Compassion in thought and compassion in action
karasti
BreathingMinnesota Moderator
In many topics here it often comes up that we can't always actively do something but we can say mantras, we can practice tonglen, we can practice in some way to increase our compassion and send positive energy out to the world.
This morning on a yoga group I am in, we were discussing the tendency so many of us have to strive for perfection, to be unkind and ungentle with ourselves. This is something I have worked on for a long time, and I am sure will be a lifelong practice. But I had some thoughts on it that were interesting to me.
The farther removed a person or situation is from me, the easier it is to be compassionate. I can practice tonglen for terrorists or murderers, because it seems obvious they hurt others due to the suffering they experience, and it's overflowing into the world. But the closer I get to myself, the more difficult it is, and I've never been able to figure out why. I have a very hard time developing the same compassion and understanding for my almost 90 year old grandma whose offenses are far less than any criminal.
I think that the reason (for me at least) is because the closer you get to home (yourself) the more action is required. I can sit in my living room and practice for evil strangers. But bringing that practice to my family, sitting and practicing Tonglen is no longer enough. It is still a good thing, and it helps me to cultivate the things I need to take it into my daily life. But I still have to make a choice, perform an action of some sort, when my grandma calls me while I'm in the bath and insists I get out of the bath and go to her house when it's -40 outside just to get a plate of cookies. Knowing which action is right for the both of us is tricky, and hard. Often I have to go out of my comfort zone to do those things on behalf of someone else, and that is hard too.
When it comes to myself, it's even harder still. Recognizing our thought patterns and behaviors and habits and then realizing we need to change them and make those changes is the hardest thing of all. It might be easy to see we are doing something unskillfully, but it can be very difficult to make the changes so that you can be skillful instead. Rather that try, we often realize we need to change, don't know how or can't quite do it, and then are hard on ourselves because of it.
Just my thoughts for the morning. I found it an interesting revelation to a problem I deal with often. But again, now it is on me to make a change, to see "Ahh, this is why I do that." is one thing. To get out of my comfort zone, my static patterns, to make that change is incredibly hard. I don't even know where to summon it from, or if it is developed well enough to be there for me to take from.
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It really is hard to go outside our comfort zone. That's why people have anxiety and panic attacks. What I/we need is more equanimity. I am afraid to get my oil changed today because it is out of my comfort zone. I am not sure what is to be done? Probably more meditation would help.
Its more easy to kill some one on distance then kill them by hand. One sniper can just sit 1 km from the target, while vikings had to be much tougher, with just one sword, and face the enemy on a much closer distance, this need more courage, endurance and mental strongness.
Its same with compassion I think, you need much more courage and effort and hardwork to love and be compassionate with everyone close to you. Because they hit you harder, its more ups and downs. And its on close range. So you have to be strong and never give up
Now I have to make some dinner! If not they smack me down.
@Jeffrey I am the same with some things. Even if I have done them before and they went fine, I dread doing it again. Car repairs are one, I am always afraid they will be more than I can afford. Dealing with my student loan company is another thing, even though they are always friendly when I call, I dread it and put it off as long as possible. Strange habits we develop. I try to figure out where it comes from, but not much luck, and even if I do know it doesn't help me work past it.
I had to chuckle, because after I posted my OP, I decided to take a bath as I feel I am getting my son's cold. My grandma called and asked me to put her garbage to the curb and it needed to be done now as they come soon. Nevermind that I offered last night to do it first thing this morning since I would be out anyhow, and she declined, lol.
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When I first read your OP, @karasti, one of the first thoughts to cross my mind, was that quiet little rascal inside of us that wants to control as much as possible (ego?). I'm sure we all have that and we forget that we have that strong urge to control that disguises itself as 'being responsible' or any number of things.
I'm curious as to the situation you have with your grandma there, about having offered to take it out first thing in the morning: I wondered if it would've been possible to have gone ahead and do it anyway (with a smile / good attitude) so as to avoid any inconveniences...is the situation conducive to this possible tack?
She is extremely insistent on things being done exactly her way and on her time schedule. Her routine has always been very definite, but now she cannot maintain it alone and she refuses to let any of it go. If I would have brought it out without her knowledge, she would have done all the work to get dressed to go out in the winter weather to take out the garbage (she stores it in the garage and and then gets taken to the curb the morning off so that animals are less likely to get in it) and found it wasn't there. She has congestive heart failure and COPD and even just getting dressed is a lot of work for her. I'd rather she allow us to do it for her, considering her condition, but she wants the opportunity to do it herself and get out of her house. She is mostly homebound especially in the winter (which here lasts about November to April) so she likes her little ventures outside. I offered to take it out at 7am when I was dropping my son off, but she said no no, she would like to do it. So I left it alone, but then she called saying she didn't feel like taking it out after all. Which then turns it into my emergency because she only has one garbage can and it's totally full, so it had to go out.
There are days she calls 5-7 times, asking someone to come over to do various things for her. She wants me to go downstairs and get her toilet paper, because she cannot ask my son or my uncle to do that as it's inappropriate (because, you know, males don't use toilet paper...). But then 2 minutes after I come home, she calls asking my son to go over and do something else, because that job isn't appropriate for a female (like putting a box in the attic). There's a lot of that that goes on, and she is oblivious to how it impacts the things we have going on. When it is brought to her attention, she doesn't care. She just honestly expects everyone to make her priorities, our priorities. She has gone so far as to suggest my son shouldn't go away to college because she needs him to shovel.
It is just how she is, which is ok. I don't expect her to change much at her age
But it makes me averse to spending time with her, and I just get annoyed every time she calls and so far, no luck getting out from under how I feel about her. I love her. But much of the time, I do not particularly like her.
Oh my...that is a complicated situation. It's a shame she's got that attitude. How old is she, anyway (maybe you mentioned it but I didn't see it anywhere). It reminds me of having watched the movie Titanic a couple days ago, when the richies were being told to take their lifejackets and dress warmly because the ship was sinking and the mom said to one of the cruise attendants to warm up her cabin and that she would like tea when she returns. Ha ha!
Karasti, I am reminded of my own history with my grandmother. Although that was more complicated because she raised me. And nagged me to death for the rest of her life. Looking back now I see that I made a drastic mistake in how I handled it. I kept pushing back, pushing back, pushing back. I joined the battle. It would have been much better to have stepped away...eliminated the battle...until the lesson had been learned.
Your situation is not the same as mine was, so I am not suggesting you do that. I am just musing because just a couple of days ago (after all these years) I saw the error in my tactics.
@silver she will be 89 in February.
@vinlyn When I interact with her, I am always cautious of my tone, I don't ever want it to come across that I'm irritated, though when she is being unreasonable I am not afraid to tell her so. I have gotten better at telling her no, which helps my stress level, lol. We do have other family here she can call, she has a son and daughter and several other grand and great grand children within 10 minutes, so she doesn't have to rely entirely on me though she would prefer to, it seems.
I try to imagine what it'll be like for me when I am that age, but I am not so nearly as attached to my home as so many people from her generation. She went through the Depression and has a lot of hangups about that, it affects how she does her shopping and her fears of running out of heating fuel or food, even though she has plenty to afford both. So I guess there are some areas I have gained some understanding over the years. I guess my problem isn't just the way she acts, but my guilt over how I feel about her. I kind of feel bad that I don't like spending time with her, though I do it anyhow and I never regret it. But if I don't keep some distance then she will start trying to rely entirely on me, and I have to step back again, kind of like you said @vinlyn. It would be easier to do so if she didn't live 40 feet from us, lol.
@Karasti said:
Oooooh, yes, resonating with you here. Recognizing is one thing, CHANGING quite another. Easy to see and know it is unskillful, so difficult to make consistent, concrete change. And not knowing HOW to make those necessary changes, however big or small, oh yes.
I had something pointed out to me which was great.
For so reason we seem to put dead people or people far away on an altar. Whilst not so much people close by.
Like wow we need more people like ghandi, Jesus, Buddha, Sri Ramana, Mother Teresa.
I bet we have people like this in the world, we will only recognise them years from now. To close to home?
I guess we project an entity of how we imagine the person to be. Then we get love or compassion for them.
But people close to home don't conform to our perfect projections.
The problem therefore is ourselves. I get annoyed at my wife for doing something like knocking the laptop off the bed.
The annoyance arises spontaneously. If I can catch it early.
I don't react, I just observe. Then I realise the problem was my expectation of not having the laptop knocked.(clinging)
Use these experiences with your grandmother as a learning tool. It's not her fault. (Unaware conditioning)
And you have the power to not react blindly. By watching.
Don't get me wrong, I got really really angry a year ago. Like rage. I wasn't aware.
Now I'm watching the karma of this play out. Not as in bad luck but as in thoughts arising. Like now
If I was aware I wouldn't have got that angry. All your doing is poisoning yourself.
Metta
Great thread guys.
You can run to the idealisations, retreats, Mr Cushion, best lama in the district etc. Still gonna have to sit down and realise you are an aristocratic, half starved weirdo who needs to take a look at ones situation - Poor Buddha Boy. Spoiler: He done good in the end . . .
What can we realistically and effectively do? For me personally it is important to squash a cushion and I have just recently started gentle yoga again, I luvs it. Yoga is calming. I need the inner emotional tranquility, being a creature with claws growing out of my head . . . so to speak . . .
Regarding those non perfect people around us, them sleeping Buddhas, those teachers in disguise . . . they are reflections of our dream state. How do they appear?
Pureland? Hell realm? The Matrix? Just life? Everyone is on a path.
. . . and now back to the real world . . .
I am afraid to get my oil changed today because it is out of my comfort zone.
Mindfulness certainly helps. I use to do oil changes myself but would sometimes forget to let the engine cool down, singed fingers due to red hot oil [ouch!]
My grandma is definitely one of my greatest teachers
I would prefer to shut the phone off during those times I need quiet, but we have a diabetic 6 year old who just started school so I have to stay available for the nurse to call.
I am grateful for my meditation and yoga, that allows me not to react like I did once upon a time. I just wish I didn't have the feelings/thoughts at all and could just stay in the moment instead of dreading. Ironically, I probably get the most upset (though I do not point that out to her or anything like that) when she interrupts my yoga. Not very yogic, or Buddhist
I know I won't regret the time I've spent with her when she passes on one day. I am grateful to still have a grandparent at my age, and that my children have a great-grandmother. Actually, my grandma's mom was alive until quite recently as well, so that was a great benefit to our family as well.
@karasti - my phone has a function so that I can select which calls I hear at certain "sleep" times. Could you get a phone with a similar function so that it only rings if it is the nurse calling you whilst you are doing yoga?
Just a thought
Giving myself a break from the phone is one of the ways I show myself compassion.
@SarahT Thank you! I will have to look if my phone does that (I have a galaxy S5 so it's a recent phone) or at least find an app that does. That would be awesome, lol. I truly need a break from my phone but I feel tied to it because of my son, so this would be a life saver