Surrounding Yourself With Whom and What?

HookahCaterpillar

i'm still a bit obsessed with the idea of adapting my environment to suit my practice better. however, this seems against to rub against a lot of what i hear. the person is thought always to be at the centre of any problem (e.g. controlling anger). i agree with this, but if we can make our environment more peaceful, conducive to concentration, and cultivating a compassionate mind-heart isnt this not something to work towards (and not to be diminished)?

Its like with people. My one friend throws me off practice often with his behaviour. yesterday, i decided: i'm going to stop this interaction. however, my other friend feels i'm being too harsh/sensitive. But why not stop the interaction? The only reason i can think is to practice patience and focus and control...

zombiegirl

I'm dealing with the same problem right now. The desire to move yourself into a more positive group, surrounding yourself with like-minded kind individuals... is not always so easy. You cannot change people, and yet, how can you simply tell someone that you don't think they're good for you as a friend?

But regarding your situation, I don't think I could say whether or not you're being too harsh without knowing specifics. I blabbered for a while about my issues with my friend in another thread and received the advice that it would be good to cut ties. But I guess for you, only you can determine whether or not his behavior warrants this reaction. Of course, your friend who says you are too harsh cannot really know what your interactions are like. They might have different experiences with your mutual friend, they might not have known them as long, they might simply be more excusing of their behavior, etc... I think it's important to take others' perspectives into consideration, but you are ultimately the one who knows best.

taiyaki

at the end of the day nothing needs to change.
not yourself or other people.
accepting this or rejecting this.
either way there is change.

change change change.

zombiegirl

But also...

Should a seeker not find a companion
who is better or equal,
let him resolutely pursue a solitary course;
there is no fellowship with the fool.

-The Dhammapada

Invincible_summer

I don't know if you necessarily have to remove people from your life. If you choose to live a certain way, then everything should follow, no? People who disagree with you will eventually leave, people who like you will stay, etc.

HookahCaterpillar

- i dont feel this is about change, but about action.

- that dhammapada quote is something also that haunts/inspires me. this friend i think will either stay in my life or not depending on how i react. i have the choice to continue to try to be loving and patient, or accept that hes just too good (for now at least?) at throwing me off.

person

Sometimes you can't change your circumstances, you can only control your reaction and sometimes you can.

Tosh

@Person, that prayer is said at the end of every A.A. meeting in the UK.

driedleaf

If the person is a good person they will realize how you feel about them and make a good choice. If they are too ignorant to notice how you feel, then they are more selfish than caring.

shays860

Dunno... it can be very hard to find people that are not devastating to the pursuit of a non christian spiritual path in America in my experience... Though I am from Alabama, maybe it's not so bad in other places. How does this friend "throw you off" exactly?

DairyLama

From the Sigalovada Sutta:

"The friend who is all take,
The friend of empty words,
The friend full of flattery,
And the reckless friend;

These four are not friends, but enemies;
The wise understand this
And keep them at a distance
As they would a dangerous path."

andyrobyn

Whilst we are quoting, this from " The Way It Is " Ajahn Sumedho came to my mind ....


To practice,we must start exactly where we are.
Of course, we can always imagine perfect conditions, how it should be ideally, how everyone else should behave.
But it is not our task to create an ideal.
It is our task to see how it is and to learn from the world as it is.
For the awakening of the heart, conditions are always good enough

DairyLama

From the Upaddha Sutta:

"This is half of the holy life, lord: admirable friendship, admirable companionship, admirable camaraderie.
Don't say that, Ananda. Don't say that. Admirable friendship, admirable companionship, admirable camaraderie is actually the whole of the holy life. When a monk has admirable people as friends, companions, & comrades, he can be expected to develop & pursue the noble eightfold path."

andyrobyn

Yes, we can choose our friends .... and be compassionate to all we know.

HookahCaterpillar

These are all beautiful quotes thanks

But I would be tempted to disagree that it is not our task to create an ideal, and that to accept the conditions as good enough. I just read the Dalai lama talkin about how everyone has the reponsibilty to guide our global family in the right direction and hes the man.

DairyLama

Whilst we are quoting, this from " The Way It Is " Ajahn Sumedho came to my mind ....

Of course, we can always imagine perfect conditions, how it should be ideally, how everyone else should behave.
But it is not our task to create an ideal.

I admire Ajahn Sumedho but feel there is a certain irony with this quote, given his lifelong commitment to monastic life, the purpose of which seems to be creating ideal conditions for practice.

zombiegirl

From the Sigalovada Sutta:

"The friend who is all take,
The friend of empty words,
The friend full of flattery,
And the reckless friend;

These four are not friends, but enemies;
The wise understand this
And keep them at a distance
As they would a dangerous path."

I like this quote because, in regards to my own issue with this, I've been wondering what it would look like to disentangle myself with my friend. The best case scenario in my book, is a gradual "falling out", hopefully mutual. I don't wish to not be friends with him, but 'keeping him at a distance' sounds good to me.

wmw111

If we feel we will be dragged down by others and they take us away form the path or make us feel more despondent or feel discourage to practice further. So could go away from such negative influences for a while and when we are more grounded we can meet them again and then perhaps we can influence them positively instead of the other way around.

Tosh

There's a common phrase (which I don't really like) which I've heard recovered alkies in A.A. use. Now A.A. is a spiritual program of recovery, and it's a spiritual path (wide open and roomy) of it's own accord.

...This is the phrase they use: "When I came to A.A. I had to change the people, places, and playgrounds I used!", meaning they had to change friends, change the places they went to, and changed the way they had fun.

I guess no-one can tell you what that exactly means, but we generally have a good idea of the people, places, and playgrounds which aren't good for us.

I even had to get rid of my old facebook profile; I had too many ex soldier friends trying to get me to go to reunions; and you can bet they'd have tried to get me to drink. I can handle that stuff now, but back when I deleted my facebook profile, I don't think I could've. Or I had ex girlfriends on there and... well you know!

I think there's no hard 'n' fast rules and much depends on the individual and their level of spirituality.

andyrobyn

Whilst we are quoting, this from " The Way It Is " Ajahn Sumedho came to my mind ....

Of course, we can always imagine perfect conditions, how it should be ideally, how everyone else should behave.
But it is not our task to create an ideal.

I admire Ajahn Sumedho but feel there is a certain irony with this quote, given his lifelong commitment to monastic life, the purpose of which seems to be creating ideal conditions for practice.

There is another perspective from which to understand Ajahn Sumedho's statement ; in the sentiment of what I know referred to as the Serenity Prayer which has been quoted earlier in this discussion by person ... serenity to accept the things we cannot change
( the imperfect world we live in ), courage to change what we can ( ordaining to be a monk as Ajahn Sumdeho did as he felt this was right for him), wisdom to know the difference ( the less than ideal conditions he would have certainly experienced at times after his ordination).
It is about our intention and our focus - and having the courage to follow through with our decisions with integrity and acceptance rather than seeking ideal conditions.