A newbie's questions
Susanna
Explorer
I'm a beginner, so please be gentle.
Just to introduce myself, I'm a single mum of a teenage son and a daughter at uni, living with the financial and emotional fallout of a very messy and unpleasant divorce. I lost my dad a few years ago, and my mum is confused and living in a nursing home. I'm getting to the age when my body is starting to let me down in places, and one of my best friends has recently been diagnosed with a terminal disease. So when I discovered the Buddhist teachings on suffering and impermanence they made a lot of sense to me.
As far as practice goes, besides trying to get up to speed with the ethical aspects, I'm meditating on the breath for ten minutes every morning. But I have to say I am absolutely useless at it. I suffer from anxiety a lot of the time, and between worrying about the future and nostalgic cravings for the past it is difficult to find any present space for me to be in! There are a lot of good things in my life (I have enough work, the children are doing well and I have a partner whom I love very much) but the knowledge of impermanence gets in the way. I half-expect it all to fall apart at any moment.
Anyway, some basic questions:
1) Do you think I should just carry on doing breathing meditation and keep it simple? Is this lack of progress normal? How will I know when I am progressing?
2) This is one about karma. My ex-husband and I had a very long, on-off relationship. There were a lot of coincidences in the way we met, and at times it seemed that we were "doomed to be together" - our relationship never worked well for very long, but we couldn't stay apart for long either. I wonder now whether there was some involvement of karma in this. Of course that's all speculation, but what I want to know is how not to generate any more negative karma in this situation. I don't have any contact with him except for brief texts regarding the children, but I feel intense regret for the way everything turned out and a lot of compassion for him (though if I do by chance see him, the old adrenalin reaction kicks in and all I feel is fear and a desire to be as far away as possible).
3) Lastly, I don't understand what nirvana actually is. Having been brought up in the Christian tradition, I tend to imagine it as a place. But is it something that can be achieved during this lifetime on earth? Or does it mean not having to come back again to this vale of tears?
Any advice appreciated, thanks!
Susanna.
Comments
Yes, stick with it. Also, if focusing on your breath alone isn't enough, try using a meditation word like buddho or listening to a Dhamma talk while meditating.
Practice the four brahma-viharas and follow the Buddha's advice to his son, Rahula.
Nibbana is the extinction of craving (tahna); and the extinguishing of greed, hatred, and delusion. Most Buddhists seem to agree that it's not a place, but something that can be achieved in this very life (and many also think it means the end of rebirth as well).
It is great that you mediate and continue it and may learn from experts in free time.
I don't mediate at all even i continue reading some Buddhist text but at most time it is not in my day to day life to handle stress.
One day you would get answers of life as you practice it regularly.
I may not authenticate person to say what nirvana actually is but it is sure it starts with knowing first time that everything is temporary and it is useless to try to crave for the things which changes.
Even problems are also temporary.
Most definitely carry on! It's something that requires continuing practice in order to progress. If you don't carry on with it, you're guaranteed to not make any progress.
As far as "lack of progress normal?", it depends on how long you've been doing it. It takes time to progress. How much time really depends on the individual person.
Hi, @Susanna:
Of course, keep meditating!
Buddhism is a path with practice.
The theory is useless unless you put all that lovely doctrine to good use.
Don't think in terms of linear progress: relax, enjoy, and before you know it, the anxiety will loosen up.
And all the things in your life which don't quite make sense right now will gradually begin to add up. Or maybe they won't, but you'll manage to be happy and contented anyway.
Don't use the concept of impermanence as an excuse to put a sour note on your life.
Rather, it will help you to be more acceptant of situations when life doesn't go the way you'd like it to be, which to be honest, is most of the time.
Nirvana is not a place: it's a state of mind. Attaining inner peace, not dwelling on your neurosis, as Ch Trunpga would have it. Feeling contented with what you have, and accepting what you can't change.
@Susanna. Don't worry so much about your progress. Just keep at it. If thinking about impermanence causes you to worry about it all falling apart then are you not torturing yourself? Don't worry.
How to help yourself to get away from worry. Why not try this. When breathing in have an idea of relaxation in. When breathing out have an idea of worry out.
May you know happiness and peace.
Lots of good advice here, @Susanna .
Lovely to meet you - you're very welcome, and we're very glad to have you with us.
I'm sorry about the turmoil you currently find yourself in.
While practice makes perfect, feel free to vent occasionally. It's ok, and completely acceptable!
Susanna,
Don't meditate with any expectation of deriving any benefit. Just dwell in your breath, just watching it and being with it. I find that if you find a comfortable posture and start off with a few deep breaths, you can really get into it. Just dwell on the qualities of your breathing and don't seek to control it. Every day is different. Some days you may dive so deep into following your breath that it may seem like you no longer need to breathe. Just keep coming back to the breath and try to see it as all that is happening. Looking for progress is a Mistake. Time Future and Time Past do not exist, except in the mind.
2) Forget Karma. That is usually something reeking in metaphysics. The Buddha eschewed metaphysics and fruitless speculation. When he spoke of karma it was on a moral level, really. You say you grew up Christian. What about the Forgiveness of Sins? Buddha taught this also in his own way by accepting into the company of his followers those who had been gross sinners (even a horrendous murderer who had collected the skulls of his victims).
3) To add to what Jason said about Nirvana above, vis à vis yor query: It's not so much a destination (place or state-of-being) as it is a grounding in reality. The metaphysical trappings of samsara and the like are just added distractions, IMO. Classically, samsara speaks about an eternal recycling machine into which all beings return; even the high gods degenerate in time into worms. It's just an old cosmology that was prevalent in Buddha's day and has no important place in our world today, IMO.
Hi @Susanna - my concern for you is the level of anxiety you seem to be living with.
I'd suggest (if you are able) you start with some professional therapy in order to help you get this sorted out.
Trying to sit with a lot of anxiety may not be beneficial and may even be harmful (just my opinion!)
If you can get your levels of anxiety down then you may get more out of your time meditating.
Good luck!
You an' me both.
However . . . we have to start somewhere. I have a feeling @grackle may have provided a useful technique or method for now. Be prepared to change your time, method and support structure.
Others here will support with a rich diversity.
. . . for a while I meditated with a chamomile herbal tea, which I would mindfully sip during my meditation time. Tai Chi or yoga can be a form of moving meditation as a prelude to more advanced meditation. Sitting still is an advanced practice. Very worthwhile though.
Incidentally beginner is where we start each day from . . . well I do . . .
:wave: .
PS. You could prepare for joining an online course . . .
http://www.vipassana.com/course/
. . . .read the excellent 'meditation for dummies' or similar . . .
The supports for the practice are equally important. One's lifestyle should be simple and conducive to freedom from regrets and remorse as far as possible. Only then can meditation really take off.
Yeah, but saying that finding someone to give pointers can help too. People (like me) can meditate for 10 years and never question their practice. Ultimately you have to find your own way but a teacher can help.
Sometimes in scriptures it is set up as a place. My teacher says this is intuitive because our minds find it natural to be in space, motion, sensing an area, and so forth. But it isn't a place like in outer space or something like that. Well what do I know? Maybe it is ha! But I think it's just intuitive to understand Nirvana as a happy place.
May I suggest some online Dharma talks?
One of the things I like about it is that it is like a guided Meditation practice - an online teacher if you will that takes the stress out of "trying to relax."
I find answers at this site.
audiodharma.org/
There is a good selection and the teachers are skillful in their presentation. You can search for specific topics such as Meditation, Karma and Nirvana as well as the fundamentals of the Four Noble Truths and Eightfold path.
I like Gil Fronsdal's gentle presentation and find his lectures very insightful.
btw, I was a single parent too for a while and had to deal with the ex and the associated adrenaline reaction. Learning to understand my reactions and how they affected me has ultimately proven to be great experience along the Buddhist path.
It was the most difficult and the most rewarding thing I have ever done.
Thanks for your replies, everybody. I will certainly have plenty of food for thought! It's interesting to see such a diversity of views as well.