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Paranoid, but probably true... so socially awkward...
Any good advice for short-circuiting obsessive thoughts, particularly those related to social anxiety? Have you ever bumped into someone, and just *know* they have found something out about you, or that their opinion has changed? I know this sounds just paranoid, but she used to be very friendly, and all of a sudden, treats me like I have a social disease... I am not imagining that... she practically crosses the street when I'm coming!
A month or so ago, she ran towards me, and I to her, and now she acts like she knows something BAD. I am not close enough to bring this up to her- and wouldn't have anything to actually say, other than "why don't you like me?" LOL.
I know, I know...Focus on your breath....where do I feel this anxiety....but it doesn't stop me from obsessing. I have tried to sit with it and it won't go away. I just keep wondering what she knows? And then I get mad at myself for even caring. I find this so upsetting, and know I should control my mind better.
Help!
A month or so ago, she ran towards me, and I to her, and now she acts like she knows something BAD. I am not close enough to bring this up to her- and wouldn't have anything to actually say, other than "why don't you like me?" LOL.
I know, I know...Focus on your breath....where do I feel this anxiety....but it doesn't stop me from obsessing. I have tried to sit with it and it won't go away. I just keep wondering what she knows? And then I get mad at myself for even caring. I find this so upsetting, and know I should control my mind better.
Help!
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Comments
Knowing that about myself... I know my way of dealing with the situation would be to try and avoid it and look for ways to stop caring. Which sounds a little similar to what I think you might be doing, too.
And it doesn't really work. You can't force yourself to not care. I mean, we're taught that we shouldn't care what people think and yadda yadda, but the fact is that most of us do care, and then we spend all our time trying to figure out how not to.
I didn't realise I cared about what people think of me until like two days ago or something. Seriously. I didn't think I was over it, but I thought I was basically there. The truth is that I just got good at convincing myself I don't care.
So my first point is really that it's ok to care about it. No, we shouldn't let it run out lives but caring is natural and we shouldn't try and push it away because caring somehow makes us inferior. And that's what we're really afraid of, feeling inferior. Approaching this person would put us in the "beta" position and avoiding it lets us keep our "alpha" status.
In that light... I think the best way to deal with it is just to ask her if you did anything to upset her... Even though it's kinda awkward because you're not that close.
Because when we get down to it it all boils down to a fear of rejection. And the only thing you can do about fear is face it.
Easy to say, less easy to do, but I think it would be the simplest, and maybe the best way to deal with it.
I guess I would just feel so much worse if she is really cold & I don't even learn why she is acting this way... If she treats me like a pariah...I doubt she will tell me, especially if she is feeling this way because of some gossip. It is entirely possible. I live in a gossipy town :-/.. I don't want to seem paranoid... You are right, though... I try so hard not to care. It is helpful to hear that, because 1/3 of what bothers me is just that I care in the first place... and maybe it's just OK to care, and in awhile, this won't even be on my radar. I know this is a Buddhist site, and all, but I find nothing ruins my day sometimes more than another person. Thanks for being on the + column by lending an ear & some solid advice ;-) I really appreciate it.
In any case anyone who rejects you for committing a faux pas is not really a friend so you have lost nothing. Remember, nothing of value can be lost.
She might just tell you what's up and problem solved.
She might be a total bitch about it and problem solved. And that's the thing that would really suck, if she was cold or harsh or mean. But then at least you'd know you're dealing with someone who probably isn't that nice in the first place and letting her go will be a bit easier. Like @poptart said, if she's not really your friend you haven't lost anything.
But yeah... Caring what people think... When I hear people saying "I don't care what people think" 99% of the time I simply don't believe them because most of us do care. We all want to feel accepted and liked, but we're so afraid of not being accepted and liked that we hide our insecurity behind a wall of "I don't care anyway" so that if we do get rejected it doesn't hurt so much.
I used it for so long that now I'm 24 years old and have no idea how to make friends. I meet people, we get along, have a good time, and then nothing. Because I don't pursue the friendship because I'm afraid of being rejected. I want the other person to pursue me, to offer their hand in friendship first. This puts me in the position of "power". It allows me to feel like I've rejected them rather than the other way around. If I called a person and they brushed me off or something I'd feel just awful, and I'd feel weak for letting myself care and get hurt.
Caring what people think of us is an evolutionary instinct. Back when we were animals, even as early, jeez, even not so early homo sapiens, rejection from our group, tribe or society meant starvation and death. We needed our groups to survive, and so caring what people think of us is built right into us, and so is this fear of rejection. Rejection once upon a time meant death. So saying caring about what people think is weakness is saying that experiencing fear is weakness. Fear (the fight or flight response) is another evolutionary instinct. It doesn't make us bad, these things actually served to help our survival once upon a time.
Sure, there comes a point where we have to let these things go, but we don't do that by denying them or pretending they don't bother us. We face them and then they lose their hold on us. And facing them can be uncomfortable and scary and we're consciously putting ourselves in a position to get hurt and experience these negative feelings and emotions. But it's like dealing with panic attacks... You go through them often enough, you learn to accept them and not resist them and then they bother you less and less every time. Because it's true that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. And having someone be mean to you or reject will suck, but it definitely won't kill you. All that's left from there then is growth and strength.
Sorry this was so long, I'm kind of talking to myself here because I have all of these issues
I learned everything from my teacher Dr. David R. Hawkins you might like him if you like to take a more scientific approach to healing. He was a doctor and psychiatrist for over fifty years and had one of the biggest psychiatric practices in America so he has lots of knowledge and insight into the workings, history and evolution of the brain and psyche.
So yeah, you're definitely not a freak! We all evolved in basically the same way, and all our brains pretty much look the same. A lot of the things we suffer with come from imbalances up there (depression, anxiety etc.) and sometimes we have to focus on things that help balance us out hormonally and neuro-chemically. They found that stroking a cat for ten minutes has the same affect on the brain as 10mgs of Zoloft so we don't always have to go the medication route if our physician deems it safe to avoid it. Meditation has also proven effective in this respect.
Theory is that all of what we experience as upset has it route cause in the brain. But we can actually change the structure of the brain with work. Since they discovered neuroplasticity we now know that the brain is constantly changing, and that new neurological pathways can be forged by repetition.
They found that subjects undergoing CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) actually changed the way their brains worked by repeating the healing behaviours over and over again. Where they once had chemical imbalances and messed up wiring, their brains began to normalize and stabilize.
So with that in mind, we look at the brain and we can basically see our entire evolution from the basic motor functions to the amygdala to the hippocampus to the prefrontal cortex. We see where our fear and anger reactions come from and how they developed which brings compassion for ourselves and that opens the door for healing.
Then we see that the brain is actually quite malleable, and can actually be "trained" for lack of a better word. And we "train" it with our actions and behaviors. So every time you do something positive it imprints itself on your brain, and if you do the positive thing over and over again eventually it becomes the dominant pathway and consequently your natural behavior, so much so that you tend to do it on autopilot.
This is why breaking bad habits is difficult. Your brain is working on autopilot when you're engaging in a bad habit and actually changing your habits requires that the brain works differently which uses a lot of energy that your brain would rather store. Whenever you're making changes in your behaviour your brain is working harder than it's used to and so changing is viewed as difficult. Which it is
The things that we view as positive in life actually have really healing effects on the brain. Stroking cats, helping people, being nice, they all make the brain light up and release happy hormones and chemicals which regulate our brain and consequently our entire body resulting in good health and happiness. They've found that old aphorisms like "practice makes perfect" are completely true, and now we have a better understanding of why.
It's all crazy interesting. Again, sorry for the mega post! I just find it fascinating.
I'm generally not a paranoid person. But I've had times when I over worry about what people think about something socially awkward that I did. I had to reprogram my brain/mind to understand that it's not that important what strangers and acquaintances think of me. It took a little while, but eventually it worked and I don't stress over stuff like that anymore.
Sometimes we need the input of others, and it's part of what helps us grow and develop as people. We learn via other people what is acceptable and what isn't. Admittedly, not all of the information we receive from others is useful, but a lot of it is invaluable.
We exist in families, we have friends, lovers, colleagues - we live in a society.
These relationships provide a path for us in a lot of ways. We learn our behaviors as children from others, we are educated by others... We exist in a world full of other people, and sometimes what they think is valid and helpful.
Sometimes other people think bad things about us because we are actually doing something negative, and without their input, we may never learn and realise it.
Caring what others think, to a degree, helps us evolve and grow.
With real self respect and self love, those things don't affect us to such a degree because we reasonably recognize that sometimes other people can be wrong, but we don't disregard what they say as false or worthless just as a matter of course.
Unless it's really stupid
It's a step away from egotism and narcissism.
However, sometimes you really do have to have your worst fears just happen before you can move on. It is very hard for me to believe in the essential goodness of people these days. I'm struggling. But I DO find good people, and to me, they are the well placed lanterns lighting up an otherwise very darkened world...
Thanks for your posts. I will keep trying to just hang in there and rise above.