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Advice for helping a friend
Bunks
Australia Veteran
A girl I went to school with has been diagnosed with terminal breast cancer.
I have been able to (along with many others) donate some money to help her family but I wonder if anyone can give me some advice on some wise words or actions I can undertake in order to help her in this time of need?
Thanks!
I have been able to (along with many others) donate some money to help her family but I wonder if anyone can give me some advice on some wise words or actions I can undertake in order to help her in this time of need?
Thanks!
0
Comments
I have lost some good friends and I try to send them good vibes from time to time. Sometimes I dream of them and usually they are very happy. Cancer is tragic and it is a humbling reminder of just how precious life is. May your friend find peace.
Terminal illness or not, today could be your last day. Smile and forgive. Brief is our time.
Sometimes I think if one can't think of something to say, maybe nothing needs to be said. No real need to give "wise words," as they're probably getting an earful of that anyway.
As for actions, I think just being a friend (assuming that you're close enough friends) is good enough. Listen when they need to be listened to, help when they ask for help. In my experience, people who face death or disability abhor what can be perceived as pity or coddling; so I wouldn't try too hard to be helpful, or they may take it the wrong way.
If she is a Christian, then support her in her faith that she will be with God, so that she may pass in peace. If her state of mind at the point of death is at peace, I hope she will have a good rebirth.
Don't treat her any differently. Support is good in whatever way you can help that she and/or her family requests. But if you have not spent a lot of time with her, don't just start showing up to spend time with her, for example. As someone else mentioned, people in such positions generally don't like people pitying them, and if you suddenly start doing things out of character for yourself, or for your relationship, she likely will be left asking herself "where was he when I wasn't dying?"
Often times when we find out someone we know or care for is sick, we find we have a need to do something to make ourselves feel better about it. It's not always easy to know the difference, for sure. But generally speaking, not knowing your friend, people who are very ill and dying like to be reminded that they are still the same person they have always been. Talk to them the same way, don't baby them, don't do and say things that don't come naturally. And respect her wishes. If I were in the position I personally would want to spend whatever time I had left with those closest to me and getting everything in order, not taking calls and visits from people I haven't seen in 20 years, or only see once a year at a holiday party or whatever. Often it is best simply to ask if she needs anything, and listen to what she says.
And I don't think that reminding an adult woman that "everyone dies" is really necessary. People who are ill and dying tend to have a better understanding of that than the rest of us and don't generally need to be told. I also would avoid (unless you know she is ok with it) offering any sort of spiritual advice. It's not the time to tell someone how to think and live unless they specifically ask or you have that sort of close relationship. That is the job of spiritual advisers and close family. IMO anyhow.
Edited: you can also practice Tonglen for her. Even if you aren't of Tibetan school, the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying has some really good stuff on illness and the death process. I started reading it when my grandma was very ill and it was a very good book to read at the time.
Keep in contact with her, only talk about her cancer if she brings it up (but do feel free to ask her how she's doing).
Offer practical assistance as when see it being appropriate, whether it's house-cleaning or cooking when she's feeling poorly, or offering to drive her to treatments.
Live from your heart.
As for Buddhism, I recently asked my own lama what I could do for my step-son who was dying (age 38) of cancer. The lama said just be warm and supporting .. help both the step-son and anyone who cares about him, as best you can.
I asked if the doing the Medicine Buddha puja or Tonglen would help the step-son, and the lama looked at me so gently and sadly and said, "No .. those only help yourself".
Yet, anytime we are faced with sorrow for another, this is good for our compassion practice. So both the Medicine Buddha and Tonglen practices are worthwhile ... just not useful in the way we Westerners think they might be.
:om:
@Bunks I am sorry to hear about your friend's ill fate. I can not at this time, think of anything to say that would be of great assistance that has not already been said. With that, I will aid you in saying that, maybe you could ask an ordained member for guidance. You could also try asking one of the many Buddha's or Bodhisattva's.
When someone at my work loses someone/gets
breast cancer diag.,etc....everyone
crowds around and asks 1500 questions and I notice
that's all they mention for a few days and weeks, repeating
all the details.....wrapped in concern, yes. But the person
usually ends up in my cube listening to my dirty jokes
and cussing...hahaha. They say it's nice to think about
other things other than being sick. I make an effort to tell
long stories about nothing.
Not saying that's what your doing....Sometimes we just want to
act normal and fake the funk. Live while dying.
Does that make sense?
that is all you can do