What is truly meant by the precept of sexual misconduct?

Kelsang_Tsering

as a novice Buddhist lay practitioner The precepts of No killing. No stealing No lying and No intoxicants seem more and quite straight forward to understand.

But then comes the precept of sexual misconduct. When we talk about sexual misconduct what is really meant by this precept?

I am aware that having an affairs is or could be classed as sexual misconduct if your in a relationship and having sexual intercourse with someone else with out your partner knowing is wide open to be classed as sexual misconduct.

But what if you have an open relationship, and both you and your partner agree that this is ok. Would this be classed as sexual misconduct?

And what if your in a Polyamory (3 or more people in a loving sexual relationship) would this be defined as sexual misconduct or not?

Is masturbation classed as sexual Misconduct? And what if your single but then choose to have sexual relations with several other people.

I know that these precept are there to help and guide us in to a better and more effective way of life but they do seem quite open to interpretation, are there any full guidance on what each of them mean?

person

There are differences between different schools and cultures in interpretation.

What they all agree on at a base level is that abusive or coercive sexuality is considered misconduct.

If you really want to get into the weeds check out this talk (audio and written versions) by Alexander Berzin http://www.berzinarchives.com/web/en/archives/sutra/level2_lamrim/initial_scope/karma/buddhist_view_sexual_ethics/transcript.html

He also has other talks on sex in Buddhism. In general he is a great resource for the details of Buddhist teachings with an emphasis in Tibetan Buddhism.

karasti

My understanding was that it mostly entails not using sex of any sort to cause mental or physical harm to any one (including yourself). If you are single and choose to have sex with multiple partners, for many people this is harmful to them even if they do not want to see it. Even if they are cautious, they are giving in repeatedly to sexual desire without the emotional connection.

I always liked the way that Thich Nhat Hahn explained it in his Five Mindfulness Trainings:
Aware of the suffering caused by sexual misconduct, I vow to cultivate responsibility and learn ways to protect the safety and integrity of individuals, couples, families and society. I am determined not to engage in sexual relations without love and a long-term commitment. To preserve the happiness of myself and others, I am determined to respect my commitments and the commitments of others. I will do everything in my power to protect children from sexual abuse and to prevent couples and families from being broken by sexual misconduct.

As far as the sutras I only recall that specifically adultery was mentioned but I'm sure other sutras (and those who study them better than I do) will know details from others.

John_Spencer

I think that the definition of misconduct in the sexual arena is the same as misconduct in any other arena - it is truthful, helpful, compassionate, wise etc?

It's just that the sexual arena is a particularly powerful source of both greed and hatred and can be a strong distraction for us.

I read the Buddha once said 'If a man could devote as much energy to contemplating the Truth as he did to contemplating sex he would become Enlightened in a single lifetime".

Enigma

In terms of suttas, this excerpt from the Anguttara Nikaya explains sexual misconduct rather exhaustively.

"One conducts oneself wrongly in matters of sex;
one has intercourse with those under the protection of father, mother, brother, sister, relatives or clan, or of their religious community;
or with those promised to someone else,
protected by law,
and even with those betrothed with a garland"

(Book of Tens, Anguttara Nikaya, X, 206).

Generally, this can be taken to apply to minors (those under the protection of family), monks/nuns (those who have taken vows of celibacy), anyone unable to give consent including the severely incapacitated/mentally ill (protected by law), and those committed to another (whether married, engaged, or in a mutually agreed upon monogamous relationship).

More broadly, the precept recommends to do no harm to self or others.

fivebells

The main practical value of the precepts is that they help you avoid complicating your life with unnecessary drama. Just don't get into relationships which create unnecessary drama. Personally, I can't imagine an open/polyamorous relationship which doesn't create unnecesary drama, but some people tell me they can do that. If you have a track record of peaceful, loving polyamorous relationships which don't devolve into jealous rancor or otherwise involve distracting conflict then pragmatically speaking, they may even be an aid to your practice. If your monogamous relationships tend to involve distracting conflict, might be better to stay out of relationships altogether for the time being.

In terms of the precept, masturbation is not misconduct. It is probably counterproductive, though.

There is no full guidance to the precepts. Even the most detailed prescriptions would leave lots of room for judgement or rationalization.

SillyPutty

I've asked myself this question as well. It seems to be outlined as such that anything sexual equates to desire, and the purpose of the precept is to develop self-control and true compassion by not staying attached to the sexual pleasure of intercourse or even masturbation. It's very hard, obviously, considered that we are basically animals and what animals do basically consists of fighting to survive and procreation. It's our inherent nature to want to have sex and spread the seed around as much as possible. Then to top it off, it (most of the time) feels good. However, it's all temporary. And then there are some who have sexual addictions and regular sex after a while is no longer satisfying, which then leads to much more harmful, devious behaviors which increase the desire for it.

Therefore, I think the main goal is to eventually have everyone reincarnate to a life of a monk or a nun, which would make sense considering that if the ultimate goal is enlightenment, and no more life should be left on this earth, that would mean no more procreation either. But until then, if you are in a relationship, whether it be married or not, do not harm your partner or yourself. Basically do unto others as you would have done unto you. I cannot speak for those in open relationships. I feel as if anything I would say would only come off as judgmental in nature, because I personally feel that you can only truly be lovingly focused on one relationship at a time-- the extra relationships are there to fulfill excess desires of sort. And as for masturbation, again, there comes a time where it is hoped that we will overcome our earthly senses and desires and be able to renunciation them in order to gain something much better, which is enlightenment.

But don't put so much pressure on yourself right now. If your heart and mind are not at that point yet (which most of us are not!), take it bit by bit. If you take refuge but slip up, just try again. That's the best anyone can do. We have many, many lifetimes to get it right. If you don't conquer the desires this lifetime, there's always one in the future where you can try it again.

person

@SillyPutty There are also 8 precepts which are taken by lay Buddhists on holy days or when one wishes to follow the Dharma more rigorously such as when on retreat. In them, besides adding 3 additional precepts the precepts against sexual misconduct is changed to refraining from all sexual activity.

That distinction, I think, shows that the normal precept against sexual misconduct is really only about ahimsa and helps the lay practitioner engage in healthy sexual relations.

Of course craving for sex is an obstacle to enlightenment and is eventually to be abandoned on the path. So you are right about your main point about sex, its just more than the third precept entails.

karasti

I know a lady who has been in a successful poly relationship for many years, her and her legal husband have a child together and the other man lives with them. It's not a situation that I could imagine would work for most people, but it's worked for them for a very long time. To each their own. I do think (from what I have heard from her, and from others who have at least dabbled in it) it really is based on getting your needs met by 2 different people. One can't provide them all so 2 is better (so they have told me). Seeing as one should never look to someone else to fulfill their needs anyhow, it seems like adding more people to the mix only seeks to distract the person away from having to fulfill their own needs, but, it's not my life.

I'm on the fence about the whole craving thing. If you have a sexual relationship, does it mean you are craving sex? I don't feel that I crave it in any sense, and beyond a few teenage years, I never really have. I enjoy it when it happens, but it's not in any sense a focus of our relationship nor is it something I desire or wish for or something on any sort of regular basis.