone for your help!

It doesn't always work for me, but sometimes I can accomplish that by forcing myself to realize that the other person who is causing me to suffer is, perhaps, struggling to do the very best they can. Maybe they do not have within themselves the ability to do better.

I know what you're trying to say @vinlyn, but how can one avoid the slippery slope of pitying the other person?

...

Interesting question. I guess I would see it more as having compassion for the other person. But now you've got me thinking about the difference between compassion and pity.

David

Wow this thread got a lot of replies fast! I won't attempt to address each one ATM, but thanks everyone for your help!

It doesn't always work for me, but sometimes I can accomplish that by forcing myself to realize that the other person who is causing me to suffer is, perhaps, struggling to do the very best they can. Maybe they do not have within themselves the ability to do better.

I know what you're trying to say @vinlyn, but how can one avoid the slippery slope of pitying the other person?

...

Interesting question. I guess I would see it more as having compassion for the other person. But now you've got me thinking about the difference between compassion and pity.

To me, the difference is one of common sense over emotion. Do we try to help ease somebody's suffering because we feel "sorry" for them or because they are a part of us in need of healing?

I don't feel sorry for my stomach when I'm hungry... I just eat something.

weighted

Metta meditation can help.

So can being in the emotion and dropping the story line. So not "Why am I angry or what caused me to be angry?" but exploring just the feeling of anger itself, being mindful of it and knowing that it will pass as all things/emotions do.

David

@Porpoise;

I thought the second verse was about cultivating metta as an antidote to aversion?

I don't understand the distinction... For how do we show loving kindness without trying to understand?

patbb

Interesting question. I guess I would see it more as having compassion for the other person. But now you've got me thinking about the difference between compassion and pity.

i think

compassion: understanding how someone's body (including mind) got to be the way it is. Nothing personal, just happened this way (his conditioning, his physicality, his karma etc...)
Not good or bad, it's just the way it is, it's just what we have to work with at this point in time.
so lets go!

pity: "awww poor thing. poor you. It must suck to feel this way."
There are sad, reactive feelings toward the situation involved (his financial situation, his conditioned mind situation, his physicality situation etc...)
Dwelling on those feelings.
there are actual physical vibrations in the body, sensations of sadness that we can deal with.