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I worry about what others say about me
banned_crab
Veteran
Whether it be good or bad I am always worried about what others say or think about me. What does a buddhist do about this?
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Expand. Bigger than your worries. Let your worries be. They are not serious. How could anyone know the truth about you? If they do know part of the truth what then? Suppose I said you were the greatest ever? What would that mean. What if I maligned you? We are not perfect beings. Just notice the good and bad but do not dwell.
Every action we cause becomes our excess baggage. It doesn't get lighter by trying to add more to others either.
Look closely. Does it seem like people spend time thinking about you, or are they like you, worried about what people think of them? Others are also self absorbed. Not so much time for thinking about anything other than themselves.
If you don't accept their gift then they have to deal with it. Not accepting their gift means you listen but you don't attach to what they say.
That's pretty normal, we are social creatures and it is in our best interests to be in good standing with our neighbors in life.
It's when worrying constantly preoccupies to until you are miserable (suffering) that worry is a problem.
What is worse about your life because of the excess worrying?
"....others...." ---- your parents? Who? Some people's opinions are valid (truthful) others are ignorant or meaningless or spiteful. Figure out who says what and why, it may help you get grounded. That's where you want to be as a Buddhist, IMO.
Whether you are good or bad, whoever wants to find fault with you, always will.
You should learn to differentiate between opinions that matter and those who don't.
Constructive criticism, coming from well-meaning people, helps us grow. After all, we can't presume to be perfect and the objective opinion of someone who has our best interest at heart, helps us get acquainted with sides to ourselves that lie hidden from our eyes. We should be thin-skinned enough to let those comments go to the right place in our brain where positive changes can take place.
But you shouldn't care for scathing remarks coming from people who don't know you well enough, or who you can tell are only judging you through the lenses of their own prejudices. You should delve deep into what the motivation behind the comment is. If it is envy, anger, resentment or plain dislike, the ball is in their court. Who cares! Problem is theirs, not yours.
And finally, accept that not everyone is forced to like us nor will. Some people in life will like you, some won't. Not much you can do about that. Not worth a sleepless night over it.
Kia Ora@heyimacrab,
Find out who or what it is that's worried, then you will have solved the problem....That's what "this Buddhist would do"...
Metta Shoshin
Worrying about what others think is a perfect example of misuse of imagination. Deal with your own thoughts and stop projecting your insecurities onto others. Most people are far too wrapped up in themselves to think about you, and those who do indulge in negative judgements have their own issues to deal with.
Not worrying at all about how you appear to others in someone who is not Enlightened is one sign ( among others ) of Personality Disorder. So that's all good..
On the other hand excessively worrying about it something to be aware of..without beating yourself up.
What do you mean by worried?
Can you explain the symptoms in more detail and provide some examples.
Otherwise broadly, when considering the plethora of responses, worrying per se probably carries a lesser perceptible effect on an outcome.
That's a very good point. A school principal is always up for being critiqued and criticized. And it took me a while to filter out how much I should listen to the criticisms from various sources. For example, if a lousy teacher or pathetic parent was criticizing something the A-team had done, I began to dismiss such criticisms more quickly. If a stellar teacher or effective parent was being critical...well, I listened more carefully and more fully considered their critique.
Thats true. But this didnt help because I still care what they think.
Start doing things for others so you have less time to worry about what they are thinking.
The experience should vary. For example, I care what my children think of me as their mother (to a reasonable degree) or what my husband thinks of me. I could care less that someone driving by thinks of how I am dressed. I'm sure that some people got a kick out of my outfit last night, but I dressed solely for extreme comfort because of a bad sunburn. So, what they think of what I am wearing doesn't matter one bit to me.
But that comes with time. Young adulthood is a time rife with desire for acceptance for everything from your haircut to your shoes. It comes by having confidence in who you are and why you do whatever it is that you happen to be doing. When you are confident in yourself, what others think does not matter. Believe in yourself.
I'd hate to know what others say about me. My ego is big enough as it is.
But seriously, if you're living life ethically, if you're trying to be a kind, compassionate, better human being; then why would you worry what others think about you?
When I am nervous what someone thinks I nip the self criticism in the bud and instead transform my motivation into how I can make them feel good or help them. They won't care about your negative qualities they will care how you make them feel. And sometimes there is bad chemistry between people and you just have to say 'screw it' and accept that you cannot please them. But the people you have good chemistry with just try to be kind to and they will remember that more than any flaws you have.
I heard something cute in A.A. about this. It went something along the lines of "When I was young, I always worried what people thought of me. Then when I got a bit older I realised that what people thought of me didn't matter. Then when I got wiser, I realised that they're probably not thinking about me anyway."
But obviously, people always think about me, 'cos I'm me.
This may be helpful or completely off the mark, but I would like to share something that I've found to be personally true.
My own inner mindstate has a lot to do with what I perceive in others. I was raised to be rather critical of the way that I personally look, so it has always been hard to not turn that critical eye towards others. (Wrinkled clothes mean you don't care about yourself, putting on make-up/looking perfect means you do, etc...) So, I think it's because I am critical of others that I assume the same from them, but this really isn't always true. Eleanor Roosevelt famously said, "You wouldn't worry about what others think if you realized how seldom they do."
In another experience, I recently had a pretty rough exchange with an editor that I took completely wrong. I had been complaining to my fiancee that the editor had said "this" or "that" and she pointed out that I was injecting a lot more negativity than was actually present. It was just because I was so tied up with my ego(via my work) that honestly helpful criticism turned into a personal assault. Once I dropped this self-cherishing/anxiety-laden perspective, I was able to see clearly that it was my ego that had turned comments into something more. I think it's the same when it comes to the fear of criticism from people in other areas of my life, as well. The more I cling to this idea of "me," the harder it is to take criticism from others.
Some people are just assholes, and yeah, they can say things that hurt without reason or merit... but others are teachers and it can be a great exercise in humility/lessening the hold of the ego to open your ears. I often have to remind myself that I am not a perfect individual like my ego likes to think. I have much to learn from others and should value their opinions as such. I think at the root of worrying about criticism, is an ego desperate to keep up a facade of perfection. Or thus has been true for me...
Mature.
Are you worried that I think you are not going to do Tonglen?
http://www.naljorprisondharmaservice.org/pdf/Tonglen.htm
Be a cat!
http://yinyana.tumblr.com/post/15243337807/lojong
You could learn to walk straight like any decent crustacean instead of sideways . . .
Talking of me . . . yep my favourite topic . . . oh wait just a dukkha construct . . . oh well enough about me . . . :wave: .
This is one of those situations where it's helpful, pehaps necessary to meditate on Rule 5. If you are overly concerned with others' opinion of you and what they say about you, it's time to go Rule 5 on them.
Sticks and stones, dude. Sticks and stones.
“You wouldn't worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.”
― Eleanor Roosevelt
But what about when people are saying intentionally offensive things behind your back and you know about it? Its hard for me to just shake that off especially when it feels as if I am being deceived.
What are they saying? Is there anything they are saying you can take and use? Sometimes when people are overly critical, even if their methods aren't very nice we can take something away from it to learn from.
Usually, either what they are saying is entirely wrong, in which case you shouldn't worry about it. Let them be jerks if that is how they want to behave. It doesn't have to reflect on you. Or, what they are saying is true, or partially true, and you have a choice to ignore it, or face it and do something about it.
As much as you can, remove toxic people from your life. It's much harder if they are certain family members, or co-workers. In which case, sometimes it helps to confront them as a bully if that is what they are doing and ask them what their problem is, basically.
Rule 5, dude. Meditate on The V.
The funny thing about worrying about what people say or think about me is that they are thinking or talking about who they think I am. Who they think I am is an illusion just as much as the illusion of me I have that I am wanting to protect. It seems to me to be a fool's game for all concerned.
I think we all become offended at what we perceive to be unfounded and overly-severe criticism.
I for one, have reached an age where i can pretty much discern the difference between a bitter person just venting, and someone who may well have a point.
In any case, I tend to err towards asking myself what could have made them say that? What triggered that opinion?
And even if I am offended - it doesn't necessarily make them wrong.... does it?
A bit of inward reflection and self-improvement never did anyone any harm...
When people are criticizing you, your behaviour or whatever, they actually are exposing themselves and their characters to you. So on the plus side, you just learn how they are. They just don't know who you are. You just don't have to believe in what they say. We are what we think.
On the other hand they might be right.
I have learned more from honest criticism than I have from apparent agreement.
Do some soul-searching to see if there is not some truth to what they say. You might learn something, even if you don't like what you see.
As to backstabbing, welcome to the real world: some people are like that.
Things are they way they are, people are the way they are. You can't control their behaviour, you can choose how to react to their behaviour.
If the fact that certain people don't accept you makes you miserable, or their opinion about you is more important than your own opinion about yourself, you'd better prepare yourself for a life of suffering.
You want things to follow your rules and it doesn't work that way. Suffering comes precisely from being unable to see or accept things as they are.
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I am reminded here of criticism levelled at Coco Chanel, by some (male) designers, whose egos had definitely been dented, and whose noses had been put out of joint, by this young (female) upstart who was proposing to open a new Salon in Paris.
They were at a convention, and sat at a table awaiting refreshments, and Coco was perusing the Convention glossy pamphlet, when some gentlemen spoke their minds and told her what they thought of her.
She replied:
"I really don't care what you think about me; I don't think about you at all."
And she returned to perusing the Convention catalogue...
We did our part. You asked a question, we answered to you from our different points of view, and I dare say any average self-help book could not do better than we did.
If you have a deep-seated self-esteem problem, you'd better address yourself to a shrink. That's as far as we can get. You are the only one who must tread the path. We can't walk it for you.
The same condition of re-opening this thread applies as with your other thread @heyimacrab. Just let me know...