Mindfulness- Losing my mind?

BeginnersMind

Hello, I'm not sure if this is the correct place to post this so forgive me, but I am encountering a rather difficult experience at the moment with my Mindfulness.

Firstly, let me say am quite new to Mindfulness ( under a year) & all was well up until a couple of days ago.

I came to Mindfulness ( and buddhism later) as a means to reduce my relatively mild anxiety issues last year.

I only sit for 1hr daily & try to be mindful as much as possible the rest of the day.

Overall this has benefited me, but now I am suffering some pretty terrible anxiety overloads and what I can only describe as confused/chaotic emotional states trigger by certain thoughts.

I get thoughts questioning who/what I am.. what is time.. the thought about the thought... thoughts questioning my own consciousness..when and where did it begin... thoughts questioning existence...what are other objects/ people ... what is now...etc etc...

needless to say all of this leaves me in a pretty distressed/unsure/mindless state.

I am confused, as I feel like i'll go insane ( a phobia I have anyway ) if engage with these thoughts & I'm not dealing with them I I don't.

has anyone experienced or heard of anything similar ? should I seek direct assistance?

Be well & thanks for taking the time to read.
O

Wisdom23

I much to share a simular story i question n analyse things waaaay to much as u said can be quite an.anxious person but recently i have started saying this to myself " what if it all ended today and i could only look bk on this day before i passed away would i be happy content with my day " now this for me doesnt mean to go wild but jus to be happy and content wjere i am coz to be honest we dont know wats gna happen.tomorrow and if today was our last day we have wasted it worrying over nothing that can br of benefit to us.

I hope this helps i know i xan.ramble on a bit now and again

much love

BeginnersMind

Thanks for your advice Wisdom23.

lobster

BeginnersMind said:

I am confused, as I feel like i'll go insane ( a phobia I have anyway ) if engage with these thoughts & I'm not dealing with them I I don't.

has anyone experienced or heard of anything similar ?

Happens all the time.
There are worse things than insanity . . . sanity for example
One way is to Temporarily change the emphasis of your Mindfulness. For example walking meditation, prostrations or highly recommended, learn a mantra and zap the anxiety with some mantra . . .
You will be fine. :clap:

Zero

BeginnersMind said:

I get thoughts questioning
who/what I am..
what is time..
the thought about the thought...
thoughts questioning my own consciousness..
when and where did it begin...
thoughts questioning existence...
what are other objects/ people ...
what is now...etc etc...

I am confused, as I feel like i'll go insane ( a phobia I have anyway ) if engage with these thoughts & I'm not dealing with them I I don't.

should I seek direct assistance?

On direct assistance, you may benefit from talking to a professional about your anxiety generally.

The thoughts you are having are not insane - they are complicated however - you may find a life-time's enquiry in each - perhaps take one of them and spend time thinking and researching and chatting about it and when you feel more comfortable move onto another... you'll find more than enough to keep you occupied forever.

You may well go insane - you may well be insane already - you'll have to weigh up the effects of your actions as you go along - sure you'll be fine.

BeginnersMind

Thank you so much for the suggestions & help so far. I'll look into the walking meditation's etc & possibly professional help ( although that kind of scares me tbh ).

I guess I was kind of blindsided by this as I really didn't expect/think just being mindful would unveil such deep rooted/fear/uncertainties. ignorance is bliss it seems

baby steps

karasti

what kind of answers to those questions do you think you'll find that scare you? I think most people start to ask those questions at different times in their lives, and sometimes its certainly upsetting to think about them. But they are just questions and they can't make you go crazy if you don't let them control you. Asking questions and contemplating on them is totally normal and safe. Sometimes a good mind blowing is in order.

RebeccaS

I agree with whoever said talk to a professional. These kinds of thoughts are really common in people suffering from anxiety.

vinlyn

To The OP: Where do you think you are on the continuum between "these thoughts occur to me" and "I am obsessed with these thoughts"?

Bunks

@BeginnersMind - I have read that when a person realises the truth about anatta (not-self / illusion of self) that it can have different effects on people.

It fills some people with fear (your experience perhaps?) and others with joy. Both will pass...

Also - I agree with the people above about professional help. Anxiety is an issue that can be treated.

Best of luck!

Jeffrey

It sounds like some powerful experience, but these things can be frightening. This is where confidence is important. You trust the awakening mind will right itself. But the thoughts sound interesting to me. The problem is the fright. And for that both confidence and looking in your heart to confront these questions.

@taiyaki always has something good to say about facing fear

taiyaki

Cultivate the positive in your life through morality and some sort of samadhi or meta practice.

Investigation generally needs a strong base to leap from.

At times it's good to just relax and remember what the Buddha said about everything. It is all a dream, so relax and let it just be.

As for emotional states. From a vajrayana point of view this is great but a teacher is a must to help you. Be as grounded in the body as possible. Feel everything without rejection or acceptance. Be utterly hopeless and fearless. Allowing the process to occur in the body is very important and beneficial. But the resources of your practice are necessary or it can drive you more insane.

IMHO I'd go see a teacher, sangha and start getting serious about practice and study. Good luck.

Jeffrey

A thought: the mind naturally difuses outward as well as focusing intently on awareness-mindfulness. When you say mindfulness it sounds more like a super-attention, but with the word awareness we think of the mind and the space in the mind. The mind needs to diffuse outwards and if we resist that and try to force the egos own idea of how the mind should work onto that natural diffusing you can even get psychotic symptoms. So don't be too forceful with mindfulness and let some of that natural play come back into the mimd.

NOT sure if the above is relevant, but if it is I hope it helps.

mfranzdorf

Bunks said:

@BeginnersMind - I have read that when a person realises the truth about anatta (not-self / illusion of self) that it can have different effects on people.

It fills some people with fear (your experience perhaps?) and others with joy. Both will pass...

Also - I agree with the people above about professional help. Anxiety is an issue that can be treated.

Best of luck!

I know that when I realized this and came to terms with it, I felt like I was hit with a ton of bricks and yet somehow relieved of a huge burden all at the same time. The truths that I have discovered have at times made me question my sanity. I look at those around me, going about their "normal" lives, oblivious to the realities of this world that Buddhism has revealed to me......I guess a small part of me is envious of a person that can just stumble through life and not really think about anything deeper than whats for dinner. When you mine the depths of your mind, you are bound to feel a little crazy I suppose. I think you will be fine. Enjoy the ride we are foutunate enough to be on!

footiam

BeginnersMind said:

Hello, I'm not sure if this is the correct place to post this so forgive me, but I am encountering a rather difficult experience at the moment with my Mindfulness.

Firstly, let me say am quite new to Mindfulness ( under a year) & all was well up until a couple of days ago.

I came to Mindfulness ( and buddhism later) as a means to reduce my relatively mild anxiety issues last year.

I only sit for 1hr daily & try to be mindful as much as possible the rest of the day.

Overall this has benefited me, but now I am suffering some pretty terrible anxiety overloads and what I can only describe as confused/chaotic emotional states trigger by certain thoughts.

I get thoughts questioning who/what I am.. what is time.. the thought about the thought... thoughts questioning my own consciousness..when and where did it begin... thoughts questioning existence...what are other objects/ people ... what is now...etc etc...

needless to say all of this leaves me in a pretty distressed/unsure/mindless state.

I am confused, as I feel like i'll go insane ( a phobia I have anyway ) if engage with these thoughts & I'm not dealing with them I I don't.

has anyone experienced or heard of anything similar ? should I seek direct assistance?

Be well & thanks for taking the time to read.
O

I would think you are mindful, mindful that you are anxious, mindful that you are confused. Now, just sit down quietly and think of how to solve the problem.

BeginnersMind

Wow I'm overwhelmed by the wise words & support everyone has come forward with.

I'm already feeling a bit less fearful & crazy, so this means a lot to me. thanks

karasti said:

what kind of answers to those questions do you think you'll find that scare you?

Good question, I guess until yesterday I was afraid to even articulate the thought or sit with it for any amount of time. My mind goes into instant red alert mode upon the realization that I've had that thought, it's like a primal fear, but to answer your question I would guess it's a fear that the foundation of everything is unknown.

RebeccaS said:

I agree with whoever said talk to a professional. These kinds of thoughts are really common in people suffering from anxiety.

Thanks for that, My fear is that I approached mindfulness as a treatment for a mild anxiety last year ( possibly this fundmental set of thoughts/fears in different guises pre-mindfulness) so If I go to a doctor, medication might be the only option left & maybe that's ok. I haven't discounted it.

vinlyn said:

To The OP: Where do you think you are on the continuum between "these thoughts occur to me" and "I am obsessed with these thoughts"?

Again good question, they feel a little like a scab that I need to itch. My awareness of them comes and goes but they havent felt very far from my mind since friday ( when this all began) so they occur more than I want at the moment. I think I do get a little obsessed with certain thoughts when I'm stressed so this might be the case.

Bunks said:

It fills some people with fear (your experience perhaps?) and others with joy. Both will pass...

Thank you Bunks this may be the case.

Jeffrey said:

This is where confidence is important. You trust the awakening mind will right itself. But the thoughts sound interesting to me. The problem is the fright. And for that both confidence and looking in your heart to confront these questions.

I like "awakening mind will right itself" thank you Jeffrey, this whole mindfulness & buddhism path is relatively new for me so my confidence is a little shakey.

taiyaki said:

Cultivate the positive in your life through morality and some sort of samadhi or meta practice.

Investigation generally needs a strong base to leap from.

At times it's good to just relax and remember what the Buddha said about everything. It is all a dream, so relax and let it just be.

IMHO I'd go see a teacher, sangha and start getting serious about practice and study. Good luck.

Thank you taiyaki, I think I am going to try find a good teacher & this might tie into the confidence mentioned.

Jeffrey said:

don't be too forceful with mindfulness and let some of that natural play come back into the mimd.

Thanks again Jeffrey, I think I may have been a little to demanding & inquisitive in forceful way

mfranzdorf said:

Enjoy the ride we are foutunate enough to be on!

very true, thanks for the wise words.

footiam said:

I would think you are mindful, mindful that you are anxious, mindful that you are confused. Now, just sit down quietly and think of how to solve the problem.

Thank you I will try.

driedleaf

BeginnersMind said:

I get thoughts questioning who/what I am.. what is time.. the thought about the thought... thoughts questioning my own consciousness..when and where did it begin... thoughts questioning existence...what are other objects/ people ... what is now...etc etc...

Thoughts are not ours. If it was ours, try thinking only of the one thing that you always like to think about the most. It just wont happen, eventually another different thought will replace it. If you can keep focus on a single object such as the breath, and be mindful of thoughts, feelings, emotions etc. it is still mindfulness.

It looks like you're on the right track, you just need to not identify with the thoughts. In meditation, it doesn't matter what thoughts occur or how many. Trying to follow thoughts is like trying to compare the sounds of waves crashing. It can also lead to dukkha.

BeginnersMind

driedleaf said:

you just need to not identify with the thoughts. In meditation, it doesn't matter what thoughts occur or how many. Trying to follow thoughts is like trying to compare the sounds of waves crashing. It can also lead to dukkha.

Excellent information, thank you. In retrospect I think I may have been too forceful & certainly identified with the thoughts way too much. I'm trying to slowly piece myself back together and the wisdom in the practice is really shining through.

It feels like I'm learning everything all over again, but that's ok.