Respond, react or not?
lobster
Crusty Veteran
Remember one thing: If something or someone rubs you up the wrong way, there is no compelling force that says you MUST either respond, OR react.
I felt this deserved its own thread, that is my reaction to its importance.
All too often our 'theoretical dharma' meets the 'real' world and every bit of calm equanimity goes out the mind and we judge, fume, suffer, grab hold of etc. Your life might not be like that, mine is. However . . .
During periods of increased practice, more intense commitment or effort we may find such a non reactive response comes easier. On a forum where we have the chance to observe others and our own behaviour and responses it might be easier. I feel it is.
m m m . . . for a 'few dollars more' I could get a better cushion . . .
Comments
My mind can usually come up with a reason..this time. this is important it whispers...
It isn't of course.
It's hard not to identify with these responses. Takes practice.
And let me tell you all, here and now, I am really just as guilty.
But my position here as moderator makes it all the more vital and important that I really learn to discern what I need to let go of, and what I cannot allow to pass.
I assure you I am not looking for comments or responses. But it is hard at times, to decide what is responding/reacting and what is Moderation.
Moderation. Now there's a word.....
I think it's hardest when I see something that maybe someone doesn't see (in themselves) and so it seems like the right thing to do to point it out. I really should carry a laminated copy of the 25th Lojong training, LOL. "Don't Talk About Injured Limbs". Which is a focus on not pointing out the shortcomings of others and instead working on combining awareness and acceptance to take people as they are and to see past what we perceive as shortcomings, or something needing correction. It doesn't mean, of course, turning a cheek to actual problems or injustices.
Here, 99% of the time, I shouldn't point things out. Maybe 1% or less of the time, someone should, but that someone shouldn't be me. That's what the flag button is for.
Always a work in progress
@karasti I feel you point out with tact and kindness, all I have is a humorous line in cushions . . .
The point is good companionship/sangha/dharma friends/teachers who can respond to the good in us or the situation and move us along . . .
According to Paul Ekman, the psychotherapist and profiler that often appears in the Dalai Lama's Mind & Life conferences, the ability to restrain ourselves before reacting when we are in the grip of a strong, mostly negative emotion, is neither inborn nor to be taken for granted.
In his book "Emotional Awareness," he says that as soon as an emotion is triggered, we can ONLY remember information that fits the emotion. No amount of logic can talk us out of the emotion's uncontrolled jabbering. It's like our brain gets stuck with delusional information that only serves to fuel the emotion in question. No way you search for a positive side to the situation, you are mercilessly bombarded with all the bad news by your brain. If you are lucky, it's only an emotion and emotions are shorter-lived than moods, which get you mired in this situation for a longer span that can last a whole day.
He adds that one of the advantages of the practice of mindfulness, is that it can help us be more present in the heat of the moment and therefore more aware of negative mental states as they arise. Ideally, we should be able to see them for what they really are and let them go. (That's the part that is easier said than done)
He stresses it is important to "develop the monitoring to know that you are becoming emotional so that you can choose how you enact [your emotion]"
The gap between the impulse and the action is considered SO important, that Ekman says that when he was training as a psychotherapist, his supervisor told him "If you can increase the gap between the impulse and the action, you will have helped your patient." You won't be spared your neurosis, but at least you'll be better able to control it.
In conclusion, the longer amount of time we spend on our cushion could help counteract what seems to be a natural, almost irrepresible tendency to act out our strongest emotions and negative feelings. But human nature being what it is, we sometimes forget our Dharma on the cushion. Some days are better than others...
I find that currently, the more explosive, strong emotions, I recognize quickly when they are arising, and why, and I am more able to let them go, or not react to them than I used to be. It is the more subtle, gradual mood changes I struggle with. Whether it's PMS or the weather (I tend to be strongly affected by pressure systems for some reason) I struggle a lot with getting through several days in a row of melancholy and general blah feelings. I go through a lot of mental chatter, because I know logically it won't last, and so on, but none of the tools I have help me much. I try not to react, but in doing that, I am usually pretty unresponsive, which is hard for my husband and kids. It's kind of a "don't talk to me, please, and if you do, realize I'm in a bad mood." and that's not really fair to them, but I haven't found the solution either. I went through it the past 4-5 days, it seems to have cleared completely today (my mind fog, lol) and my husband was trying so hard to cheer me up he was playing horrendous youtube videos of music he hates just to try to make me laugh
Can't seem to get the quote function to work, so…
@dharmamom said:
So much of our behaviour is habit, like being stuck in a groove. Stimulus -> reaction. Totally unconscious. Mindfulness is about becoming conscious, becoming more than just a lot of habits and reactions. But it takes lots of effort to undermine those conditioned reactions.
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No, it's a problem.
I'm hoping @Lincoln is working on it...I think we all are...
If pictures say a thousand words, then do not worry about not being heard. Don't even sweat it one bit. Unless of course you want ask a person out, then speak.
That is why meditation on death is so useful. If the next breath is going to be your last many things you thought were important just dissolve away.
Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.
Steve Jobs
Something else to worry about!!