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Dealing with people who bother you

Hello everyone. I'm new to the group, very interested in getting to know some people who view the world similar to me. I'm married, have 2 kids and work full time. My husband is not Buddhist which offers some interesting challenges. I stumbled across this and thought it might be a good launching pad for this idea. If this topic has been visited a lot and I've not found it here yet, please just let me know and point me in that direction.

http://appliedbuddhism.wordpress.com/2009/12/24/how-to-deal-with-people-who-bother-you/#

thank you
Theresa

Comments

  • howhow Veteran Veteran
    edited November 2012
    It helps me to keep in mind that people who are agreeable to me will seldom challenge or teach me as much as those who bother me.
    DaltheJigsawlobsterShoshin
  • DaltheJigsawDaltheJigsaw Veteran Mountain View Veteran
    Thank you! I'm working on dealing with difficult people all the time. I am working on the compassionate part and hopefully everything else will follow! But thank you so much for the link!
    dantepw
  • I'm sure we all have to revisit this topic from time to time. It's interesting how many ways you can approach it. I really find it helpful to hear how everyone else works through this challenge. Thanks for the comments.
  • RodrigoRodrigo Veteran São Paulo, Brazil Veteran
    Difficult people are the best teachers of patience and compassion. We may even be thankful for having them in our lives.
  • karastikarasti Breathing Minnesota Moderator
    Plus it really throws them for a loop when you actually tell them "Thank you for giving me this lesson in patience and practice in compassion by sharing your views." It stops them in their tracks much of the time and their "difficult person" train of thought comes crashing to a halt while they think about what you just said.

    If we didn't have difficult people and situations, we'd have no opportunity to practice our compassion and understanding, and that goes from things on a small level (someone at work you have to deal with for example) to worldly challenges like the current Gaza/Israel escalation.

    We tend, in the western world, to look at things from 2 sides. One side, and the other side, and then we choose a side and take ours as good and the other as bad. But when you can look at both "sides" without judgement and have compassion for both, it's then that you start to see the world, and your mind, for what they really are.
    dantepw
  • RebeccaSRebeccaS Veteran Veteran
    edited November 2012
    That dude was a military photo journalist! I wanted to do that! Coolest job ever.

    Coolest Buddhist ever.
  • BarraBarra soto zennie wandering in a cloud in beautiful, bucolic Victoria BC, on the wacky left coast of Canada Veteran
    @RebeccaS
    What dude are you talking about?
  • ToshTosh Veteran Veteran
    Mrs Tosh; she is my best teacher of patience and tolerance; and my daughter. And most of my customers, and A.A. members; you lot even.

    I have a long path to travel! :p
    mmo
  • BhikkhuJayasaraBhikkhuJayasara Bhikkhu Veteran
    dealing with difficult people is one of the most common questions in Buddhism.. the answer truly lies not with the other people at all, but within ourselves.

    I highly suggest these dhamma talks, entitled " dealing with difficult people" by Ajahn Brahm, they should be helpful -

    Dealing With Difficult People 2008

    Dealing With Difficult People 2010

    Ajahn Bram also tells the story about " ajahn mosquito". When he was a young monk under AJahn Chah and they were in the jungle, being eaten alive by hundreds of mosquitoes as they meditated, Ajahn Brahm went to complain to Ajahn Chah(Ajahn simply means teacher) and Ajahn Chah said from now on they are "Ajahn Mosquito" .

    This falls in line with what many have said above about using these experiences as a training.

    as for what I would say to add to all of this.. the practice of Metta, loving-friendliness. We know that ALL beings, even the ones we love to make out as super evil like hitler, stalin, osama , etc.. ALL beings wish to be well, happy, and peaceful, just as we do. When we come to understand that people stop becoming "difficult" :P

    "May all be well and secure,
    May all beings be happy!

    Whatever living creatures there be,
    Without exception, weak or strong,
    Long, huge or middle-sized,
    Or short, minute or bulky,

    Whether visible or invisible,
    And those living far or near,
    The born and those seeking birth,
    May all beings be happy!

    Let none deceive or decry
    His fellow anywhere;
    Let none wish others harm
    In resentment or in hate.

    Just as with her own life
    A mother shields from hurt
    Her own son, her only child,
    Let all-embracing thoughts
    For all beings be yours.

    Cultivate an all-embracing mind of love
    For all throughout the universe,
    In all its height, depth and breadth —
    Love that is untroubled
    And beyond hatred or enmity.

    As you stand, walk, sit or lie,
    So long as you are awake,
    Pursue this awareness with your might:
    It is deemed the Divine State here.

    Holding no more to wrong beliefs,
    With virtue and vision of the ultimate,
    And having overcome all sensual desire,
    Never in a womb is one born again."
    kashiJeffreydantepw
  • RebeccaSRebeccaS Veteran Veteran
    Barra said:

    @RebeccaS
    What dude are you talking about?

    The guy who wrote the thing in the link in the op. I think. This was a while ago :lol:

  • thug4lyfethug4lyfe Explorer Explorer

    I troll em

  • reb1220reb1220 Explorer Explorer

    I really like that story in the article. Where I work, as a CO at the county jail, I definitely have more than enough "teachers" lol. I also remember when they get on my nerves that they are stuck there, they live there, that that is their life, while I am blessed to be able to go home, see my family, etc. Plus, it is their job to try, yell, harass, even accost us physically if able. That's what inmates do. It is our job to be firm, fair, and impartial, and to bring order to chaos in a professional, courteous as often as possible, and understanding way.
    Enough ranting, I really, really like that story though.

  • federicafederica seeker of the clear blue sky Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator
    edited May 2015

    @reb1220 said:..... they are stuck there, they live there, that that is their life, while I am blessed to be able to go home, see my family, etc.

    I call it really suckily poor choices....

    Plus, it is their job to try, yell, harass, even accost us physically if able.

    No. Their job is to 'do the time 'cos' they dun the crime'.
    Everything else they give you is a bonus....

    It is our job to be firm, fair, and impartial, and to bring order to chaos in a professional, courteous as often as possible, and understanding way.

    Fair cop guv.
    It's a captivating job, and someone's gotta do it.... ;)

    :D

  • robotrobot Veteran Veteran

    @federica said:

    Is suckily a word? My iPad doesn't recognize it.

    silverRowan1980
  • federicafederica seeker of the clear blue sky Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator

    @robot said: Is suckily a word?

    It is now...

    My iPad doesn't recognize it.

    See, that's the trouble with modern technology... It's brand-spanking, state-of-the-art new, and already, it's out of date and behind the times...
    Tch.... An' all that money, too....

    :lol:

    Hamsaka
  • namarupanamarupa Veteran Veteran

    "Dealing with difficult people who bother you"

    There are people who are actually called "dealers" in their job titles of various trades and professions. Dealers of difficult people however don't exist and don't get paid. :p

  • mockeymindmockeymind Veteran Veteran

    @tmomerling - People who bothers or not easy to get with according to Ajahn Brahm is your teacher. It will requires you to apply what you've learn so far in the practice. As the humble monks once called them sa "AJAHNS" You cannot learn much to the people who are always in agreement with you. It is those who are different where you can learn. This is a work around for those who can't see that there is great lesson in the midst of disagreement.

    Sending you metta and good luck for your practice.

  • federicafederica seeker of the clear blue sky Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator

    @mockeymind , this is actually a very old thread and was re-activated by a troll. Normally, if old threads are activated I close them down, but this one just began to run, so I let it....

    There is little point addressing the OP however. They have not returned to the site for nearly 2 years.

  • howhow Veteran Veteran
    edited May 2015

    @robot said:
    Is suckily a word? My iPad doesn't recognize it.

    How many years ago would the word ipad not be recognized?

    I actually started out trying to say what makes a word..a word...and gave up when every attempted was met by exceptions.

  • federicafederica seeker of the clear blue sky Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator

    ..."would the word ipad not HAVE BEEN recognized?"

    Thank you @how, I can always count on you to throw me a hook, and I'll take the bait every time!!

    :lol:

  • howhow Veteran Veteran

    @Federica
    Just for you.
    With a closer inspection you'll notice I usually leave more than one hook out there just in case the first one gets missed.

  • federicafederica seeker of the clear blue sky Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator

    Oh, I see.... a line fisherman.... at least you spare the masses and fish responsibly!

    how
  • robotrobot Veteran Veteran

    @how said:
    I actually started out trying to say what makes a word..a word...and gave up when every attempted was met by exceptions.

    My original thought was to go after Federica about her hard assed view of inmates.
    Which was irrelevant to @reb1220 's statement that the inmates "are stuck there, they live there, that that is their life, while I am blessed to be able to go home, see my family".
    Which is a compassionate view for a corrections officer to have. I think it is easy to get very jaded in that job.
    People are behind bars for all sorts of reasons. Often there is abuse and mental illness behind their problems. Would you consider an abused dog to have made a bad choice when it misbehaves or bites, Fede? Every time?
    Then I thought better of it and took her to task for making up words, instead.
    Now I've done both I guess.

    Zenshin
  • robotrobot Veteran Veteran

    @federica said:
    My comments were tongue-in-cheek.

    I didn't get that. I might be suffering from some preconceptions.
    Sorry about that.

  • federicafederica seeker of the clear blue sky Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator

    No problem.
    as I said, I should have made it more apparent....

    Interesting times those were.

    (Now I've gone all 'Yodish'!)

    Zenshin
  • federicafederica seeker of the clear blue sky Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator

    (I should actually have BEEN more mindful with my comments, although I really was kidding.... There is another member whose partner spent a long time in prison.... I should have remembered....)

  • robotrobot Veteran Veteran

    @federica said:
    No problem.
    as I said, I should have made it more apparent....

    Interesting times those were.

    (Now I've gone all 'Yodish'!)

    Is "Yodish" a word? My iPad....

    Rowan1980federica
  • karastikarasti Breathing Minnesota Moderator

    I have to say, I was excited to see a post directed at @RebeccaS thinking she had come back. Unfortunately she has not. Thanks for ruining my life! :'(
    Just kidding ;) but I had a moment of excitement.

  • GraymanGrayman Veteran Veteran

    I almost wasted my time posting in this dead thread.... wait a minute...

    Rowan1980
  • reb1220reb1220 Explorer Explorer

    @federica said:
    (I should actually have BEEN more mindful with my comments, although I really was kidding.... There is another member whose partner spent a long time in prison.... I should have remembered....)

    Don't worry Federica, I got you.

    Although, it is scary how many are in jail over the simplest things now. Often, I wonder that with some of them, the only difference between us is that they got caught.

    "Which is a compassionate view for a corrections officer to have. I think it is easy to get very jaded in that job."

    Robot, you have no idea how easy it is to get jaded working there. I have friends who have worked there for years, and they practically live off of sarcasm and convincing themselves they don't care anymore. One of those " You look into the darkness long enough, eventually, it looks back" kind of deals. I'm just wrapping up my first year, hopefully I can keep a balance and not lose myself lol.

    silver
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