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I think @SillyPutty may have a point when earlier in this thread they pointed out that there is something I maybe have to learn and until I do, my life will continue to have a ridiculous level of aggression from other people. There are other serious incidents, but if I mention them, you're all probably going to think i'm delusional and making it up. It's been a crazy life, so far.
I wouldn't think you're delusional. Like I said, if people knew even 1/10 of the things I've been through and what people have done to me since I was a baby, they'd think I'm making it up, too. We probably have very similar life lessons to learn, from the looks of it. Not saying my "story" is worse than yours, or that ours is more horrid than some poor child sold into sex slavery, but just saying that if I told you the things that have happened to me, you'd probably react just as skeptical as my therapists have over the years. So I wouldn't be quick to thinking you were fabricating anything.
Like I said, I used to be quite happy and care free even though the world was a cold and cruel place... and then about 8 years ago I took all I could take and I just snapped. I then went from severe, crippling depression, to becoming extremely angry and hyper vigilant and hating every human being alive (and why wouldn't I?-- up until that point in time I hadn't met anyone who did anything but abuse me and torture me), to a point now where I'm regaining some hope in this thing called life and trying not to allow what certain people did affect the way I see every human being. It's hard, but like I said, we probably have more in common than not.
No need to share if you don't feel comfortable sharing, but just know that you're not alone and sometimes the universe/karma/god/whatever you want to call it gives us only what we can handle. I never thought I'd get through half of the things I've been through, but I eventually did. And I'm becoming a better person for it every day. I'm pretty sure it's the same with you. Just have a feeling. So hang in there. Take it from someone who's been there/done that-- it does get better. It doesn't get to the point of fluffy clouds and cute kittens pooping out rainbows, but it does become more tolerable. The only thing that truly gives me any comfort is just accepting that this is my karma. If I did anything to others in a past life like what has happened to me in this life? Then I really deserve what happened to me and I gotta just suck it up and pay it up and learn my lesson. So I feel empowered, in a sense, by taking that responsibility, or even thinking that I *chose* this life in order to learn certain lessons. To think it was just some fluke and that I drew the short stick upsets me more than realizing that this is all *my* doing, for some strange reason. I dunno. But whatever can get me by nowadays I just embrace and take what I can get. I think if you see your life in that sense, it may help get you out of victim mode as well and fend off all of these aggressive/violent situations you keep finding yourself in. At least it would be a start.
@Dakini@vinlyn I live in London, U.K i've worked in various parts of this city, and some parts seem to have a higher perdentage of folk with manners, some parts it's a totally different story, with , rudeness and aggresive people a plenty. The shop I work in has a very high turnover of staff AND managers. The last manager I had was worse than the customers, myself and the lady that works the afternoon shift made a formal complaint about him. For me, the crunch part came when he started punching the walls in the kitchen during one of his infamous tantrums. He would never help out on the till, he couldn't hack it. He has been moved to a different shop, and the staff there have complained about him. These complaints are being investigated, weve given statements, and a lady that worked jn the shop 3 years ago but now works in a different shop branch also has been re questioned. Turns out the manager nearly punched her jn the face, but the manager denied it! I've only ever had one manager that could hack it, so of course the issu becomes compounded when you're left to work when it is busy, and are basically on your own. A vicious circle, I suppose. I Know some of the staff that work in the post office, they come to the bakery for a coffee or sandwich on their breaks. They feel like I do, so I suppose their sign doesn't cut the mustard.... of course, not every one who comes to the shop is rude, but WOW, waaay too many ppl that need anger management courses imho. maybe this is just modern city London life. Maybe I learn to to let it all go over my head. This week, after reading and re reading everyone's take on this issue, i've been focusing on staying calm. I'm not a therapist, a psychologist or enlightened being with all the answers. So yes, trying to maintain equilibrium regardless of another person's aggression and rudeness has been my aim. It's weird. My previous manager was beating his partner. So, i quit that job after reporting him to the police. When i was 13 I got my first part time saturday job and it was run by a couple in their 50's. he used to threaten her with a knife up to her face , in front of me and the other young girl that worked there. We were terrified of him. My mother was extremely aggresive when I was little and i've married a man that is now in therapy for his own demons. I think @SillyPutty may have a point when earlier in this thread they pointed out that there is something I maybe have to learn and until I do, my life will continue to have a ridiculous level of aggression from other people. There are other serious incidents, but if I mention them, you're all probably going to think i'm delusional and making it up. It's been a crazy life, so far.
Okay, so I'm going to go back to something I asked before.
How long does it take to wait on a customer? I'm guessing the answer is generally something like 3 minutes? So during that time (whatever it is), do your job and put your mind somewhere else.
For me, the issue would be important when you have someone -- like your manager -- to deal with over extended times, not the brief interactions with customers. It's just part of life. Let their rudeness just flow around you and don't absorb it, because their rudeness is not about you.
OR
You or the other people at the counter are the cause of their rudeness. In which case you need to reexamine your behaviors.
I'm guessing it's the former, not the latter. I hate to sound corny, but you need to listen to the old song "My Favorite Things".
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federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
hmm.... well, the OP says her local post office has a sign that says "rude and aggressive people will not be tolerated". Is the OP living in some kind of odd town that's populated by rude and aggressive people? It sounds strange. Is this New York City, lol? This sounds like a Twilight Zone show.
:scratch:
People in the Public service industry are not held in the same esteem, in the UK, as they are in the USA.
To serve the public, in the USA seems to be a creditable profession, and many people are proud to work in stores, and provide a service to people who use their store. In the UK, being a 'shop worker' doesn't carry the same level of prestige or respectability. You're often looked down upon as being on the same level as a kitchen porter or street cleaner. there to perform a function, and keep things on an even keel, but otherwise, largely insignificant in a person's day-to-day life. So yes, rudeness is commonplace.
We too, have a sign stating that "our staff members deserve to be treated with courtesy and respect. Rudeness, incivility and disrespectful customers will not be tolerated. Audio equipment is in operation in this store."
@Vinlyn yes, I honestly am really polite to people, even if a previous customer has been awful, I won't lower my standards and treat the next person badly. I follow a simple rule at work which goes like this: when I am not at work and I go to a shop, I am a customer, and I want to be treated nicely by the staff, SO, I must give what I want when the situation is reversed. I keep reminding myself that thd rudeness is not mine, but theirs, and that js helping.
I don't mean to offend, because I don't know anyone you work with, but looking at your story about the previous manager, is it possible that the people who come into the shop are cranky and aggressive because the general feeling of the store is that way? We've all been in places that just feel icky, or bad to us, and been around people who either are like being around a sucking black hole or a bright, shining light. Perhaps your place of employment or even just the general neighborhood has that black hole thing going on. I'm not saying YOU do, but just a general feel of the bakery, or the block or general area. Bad juju.
Good point @federica , in the context of this thread, a lot of members living in the USA, I believe there is (generally speaking) a cultural difference here. I noticed that @Dakini seemed genuinely puzzled, and that puzzlement puzzled me if i'm honest! Yes, here in the UK, that is how it feels, as federica described. It's as if ppl 'forget' that the person standing behind a counter is STILL a human, with feelings, despite being a low paid menial worker (in my case). It's sad really. It reminds me of something a friend once said. She cycles through london regularly. She said that obviously a lot of london drivers are so angry, fed up of the congestion, that they often drive dangerously. She said it felt like theg don't see a person, human being , on a bike, they just see a bicycle in their way. How sad that so many people are living like this. I might change my mind when i'm back in work tomorrow morning lol, but right now, the more I think about it, I actually feel quite sorry for these angry ppl.
I don't mean to offend, because I don't know anyone you work with, but looking at your story about the previous manager, is it possible that the people who come into the shop are cranky and aggressive because the general feeling of the store is that way? We've all been in places that just feel icky, or bad to us, and been around people who either are like being around a sucking black hole or a bright, shining light. Perhaps your place of employment or even just the general neighborhood has that black hole thing going on. I'm not saying YOU do, but just a general feel of the bakery, or the block or general area. Bad juju.
No it's a fair enough question. That manager hardly ever served, but when he did, he was rude to ppl, which I found quite embarassing. He was rude to everyone, including staff. He's not working in the shop now thankfully, he got moved to a different branch whilst they investigate him re the staff complaints. I think the neighbourhood is partially a black hole for sure. It is like a lot of places in london, very mixed in terms of wealth and is of course extremely cosmopolitan, which I love! But yeah, it has quite a mixed feel to it, speaking as a woman here in terms of safety, depending upon where you are in the area exactly. Put it this way, i'm nearly deaf from the police sirens whizzing down the main road FREQUENTLY.There are a couple of nice places popping up in the area though, bringing a bit of joy to the area, so hopefully the area is at least improving, not going further downhill.
Wow, @Dandelion, so you work in a rough neighborhood? That would be very trying for anyone. Have you considered looking for work in a nicer part of town?
You know, I don't mean to be a jerk, but... I did not have a nice time in London (long ago). Even the well-dressed, supposedly "nice" people were condescending and rude, or stand-offish. The people in the countryside were much nicer. FWIW. Maybe big city life in general stresses people out.
My mother was extremely aggresive when I was little and i've married a man that is now in therapy for his own demons. I think @SillyPutty may have a point when earlier in this thread they pointed out that there is something I maybe have to learn and until I do, my life will continue to have a ridiculous level of aggression from other people. There are other serious incidents, but if I mention them, you're all probably going to think i'm delusional and making it up. It's been a crazy life, so far.
Looking at this more closely, I'd say this is the key. Counter-intuitive as it may seem, you've been going around re-creating your childhood environment, with an aggressive mum. Psychologists say that people tend to seek out what is familiar to them. As a child, you weren't able to reject your mum, because you were dependent on her. So you never learned to take evasive action when faced with similar environments. Or you didn't develop the instincts to spot a potentially bad situation from a mile away, nor the skills to deal with difficult people. So there's a piece to work on, OP. Good luck. And in the meantime, seek support and commiseration with those postal workers who drop by for lunch. Hopefully their lunch period offers you a pleasant respite from the day's trials.
Wow, @Dandelion, so you work in a rough neighborhood? That would be very trying for anyone. Have you considered looking for work in a nicer part of town?
You know, I don't mean to be a jerk, but... I did not have a nice time in London (long ago). Even the well-dressed, supposedly "nice" people were condescending and rude, or stand-offish. The people in the countryside were much nicer. FWIW. Maybe big city life in general stresses people out.
I was in London for only about a day or two once and this was my experience also, but it could have merely been a coincidence. The city is beautiful.
Wow, @Dandelion, so you work in a rough neighborhood? That would be very trying for anyone. Have you considered looking for work in a nicer part of town?
You know, I don't mean to be a jerk, but... I did not have a nice time in London (long ago). Even the well-dressed, supposedly "nice" people were condescending and rude, or stand-offish. The people in the countryside were much nicer. FWIW. Maybe big city life in general stresses people out.
I was in London for only about a day or two once and this was my experience also, but it could have merely been a coincidence. The city is beautiful.
Oh no, what a shame I am sorry to hear this. Aside from my morning job, I love London. As an artist it's such a great place to be, I think cities are different things for different people, depending upon lots of things. London, I think is notorious for being unfriendly, this is something I have heard quite a bit, and I suppose there is no (big) smoke without fire, as the saying goes. My father was a londoner, and he moved up north when he was in his early 20s and he never missed it. The main side that I see and engage in when i'm not working, is the art side... probably why I like it so much. I run a group for artists living in london that want to exhibit their work in group shows, and the ppl in the group that I am closest to, are often other Europeans, or generally ppl from another corner of the planet ha! The other day, I was on the phone to someone who runs an art space, a Brazilian, i've never met them, but we were nattering awag for about an hour, an easy warm, open conversation... i do wonder if that would have been as likely to happen with a Londoner, who knows... we're all individuals. I have met lots of nice londoners too, of course, but for me what makes the city really come alive is the mix of cultures. I like meeting foreigners, I find it very mind expanding, it's extremely interesting. What were we talking about? Lol
I have met lots of nice londoners too, of course, but for me what makes the city really come alive is the mix of cultures. I like meeting foreigners, I find it very mind expanding, it's extremely interesting. What were we talking about? Lol
You know, when I tried to zero in on the obvious foreigners, they were just as stand-offish, and they all insisted, when I asked them where they were from, that they were "from London". These were Africans, women speaking Russian, and other obvious foreigners. But I have no doubt that the artist sub-culture is different. I think I've heard of your artists' group, OP--is it sort of a co-operative? An artists' association of some sort? An artist friend in Russia told me about it.
I get to deal with people in my service job too. Can be very challenging. Can also be kind of fun. People are a trip. I try to make all interactions pleasant. Blow off the foolish behavior. Let it go. It is just ignorance and bad karma.
It helps to see that all people are..... what's the word? F'"d up. I mean Self delusional. All people includes me. I have behaved like a jerk before too. Caught up in my own selfish ego views. Fortunately this path leads to awareness and equanimity. Learn to see and and let go with the help of a meditation practice.
Comments
Like I said, I used to be quite happy and care free even though the world was a cold and cruel place... and then about 8 years ago I took all I could take and I just snapped. I then went from severe, crippling depression, to becoming extremely angry and hyper vigilant and hating every human being alive (and why wouldn't I?-- up until that point in time I hadn't met anyone who did anything but abuse me and torture me), to a point now where I'm regaining some hope in this thing called life and trying not to allow what certain people did affect the way I see every human being. It's hard, but like I said, we probably have more in common than not.
No need to share if you don't feel comfortable sharing, but just know that you're not alone and sometimes the universe/karma/god/whatever you want to call it gives us only what we can handle. I never thought I'd get through half of the things I've been through, but I eventually did. And I'm becoming a better person for it every day. I'm pretty sure it's the same with you. Just have a feeling. So hang in there. Take it from someone who's been there/done that-- it does get better. It doesn't get to the point of fluffy clouds and cute kittens pooping out rainbows, but it does become more tolerable. The only thing that truly gives me any comfort is just accepting that this is my karma. If I did anything to others in a past life like what has happened to me in this life? Then I really deserve what happened to me and I gotta just suck it up and pay it up and learn my lesson. So I feel empowered, in a sense, by taking that responsibility, or even thinking that I *chose* this life in order to learn certain lessons. To think it was just some fluke and that I drew the short stick upsets me more than realizing that this is all *my* doing, for some strange reason. I dunno. But whatever can get me by nowadays I just embrace and take what I can get.
How long does it take to wait on a customer? I'm guessing the answer is generally something like 3 minutes? So during that time (whatever it is), do your job and put your mind somewhere else.
For me, the issue would be important when you have someone -- like your manager -- to deal with over extended times, not the brief interactions with customers. It's just part of life. Let their rudeness just flow around you and don't absorb it, because their rudeness is not about you.
OR
You or the other people at the counter are the cause of their rudeness. In which case you need to reexamine your behaviors.
I'm guessing it's the former, not the latter. I hate to sound corny, but you need to listen to the old song "My Favorite Things".
To serve the public, in the USA seems to be a creditable profession, and many people are proud to work in stores, and provide a service to people who use their store.
In the UK, being a 'shop worker' doesn't carry the same level of prestige or respectability. You're often looked down upon as being on the same level as a kitchen porter or street cleaner. there to perform a function, and keep things on an even keel, but otherwise, largely insignificant in a person's day-to-day life.
So yes, rudeness is commonplace.
We too, have a sign stating that "our staff members deserve to be treated with courtesy and respect. Rudeness, incivility and disrespectful customers will not be tolerated. Audio equipment is in operation in this store."
Sadly, it has been needed more than once.
Good point @federica , in the context of this thread, a lot of members living in the USA, I believe there is (generally speaking) a cultural difference here. I noticed that @Dakini seemed genuinely puzzled, and that puzzlement puzzled me if i'm honest! Yes, here in the UK, that is how it feels, as federica described. It's as if ppl 'forget' that the person standing behind a counter is STILL a human, with feelings, despite being a low paid menial worker (in my case). It's sad really. It reminds me of something a friend once said. She cycles through london regularly. She said that obviously a lot of london drivers are so angry, fed up of the congestion, that they often drive dangerously. She said it felt like theg don't see a person, human being , on a bike, they just see a bicycle in their way. How sad that so many people are living like this. I might change my mind when i'm back in work tomorrow morning lol, but right now, the more I think about it, I actually feel quite sorry for these angry ppl.
You know, I don't mean to be a jerk, but... I did not have a nice time in London (long ago). Even the well-dressed, supposedly "nice" people were condescending and rude, or stand-offish. The people in the countryside were much nicer. FWIW. Maybe big city life in general stresses people out.
So there's a piece to work on, OP. Good luck. And in the meantime, seek support and commiseration with those postal workers who drop by for lunch. Hopefully their lunch period offers you a pleasant respite from the day's trials.
Not necessarily in that order.
It helps to see that all people are..... what's the word? F'"d up.
I mean Self delusional. All people includes me. I have behaved like a jerk before too. Caught up in my own selfish ego views. Fortunately this path leads to awareness and equanimity. Learn to see and and let go with the help of a meditation practice.
Best Wishes