When does it become our fault?

still_learning

With my limited understanding of psychology, I think we inherit some personality traits from each of our biological parents. Then we are raised a certain way, and in a certain environment. Those things have a strong effect on how we feel and how we do things.

When do we become responsible for how we act and how we treat people? Sometimes I'll ask a person why they did something detrimental (either to themselves or to others), and they might say they couldn't help it, or they're just used to it.

Sometimes, I read on this forum advice that says people should be mindful of what they are doing. What if that is extremely hard?

Some people are insane and literally can not control what they do, but what about people who are not insane, but find it extremely hard to be mindful? Some people can generally live a normal life, but when it comes to certain issues, they just can't do what they know in their minds is the right thing to do.

Is it okay to say "that's just how he is?" Or "he was just raised that way."

I guess we all have flaws, but I think when these flaws greatly affect the people around you, you should no longer use the the excuse of "I can't help it," because you actually can. If you're an adult and no one is forcing your hand, there's no excuse to continue bad habits that hurt others. That's my opinion.

karasti

You can't control other people and whether they can be mindful. All you can do is be kind and compassionate for them. Mindfulness can be very difficult for anyone, practice is the only way to gain ground. You practice in "smaller areas and then when storms come, you are better able to maintain your internal peace. Even if people have the ability to do something, they may not have all the pieces put together to be able to put it into practice. It may come later in life, it may not. But that is up to them. You can only control how you react to them.

Some people aren't insane, but still have much less ability to control certain things about themselves. They can learn, but it's much, MUCH harder for them than for others. I have 2 kids like that, and they learn but it's incredibly difficult for them (in different areas) and it most certainly is no fault of theirs, but even at 10 and 15 they know that having challenges makes things harder, but it is not a free ticket to misbehave, either.

vinlyn

In reality, the answer -- when is one responsible for their own behavior -- varies from person to person. So, we legislate the answer based on cultural norms. For example, it's legal to drive at 16, or drink at 18 or 21, get married at a particular age (varies from state to state). And I guess that's the way it has to be.

still_learning

@karasti

I'm not looking to control anyone. I'm wondering when can I say to someone, "Hey man, what you're doing is negatively affecting your loved ones, and even it's hard for you, you gotta do something about it cuz it's your fault."

Some people blame their parents for the way the are. When can they no longer blame their parents and take responsibility for who they are and try to change for the better?

karasti

It depends on the person. If the person you are feeling the need to say that to is your kid, then that's a lot different than telling a cousin, an uncle, a coworker or a friend. And sometimes, it's not up to you to say anything at all. Going up to someone and saying "That part of your life sucks and its your fault" generally isn't well received. I would say it's up to their loved ones to speak up if they are the "victims" of the problem, not someone else. A lot is lost when someone outside of the issue says "you are causing a problem with so and so and it's your fault and you gotta fix it." The person who is having the problem needs to be the one to speak up.

fivebells

In terms of the way to live a good life, the best attitude is to take responsibility for all actions you take, and at the same time attend to the historical/psychological/etc. background in which you decided to take those actions.

Determining intrinsic responsibility for an action is hard, and probably not possible in most cases.

Jeffrey

Your responsible for all of your volitional actions. All of them. But cause and effect is the teacher it is not ultimately another beings judgement, though since we mirror each other that often comes in the form of signals from others. The signals can be deliberate 'calling them out' or it can just be that others have certain attitudes etc. towards you.

But your responsible for all your actions. Personally I feel you should have consideration for others AND the man in the mirror. But when it gets down to it I'd say 'the man in the mirror' is the actual compass and when you get too sucked into others opinion that can lead to feeling 'small me against it all'.

Cinorjer

Personal responsibility.

On the one hand, we have people who obviously should not be held responsible for their actions. The very young, or the unfortunate people with disorders and diseases of the mind that cause a break with reality. If a small child finds a gun and shoots someone thinking it's a game, we don't blame the child. In the USA, we're at least starting to make the person who left the loaded gun where a child can get it responsible instead of saying "it was an accident".

But what about the child that takes a gun to school to shoot the bully that beats him up at recess every day? The child knowingly performs the act. It was no accident. We as a society still maintain that in most cases, children are still developing the normal cognative skills that separate reality from fantasy or control impulses like responding to anger.

And a normal, functioning adult is assumed to be responsible. Even when they're drunk or under the influence of drugs, because they made the choice to mess their minds up.

So that leaves the wide medium. We have people with messed-up childhoods, and that can leave dysfunctional adults. We have mental problems that make it harder, but not impossible, to develop social skills.

Is responsibility an all or nothing concept? Can we be held responsible for our own actions, but at the same time point to the legalistic "extenuating circumstances" that mitigate that responsibility? Personally, I don't know. I know people who use their admittedly crappy childhood to excuse not being responsible today. I also know people with terrible, violent childhoods who grew up determined to help other children stuck in that nightmare. When does a mitigating circumstance become an excuse?

I don't know, myself. The human mind is fascinating and resists being pigeonholed by any model of how it works, how it reacts to abuse and how much it is capable of healing.

genkaku

My mother once told me that when I was little, I did something naughty and while she was giving me what's-for, she asked in passing, "Why did you do that?!" My answer stopped her cold in her tracks, she said. Through my tears of regret, I replied, "I did it on purpose."

karasti

but this is Buddhism and it's not as simple as psychology. Everyone who is abused, maltreated etc also brings karma to the table and that plays a part in their dealings with the problems.

Rodrigo

I think we are responsible from the moment we are aware of the causes and consequences of our behavior — because at this moment we are able to make a choice.

karasti

I think that's a fair statement, overall, except for children. Their lack of impulse control and their ability to make decisions with forethought of causes and consequences is pretty limited, and for some kids even longer than average.