Going out on ones own

Lee82

I'm not a big drinker and don't go out all that much. Now that I am single and getting used to living on my own I'd quite like to be out and around other people sometimes. Friends are busy with their own lives and it seems whenever I am free other people aren't. I'm seriously considering just putting my coat on and going to the pubs on my own. Have never done this before and it's rather daunting but it is either that or spend an evening in on my own, again. When I have the kids with me I don't mind but occasionally I am without them, like tonight, and if I'm not stuck in for other reasons I feel that I would like to go out instead.

Anyone else have experiences or opinions to offer?

BhikkhuJayasara

when you have loving-friendliness for yourself, you can have true loving-friendliness for all beings friend.

I don't go out to pubs and bars and the like, but 9 times out of 10 when I go somewhere I go alone, this includes to the movies and other places where people often feel uncomfortable to go. I am my own best friend and I've spent many many days by myself , with myself, in the woods(i'm a bit of a survivalist and woodsman type, I enjoy being out by myself) and also at the monastery.

find activities and hobbies you like to do and enjoy your time alone in silence. I dunno if drinking alone to george thorogroods " I drink alone" is necessarily healthy hehe.

DaltheJigsaw

Yes, I am in the same situation as you. However, I have a girlfriend, but I need that male companion/connection sometimes. I started going on www.meetup.com and seeing which group interests I have. Once I find that out, I just go to those and it has been great thus far. Try it out and let me know, but in the sense of you going back to the pubs on your own - I suppose that would be a good idea, what do you have to lose?

Dakini

OP, why pubs, if you want to get out on your own? Why not: lectures, movies, art galleries, concerts, bookstores/book readings, etc.? I must be missing something here, maybe hanging out at the neighborhood pub is a guy thing....

Cole_

Jayantha said:

when you have loving-friendliness for yourself, you can have true loving-friendliness for all beings friend.

I don't go out to pubs and bars and the like, but 9 times out of 10 when I go somewhere I go alone, this includes to the movies and other places where people often feel uncomfortable to go. I am my own best friend and I've spent many many days by myself , with myself, in the woods(i'm a bit of a survivalist and woodsman type, I enjoy being out by myself) and also at the monastery.

find activities and hobbies you like to do and enjoy your time alone in silence. I dunno if drinking alone to george thorogroods " I drink alone" is necessarily healthy hehe.

Likewise. My art mentor once said, "I am my own best friend and my own worst enemy." Absolute solitude is rough. I've spent years at a time at a few points in my life with no friends, no girlfriend, no one to really talk to. It helps you learn to be your own best friend much like Jayantha was saying. When all the external elements are temporarily removed, and one is left with nothing more then oneself, one can truly learn about oneself. And to conquer oneself is the greatest victory. These days I hold no feeling tword solitude one way or the other, I know that no matter how alone I may feel at times, that I am never truly alone. The world is always with me, inside my heart. It helps to come on this forum where we can chat with like-minded individuals, and I am grateful such a community exists. If you're ever down, we're all here, all you have to do is reach out.

Ficus_religiosa

Miniature war-gaming! When you're alone and don't feel like being around someone, you paint or practice painting, when you feel like being social you go to the local club and lead your forces to victory (or glorious defeat). When you don't feel like either, you read about the enemy forces and plan your next tactics or find a new unit!
Plus you know what to use all your money on

Cole_

Ficus_religiosa said:

Miniature war-gaming! When you're alone and don't feel like being around someone, you paint or practice painting, when you feel like being social you go to the local club and lead your forces to victory (or glorious defeat). When you don't feel like either, you read about the enemy forces and plan your next tactics or find a new unit!
Plus you know what to use all your money on

Hehe, love this.

BhikkhuJayasara

Ficus_religiosa said:

Miniature war-gaming! When you're alone and don't feel like being around someone, you paint or practice painting, when you feel like being social you go to the local club and lead your forces to victory (or glorious defeat). When you don't feel like either, you read about the enemy forces and plan your next tactics or find a new unit!
Plus you know what to use all your money on

I use to play Warhammer 40k for a time after my wife died .. a 3000 point space alien army sits in a draw in my room, haven't played in years LOL.. but that is a neat hobby for sure.

Lee82

So... I decided I would walk to the pub and sit for a quiet drink or two on my own, nothing to lose (thanks @LeonBasin). As it turned out, I bumped in to a friend of mine and his girlfriend as I walked through the door of the first pub; spent the rest of the evening chatting with them. Just arrived home. Not sure what to make of the whole thing now; thought I was going out and proving to myself that I could go out alone and be happy in my own company around others, but ended up not being. Had the confidence to walk out the door but not quite the night I thought I was going to have.

Cole_

Lee82 said:

So... I decided I would walk to the pub and sit for a quiet drink or two on my own, nothing to lose (thanks @LeonBasin). As it turned out, I bumped in to a friend of mine and his girlfriend as I walked through the door of the first pub; spent the rest of the evening chatting with them. Just arrived home. Not sure what to make of the whole thing now; thought I was going out and proving to myself that I could go out alone and be happy in my own company around others, but ended up not being. Had the confidence to walk out the door but not quite the night I thought I was going to have.

I guess the universe decided you should know that you can find a friend anywhere you look Sounds like you had a nice evening my friend.

Dakini

Lee82 said:

So... I decided I would walk to the pub and sit for a quiet drink or two on my own, nothing to lose (thanks @LeonBasin). As it turned out, I bumped in to a friend of mine and his girlfriend as I walked through the door of the first pub; spent the rest of the evening chatting with them. Just arrived home. Not sure what to make of the whole thing now; thought I was going out and proving to myself that I could go out alone and be happy in my own company around others, but ended up not being. Had the confidence to walk out the door but not quite the night I thought I was going to have.

Count your blessings. Friends are a gift. You'll always have a chance to go out alone. Buddhism is partly about not clinging to expectations re: outcome, and enjoying serendipity.

lobster

The farcebook culture perpetuates the myth of pseudo company.
I no longer go to pubs or bars but rarely it happens. Try people watching from a cafe, a European custom. It is now too much excitement for me but when you can sit and be comfortable on your own, it is amazing how much is going on outside our own little inner world . . .

Cole_

lobster said:

The farcebook culture perpetuates the myth of pseudo company.
I no longer go to pubs or bars but rarely it happens. Try people watching from a cafe, a European custom. It is too now too much excitement for me but when you can sit and be comfortable on your own, it is amazing how much is going on outside our own little inner world . . .

People watching is actually a lot more fun then it might sound! Awesome suggestion @lobster. You can find joy in the joy and simplicity of other's interactions with eachother. I always get a kick out of a sweet older couple who just sincerely enjoy eachother's company. Always tugs those heart-strings hehe.

DairyLama

Lee82 said:

Anyone else have experiences or opinions to offer?

Is there a local Buddhist group?

DairyLama

lobster said:

The farcebook culture perpetuates the myth of pseudo company.

I think facebook is the worst thing since sliced bread.

Cole_

PedanticPorpoise said:

lobster said:

The farcebook culture perpetuates the myth of pseudo company.

I think facebook is the worst thing since sliced bread.

But.. but.. Sliced bread is so good for sandwiches! Hehe.

I deleted my Facebook like last week after 5 years or something of having one. It really helped me let go of a lot of things. Would totally suggest giving it a try to anyone!

BhikkhuJayasara

PedanticPorpoise said:

lobster said:

The farcebook culture perpetuates the myth of pseudo company.

I think facebook is the worst thing since sliced bread.

Facebook, like anything, can be used skillfully and unskillfully. I am on facebook and it is wonderful way for me to keep up with monastics( yes many monastics are on facebook) and fellow dhamma friends from around the globe.

also I own a photography business and have a business page. every one of my friends is a potential customer .

I also have a job in child protective services and I have about 24 co-workers on there, it is great for passing along messages, especially since most everyone these days has a smart phone that tells us when someone posts on facebook.

let us remember that external objects or phenomenon like facebook, guns, etc, are not inherently "bad" or "good".

Cole_

Jayantha said:

PedanticPorpoise said:

lobster said:

The farcebook culture perpetuates the myth of pseudo company.

I think facebook is the worst thing since sliced bread.

let us remember that external objects or phenomenon like facebook, guns, etc, are not inherently "bad" or "good".

True that! I personally wasn't using it very skillfully and it served more as a non productive distraction, so I resolved to delete it hehe. Kind of liking the disconnect for now.

lobster

Facebook, like anything, can be used skillfully and unskillfully

We can use social media to find companions to go for a drink with . . . or a dharma chat . . .
Skilfull means, means being skilfull. I guess we all suspected as much . . .

It is who, how and where we engage. Some people go to dharma centres to meet people. I remember being asked to dinner by a centre visitor. I hopefully tactfully declined. Relationships were not a requirement for me, for some they are . . . We should be honest, sometimes we meet someone. It does not always work in the way we prefer . . .

Celebrity culture promotes the idea that some people are having a 'lotus born' life. Smoke, mirrors, show business shim sham. The people who give are the ones worth drinking with. Find a bar that hospital workers favour . . . come to think of it . . . a big hospital might have quite a good cafe . . .

So many possibilities . . .

DairyLama

Jayantha said:

Facebook, like anything, can be used skillfully and unskillfully.

I'm sure you're right, but a lot of people seem to use facebook in an unskillful way...and don't start me on mobile phones

BhikkhuJayasara

PedanticPorpoise said:

Jayantha said:

Facebook, like anything, can be used skillfully and unskillfully.

I'm sure you're right, but a lot of people seem to use facebook in an unskillful way...and don't start me on mobile phones

look at your statement a lot of "people" "use" facebook in an "unskillful" way..

facebook is not sentient :P.. it is the people's use that matters. Most people do not practice the dhamma so of course they use it unskillfuly.. hell even us dhamma practitioners use it unskillfully sometimes :P

still_learning

I like going to a bar after work and have a drink or two just to relax. I don't necessarily have to go with anyone. I don't even need to talk to anyone. As long as there's a tv for me to stare at so I won't look so weird.

Sometimes it is nice to be out and about on your own instead of a group. It's nice to not have to deal with a group of indecisive people. Or on the other end, overbearing and aggressive people. I can be assertive when I need to, but that would get tiring after a while. Sometimes it's just nice to do whatever I want without clashing with others in a group.

TBH, when I go out alone, I would want to go to art galleries, or to watch an indie film, or browse a bookstore, or shopping for electronics and videogames. Stuff that my friends don't really want to do.

DairyLama

Jayantha said:

facebook is not sentient :P..

I'm not so sure.....
:eek2:

BigD

PedanticPorpoise said:

Jayantha said:

facebook is not sentient :P..

I'm not so sure.....
:eek2:

Me neither. It is Skynet in disguise. Any minute now it will turn hostile and start sending out the terminators....

I've never got the hang of the friendship thing but I do sometimes enjoy people-watching and will happily go to a pub or cafe by myself - but I always make sure I take a book so I don't feel so self-conscious.

music

Jayantha said:

facebook is not sentient

Neither are most Facebook users, I suspect.

Lee82

What are peoples views about going on holiday alone?

My birthday is coming up in March and I would like to go somewhere for a couple of days, only I don't know where or who with. I could go on my own and see the sights in some City somewhere or spend the time in isolation out in the middle of nowhere. I feel with a short break it would be good to share that experience with someone and that something would be missing if I went alone. If I experience something amazing I would like to talk about it and discuss it but there is nobody there to turn to.

BhikkhuJayasara

I went to New Zealand, a 23 hour plane flight from east coast USA, 10 days.. all by myself does that answer your question?

Lee82

Jayantha said:

I went to New Zealand, a 23 hour plane flight from east coast USA, 10 days.. all by myself does that answer your question?

Not really because you didn't tell me anything about how that worked out for you...

BhikkhuJayasara

Lee82 said:

Jayantha said:

I went to New Zealand, a 23 hour plane flight from east coast USA, 10 days.. all by myself does that answer your question?

Not really because you didn't tell me anything about how that worked out for you...

it worked great! it was an amazing experience and I met lots of new people. I went to burger bars and places to eat and to shop and I was taken on as "the american".. which in some places makes you awesome.. and some places dead meat LOL.

Lee82

That sounds eventful! I can imagine I would enjoy it but also like there would be something missing. I can also imagine thinking how brilliant it is and then going off travelling somewhere every few weeks just because I can and it gives me time by myself. I guess if I never try it I will never know.

BhikkhuJayasara

There are pros and cons to being by yourself and being with others. The best thing about being by yourself is that you are on your own schedule and do what you want to do.. don't have to worry about any issues related to other people.. this goes for everything in life, not just trips :P

robot

Lee82 said:

What are peoples views about going on holiday alone?

My birthday is coming up in March and I would like to go somewhere for a couple of days, only I don't know where or who with. I could go on my own and see the sights in some City somewhere or spend the time in isolation out in the middle of nowhere. I feel with a short break it would be good to share that experience with someone and that something would be missing if I went alone. If I experience something amazing I would like to talk about it and discuss it but there is nobody there to turn to.

I am currently 8 days into a motorbike tour of northwest Thailand. I am alone. People I know who might have the time aren't interested or don't have the skills to take a ride like this. It would be nice to have company, but I can't hold off till someone comes along or it might never happen for me.
I have been sharing some photos on Facebook and by message and email. It is very easy to stay in touch these days. People seem to like a few photos now and then. It spares them a lengthy and boring display when I get back.
Book yourself a ticket to someplace and see what happens. Someone might decide to join you, or better still, you might meet someone new when you arrive. Someone with similar interests.

BigD

Jayantha said:

There are pros and cons to being by yourself and being with others. The best thing about being by yourself is that you are on your own schedule and do what you want to do.. don't have to worry about any issues related to other people.. this goes for everything in life, not just trips :P

My feelings too. My holidays are usually solitary as it is much more relaxing if you are not worrying about someone else. This year my wife and I had our first long holiday together in celebration of our 25th anniversary. It was nice to have her there to share things with. It was different but not necessarily 'better'.

I used to be very puzzled by my two (then) single colleagues who always refused to go on holiday when they had no one to go with.

caz

The best holiday is a meditation retreat !

DairyLama

caz said:

The best holiday is a meditation retreat !

And vice versa!

BhikkhuJayasara

caz said:

The best holiday is a meditation retreat !

hahah! tis an indication of the validity of the practice.. 5 years ago a vacation was going out of the country on an adventure for me.. now it's a week at the forest monastery.

I haven't had a "true" vacation from work since 2008 when I went to NZ.. but I'm doing just fine mentally and physically as I go to the forest monastery on average once every other month for a retreat or just to visit for a 4 day weekend.

footiam

Lee82 said:

I'm not a big drinker and don't go out all that much. Now that I am single and getting used to living on my own I'd quite like to be out and around other people sometimes. Friends are busy with their own lives and it seems whenever I am free other people aren't. I'm seriously considering just putting my coat on and going to the pubs on my own. Have never done this before and it's rather daunting but it is either that or spend an evening in on my own, again. When I have the kids with me I don't mind but occasionally I am without them, like tonight, and if I'm not stuck in for other reasons I feel that I would like to go out instead.

Anyone else have experiences or opinions to offer?

I have experiences like this and at times, I wish I was born with a twin. Even then, I wonder if my twin would like to spend the night out with me or alone by himself.

Dakini

Lee82 said:

What are peoples views about going on holiday alone?

My birthday is coming up in March and I would like to go somewhere for a couple of days, only I don't know where or who with. I could go on my own and see the sights in some City somewhere or spend the time in isolation out in the middle of nowhere. I feel with a short break it would be good to share that experience with someone and that something would be missing if I went alone. If I experience something amazing I would like to talk about it and discuss it but there is nobody there to turn to.

This is your mind setting you up for suffering. Telling you the picture will be incomplete without another person to share with. You could just as easily be enjoying the anticipation of time off, the planning of it, and looking forward to seeing new things, or to the relaxation of quiet time in nature, or whatever you choose. You could be seeing the glass as full, instead of half-empty, and focussing on the empty part.

In my experience, most people who aren't married don't have a choice about going on holiday alone. They accept that reality, and are grateful to have the opportunity to travel and enjoy the world. There's much to be grateful for, in your situation. Whether you choose to focus on that, or on what's missing in your life, is a choice. Joy is just around the corner. All you have to do is get to that corner.