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It should have been joyous !
Well after 25 years apart I recently met my biological father. Turned out he was drafted and spent some time in Vietnam as an army sniper. Went thru a spell of alcoholism and then found his way back thanks to god and the church. It is great for him ... and I am glad it worked out. However, he is already about to lose his son once again by my own choice. I am absolutely fed up with his constant barrage about the bible and Christ. I have told him several times I follow the teachings of Buddha. The typical result is a plethora of misconceptions about idolitry .. or the latest about Buddha being a Chinese prince entombed in China ... Christ's tomb is empty ! It's like dealing with a brain washed maniac who is just itching to drink the cool aid. There is just no reasoning with him on a diplomatic level. He is so adamant that the bible is god's word and that I will be left behind come the rapture. Even the book of Matthew won't get him to shut up, it's like he doesn't even hear what I say! I am not against Christianity or any other faiths, usually if there are people praying I simply bow my head in a respectful manner. But I just don't have the tolerance for a religious zealot in my life who hasn't spent a day learning about other faiths of the world. His only experience with Buddhism is burning temples in Vietnam where the "enemy" was hiding. It does make me happy to know that this fanatical mentally in the family will stop with me. Does anyone have a better suggestion for dealing with this? I always have to swallow my reaction of wanting to persecute in turn just to have them choke on their own medicine.
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As far as advice on how to handle this differently is concerned, I unfortunately don't have a lot of advice. Most importantly, don't let yourself be the victim of his religious abuse. Visit him if you can, but leave as soon as the tone becomes aggressive. Tell him that you understand he feels very strongly about this subject, but that you simply can't handle such abuse. Tell him how to get a hold of you, when he's ready to have a two-way conversation (not a monologue), and just leave calmly. Perhaps you could ask him whether he would ever like to actually get to know the son that he abused and/or neglected through alcoholism, or whether he would like to simply continue his abuse & neglect in through his religion.
Also, as a buddhist, this is an excellent opportunity to observe what feelings & thoughts he arouses in you. Perhaps with enough reflection you may find the roots of many of these reactions. This will bring you into a greater understanding of your own mind & perhaps give you the ability to deal with your Father in an effective & healthy manner.
I would be happy if you found any of this useful. Wishing you well.
_/\_
metta
Trust me on this - i come from a family that contains both alcoholics AND religious fanatics. Your best bet is to smile and nod
PS: Welcome to the site
I'm so sorry that you have to go through this awful situation with your father and I wish I could ease your suffering. Please know that we're always here to listen and that you're among friends who care about your well being and peace of mind. Your situation is so very harsh, but if you are able to step back a bit and get a little practice in it might be more fruitful than you think. But if the situation becomes untenable and more harmful to you than helpful I hope you are able to let it go without too much pain. You're father may mellow with age, you never know. But whatever happens we're here for you.
You Father has survived one hell of a war - which you may note is still going on in many respects. That he has come out the otherside is sort of a miracle in itself don't you think. That he has tried alcohol then religion to make sense of that hell he experience is, in my view, understandable. His passport back to reality is his religion - or would you rather the alcoholism?
You see, I have a Father who turned his back on me when I became ordained - that hurt. It took me years to realise my own thinking. My Father's reality came from his experience which is itself embedded in the beliefs of a 19th Century UK. Anything from Asia was ... well, not very nice and I won't go there. Then I realised that my Father's experiences were his and his alone - whatever those reasons were, they had the effect of creating his idea of the world - of making sense of things. My Father is now well over Ninety so I have elected to make those remainings years alloted to him happy and if that means I have to bury a few of my cherished ideas, including the ones about Buddhism, then that is what I am going to do.
I was just reading Thich Nhat Hanh's The Miracle of Mindfulness again when something jumped out at me.
"One day it occurred to a certain emperor that if he only knew the answers to three questions, he would never stray in any matter -
What is the best time to do each thing?
Who are the most important people to work with?
What is the most important thing to do at all times?"
The answers, as it turns out are ;
Now,
The people who are with you, now,
To make those people happy.
I was struck with the beautiful simplicity of the questions - and therein lies the Teachings of the Buddha.
Hope this may help.
JMan-welcome man!
I have been around here a while, spent many years on introspection (perhaps to the detriment of members of my family), however, I have yet to see better responses to any post on this forum.
mate-let me just say, there is some great advice here and without going into too much detail I have seen both circumstances mentioned, from both sides as addict and as confidant/counsellor. many people here are experienced in areas I can only begin to know, let alone understand. Use the advice given above, there is something in every one of the posts.
I could write more but I tend to go on-us writers do that!
best wishes.
xrayman
The christian side of alcholism features quite strongly in the recovery element of some treatment programs-Did your dad attend one /some of these, it could be where it "comes" from?
cheers
I know exactly how it feels, and my advice is always to stick to the Buddha's way of tolerance. :rockon:
It is always a shock and a pain when the old, apparently real, stereotypes of parent/child love turn out to be challenged. How many of us here who are parents can, hand on heart, state that at no time have we regretted having children? But it is a terrible taboo to break when we admit it.
The ancients were wiser. One of the oldest stories in the Greek mythos is that of the supreme deity consuming his own children: Old Time devours all.
My own father (who concealed from my brother and myself that we had five half-siblings by a first marriage which was never mentioned) loathed my own interest in the spiritual quest. It took a lot of painful conversations before I understood what had happened to him. He had been born into an ancient, princely rabbinical family but converted to Christianity after service in the '14-'18 spat (First Battle of the Somme and the Mespot Campaign). He became quite influential in inter-war English Catholicism but, in 1936, he went to Spain with the Red Cross. What he saw there began his journey into atheism. Lodon under the Blitz completed the process. I have no doubt that, in his blinding honesty, he could no longer give any credence to a 'loving God' or obedience to a church which supported the horrors of the Civil War. He could never understand that I could see both God and Church under completely different aspects.
But he taught me a lot by his oppositions and, although he died over 40 years ago, there is hardly a day that passes where I do not miss the cantankerous old bugger!
In the various trainings that I have undertake, I have been taught both that we should 'forgive our parents' (Virginia Satir) or that we should 'not waste valuable energy on forgiving our parents' (Alice Miller). You pays your money and takes your choice. My own has been to ignore the totally bizarre parenting and enjoy the near-genius eccentricity. My brother prefers simply to ignore both. He has been far more successfu, professionally, than I shall ever be. Perhaps the lesson here is that we do better if we fly the nest and forget all about the now-outdated DNA suppliers back there LOL
My heart goes out to you. It is particularly hard to discover family after so long and to find so little in common with them (other, perhaps, than a mutual inability to communicate).
I thought everyone offered excellent advice. I can see nothing else to add either.
I've only been here a few months and everyone has been very nice and helpful. I have learned a lot since I've been coming here.
ppl here will help you understand Buddhist teachings if you need help, listen and give advice when you have a problem and they will even take the time to help you pick paint for your house.
I hope you enjoy yourself here as much as I have.
Deb
Welcome to the site. There are some great people here who will be able to answer just about any question you may have.
Adiana:wavey: :usflag:
Ditto, ditto, ditto and ditto.
Oh, and ditto.
Nice to have you aboard.