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When did I become so fearful?
zombiegirl
beating the drum of the lifelessin a dry wasteland Veteran
Sometimes I just feel like growing up means adding fears/new things to be neurotic about to a long growing list.
I remember when I was younger, I used to pack myself a small lunch, gather together all of my kid survival gear (walking stick, compass, pocket knife, etc), and just take off into the woods... tramping around through spider webs and who knows what else for hours. Now, I go into the woods and have to put on my tall cowboy boots, tuck my jeans in to keep ticks away, spray myself down with mosquito repellent, grab a stick to make sure I'm not walking through any spider webs on my face... and sometimes I even bring pepper spray just in case of wild animals. Seriously. I was more courageous at 10. It's as if just being aware of risks (ticks, spiders, snakes, poison ivy, bears) has had a negative influence, even though the only thing I've ever had a bad encounter with on that list were spiders.
I used to roll in the grass or jump in piles of leaves... now, a pile of leaves might as well be a pile of spiders and bugs to me, because that's instantly what I imagine.
What happened...
I remember when I was younger, I used to pack myself a small lunch, gather together all of my kid survival gear (walking stick, compass, pocket knife, etc), and just take off into the woods... tramping around through spider webs and who knows what else for hours. Now, I go into the woods and have to put on my tall cowboy boots, tuck my jeans in to keep ticks away, spray myself down with mosquito repellent, grab a stick to make sure I'm not walking through any spider webs on my face... and sometimes I even bring pepper spray just in case of wild animals. Seriously. I was more courageous at 10. It's as if just being aware of risks (ticks, spiders, snakes, poison ivy, bears) has had a negative influence, even though the only thing I've ever had a bad encounter with on that list were spiders.
I used to roll in the grass or jump in piles of leaves... now, a pile of leaves might as well be a pile of spiders and bugs to me, because that's instantly what I imagine.
What happened...
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Comments
But life is risky and uncertain, and being more aware of that through Buddhist practice can be quite uncomfortable at times.
... more aware of the varying ways in which you might lose what you imagine you could keep.
The media loves to sensationalize and capitalize on stories that bring intense, mostly negative, emotions. I worked in the media briefly, specifically national news, and got to see it for myself.
We actually ended up canceling cable!
I do worry that I'm just allowing myself to fall into ignorance, but the media can actually be so unreliable that you're often not any more wise or informed for paying attention to it, you just feel more scared.
And it's true, the world is no more scary than it was, it's just that we now have more ways to access the stories that scare us. And you're more likely to hear a story that scares you.
It's part of the reason "cyberchondria" is really becoming a thing. People don't write stories about how their amazing doctor helped them beat cancer, or how their illness was caught in time and didn't lead to something worse. You only get to hear about the far more rare occasions that doctors missed something or something went wrong.
There are probably more stories of success than failure, but the media recognizes that the population in general isn't interested in hearing about that and they capitalize on it.
As for bugs and stuff... I used to not care either, but now I hate visiting the countryside. Because there are so many freakin bugs! I can't stand them! I don't like anything about them. Even if I know they can't harm me, I don't want them near me. I run away from butterflies for goodness sake. I don't know why I do it, it's not like they're wasps that actually want to hurt you but they just freak me out so bad.
I tried sitting on a bench the other day but there was a bug on it so I went home.
I have absolutely no idea why I'm like that, I didn't care a few years ago... It could be partly social conditioning. Women always freak out at spiders on TV and the man has to come with his cup and his piece of paper and save the day. Women are supposed to be the weaker sex and maybe it's playing up to that role a little bit, but that's the only idea I've got and I can't see it being the whole reason.
Ah yes, the media... tell me about it. I can't even watch that show, "Mystery Diagnosis".. it throws me all into a tizzy. Not just because it showcases rare and odd medical issues, but mostly because there's always the, "I went to my doctor and he diagnosed me as _____ but that wasn't it at all!" I have noticed now that my brain instantly jumps to the worst possible conclusion now.
My sister posted this on my facebook for a good reason:
But just talking about the news, ugh. I grew up in the country, but now live in Detroit. I honestly cannot even watch the news. I end up feeling like I've moved into the Wild Wild West because such horrible things happen here! Nevermind that in the 3-4 or so years I've lived here, the worst thing that has happened was getting my car broken into (in a rich suburb, of all places). You'd think experience would trump the likelihood of the horrible incidents taking place on TV from happening to me... but nope.
Like others have pointed out, I'm sure that the fact that I've spent the last however many years in an urban setting have contributed to my unfamiliarity with the woods. But it's funny, I have noticed like @karasti that seeing signs of humans in the woods make me more scared than seeing bear droppings, haha. I couldn't tell you how many horror movies are based upon "lone girl in the woods encounters rednecks..." haha. But then again, that has never happened to me either and in all likelihood, beer cans are more likely to be left over from someone camping/fishing than a crazy gang of psychotic killers...
But as usual, you can always go too far the other way, and protect yourself from every remote possible risk out there. Well, that's called paranoia. It's a fine line, a tight-rope; the middle path!
may fearlessness in the moment arise
[/mantra]
When I was a kid, there was a big tree surrounded by a clearing that I would always make my way to. The branches were low hanging and it created somewhat of a shaded shelter, so this was always my pretend home in the forest. I would always gather food, edible plants, nuts, and berries that my grandmother had taught me about, and pretend that I really was living sustainably in the woods. As a kid, I always dreamed of growing up to be an adventurer living in the rainforest (or a pirate) but now that I've seen so many documentaries as an adult, I'm like, "Uhhh, hell no." Haha.
Like @JohnG talks about though, I do miss my imagination a bit. But I do still find a lot of wonder in nature.