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My heartbreaking story - learn from my mistakes
betaboy
Veteran
This is something that happened quite some time ago, so I am completely over her. Still, the pain I experienced could only be described as hell. I am telling you this so that people, especially young people, can learn from my mistakes.
Long story short, she pursued me over and over. I was flattered. She was a beauty. I had the upper hand because I was the one being pursued - my ego was satisfied. But when I started responding, the tables were turned. I fell more and more in love with her, while she fell more and more 'out of love' with me. But I was too blind to notice - proposed ... and inevitably a breakup followed. Suffered for months, while she easily moved on. That hurt even more. The fact that she could move on so easily after having pursued me over and over - my ego was crushed. On top of that, she got married and had kids. Again, my ego was crushed - what does this guy have that I don't? How could she fall in love with him (so much so she could have a kids with him) but out of love with me? Jealousy, resentment, bitterness.
All such thoughts were crushing my very will to live. I prayed for death every day - my death - but soon overcame this. But now that I know a thing or two about Buddhism, I realize she was not to blame. She had every right to love me or not love me - who am I to say, "If you fall in love with me, you should never fall out of love?" Everything changes. People change. Their preferences change. So I realize that my ego destroyed me, paralyzed me for months, it was NOT her. She was entirely blameless.
Unfortunately, I did not have the benefit of Buddhism or any religion at that time. So I resorted to smoking and drinking. Even after coming across Buddhism, I couldn't quite connect it to all this. It is a slow, ongoing process, and I am still struggling. But if my pain can heal your wounds, make you wiser, then please learn from my mistakes.
That's all I am asking.
Long story short, she pursued me over and over. I was flattered. She was a beauty. I had the upper hand because I was the one being pursued - my ego was satisfied. But when I started responding, the tables were turned. I fell more and more in love with her, while she fell more and more 'out of love' with me. But I was too blind to notice - proposed ... and inevitably a breakup followed. Suffered for months, while she easily moved on. That hurt even more. The fact that she could move on so easily after having pursued me over and over - my ego was crushed. On top of that, she got married and had kids. Again, my ego was crushed - what does this guy have that I don't? How could she fall in love with him (so much so she could have a kids with him) but out of love with me? Jealousy, resentment, bitterness.
All such thoughts were crushing my very will to live. I prayed for death every day - my death - but soon overcame this. But now that I know a thing or two about Buddhism, I realize she was not to blame. She had every right to love me or not love me - who am I to say, "If you fall in love with me, you should never fall out of love?" Everything changes. People change. Their preferences change. So I realize that my ego destroyed me, paralyzed me for months, it was NOT her. She was entirely blameless.
Unfortunately, I did not have the benefit of Buddhism or any religion at that time. So I resorted to smoking and drinking. Even after coming across Buddhism, I couldn't quite connect it to all this. It is a slow, ongoing process, and I am still struggling. But if my pain can heal your wounds, make you wiser, then please learn from my mistakes.
That's all I am asking.
6
Comments
Anthony de Mello
I understand that suffering is a symptom and there must be a 'disease' somewhere. For me, it is the ego, and I suspect for others too. Did I actually love her or was my ego satisfied that such a great person loved me? Was this ego-satisfaction responsible for the eventual hurts and scars?
This is how I am approaching - whether the ego clothes even bad things in good terms. It may call attachment love, and so on.
I think it may be the ego initially, that go you to pursue her. (It feels good when a person you consider more beautiful, or attractive or cool pays attention). It is flattering and raises your view of your worth.
But when it is pulled out from under your feet, I think the suffering part, is the fear that somehow or other, you are not good enough.
Prior to her flattering attention, you sound as though you felt things were ok and you didn't need to obtain anyone to feel good about yourself. She then enticed you in, and you lost yourself in her. When she raised your feelings of self worth, she had control of your emotions and she could elevate the way you felt, or she could bring your world crashing down at her whim. That is a lot of control to place in someone else's hands.
When a person talks about someone with a big ego, I tend to think more of someone who is arrogant and feeling entitled. This I believe, is the western way of looking at it.
In Buddhist terms however, I believe the view of ego is self, with no consideration of big ego or small ego. No pejorative connotation there.
I felt as though you were being rather hard on yourself. I would not consider you being egotistical in any way. Don't beat yourself up.