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Attachment/Abandonment
My significant other wants to abandon his attachments,including the people he loves to live a monastic life.I am struggling with the idea of abandoning the people we love in order to reach enlightenment. Is this extreme? I admire his choice and yet I feel a profound amount of grief like the death of a loved one.Because I love him I want to give him my blessing to go on his spiritual journey and I want him to know that I love him regardless- do you think this is foolish/delusional of me to believe that perhaps he will come to his senses and appreciate the people that are in his life?I need guidance... what do you think of this?
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Second, are there ways he could do things step by step, rather than making decisions from which there is no easy return?
How old is he and you?
But @fivebells is right, I hope he knows what he's getting into.
I don't think it is required of all people to take such an extreme step, and I do think that a LOT of people who desire such a thing desire it for the wrong reasons, such as in a sense running away from problems of various sorts.
I don't think there is any avoiding suffering of some sort when someone we love is gone, no matter what the reason is that they left. I don't think anyone would tell you not to be sad about it, because anyone would be. I wish I had advice for you on how to process it.
Monastic life is interesting to me, and tempting in many ways. However, before I came to Buddhism, I got married and had 3 children, and I am not going to abandon them because I found something else. It is not their fault I didn't find Buddhism before I made those decisions, so I instead make the best of both worlds and have found it much easier to not cling to one or the other.
I personally think he should give it more time. Sometimes lightning strikes, so to speak, and we just know. But I think a few weeks isn't enough time to make such a decision and most monastic orders that I've read about seem to agree. Many of them require a stay within monastery of a certain amount of time to be considered for monkhood because of the risk of people getting so excited about it when they first find Buddhism and then like anything else in life they find it's not what they thought it would be. Monkhood isn't really something you take on to explore. You have to do the exploring before you take it on.
If he does decide to go forth with it, I doubt it will matter whether you give him your blessing or not, honestly. The only thing you can do is sit with your sadness and suffering and wondering and let it be, and realize that in time it will get better.
On the other side, Buddha left his family for his spiritual journey but look what they got out of it in the end. They lost him, but they gained much as a results of his life and teachings. He had to leave his family to achieve what he did, and you never know, perhaps your SO is meant to achieve something great as well. But I think he should do a bit more exploring and conversing than simply a few weeks, personally.
@karasti He has no debts, no job, he is an only child, he lives at home...I suppose it is the perfect opportunity to take this sort of path. He made it clear that he is torn between "living a normal life"(which includes being with his loved ones) and a "monastic life"(reclusive) My question is , should I let him know that my arms are open to him regardless?What would you do?
Unfortunately, there's not really any advice anyone can give to help make this any easier for you. In the end, it's his decision to make, and my advice is to simply let him know how you feel and try to be supportive of his decision whatever it may be. He may decide to stay, or he may decide to explore this path to see if it's right for him. I'm sure it's not that he doesn't appreciate the people in his life, though, so much as he's simply looking for happiness. For some, the monastic life is where their heart is at, and where they can be of the greatest benefit to the world.
It can be difficult to let someone close to you go, but it's much better to part on good terms than bad, especially if it's for their potential long-term welfare and happiness.
Perhaps you can now appreciate what it means to have deep attachment to someone and then losing that person. That was what Siddharta saw. That there is danger in getting attached to things that are inherently not under one's control. The only secure refuge is within one-self.
This passage may give you an idea why he left his family. Regards,
You say you admire his choice... but it sounds more like you wish you admired his choice - the profound grief is associated with the death of your relationship - it is natural and not unsurprising given the circumstances.
You consider that your 'love' is setting him free but you do not agree with his choice so underlying is the hope that he will see it your way / another way that will mean he will return - if your actions are conditional on this then rather be honest with him about what you feel and why and what this is doing to you - acting in any particular way in the hope that an unspecified ulterior motive will be satisfied rarely works out well. Perhaps allow him space to make up his mind - maybe a trial separation.
You're leaving yourself in limbo by holding on to opposing positions - limbo is avoided by closing the door forever and moving on with your life - sounds really really hard I know but it is simultaneously really really easy as well. First session decisions - if it took one session for him to know then what is he waiting for?
In my mind, yes, it sounds like some denial.
Don't beat yourself up though - this is a very challenging experience - loss is acute. Wondering what buddha's wife and child may or may not have felt probably will not help you - that is a story - this is your life unfolding - whether your partner's decision helps 1 person or a million will not take away its effect on you.
He sounds closer to his childhood than adulthood - perhaps part of his decision is his lack of ability to take responsibility - no job and living at home at 25 isn't greatly encouraging - it is a gross over-generalisation but in my experience, the only-children I have come across have been irreversibly selfish.
If you can stand holding out for him then yes - if you feel it then yes - you should try as otherwise you may regret and always wonder - best to try and see whether you like the flavour - if you do then continue, if not then try another stew.
What would I do? I would accept what he says - see him for the boy that he is and allow him the time and space to make his decision - at the same time, I would examine my own life and decisions and see what type of person I really need as a partner and then start the process of cultivating the conditions to bring that person to my life.
Life is too short to spend being lost in the delusions of others... something about the rhino and the forest or something... walk on - life will bear fruit where you cultivate - I can't tell you much with certainty but I can tell you 100% guaranteed that you take a step and so will your goal take a step towards you.
All the best of luck - this is a challenging time which I hope will resolve for you.
Never put your life on hold for the benefit of another, in the 'hope' or possibility they might return.
Even if they do, the break will have changed the dynamics of your relationship and things will never be as they were....
If he's calling a halt to this relationship, the best thing for you would be to let him go.
And then, in your solitude, decide what you want from any further relationships.
What you seek is long-term companionship and constancy.
Make that clear from the outset, when the time and person are right.
I would not jump to the conclusion that he's doing this because he does not appreciate the people in his life. It's possible that he does appreciate the people in his life but at the same time he realizes that all of them are currently dying. I would not jump to the conclusion that he's doing this because he is out of his senses or delusional, etc. If you really think about it, when presented with this huge problem, it's quite sensible to try to solve it. For a lot of people, it's impossible to just sit back and ignore it. For a lot of people, simply ignoring it is what is insensible. I think it's more foolish to automatically believe that he is out of his senses and more foolish to believe that he does not appreciate the other people in his life. It's quite possible that it has nothing, at all, to do with any of those things. Of course it's impossible to say why he's really doing this without knowing him personally but it's never wise to jump to conclusions. But of course, it's only natural to feel grief when faced with a loss, nearly everyone does. You should let him go and let him do what he needs to do and wish him well. That is the only way for you to find peace with this, IMO.
One other thought I had is, if he really is going to do this, cleaning ending the relationship is going to be the best thing, for both of you. He isn't going to want to go off to a monastery knowing you are at home waiting for him with open arms. That's a lot to put on someone. It will be enough to tell him he has your blessing and best wishes. If for some reason it does not work out and he seeks you out at a later date, then cross that bridge when you come to it. Leaving an open door, I think, is a mistake. Even if he did go for a time and come back, it'll be a different door he walks through, so no reason to leave the current one open. He'll find his way if that is what he decides. But a clean break is going to allow him to go unfettered, and allow you to continue on unfettered.
As @Karasti says..A clean break is the best solution for everyone. The best you can hope for your current relationship with him is that his monastic hopes don't work out for him.
Boy, just imagine what kind of baggage that will be added to your relationship if he does return from those dashed dreams.
I feel your pain. I've seen plenty of folks right where you are. He is really going from his commitment to you, to a commitment to something else. If he later returns to you, it is really after he's let go of two more commitments and won't that be a recipe for you to wonder who you are really with?
Relationships that are pulling apart are so very painful because they mirror the very conditions that brought our ego's into existence. A past belief in our fundamental separation from love has resulted in a defensive identity that stands us apart from the rest of existence..
All Buddhist practises are really efforts at illuminating the delusion of that separation. The more successful we are at letting go of this delusion, the better lovers we are to anyone we meet.
Best of a meditative solution for you.
Cheers
H