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How I Have Applied Self-Mercy
nenkohai
Veteran
I also participate in a forum dedicated to peer-to-peer depression support. On that forum, I have mentioned in the past how my Buddhist-approach has been of major benefit in depression management. One person asked for more information about how I do that... what follows is my response:
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I should have stated out front that my Buddhist approach to depression does not rid me of depression. I still struggle. Its my approach to the struggle that has changed.
Before I go further, I want to say, this approach to depression, for me, has been at least as good as any medication Ive been on or tried.
Okay, what I describe here is my experience and may not work well for you or anyone... but...
I do apply mindfulness... to my mind and my thoughts - how they originate and where they want to go. But, my mind is at best, a creature of habit (if you will); at worst it can be a jerk (sometimes).
For me, depression kind of blooms in my mind. Its a yucky "thing." And my habit is to assign this thing to a track of thought (thereby creating a train that invariably feeds the depression itself). It is, for all intents and purposes, an effect looking for a cause.
So my mind is rather frantic in trying to find just why the hell I'm getting depressed. My mind spews on things like: "oh, thats right, I'm just a bad person" or "I can't love correctly," or "I really screwed up X, Y or Z... ." That list is endless. And my mind can make shit up so I can assign this new bloom of depression to it. And its moving a warp-speed the whole time.
Using mindfulness, I recognize this ugly bloom in my mind. And I know what it wants. It WANTS to get on the track and be the train, because that is what it has done for years and years. The track is SO well worn and familiar. Its just so....damn.....easy to put the bloom on the track and send it on its way. Easy. So easy. And its habitual.
Breaking bad habits are a bitch. BUT, when you are cognizant of what you're working towards, its not so SO bad...
I call the following process in me "mercy," because I am allowing myself mercy. Mercy, because I know allowing the bloom to "track" will put me in a bad place...
Okay, so a bloom arises. My first reaction is "shit, here we go again!"
But then, I gently say to myself, "wait." And for me, that frantic mind track-searching goes into extreme slow-motion, because, I can "see" the bloom. I know it is there, in my mind. By saying to the bloom, "I see you," I've begun to disarm it.
My internal dialog goes something like: "I see you. And I know what you want. You want to get on that track and go find as many causes as you can. I'm not going to let you do that, because I know where this otherwise gets me. I won't allow it."
So, the bloom is there. And it stays put. No tracking. I said "no."
Ahhh. but what to do with the bloom, right?
Mindfulness. And compassion. Greet this pain with compassion for yourself... "you may move along now," is what I tell the now neutered bloom. And in my mind's eye, I allow it to "tumbleweed" down the road. And out of sight.
Now, this may not mean that the depressive bloom has just evaporated at this point. But, it will, as long as I do not allow it onto a track. If I isolate it as an event unto itself, with no thought object cause, it will evaporate eventually. Minutes, maybe hours. But it will evaporate.
Okay, whew. Long process there!! I hope... so hope this makes some sense, Dibs. I hope so.
and just to say again - this stuff is what works for me. I'm not a doc or a guru or a teacher... it just helps my situation.
Best,
NK
--
I should have stated out front that my Buddhist approach to depression does not rid me of depression. I still struggle. Its my approach to the struggle that has changed.
Before I go further, I want to say, this approach to depression, for me, has been at least as good as any medication Ive been on or tried.
Okay, what I describe here is my experience and may not work well for you or anyone... but...
I do apply mindfulness... to my mind and my thoughts - how they originate and where they want to go. But, my mind is at best, a creature of habit (if you will); at worst it can be a jerk (sometimes).
For me, depression kind of blooms in my mind. Its a yucky "thing." And my habit is to assign this thing to a track of thought (thereby creating a train that invariably feeds the depression itself). It is, for all intents and purposes, an effect looking for a cause.
So my mind is rather frantic in trying to find just why the hell I'm getting depressed. My mind spews on things like: "oh, thats right, I'm just a bad person" or "I can't love correctly," or "I really screwed up X, Y or Z... ." That list is endless. And my mind can make shit up so I can assign this new bloom of depression to it. And its moving a warp-speed the whole time.
Using mindfulness, I recognize this ugly bloom in my mind. And I know what it wants. It WANTS to get on the track and be the train, because that is what it has done for years and years. The track is SO well worn and familiar. Its just so....damn.....easy to put the bloom on the track and send it on its way. Easy. So easy. And its habitual.
Breaking bad habits are a bitch. BUT, when you are cognizant of what you're working towards, its not so SO bad...
I call the following process in me "mercy," because I am allowing myself mercy. Mercy, because I know allowing the bloom to "track" will put me in a bad place...
Okay, so a bloom arises. My first reaction is "shit, here we go again!"
But then, I gently say to myself, "wait." And for me, that frantic mind track-searching goes into extreme slow-motion, because, I can "see" the bloom. I know it is there, in my mind. By saying to the bloom, "I see you," I've begun to disarm it.
My internal dialog goes something like: "I see you. And I know what you want. You want to get on that track and go find as many causes as you can. I'm not going to let you do that, because I know where this otherwise gets me. I won't allow it."
So, the bloom is there. And it stays put. No tracking. I said "no."
Ahhh. but what to do with the bloom, right?
Mindfulness. And compassion. Greet this pain with compassion for yourself... "you may move along now," is what I tell the now neutered bloom. And in my mind's eye, I allow it to "tumbleweed" down the road. And out of sight.
Now, this may not mean that the depressive bloom has just evaporated at this point. But, it will, as long as I do not allow it onto a track. If I isolate it as an event unto itself, with no thought object cause, it will evaporate eventually. Minutes, maybe hours. But it will evaporate.
Okay, whew. Long process there!! I hope... so hope this makes some sense, Dibs. I hope so.
and just to say again - this stuff is what works for me. I'm not a doc or a guru or a teacher... it just helps my situation.
Best,
NK
5
Comments
A lot of us are very kind to others but are we merciful towards ourself?
Our self may be kind, alcoholic, horrible, stupid, crazy, wise, depressed and ultimately clear of these conditions. It may vary between these or other qualities that we deem 'negative', unwholesome and dukkha.
It is almost as if the very impediments are the impetus for practice.
Afflictions are our friends. Be kind to them.
:wave: