How to be nice

lildragonflies

Hello,
New to the path, new to the site. I'm learning a lot through some good books a friend gave me and through reading some of these articles and discussions. There are some concepts that are more difficult for me but since I'm just beginning this is no surprise. Lately I've been struggling with "right speech" Especially dealing with someone that I truly cannot stand. I realize that I need to open my heart more to begin to understand that she suffers like everyone else but trying to be compassionate to her is for now escaping me. In fact trying to be nice at all in her direction is difficult. So for now I have decided to refrain from speaking to or about her. but I can't avoid it forever. After that I'm at a loss. Any advice?

taiyaki

If you can't refrain from harm then avoid her like a storm.

Then go to he meditation cushion and work on loving kindness meditation for her and yourself.

Then try interaction once you feel confident that reaction and outbursts won't happen.

If you fail then back to the cushion.

If you pass then go back to the cushion.


And btw no one said you had to be nice.

driedleaf

If you need to speak, just speak. If you feel what you say might cause something else to occur, then think about it first. It would only be bad if we had done something or said something that we regretted.

Sabre

Hi!

To deal with certain persons can be the hardest thing. It's not easy and learning how to behave in such situations can be a life's work. So don't expect a piece of advice that will make you do a 180 degree shift. It'll be a slow process, including the entire Buddhist path that even some of the most senior practitioners can still have problems with.

One thing I find useful is to regard to the person as a person AND their behavior/character (that I find annoying), not as one thing. Just like I am not my anger, anger is just a temporal emotion that passes by. This happens in everybody. Some people get stuck in certain mindstates for a long time, maybe even for life, but in the end they are just mindstates. So exactly what do I find annoying?..

You say you are new to the path, so let me explain further that this above is what is called non-self. The mindstates are not the person him or herself.

And that's what makes it possible to have compassion for everybody, even the most annoying, angry or brutal people. We don't have compassion for their actions or behavior, but for what's underneath.

Kindness!
Sabre

genkaku

The kindest thing any one person can do for another is just to be yourself. Of course, this is trickier than it sounds since it requires knowing which precise "yourself" is appropriate and honest.

If you're unsure of the answer, well, just be yourself and the answer will come to you at some point.

lildragonflies

Thank you all for the input. I'd like to respond to a little in each. And then go back to te cushion...
I can Iefrain from harming her but when she comes up in conversation it turns into an argument between my husband and me and that harms us. Avoidance is not possible. Long story short she is the mother of my step son. She and her mother have done everything they can to sabotage the relationship between my husband and his son. This includes interfering with visitation time and wrongly transfering custody. Top it off she's a recovering heroine junkie. So really? having compassion doesn't encompass being nice? (And by nice I mean hospitable and not verbally nasty when I am forced by circumstance to be in her presence)...
I don't regret speaking up when I want to speak but I don't want to argue with my husband over it evry time. I do regret that. So I have been trying not to speak about it. Even when he needs to speak to me about it.
I don't expect any one piece of advice to be the miracle pill. But I hope it will point me in the right direction. Thinking about the non self will help. I have to remember that she is after all only human.
To be myself is a tricky question. What I really want is for us to have a civil relationship with her. That's what's best for my husband and my step son. But that won't happen while she keeps making these horrifyingly bad decisions and letting her mom come between them.

Thanks for the advise. I'll go think about what you all have said. It was helpful. If you have anything else to add please feel free.
Namaste~

Sabre

Hi,

Maybe this can be of some help:


Metta!

karasti

We do a loving kindness meditation during our meetings. I find it to be helpful. First, imagine a time you truly felt love. Not a time when someone was trying to make you feel it, but you actually felt it. It'll probably be someone close to you. Send them good wishes, what I usually do is something along the lines of "May you be happy. May you be free from suffering and the causes of suffering. May you be at peace" Pay attention to how you feel about this. Now go to someone else, someone you maybe aren't as close to, but still like and care for, a friend, a relative, or whatever. Do the same tthin. Keep expanding it and you should feel love and compassion building. Then apply it to the people who are difficult, and finally to all beings.

I have found this to not only make me not want to strangle the people I have problems with, but it improves the relationship. Not only do I not want to strangle them, but I can see them and talk to them and have civil, normal conversations, and then let it go. I did it today with my uncle. Our family is having a difficult time with some things, and my uncle talks a lot, and really loudly about things that don't matter. I just said to myself (in my head but aimed at him) that may he be happy and free from suffering and at peace, and I don't know if it helped him, but my negative feelings about him and the situation dissipated immediately. It takes some practice but it does work. I do it at the end of every meditation.

Cloud

Empathy and meditation are what work for me. I try to put myself in their shoes, and try to break down the barriers of "me" and "them" that are clearly artificial mental constructs. More time and more effort equals greater patience and understanding; less frustration, anger and poor reactions.

Loving-Kindness meditation helps some people. I think it's also called Metta-Bhavana or something.

karasti

I do the same, with putting myself in someone's shoes, but sometimes you don't know them well enough to know what it means, to walk in their shoes. I have met difficult people where I didn't know enough about them to put myself in their position, but I needed to do something. Just clarifying what I meant.

Cloud

Or you can stop looking at them as people you think should "know better", and instead like animals that act differently for no discernible reason (but of course there are reasons). If one dog you pass while walking down the sidewalk is nice, but another dog barks at you, would you be angry with the second dog? People aren't dogs but our nature is the same, we're all going to be different depending on many factors including our individual experiences. You just have to shrug your shoulders and think "they're just like that, I shouldn't let it bother me".

vinlyn

Wow, Cloud, that's pretty ruff!

Cloud

ROFL (which is Scooby-Doo saying "Waffle" by the way).

pegembara

How to be nice?

Anger reflects. When you have no anger in your heart, anything that can cause anger will not stick. All there is is an unpleasant feeling arising and passing away.
To realise this requires mental cultivation.