Friendship is rare

Fenix

I was provoked into thought by the inquiry of my mother on whatever I was sad I had no friends. Anyhow, now I think that we are (most of us) all just as lonely, as me for example. Do not let the sombre note of this post fool you I am not seeking sympathy, how could I? Now there is such things (maybe) I believe, although belief is a bit of a taboo, especially here I think yes, as friendship, however rare. That said. People are all lonely and alas, they think they are not cause they have people around them. This is a trick since everyone is subtly "using" each other and call that comadreship.

"I'll let you use me If I can use you, but we mus'nt ever talk about it, lest we would realize our shortcomings and be deprived our false security, however precarious"

Do you understand what I mean?

vinlyn

I think there are different levels of relationships. One category, for me, are the true friends, and they are few and far between. Then there are the casual friends...most of the people I associate with.

zombiegirl

Lol, I hardly think that my friends and I are subtly using each other (at least, talking about the good ones, lol). I would say that friendship should be a mutual give and take, but I wouldn't call that "using".

I'm actually a very solitary person. I would be perfectly fine with little to no friends... but even so... the few people I consider "good" friends, the ones that have someone stuck around for years, I know that they enrich my life. For some that I have known for years, I have genuine love, not romantic of course... but the type where I wish for their well being and have a desire to help them should the need arise. Would you call this "using someone"?

Fenix

@zombiegirl No, I would call it, and now that we are in a spiritual context, Maya aka illusion (someones going to point out now that it means nothing of the sort, have be it!)

RichardH

Friends have become more important to me over time. I used to be a loner and had a streak of misanthropy. It was not about enjoying aloneness, it was about estrangement and social anxiety... fear of attachment. A Buddhist lifestyle can be a convenient cover for a fear of attachment... even ennobling it. ..but it is just a trick, a cover.


Sangha is friendship. When my son was born our sangha did a collection among the membership to buy us a new rocker.. That is community based on shared values..
The most un-lonely thing is, strangely enough, sitting in silence for a weekend with others...sharing meals in silence..waking up early together in silence.


Having a life partner.. a buddy... a friend, and a busy household, puts an end to loneliness... but if there are marital problems I suppose it could be the loneliest thing in the world.

Fenix

yes and there you are exceptionally right @richardH , nice name btw

federica

I still like the amusing saying:
A good friend will help you move house.
A REALLY good friend will help you move the body.....

There is an exceptionally good example of true friendship in action....
Two very important people in my life - but who live overseas - are renovating an old house, and so many of their friends are offering their professional services - for nothing - to help them turn what is potentially a wreck - into a most wonderful place to live.
Nobody has asked for, or sought any payment - but by simple virtue of the fact that they all have a common interest, the friendship has proven overwhelming.
It's a little like an Amish community coming together to build one man's barn.... all the friends and neighbours join in, and they make a party of it, a social gathering, a 'communion' if you will, of like-minded individuals working all together "for the good of the one".

This is what community dwelling should be like.
This is what true friendship is.

Zero

@fenix - echoes of Kant's social unsociability

Fenix

@zero ok I'll have to take your word on that

Zero

You dont have to!

Read up on Immanuel Kant's universal history from a cosmopolitan point of view - there are some summary thesis there - not sure if this also features in his critique of reason or whether the term 'social unsociability' was coined in his shorter work - it was around the revision of his magnum opus so the ideas may have crept in... this is later mathematically reworked by Professor John Nash in his game theory and then spread throughout evolutionary biology where zero sum and non-zero sum games are utilised to model evolutionary scenarios... there are a number books on the subject which explore cooperative and competitive relationships...

DairyLama

This is what true friendship is.

I wonder though if by having ideas about what a "true" friendship should be like, we can set up unrealistic expectations?

federica

Yes - we set up baggage.
we add all manner of conditions and agendas, and have certain expectations form people that if they do not fulfil our desires - we feel let down.
The secret is to give everything and expect nothing - but don't be a doormat-pushover.

DaltheJigsaw

I don't really have any friends either. It is definitely rare to have and keep a friend. Especially in a society like we are living in.

Fenix

@zero well what I read it seems like it's a yin & yan type of thing, although I am despondent to use this analogy since it feels so cliche.

Zero

Its along the lines of the OP - relationships are governed by 2 types of 'game' - cooperative (where fortunes of the players and linked) and competitive (where one or some parties must lose in order for others to win)... thus relationships can be distilled down to phases where there is cooperative pressure and competitive pressure and resulting coop or compete action and results - by realigning one's expectations, disappointment as a result of the effects is avoided or one step further, by taking away the fruits or equalising the effects the pressure is removed - either way without disappointment and / or pressure, 'friendships' are a lighter load.

sndymorn

The song "The book Of Love," By Stephen Merrit is interesting exploration of this topic.