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Diseased
NomaDBuddha
Scalpel wielder :) Bucharest Veteran
No, I'm not affected physically, I'm affected mentally. I don't know how, but, no matter how much effort I put in studying these days, my results are beginning to come up disastrous. I have talked to people openly ( which is a great change, since I don't really talk to people in this style) about this problem, and all said that I shouldn't really give a damn about some exams , and that I should start focusing on the 'brighter' side of life, like...don't know, admiring the trees on a winter morning ( it's a made up example). I try to do this. But, when I see how much pressure parents put on me to be a straight A's student, and how much effort I have to put to maintain this image ( yes, I am considered a straight A's student in my college, because I know a lot that my colleagues don't) , I feel like I'm collapsing, and the will to study (it's the main problem in this 'affliction' of mine) just doesn't exist anymore. And...as a result, I kind of got myself depressed, angry, and really not happy about my life right now.
Somehow, over this semester I began to hate everyone that was, or seemed to be, simply happier than me ( I mean, everybody I see on the street). I began hating myself for not being happy, for giving too much credit for a failure that will be repaired. Also, I know that the answer is to deal with it myself, but I feel like I'm going nowhere. I want to change , but there is something that lacks.
What do I lack ? And how can I find an exit out of this problem ?
Somehow, over this semester I began to hate everyone that was, or seemed to be, simply happier than me ( I mean, everybody I see on the street). I began hating myself for not being happy, for giving too much credit for a failure that will be repaired. Also, I know that the answer is to deal with it myself, but I feel like I'm going nowhere. I want to change , but there is something that lacks.
What do I lack ? And how can I find an exit out of this problem ?
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Comments
I stated something like this in another thread.....The only help I can offer is for you to ask some questions even though they are silly and obvious. Take time everyday when you can and ask your self, who am I? am I my body? my feelings? my thoughts? my anger? my sadness? even my happiness? am I the A's I make in school? am I my interests?....you will see the answer to all of these are "NO"
So I am not by anymeans trying to downplay what you are going through. There is suffering there, but you are not that suffering just as much as you are not any of those other things on the list.
What I am getting at, is however much this works or not for you, you have to find someway that works to start letting go of these thoughts. Look at yourself from 2 views...big and small.....the small self is your ego telling you all kinds of things...like "Look at those happy people, does it not make you angry to see them this way when you are not?" The ego will pretend to be your friend but its only telling lies and making you suffer. So take time out everyday to just sit and watch your breath...and when ego tells you bullshit, just smile and think "My true self knows this is just an illusion, Im sorry ego but I know you are not real"...and watch it peacefully desolve like a snowflake that hits water.
Peace and happiness to you.
Do you need the perfect grades in order to maintain qualification for government subsidy of your studies? If not, allow yourself to let go of the perfectionism. Study because you want to learn, not because of parents, or self-image. Knowing the material is a good thing. This will pay off when you get a job helping minimize suffering for animals. Your "patients" will need you to know your stuff. The better you know the material, the more confident you'll be. The motivation is intrinsic, not extrinsic.
Parents often push for the wrong things because they think they are the right things. What they really want, is you to be happy. For them, they think you will be more happy if you get great grades and thus have more opportunity afforded to you in the career market. They love you and want better for you, and think they know the way for you to get it. That doesn't mean they do. You should be honest with them, have a quiet and heartfelt conversation with them about it. Tell them the pressure you are under because of their expectations. Most parents do not want to feel they are putting that sort of pressure on their children, so much that it makes them unwell. Be honest with them. And do what makes you happy.
Leave home for a bit.
Go have an adventure.
Get a job washing dishes somewhere exotic
Or at least take a year off to travel or bum around the country.
Investigate Work-Exchange or Wwoofing
The university credits you already have won't expire, come back to it later.
This is what I'm trying to do. Changing my life. I want to leave home and wander around, but, studying medicine requires me to be 'stuck' in an awkward position, in which I am now. I want to take a year off, but it means to restart the whole medicine thing ( I'm not referring to the vet school ), but to what I've gained so far as experience.
@karasti
Yes, I do want to begin my life independent of my parents, and slowly build it the way it makes me happy. Also, I had that kind of talk with my parents explaining that when it's time to learn something, I learn something, and when I want to have fun and feel good ( nowadays, Minecraft makes me happy and for this thing, I'm getting into stupid and unnecessary arguments with my parents) I just play on the computer ( on weekends mostly; also, I tend to go out with my g.f. and also friends, but this happens not so often, due to the fact that I live far away from them and can't afford to waste money on transport). After that kind of a talk, they told me that the only thing I should care about is studying, and that I'm not doing it , that I'm lazy because I don't do anything at all even around the house ( they don't even call me when I'm really needed). Which, is false. They know I do clinic hours at my vet school ( second year students don't have clinic hours in their program; nobody from my year goes to the clinic to learn; I took the chance, I practice medicine), and still tell me that I'm lazy and so on. As a 'parthian shot' I told them that when the pet owner arrives in front of me with his sick animal, he won't ask me how well I studied...pathophysiology; it would tell me to heal his pet.
The intellect is a wonderful tool, but it is not quite wonderful enough to speak the truth about the reality around us. Even as simple a function as a sneeze can outwit the 'mind' to which Vivekananda referred. Where does that mind go in the midst of a sneeze? Check it out ... no one can sneeze and think simultaneously, so where does the intellect go and what is it that replaces it?
A meditation practice can help put a person on the track of the good master, not the almost-but-not-quite-true intellect or the convincing-but-inaccurate world of emotion. The good master (to use a metaphor ... not create some new and improved god) is capable of the kind of peace the intellect can never find. The good master does not disdain the good servant, but the good master also declines to be ruled by that servant.
Meditation is a good tool, but it does require patience and determination. Try it ... see what actually happens.