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An interesting piece that made me think of intention and skillful speech

Rowan1980Rowan1980 Keeper of the ZooAsheville, NC Veteran
edited January 2015 in Buddhism Today

This post popped up into my feeds earlier this week, and I thought it would be worth a share:

elephantjournal.com/2014/07/the-hidden-violence-in-non-violent-new-age-communication/

Granted, they specifically mention New Age spirituality in this piece, but I can see the concept of hiding judgmental, holier-than-thou, unkind intent and mentalities being hidden by carefully crafted "non-violent" speech can be found in pretty much any religious or philosophical community. I feel that it's a form of spiritual bullying, for the lack of a better phrase at the moment. It also goes back to the discussions in many other posts about needing to temper compassion with wisdom, and vice versa.

lobsterBuddhadragon

Comments

  • RodrigoRodrigo São Paulo, Brazil Veteran

    @Rowan1980 said:

    I feel that it's a form of spiritual bullying, for the lack of a better phrase at the moment.

    Spiritual materialism?

  • federicafederica Seeker of the clear blue sky... Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator

    With regard to your link, frankly, and solely in my opinion, the problem doesn't necessarily lie in the content of someone's response to grief, sadness, attachment.... the problem lies in the timing.

    None of those comments are incorrect.
    What is inappropriate, what is unskilful, is the timing of the comments.
    I keep mentioning Richard Gere's benevolent message for understanding and compassion from the American people, for the terrorists in the 9/11 attack.
    Quite right, quite humanitarian, quite Buddhist and absolutely correct.

    His timing really sucked though.
    But really, really sucked.

    lobsterSarahTKundo
  • Rowan1980Rowan1980 Keeper of the Zoo Asheville, NC Veteran
    edited January 2015

    @Rodrigo‌ - It could very well be a manifestation of spiritual materialism. (I need to read that book now!)

  • Rowan1980Rowan1980 Keeper of the Zoo Asheville, NC Veteran
    edited January 2015

    @federica‌ Timing is definitely a huge factor, sure. I remember hearing OF Gere's words a few years back, and I have to agree that, yes, as kind and well-intentioned as they were, his timing needed work.

  • federicafederica Seeker of the clear blue sky... Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator
    edited January 2015

    @Rodrigo‌ that link isn't working for me. Maybe it's this one....?

  • Rowan1980Rowan1980 Keeper of the Zoo Asheville, NC Veteran

    That's the one. I manually entered the search term in Wikipedia when I got the error screen.

  • RodrigoRodrigo São Paulo, Brazil Veteran

    @federica said:
    Rodrigo‌ that link isn't working for me. Maybe it's this one....?

    Sorry. That's it.

  • lobsterlobster Veteran
    edited January 2015

    An interesting piece that made me think of intention and skillful speech

    Thanks for sharing - that it is excellent, well expressed and skilful. Timing as @federica‌ mentions is important, as is intent.

    As a very passive aggressive person, I have to get cushion therapy just to stop ignorance raising its arising (so to speak).

    It is unkind and unskilful to present insight that may be true but is an arising of self rather than compassion for other.

    It takes a great deal of insight to push a little Dukkha into people's being to allow a breakthrough to a more encompassing vantage. Most people do not have such a capacity, the required insight or the wisdom [Put your hand down Mr Cushion, before I sit on you - oops] . . .

    Mouth gate/guard in place . . .

    KundoRowan1980
  • BuddhadragonBuddhadragon Ehipassiko & Carpe Diem Samsara Veteran

    @Rowan1980 said:
    Granted, they specifically mention New Age spirituality in this piece, but I can see the concept of hiding judgmental, holier-than-thou, unkind intent and mentalities being hidden by carefully crafted "non-violent" speech can be found in pretty much any religious or philosophical community. I feel that it's a form of spiritual bullying, for the lack of a better phrase at the moment. It also goes back to the discussions in many other posts about needing to temper compassion with wisdom, and vice versa.

    I do agree, Fede, that the timing adds to the relevance of the message, but I have lived two situations which are in keeping with the drift of the article and I find it so head-on.

    One of them is: when our baby died, my Christian friends sent me messages about our baby being in a better world and God having better plans...
    Regardless of the fact that I'm a Buddhist, these words sound so shallow and useless and empty when a person is experiencing life's worst tragic countenance.
    I would not dare say to someone going through a painful experience: "Oh, yes, dear, remember life is dukkha, and impermanence..."
    I would just cradle that person in my arms and cry with them.

    Second situation: the person who wields spirituality as a weapon of judgement.
    Who has not come across the average new-agey johnny who is always pointing out to others how unskillful their words are, their actions are, while grinning with do-goodness and your best interests in mind?
    One of my acquaintances is all disguised in metta and karuna, but can brow you down in half a second with the bat of an eyelid.
    You can actually read passive-aggressiveness and repression splashed all over her body language and disapproval in her pupils.
    We all see it except herself.

    KundoRowan1980lobsterfederica
  • SarahTSarahT Time ... space ... joy South Coast, UK Veteran

    Passive aggression, mixed messages - sadly all too common in these days of "body language" training etc. Honesty may involve vulnerability and possible hurt to those who do not appreciate a "lack of tactfulness" but give me that to treading on egg-shells any day, having no idea whether people mean what they say or not - or even whether they know? Understand and agree that mindful communication includes an awareness of timing but my ideal (not that you'd know it from my verbose and frequent comments here!) is to be quick to listen, slow to speak.

    Metta

    S

    BuddhadragonRowan1980lobster
  • "The problem with many people is that they listen to respond, when they should be listening to understand."

    B)

    Very wise.

    When we listen and hear the communication (silence too is an answer) we start to wonder how can I hear what is being said, rather than assuming what we hear has any semblance of full understanding.

    Contentious communication is normally based around arrogance and pride. To use it skilfully we have to know and be aware of our lesser inclinations. Who feels up for that? Anybody? Nothing to say Mr Cushion?

    Rowan1980
  • HamsakaHamsaka goosewhisperer Polishing the 'just so' Veteran

    I loved this article. It reminds me of how 'invisible' psychological violence often is. It's explained away and excused but mostly defended because it works! Psychological violence is quite normal. It's constant, this is a violent samsara when you get down to it.

    lobsterRowan1980Buddhadragon
  • BuddhadragonBuddhadragon Ehipassiko & Carpe Diem Samsara Veteran

    @Hamsaka said:
    I loved this article. It reminds me of how 'invisible' psychological violence often is. It's explained away and excused but mostly defended because it works! Psychological violence is quite normal. It's constant, this is a violent samsara when you get down to it.

    What I loved the most about this article is that it tackles precisely that often elusive violence and bullying inherent in what would be supposed to be precisely non-aggressive, spiritual communication.

    Rowan1980Hamsaka
  • HamsakaHamsaka goosewhisperer Polishing the 'just so' Veteran

    @DhammaDragon said:
    What I loved the most about this article is that it tackles precisely that often elusive violence and bullying inherent in what would be supposed to be precisely non-aggressive, spiritual communication.

    The human species still relies very much on the power of 'aggression'. The more civilized, the more sublimated the aggression becomes. We used to beat each other up to get our point across. Now, we imply someone's lower value than ours by being doggedly 'right' about some subject. We can imply this with the most flowery prose but that which 'hears' still hears violence, and responds accordingly.

    You can't spit on a cupcake and call it 'frosting' without mutual collaboration. I rarely need another actual person to delude myself thanks to the factions and committees that I mistake for 'me'.

    I sense people in general would rather not acknowledge psychological violence. It is 'weak' to snivel and moan (read: acknowledge) 'violence'. Buck up. If you can't run with dogs, stay on the porch.

    silverlobsterBuddhadragonRowan1980
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