Welcome home! Please contact lincoln@icrontic.com if you have any difficulty logging in or using the site. New registrations must be manually approved which may take several days. Can't log in? Try clearing your browser's cookies.
How I "failed" in Buddhism last night
shadowleaver
Veteran
My wife and I are in our early 30's. In the last couple of years we have been becoming more and more aware of our aging. Only yesterday, it seems, it felt like we had eternity ahead of us and only sky was the limit. Only yesterday it felt like there wasn't a thing in the world that we had no time to try. Now there is the ever more nagging realization that 40, and even 50 is not that far ahead. And then...getting sicker and sicker, weaker and weaker, followed by The Grave. The changes in the generation of our parents serve as an unambiguous survelliance camera into the near future.
So yesterday we expressed our feelings to each other about the matter and my wife seemed pretty anxious about the whole thing. And suddenly, I totally freaked out. I was scared. It was like being hit by a brick wall. I just didn't want to deal with *the thing*, I just wanted to swipe it under the rug. So in a very un-Buddhist fashion, I just drowned in the Web, surfing compulsively, trying not to think, trying to forget. Uneasy and exhausted, I fell into slumber.
Ironically, just a few hours before that, I was making confident posts on this very forum. I had a rewarding meditation session and had this feeling that I figured something out, that I was ready to give advice. I felt wise, until that gentle reminder that I'm about 40% through with the business of living, and probably 60% through with the business of living fully, relatively unincumbered by this body (if I'm lucky). My recent confidence and illusion of wisdom evaporated. I couldn't handle a basic fact of life with any composure.
...But it was precisely that fact that motivated Buddha to begin with. That's where his path begins. This whole Buddhism thing is precisely about coming to terms with decay in us and around us. That's where the rubber hits the road-- when you look at yourself in the mirror, look and others, and can hold the fact that it'll all get wrinkled and then decay. Everything else is folly, fun and games. And so last night it became clear to me that I haven't achieved much on the Buddhist path. The *real* practice is yet to start and last night showed a little glimpse of just what is involved.
So yesterday we expressed our feelings to each other about the matter and my wife seemed pretty anxious about the whole thing. And suddenly, I totally freaked out. I was scared. It was like being hit by a brick wall. I just didn't want to deal with *the thing*, I just wanted to swipe it under the rug. So in a very un-Buddhist fashion, I just drowned in the Web, surfing compulsively, trying not to think, trying to forget. Uneasy and exhausted, I fell into slumber.
Ironically, just a few hours before that, I was making confident posts on this very forum. I had a rewarding meditation session and had this feeling that I figured something out, that I was ready to give advice. I felt wise, until that gentle reminder that I'm about 40% through with the business of living, and probably 60% through with the business of living fully, relatively unincumbered by this body (if I'm lucky). My recent confidence and illusion of wisdom evaporated. I couldn't handle a basic fact of life with any composure.
...But it was precisely that fact that motivated Buddha to begin with. That's where his path begins. This whole Buddhism thing is precisely about coming to terms with decay in us and around us. That's where the rubber hits the road-- when you look at yourself in the mirror, look and others, and can hold the fact that it'll all get wrinkled and then decay. Everything else is folly, fun and games. And so last night it became clear to me that I haven't achieved much on the Buddhist path. The *real* practice is yet to start and last night showed a little glimpse of just what is involved.
5
Comments
I'm the same age(35 in April). Sounds like the great intoxication of youth has been shattered for you and you had a little breakdown. this is a good thing because many don't begin to let that go until later in life, especially these days where 60 is the new 40.
The Buddha said that there are these 5 things( remembrances) that should be contemplated often-
I am subject to old Age, have not gone beyond old age.
I am subject to sickness, have not gone beyond sickness
I am subject to death, have not gone beyond death.
All that is dear to me I will one day be separated from
I am the owner of my actions, whatever I do for good or I'll, to that I will fall heir.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Here_We_Go_(football_chant)
. . . Ever thought of becoming a Buddha? That is the ultimate 'game'. What fun.
What is the plan? Good companions? Centring life in Dharma? Is it time to stop playing at walking the Middle Way? Time to become The Middle Way? Let's go for it . . . :clap:
I'd say you're doing alright - sounds like you're determined to meet matters head on - what else could progress be if it weren't this?
You are practicing the "real practice" right now. Your understanding is self evident, you are being mindful and aware. Maybe aware that your clinging the night before was counter productive. Letting go of the idea of some sort of perfection or a conceptual goal to attain would be helpful. We will always err in what we do, so we realize our errors, forgive ourselves and keep going.
I like this short poem from Rumi:
Longing:
Longing is the core of mystery.
Longing itself brings the cure.
The only rule is, Suffer the pain.
Your desire must be disciplined,
and what you want to happen
in time, sacrificed.
This is sometimes refered to as Practising for practise sake.
Attachment and suffering can be an expectation that there is something identifiable as us that can really possess an understanding. Beyond this, an identity really starts to look ethereal.
. . . Here we go. Here we go. Here we go . . .
Nowhere to go? Already on the 'far shore'?
I taught, I thaw
A Buddha Cat
a cweeping up on me . . .
I did. I did. I did see a buddha cat . . .
Serious? Not serious?
. . . Seriously?
However, @shadowleaver, you and the rest of the people contributing on this thread seem to have dived so deep that I may have to rethink my position.
And how you live today, can have far, far more of an impact on how well you age than we are generally lead to believe. Take the very best care of yourself as you can today, right now. It's all you can do. But if you can do it over and over again, the rewards, should you escape the hazards of everyday life, include a less diseased, less disabled and less uncomfortable aging process.
Life can be pretty scary at times. Resistance is futile. As a matter of fact, the more we resist, the more it hurts.
At age 63 I'm a little closer to my death than you are. Just life in the present, dear. Observe and be mindful of all that goes on within yourself .. the pride, the fear, the attachments and aversions.
A religious leader can simply repeat something and it will become more meaningful.
It is the deathless - though you die, if you have wisdom it is as if you don't die. Not dying, not being born. That's where things can be finished. Being born and wishing for happiness and enjoyment without dying is not the correct way at all. But that's what people want, so there is no end of suffering for them. The practitioner of Dhamma does not suffer. Well, practitioners such as ordinary monks still suffer, because they haven't yet fulfilled the path of practice. They haven't realized amatadhamma, so they still suffer. They are still subject to death.
Amatadhamma is the deathless. Born of the womb, can we avoid death? Apart from realizing that there is no real self, there is no way to avoid death. ''I'' don't die; sankhāras undergo transformation, following their nature.
If you were to violate the law of the land and be sentenced to death, you would certainly be most distressed. Meditation on death is recollecting that death is going to take us and that it could be very soon. But you don't think about it, so you feel you are living comfortably. If you do think about it, it will cause you to have devotion to the practice of Dhamma. So the Buddha taught us to practice the recollection of death regularly. Those who don't recollect it live with fear. They don't know themselves. But if you do recollect and are aware of yourself, it will lead you to want to practise Dhamma seriously and escape from this danger.
If you are aware of this death sentence, you will want to find a solution. Generally, people don't like to hear such talk. Doesn't that mean they are far from the true Dhamma? The Buddha urged us to recollect death, but people get upset by such talk. That's the kamma of beings. They do have some knowledge of this fact, but the knowledge isn't yet clear.
Ajahn Chah
I seem to remember that the Buddha warn us against becoming gods since then we will not have the immediate proximity of death to motivate our practice and complacency sets in.