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Compatibility in relationships.
SattvaPaul
South Wales, UK Veteran
How important do you think compatibility between two people in relationship is? It is important to find someone who shares your values, interests etc, or is something you work out in the course of relationship?
According to this guy, compatibility is overrated, and it is the love that holds people together more than having things in common? Any thoughts?
According to this guy, compatibility is overrated, and it is the love that holds people together more than having things in common? Any thoughts?
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I have very little in common with my current partner of 3 and a bit years, but we get on well enough. Like pretty much any couple we have ups and downs, disagreements, but that is what tests the love and bond you have together, the hard times in your relationship.
So yea I think it is not necessary for a long term relationship but it may have a lot to do with what triggers a relationship in the first place. Then later you may realize that you simply can't be together or live together for whatever reason.
You sit there and look at her and you have no idea who she is. And this is intriguing, and beautiful. Though you had all these symbols and information you gather here you are in the moment and none of it applies.
And this is love. A kind of oneness where we see the whole reality as the other person and at the same time all reference points vanish.
And this is where we realize we don't need the person. And that completely frees them. But the relationship becomes about what we want. And what we want is for the other person to be happy and vice versa. But that is only possible if it arises out of a genuine completion rather than a lack.
Then on the foundation of oneness you can play, enjoy, celebrate. The mundane usual things really help as well. Like having same interests and also giving space for other interests. Meaning she may have things she enjoys doing that you do not and you don't have to sacrifice and make believe that you care. And vice versa. Then there is no hidden resentment or this violent back and forth and exchange. People are not objects, they are free and should be respected.
Physical touch is important. Not just sexual, but just any kind of touch. It also helps to be somewhat attracted to the individual you're in a relationship with. Biology does not lie. Chemical do not lie.
Compatibility is you using her toothbrush and still being there with her. If you can't do that anymore then its time to go.
Most of us don't go because of co-dependene and insecurity issues. We make up any excuse to stay in something that doesn't work. But the signs are obvious when one should leave.
Last but not least. Having no expectations. And if you do then communicating them. People cannot read your mind. If you want something then make it clear. Communication is key in any relationship. But also practice no expectations. We don't need to control the other person. We in fact do not own people, they are not object nor are they property. Viewing them as such as consequences. And basically will end up ruining the relationship.
Be who you are and they will be as they are. Then you can enjoy them as they are. Then you can also practice the dharma.
You start to see how transient every moment is. And how even feelings wax and wane. And you see her as another sentient being. And you see all your insecurities arising. You see why you're in this relationship. And there is nothing wrong with that. You just see how this whole thing is just a microcosm of dharma. How in a way we are drawn towards each other because of suffering and loneliness. How romance arises on the condition of a deep lack. And how its possible through another that we find our essential nature, which then free's the static images we place into the relationship, to ourselves and the other.
why the length of time they stay together would be a viable sign of it's success.
What do you mean by goals? My girlfriend and I both have a sad story with mental illness where we don't hold good jobs. In my case I lost my job and am now looking for work at like subway etc. I want to take courses next fall at a community college. So right now we are just living in the moment. We have goals but we are mainly thinking about today rather than tomorrow. She wants a family eventually. I smoke. She doesn't drink coffee. I am Buddhist and she is Christian.
However even granted that we have a lot of things not in common, I wouldn't push her away. If we break up I will cross that bridge tomorrow.
What's the difference between goals and life goals?
We have a liking for music and movies. Festivals and performances. We cook. We hate winter, ha. But, for example, I like arts and crafts and she says she can't make a stick figure. I would be willing to go to a Bible class with her because I am curious. All in all with every woman I have been with it is easier for me to do what they like than have them do what I like. For example I will listen to the others music rather than them appreciating mine. Mind you I enjoy the status quo of refilling my curiosity and learn the things that my sig other likes.
Your specific point brings up the need to learn enough about the potential partner IN ADVANCE to determine if compatibility and flexibility can meet the right mix.
I knew one couple who had a rule. One evening a week he did what he wanted...individually. One evening she did what she wanted. One evening they decided on something to do together. A good idea.
Is is compatibility or chemistry? Well...thanks to online
dating and checking boxes...yes, compatibility can be found....
but we decided it's the chemistry.....that's why we put up
with someone else's crap and even TRY to be flexible...hahaha.
But...Ewwww... I still can't use anyone's toothbrush...hahaha....
Keyword is encounter.
The allure is in exploring the body, be it sexually or affectionately. You may have some likes that you can relate to. But really its about the qualities that arise within us and we project that onto the other. She loves me and we get the classic falling in love.
If we can stay in that brutal intimacy and pure arising of our buddhic qualities then that is in a way a gateway towards our liberated state.
But with always with the good arises the bad. So even though its great and we are nicer, open, loving, more alive than ever. The habitual tendencies to want to concretize the relationship also arises. We want to own the other. We want to horde the pleasure for future moments. We start to see aspects in them that we overlooked and we desire for them to change. It becomes no longer about enjoy their presence free from future or past but becomes about abstract, envisioned dreams of idealization. We will get married, I hope she never leaves me.
We say stupid, stupid, impossible things like I will love you forever, never leave me, you are not supposed to look at other guys/girls/etc.
We tell a dying meat machine that we own them. That they cannot die.
This is something we all have gone through. The highs and lows. The promises we tried to keep and the lies we tell.
And there are some that make it past this stage. And you should really ask them what love means to them. Love has a different flavor than the romantic inclinations of the modern culture.
And at the same time reality isn't inherently structured in any way. What we are dealing with is our perceptions and projections. A playing out of state of being towards the world and other. This playful dance need not ever lose the passion found in falling in love. If we can realize the groundlessness of all situation and beings in this very instant then there is only falling in love without the need of others.
Then you can really enjoy the company of others without making insane claims of permanence and ownership.
The dharma is a reflection of the ignorance we affirm continually in our lives. And relationships directly reflect this. The other person is never the problem, nor is it your problem. What we lack is awareness and a willingness to investigate and toss the old.
I love you guys and I know a lot of being desire to fall in love out of their deep loneliness and lack. I'm there with you, but I urge everyone to find a creative solution for this. Sit, open your heart, and let the world tell you her secrets.
With love.
And the basic fear is that we are going to die.
And it is exactly this belief in the entity that needs to protect itself from the inevitability of death, which propels all actions for control and security.
We do this in the broadest sense through attachment and aggression. And the subtlest sense with securing the three thought process of subject, action and object.
Love on the other hand cannot be fabricated into narrow definition arising out of insecurity. We have just believed infatuation and the biological momentum to be love.
Love is the moment we step outside any beliefs.
I can relate to what you're saying about goals. I used to be that way myself. Really couldn't relate to or understand the g-word at all. But a lot of people do have goals, for their careers, their retirement plans, personal growth, education, kids/no kids, all kinds of things. You and your gf sound pretty well matched. But if one person in a couple is very in-the-moment and devil-may-care, while the other is a long-range planner, conflicts can arise, and some couples decide they're not a good match on that basis.
I just think the author of that article is painting an overly-simplified picture.
Pardon me, but it's actually
"He who cares the least - Controls the most."
Someone who doesn't care at all - probably doesn't 'love' at all, either.
Obviously some people truly have needs others must provide, children, the elderly, the disabled. But beyond our basic needs, a lot of our needs are just things we really need to cultivate for ourselves instead of demanding someone else meet them for us. I never understood that, when my mom would tell me things like "Well what about my needs in our relationship?" and how to consolidate that with the fact that her insistence I meet some of her needs went against my own needs. When, in fact, a lot of those needs were not my responsibility.
I've found, with my husband, my kids, my parents, that when I truly let go of what I think I need from them, and the inevitable disappointment that comes when they fail to meet my need (half the time needs I perceived I had and didn't even share with them yet I faulted them for not meeting them) things go much better.
As far as how important it is, that idea changes when you get rid of the idea that you need a partner to complete you, to fill a void in your life, to meet needs you are not meeting for yourself. My husband comes from a well off republican Catholic family. I come from a family of crazy people
In going through my history with past relationships, I would say to worry more about what needs of yours aren't being met that you believe a relationship will meet...and find ways to meet them yourself. Stop expecting that someone in your life, or someone out there you haven't met yet, should be the one to do that, because they just aren't. When you meet your own needs you can let go of that disappointment and anxiety and sadness that comes when you think your partner failed you.