Fostering and Possible Adoption
Frozen_Paratrooper
Veteran
I've been away a while and very busy with suddenly becoming a parent. One of those things where you wake up childless and before you go to bed, you have a child in your home. As I mentioned about 6 months ago, I was in the process of becoming a foster parent along with my wife. About two months ago, we took in an infant American Indian who had been temporarily removed from the custody of his parents.
At first, we were only supposed to have him for a few weeks. But then both of his parents were convicted of child neglect and endangerment and now it is less clear what becomes of the young baby. Their visitation rights are suspended as well. He was badly neglected by his awful parents, who preferred alcohol to caring for him.
When we agreed to take the child in, I went in fully knowing that it was temporary and we would just be caretakers for a little while. But now we find ourselves placed with this child for a long duration, at the very least 6 more months if not longer. All formative months of a young child's development. Already he thinks we are his parents and refers to us as mom and dad.
Now I'm pondering what was unthinkable to me months ago; filing for adoption. His parents are both twice our age, repeat criminal offenders and felons, already charged and convicted of neglecting him, and live in a veritable slum. Statistically, he will have zero chance of ever rising out of the misery that is his original home. My wife and I both work, have a nice home away from all the crime and drugs of his neighborhood, and...well we aren't felons.
We've come to really love the little guy and I'm considering pushing for custody soon. The way the law works on this sort of thing is not in our favor. You have to be a pretty awful parent to lose permanent parental rights. And even when the parents are criminals and neglectful and the alternative is a loving non-biological family, the courts still tend to side with birth parents 90% of the time. All the law and child services care about is if the child is not in physical danger with the birth parents. It's also complicated by the fact that the Indian Child Welfare Act would apply to this case, which tends to lengthen and complicate the eventual permanent placement in case of adoption.
I'm a little conflicted by it. I've met the birth parents and they aren't monsters. They're actually pretty agreeable and nice to me. But they're just awful parents. I know the damage it can potentially cause by removing a child from his actual parents, but he doesn't even know who they are. He's young and doesn't know the difference at this stage. We would of course explain it all to him when he's a little older.
Funny enough, I was the one warning my wife against attachment when we took the child in reminding her that all was temporary. It got me thinking about what is discussed a lot on here. Becoming attached and that causing our suffering. Surely if I wasn't successful in this venture, I would be deeply sad and suffer as a result. It just seems worth the risk.
Comments
If you DIDN'T apply for adoption, what if anything would change regarding custody of the little boy, say, in the near future? Distant future?
This is really a 'heart' thing, and thought filing to adopt him might only end up being an expensive gesture of your commitment to him
I can certainly understand doing it.
If you filed for adoption, the bio parents would have to suddenly 'get it together' and go to rehab and get in all their community service hours and parenting classes blah blah blah. If you didn't file (but planned on keeping him as long as possible) then the parents wouldn't have anything to react against, does that make sense? As long as there is no challenge to their parenthood, maybe they'll just maintain a non-functional lifestyle and eventually die of their disease(s) . . . ? But there would be no 'challenge' they could TEMPORARILY rise to the occasion for, get custody of the boy and then once they get him, fall apart again.
Just imagining the possibilities here. In order to make him legally and permanently your son, you might provoke them into throwing their weight around and it sounds like the little guy would have to go through THAT (them getting him and falling apart again). Maybe it would 'save' him at least ONE unfortunate interlude back with his parents where he'd be neglected and abused if you just kept the status quo?
There seems to be a shitty choice and a shittier choice only, maybe best to just love him as much as you can during these important developmental years and if he is returned to his parents, he'll have what you and your wife did for him under his belt. Ugh, what a tough row to hoe.
Have you been able to discuss any of this with the birth parents? Do you know how they feel about the idea of you adopting?
Can you adopt the parents too?
I am forever amazed and in awe of people like you and your wife Frozen_Paratrooper. I hope that things work out for you, and of course, the little boy.
Lately, they've been sort of AWOL, not returning calls or texts and not meeting for a visitation for over two weeks. As Hamsaka says, I'm hesitant to broach the subject with them or outright file for custody this early on as I imagine they could just barely prove themselves functional for a few months, just enough to get him back before the neglect and abuse sets back in. When we picked him up originally from the family, he was filthy and obviously mal-treated. He's behind other kids of the same age he's around in terms of speech and walking, mostly because he was left in a crib most of the time and ignored. But in a month, he's gotten much better freely roaming our house and talking to us
I talked it over with my wife and for now, we're content to see what they do after this conviction and sentencing.
Does the child have other extended family that might fight an adoption by someone outside the family, especially if you and/or your wife are not NA? There have been several cases here where children were fostered and even adopted by non-Indian parents and eventually a biological parent came back to win their child because of the law you mentioned (in those cases though, I believe it was the mother putting the child up for adoption and the father not being aware/not being sought). Certainly a lot to think about. For me, when a big decision arrives, I think through possibilities, but then I put it to rest for a while and see what arises. Best wishes to you, and to the little man.
It sounds like the parents are more likely to NOT qualify for custody as long as you don't file for adoption.
It sort of forces you and your wife to blaze a new 'trail' within your own hearts, so to speak. Can you call him your son if you never file to adopt him legally? What IS a son or a daddy, anyway? I do believe sons and daddies pre-date adoption law
.
If, as I would, you'd feel 'safer' letting your guard down only after you legally adopted him, this might be your and your wife's 'call' to redefine or challenge any presuppositions or preexisting attitudes you may have. Just as a for instance.
In the end, does it matter that you two could never 'really just love him without fear of losing him' because you don't adopt him? Parents lose the biological children all the time
if the child dies. There are no guarantees, and adopting your little guy won't provide any even if you succeed. Maybe what matters is that you all love and are bonded to each other by love and family and all that mushy but soooo important stuff?
That's a good point. In the end, we're not going to love him any less because we may or may not lose him in the future. And to me, blood doesn't matter. Your parents are the ones who raise you, not the ones who happen to share your DNA.
As far as we're concerned, we call him our son, even though we're a little less comfortable doing that publicly yet.
I don't know if any relatives would step in to take him. They haven't yet, which leads me to suspect they won't. The way Native American adoptions work is tricky. If parental rights are ever terminated, it falls to extended family first, then the tribe, then strangely any non-related tribe in the country (He's Athabascan so for instance a Commanche could adopt), then lastly us.