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People who assume... ugh... very annoying
still_learning
Veteran
I have coworkers who assume things about me. It reminds me that I used to do that too. It's very annoying.
Thinking back, the reasons I used to that was because I was lazy to get to know a person. It was just easier to assume certain details about a person. I had little to no regard to what the other person would feel if I spat out misinformation about them. I didn't care because they weren't me. It was just pure selfishness. I'm guessing my coworkers are the same way that I was.
Even though I understand them, I still find it hard to have compassion for them in that regard. Perhaps the type of compassion I should have for them is some other type I haven't thought of.
I recently called out one of them for assuming something false about me, maybe that is the right compassion. I'm not too miffed about it, because I know they didn't mean any harm. I'm just annoyed.
I am very glad that I've learned my lesson, because friends have gotten mad at me for it. I guess I feel sorry for them for still not learning something important like that well into their adulthood. I guess that explains a lot about the state of their social lives. They don't seem to have many friends that I hear about. Perhaps they've pissed them all off.
Thinking back, the reasons I used to that was because I was lazy to get to know a person. It was just easier to assume certain details about a person. I had little to no regard to what the other person would feel if I spat out misinformation about them. I didn't care because they weren't me. It was just pure selfishness. I'm guessing my coworkers are the same way that I was.
Even though I understand them, I still find it hard to have compassion for them in that regard. Perhaps the type of compassion I should have for them is some other type I haven't thought of.
I recently called out one of them for assuming something false about me, maybe that is the right compassion. I'm not too miffed about it, because I know they didn't mean any harm. I'm just annoyed.
I am very glad that I've learned my lesson, because friends have gotten mad at me for it. I guess I feel sorry for them for still not learning something important like that well into their adulthood. I guess that explains a lot about the state of their social lives. They don't seem to have many friends that I hear about. Perhaps they've pissed them all off.
1
Comments
People are always new.
Something to think about:
What is true? What is false? Are these objective? Or are they thoughts chained aka memory. How reliable is memory? And does reality in the unfolding moment have a connection to memory? Why do I bring memory to the moments unfolding. Are people what I project/interpret? Can I see people without projecting/interpreting? Why do I have standards for people? Why do I construct a narrative about people? Why do I construct a narrative for myself?
Something to consider:
Having compassion for yourself and your past mistakes, will help with having compassion for others which you assume to have the same problem as prior "you".
If you haven't solved the issue by giving compassion to yourself, then how can you ever give compassion to others? You only see your faults in others, when other people are direct mirrors to you. So really who is needing the compassion here?
Chew on all that
@still_learning, this was a very interesting question that I had to get back to. I like taiyaki's answer. My resonance stuff ^^ can go through time too. You make a wrong assumption and then somehow figure out the truth. In that second you would have to know: what your assumption was, a memory of that time, what doesn't fit with the assumption, and then it would have to somehow transform that IMPRINT. And then like on this forum we hear so many names that we can't conceptually know all of the impressions we have of people. Like I might just say "oh taiyaki is that emptiness guy" and then look at that through a filter.
I think it is a learned skill to SLOW down and sometimes carefully consider things. But we all are learning as we go and it is INEVITABLE that we are doing some assuming.
I think you experienced some pain seeing your old self. Do you think that hurt is making you negative towards your co-workers who are now in the same shoes you are in? I don't understand why knowing how you used to be doesn't make you more compassionate rather than less?
Are you sure it doesn't irritate you still, because you still do it some and can't figure out why? I'm only asking because that is what I do. Someone will say something, here, on FB, in "real life" and my first thought it "ugh, why do you have to be a bitch and say it that way?" and right away the answer comes now as "because you (me) know that's how you'd say it, too, and you see yourself in that person even now." That's the truth for me. The words might not come anymore, but sometimes the thoughts still do and I wish they wouldn't and sometimes I beat myself up for it. Because I recognize it better in myself now, I recognize it that much more in others, and what I dislike in them, I dislike in myself even though I've improved and am still working on it.
Being new to Buddhism, I only took it up today . . . I assume a lack of assumptions is . . . dare I say it . . . possible?
Wow :bowdown:
So bad at being a buddhist
Memory: Remembrance of things to come
08 October 2012 by David Robson
New Scientist Magazine issue 2885.
WHEN thinking about the workings of the mind, it is easy to imagine memory as a kind of mental autobiography - the private book of you. To relive the trepidation of your first day at school, say, you simply dust off the cover and turn to the relevant pages. But there is a problem with this idea. Why are the contents of that book so unreliable? It is not simply our tendency to forget key details. We are also prone to "remember" events that never actually took place, almost as if a chapter from another book has somehow slipped into our autobiography. Such flaws are puzzling if you believe that the purpose of memory is to record your past - but they begin to make sense if it is for something else entirely. That is exactly what memory researchers are now starting ...
The thrust of the article was towards memory being a tool for future planning rather than for accurate remembrance
What bothers me is that my coworkers could easily just talk to me to learn more about me. I'm an approachable person. I even start conversations with them to learn more about them.
How do you know they're making false assumptions about you, btw?
I think the elephant in the room that nobody has brought up is -- why are they making certain assumptions about you?
There are also meetings where there is food left over, usually sandwiches. The same coworker assumed that I was eager to get the sandwiches so he quickly tells me about them. I can't tell if he's being nice or teasing me. He tells me with a quick laugh and a smirk. In reality, I bring my lunch half the time and when I'm already full from lunch I don't even take a sandwich. He, however takes a sandwich almost every time, which I've seen with my own eyes. Sometimes it seems like he wants to make himself feel ok about taking a sandwich if I take one.
Another time, this same coworker assumed that I left Chinese food in the fridge for weeks. It has gone bad and should be thrown out. He's seen me eat Chinese take out ONCE for lunch, and the containers don't even look remotely similar to the ones in the fridge. Another coworker has complained about the leftover Chinese takeout to me because he thought it was mine, based on what the first coworker told him. I had to straightened them both out.
I wasn't too mad because I was able to nip these assumption in the bud, but it's still annoying.
Sure, I make assumptions about people too, but I rarely act on them or discuss my assumptions with others. I also take the time to ask the person to get to know them better if I have made assumptions (in my mind) about them. I don't think I've ever accused anyone of anything based on an assumption.
I'm just gonna work from home
Yeah, this one guy really piled it on this past week. That's the reason for my post. Other coworkers do this to me once in a while. You're right this guy is socially awkward. I'm patient with this coworker, it's just that my patience almost, almost ran out last week.
Like the sandwich guy; he's projecting his own stuff onto you. All you can do is remain above the fray, and take steps to head off any problems. Like with the sodas; after the meeting, put them all in the fridge or a common area, so they can be up for grabs, or save them for the next meeting, or ask the group if anyone wants the leftovers. How are the leftover sandwiches disposed of? Maybe it's just a matter of more implementing a more transparent process of dealing with leftovers. And maybe someone needs to check the fridge at the end of each week and make a general announcement that any unclaimed food will be tossed.
Assumption.