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Painful Memories and feelings
PremaSagar
Veteran
Occasionally I remember an awkward moment from the past or something that was particularly unpleasant for me. Like for example a fight I had with a relative or a moment where I embarrassed myself. The feelings of shame,anger, and sadness associated with these memories recur when I happen to encounter them every once in a while while reminiscing on the past. How do I handle these memories in a way that will deplete the suffering associated with them ?. I guess those feelings might be there as a reminder of what to avoid I suppose. Perhaps if I don't remember the pain that I cause myself and others when I err and choose to what is wrong (such as gossiping) I may just end up doing those things again. And when those feelings of shame or discomfort come along all I want is for them to go away..I want those painful feelings to just disappear permanently.
...Well what are your thoughts on dealing with unpleasant memories and the feelings associated with them ? How did you resolve your issues with the past ?
Much Metta- PremaSagar
...Well what are your thoughts on dealing with unpleasant memories and the feelings associated with them ? How did you resolve your issues with the past ?
Much Metta- PremaSagar
0
Comments
That’s meditation imho. Facing what is here, facing who we are, not going anywhere.
A.A. has a spiritual program of recovery called the 12 Steps, and part of it looks at our past by investigating (on paper) our resentments, harms we've done to others, those we've harmed by our use of sex, and fears. We write an inventory of each of those said topics and discuss them with another human being. It's a simple process, but it's not easy.
While I discussed them, the guy I spoke to (my A.A. mentor called a 'sponsor') wrote a list of names and organisations that I had harmed. And, if it would not cause further harm to others (I am not 'others'); I had to make amends to these people/organisations I'd harmed.
Sometimes it was a case of paying money I owed, other times it was a case of finding someone to have a long long talk. My toughest amend was to my Mother; she'd disowned me and we hadn't spoken for 9 years. Now we speak regularly and have more of a Mother/Son relationship. This process is a lot like 'Giving Victory to our Enemies' (lojong training); but I think A.A. does it better than Buddhism. I think A.A. are the 'experts' in this area - we get enough practise!
I think what also helps me greatly is the practise of compassion for others. In A.A. it's kinda indoctrinated into us that we must help other suffering alcoholics, if we wish to remain sober ourselves, and I think what happens is, we arrive new to A.A. with a self concept that contains a lot of guilt and self centred fear - and during the course of the 12 Steps, we try our best to sort out our past and then practise compassion for others - and during this process our concept of self changes from the guilt and self centred one, to a new concept that thinks, "Hey, I'm not such a rotten person after all; I have a heart and I care for people!"
There's a lot of freedom in the practise of compassion.
that sounds impossible to me at the moment. makes me exhausted thinking about how far i have to go and how much i have to learn......!! Ohhhhh......!!!!
X
One thing though, as someone who is still relatively new to Buddhism, I remember feeling quite confused about all the strange sounding terms and different Buddhist sects; so I read quite a few books and still was confused.
So then I enrolled on a two year foundation course, which was pretty good, and it covered the Four Noble Truths, The Two Truths, Buddhist Psychology, Emptiness, Boddhichitta, and An introduction to Tantric paths.
I just did the first three modules; so completed a year of the course.
But I think with Buddhism, it's very easy to get bogged down into the intellectual side of things; for example we studied the Two Truths from the point of view of four different schools of Buddhism, and do you know what? I'm no happier for it - I can't say I can apply that stuff to my everyday life.
The three trainings are an ethical life, developing compassion and wisdom. Wisdom we develop by meditation. So, the basic path is to live ethically, be kind, and meditate. We don't all have to be Madyamika scholars, I don't think.
I quite like this book too:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/No-Self-Problem-Anam-Thubten/dp/1559393262/ref=sr_1_cc_2?s=aps&ie=UTF8&qid=1342903676&sr=1-2-catcorr
It's cheap as chips and the author says that we as humans like to over complicate everything, because it seems to us that the more difficult and complex something is, the more we'll benefit from it. But that's not always true. It's a good book.
All of these answers seemed helpful
Meditation has the potential to eventually reveal every event that you ever clung to or rejected. Meditation is just the opportunity to allow each of those entanglements( the remnants of the clinging or rejecting) to be revisited and accepted just as they are.
If you initiate or re initiate a craving (clinging or avoiding) to anything (like a memory), then suffering results. If you can open up to and fully accept the unfolding of that memory, then that suffering stops.
In reality though, often we can only accept some portion of the memory event. Some portion of our suffering will then diminish but that memory will probably continue to resurface as you become capable of accepting more of it.
The difficult thing to remember is that just our lack of acceptance of suffering, creates more suffering!
If you see this as bad Karma, then you are getting the opportunity to creat the opposit. You have see the screw ups, now learn and teach as an example, not through rhetoric. :om:
Maybe think of it like this, if you feel someone has gossiped about you, don't try and find out who, why, when, see it for what it is "Karma". Oh that's my Karma for my own past gossiping, great that's one bad karma gone from my life, doing this also gives you compassion for the person who gossiped about you, because you know they have bad Karma coming to them at some point in there life, And no one should ever wish bad Karma on anyone..
Anyway this is the way I try and deal with situations in my life, and so far so good
Go for it, definitely.
I think being respected, safe and supported is essential if we are to explore painful memories and feelings with others and change our behaviour.
As others have said, you must let go.
Our meditation is our practice. When a thought or feeling arises (good, bad or neutral) we let it go and return attention.
Sometimes our attachment to our pain and suffering is strong. As a result hurt feelings and other negative self delusional thoughts from specific past experiences will arise again and again. When this happens, to accomplish this letting go, you need to meet it with a more powerful force. Forgiveness.
Be aware, and everytime this reoccurring memory arises you must actively forgive. At first this will be challenging. With repetition it will become easy and will no longer be an attachment and source of suffering. The memory may still come up from time to time, but just like any other thought that arises. No big deal.
Best Wishes