Telling friends and family about buddhism and my beliefs

Bunks

Hi all

I am sure other people will have posted about this and there has probably been discussions but I am relatively new here so bear with me...

I discovered the dhamma about a year ago and think it's great!

I have grown up in a completely athiest (pretty much anti religious) environment (both friends and family) and am married to someone who is also quite anti religion.

I don't yet feel comfortable being as open about the fact that I am starting to open to the dhamma as I'd like to be. I know I shouldn't be ashamed about my beliefs (I actually am still not 100% sure what my beliefs are!) but I'd be interested to hear what other people's experiences have been to opening up to friends and family?

I wrote down a quote from a podcast I was listening to a little while ago that was "A person who has entered the stream is no longer dependent upon the view of others" - sums it up really!

JohnG

I suggest that although you are heart and soul of the Dharma; in view of your family, just ease into it. :om:

Bunks

I suggest that although you are heart and soul of the Dharma; in view of your family, just ease into it. :om:

Cheers John!!

mindatrisk

To allow you to learn from my mistakes... I would (now) let my example doing the talking. If you practice the dharma then you will grow and change - and in very noticeable ways, in time. So simply focus on that and when your family begins to notice and comment on how you are more patient, kinder, slower to get angry, more peaceful etc. then you have the perfect opportunity to share your new beliefs and be taken seriously. To share now could lead to negative feedback and upset and disillusionment for you. So, for now, focus on growing and becoming a better and better version of you, and let your kindness and love doing the talking, because that will be heard.

caz

Hi Bunks

It does not really matter what friends or family think, What matters is that you use the Dharma to transform you mind and actions accordingly tell them when you are ready when you are sure what your Beliefs and practice are

OneLifeForm

I grew up in zero spirituality back ground and am very grateful for it.

There was no converting from one thing to another, it was simply that I came across Budddhism in this life when I did and it clicked with me

Anyways as a regard to my mother brother and father I couldn't care less what they think about all of that and they really arent close minded to that sort of stuff either, it just isn't a big deal to any of us.

As far as my mom's parents go, I think they had a bit of difficulty at first with accepting it.
I never talked about it or anything but they realized that is the path I follow.

Through interacting with me more and more I think they have developed somewhat of an appreciation for Buddhism as they see that I'm still their grandson.. not an axe murderer or anything

It doesn't have to be something you bring up to them though, if they ask then you could tell them.

As far as your spouse goes, I would tell them. Such things should be shared within such a relationship. That is just my opinion, I don't think secretive behavior bodes well for relationships.

Take care

genkaku

@Bunks -- Take your time. Over the long haul, everyone's weird ... which means that in reality there are no real weirdos.

I don't know anyone who took up a Buddhist practice who didn't have a case of the weirds when they started out. But the weirdness relates to our own tender uncertainties about Buddhism, not to Buddhism itself. What allays these uncertainties is practice.

Bit by bit, with practice, there is a conviction that grows based not on belief or opinion, but on experience. And as that conviction grows, there is less discomfort when others say, implicitly or explicitly, that we have gone off the rails.

I once went out to dinner with a woman who knew nothing about Buddhism. So I told her a little of my experience. And when I said the group I was part of sometimes chanted, she asked me to give an example. So I chanted The Heart Sutra in Japanese. When I finished, she looked at me and said, "It sounds like a Chinese restaurant menu." And as I thought about it, I realized she was right... but that didn't lessen my appreciation for or of the chant.

We'd all like supportive words and encouragements when setting out on a new venture. Sometimes we get them. Sometimes we don't. Take your time. Take whatever lumps you need to ... just keep on practicing.

karasti

I don't think you have any obligation to "come out of the closet" on religion unless you really want to. I also think you should be careful in how, when and to whom you choose to share with. I personally am a very private person, and I don't hide but I also don't feel it necessary to tell everyone what I am, in any sense. When the right opportunity presents, I share things. But I never had a type of conversation of "Guess what? I'm Buddhist!" because it just wasn't necessary. The only thing to be cautious of, is people generally don't like change. You might find some resistance from people close to you because they are worried you are going to change. I agree with @mindatrisk about just practicing and letting the positive qualities show, and then share as the opportunity arises.

I also agree about being honest with your spouse. You don't have to try to teach her, just when a good time arises, mention you have been reading some about Buddhism and what you find interesting about it. I do this with my husband, and it works well but he's a quite open-minded individual who doesn't fall into fear that I'm going to change. A lot of people fear change in those they love. I don't try to convince him, or convert him, I just share what i learn from a book, or here, or at Sangha meetings and retreats and leave it at that.

vinlyn

Hi Bunks

It does not really matter what friends or family think, What matters is that you use the Dharma to transform you mind and actions accordingly tell them when you are ready when you are sure what your Beliefs and practice are

For most people, it does matter what friends and family think. We have seen that on this forum time and again. Family -- sometimes for the good, sometimes for the negative -- are people we have spent decades with and who have, to some extent, provided our support group in life. We have spent less time with our friends than with family, but they too are part of our support group.

One important question when we transition into aligning with Buddhism is how our support group will react. How will they change their degree of support, and that definitely (and quite naturally) affects us. It is likely we will have to modify our behvaior, and perhaps our whole support group.

Just my take on it.

vinlyn

I don't think you have any obligation to "come out of the closet" on religion unless you really want to. I also think you should be careful in how, when and to whom you choose to share with. I personally am a very private person, and I don't hide but I also don't feel it necessary to tell everyone what I am, in any sense. When the right opportunity presents, I share things. But I never had a type of conversation of "Guess what? I'm Buddhist!" because it just wasn't necessary. The only thing to be cautious of, is people generally don't like change. You might find some resistance from people close to you because they are worried you are going to change. I agree with @mindatrisk about just practicing and letting the positive qualities show, and then share as the opportunity arises.

I also agree about being honest with your spouse. You don't have to try to teach her, just when a good time arises, mention you have been reading some about Buddhism and what you find interesting about it. I do this with my husband, and it works well but he's a quite open-minded individual who doesn't fall into fear that I'm going to change. A lot of people fear change in those they love. I don't try to convince him, or convert him, I just share what i learn from a book, or here, or at Sangha meetings and retreats and leave it at that.

Perfect advice!

how

A Buddhist practise is about the endless sloughing off our attachments. It's a learning process for all. It changes how you experience everything, in a world that works very hard at maintaining the status quo.
I have found though that nearly everyone wishes to feel seen and heard. If your Buddhist practise allows you to do this then this action can be the least threatening way of showing them what your beliefs & practise is.
Remember that attachments and identities around family and friends are some of our most strongest and longest lasting and that this is a two way street for everyone.

Remain mindful that a description of your Buddhist practise (especially those who you are in a close relationship with) will easily be received as a direct rejection or threat to their own ego based values.
However, the demonstration of your practise which manifests compassion, empathy, love, sympathy, equanimity, tenderness, openness, insight, freedom etc... will provide a more palatable meal for all concerned.

This is always about trying not to feed our ego's, so its good to really know why you want to tell your friends & family about it, and how all ego's, yours & theirs, will be on the far side of your explanation.

Bunks

Thanks so much guys. All really good advice that has made me feel more comfortable. Just for the record, my wife does know about my Buddhism. She was a little freaked at first but I think she realizes now I am not going to run off and become a monk and leave her and our kids!

Arthurbodhi

Some years ago when I said to my mom that I was a Buddhist now, she said to me:

Nooo, I don't want to see you dancing and singing on the street.

Later I explained to her than that wasn't be a Buddhist at all.