Dealing with anger
nakazcid
Somewhere in Dixie, y'all Veteran
This morning when got to work, a co-worker was 20 minutes late to work (again), leaving me working the phones alone. Normally this doesn't bother me much, but for some reason it set me off this morning. I didn't say anything to her, but was fuming for 40 minutes or so. Working with customers restored some equanmity, and I found myself in a fairly good mood after an hour or two.
Getting to the point, why was I feeling so angry about this? I've been meditating pretty consistently, and thought I had made at least some progress, though I haven't been specifically working with anger. Normally her lateness doesn't set me off like this, so why now? Is it possibly some side effect from meditating more often?
Also, according to TNH we need to care for our anger like a "howling baby", tending to it carefully. Problem is, I'm not really sure where to begin with this. Any suggestions for working with anger? Should I focus on this specific incident, or try an "antidote" for anger in general?
Comments
Watch closely where the anger comes from. What thoughts precede it. Watch the feeling of anger where it arises in the body.
Now what is it that makes you angry?
Keep watching till you understand. Then you should give up the value which makes you angry.
Then you should stop your coworker from coming late. Or get compensation for extra work. Nobody should work for free.
/Victor
Not that it always works, and sometimes I forget to do it, but my little trick for bringing down the anger is to simply sit down and start saying to myself, "To the Buddha I go for refuge. To the Dhamma I go for refuge. To the Sangha I go for refuge." After a few minutes of doing that, at least the outward anger fades for me most of the time.
I've already bookmarked this thread! Boy, this is a really big issue for me, too. What I've noticed since mindfulness practice and meditation, is that I actually notice when and that I am angry. I do believe it's true that the practices are like any kind of good therapy, where it brings things to the surface that have been lurking way down deep - and at various levels...so much so, for me, that for days, I become very restless and find it hard to do the practices, but I feel instinctively that it's important to keep it going to the best of my ability. It's not a joke - it's the true gift that keeps on giving, in my book anyway.
Anger is a big problem for me. These are some of things that help:
I know full well that life tightens me up, like a spring, too much stress and we get build up.
The ideal of not being wound up by life is a constant vigilance/mindfulness that I still fail to engage in . . . [I iz just a beginner . . .]
Sometimes I find, just keeping my big fat mouth shut, keeps me out of trouble. If Mrs Tosh is 'having a go' at me, I'll just shut up and try to listen. Occasionally I can kind of 'relax' into it.
But often I'll fail even at that. But I am getting better, so maybe this implies that I'm better at being mindful?
Developing some mindfulness can be quite uncomfortable at times, being more directly aware of difficult feelings than previously, maybe feeling a bit guilty because us Buddhists are supposed to all calm and compassionate, stuff like that.
There are practices you can do like metta bhavana or similar, but maybe the best approach in the moment to be kind to the anger, accepting of the feelings, that often diffuses it somewhat. Like "Yeah, there's some anger here, but it will pass, I'm just human, I'm not enlightened." Sometimes just re-establishing mindfulness in the body can be helpful, like watching the breath for a couple of minutes.
@nakazcid
Meditation is the throwing down of a gauntlet at the feet of your Ego.
As a perpetual newby, you have just challenged an experienced brawler.
Your own past conditioning is the inertia of years of active battle survival
which you are now choosing to spar against in a war of attrition.
This is a challenge to the status quo, not going out on a date.
All manor of surprising feints & attacks from your own conditioning (like anger) will be forthcoming, not because your meditation isn't working......
but because it is.
Somewhere down the line, this contest will be experienced for the dream that it is but for now, it better explains why the field of contest can appear to include blood amongst the promised flowers.
This morning I was grumpy because there was stuff on my dresser (long low dresser). Turned out it was mostly stuff my girlfriend bought at Goodwill for me to try on and some other junk. But it was funny it just appeared in my mind whereas I usually take things in stride. I just sorted out the stuff and had a shower and by that time I forgot all about it. Ayya Khem (a Theravada nun) says that kleshas (anger is one) just fade and disappear with enough time if we hold them meditatively in mind.
No matter how many years you meditate, @nakazcid, there will always be circumstances in life that will trigger your anger faster than others.
In this particular circumstance, I dare say that the fact that this situation is not an isolated happenstance might be at the root of your anger.
I would talk to your colleague if I were you, and let her know how you feel about her coming late to the office.
So she was 20 minutes late, and you spent twice as long as her absence being fuming, and up to 6 times as long being upset/angry over it? Was that the best use of your time? Elsa knows. Let it go. Take a few seconds and do deep breathing, take refuse like @vinlyn said, I do that and it does work.
Meditation isn't going to make you more angry. But meditation will make you face yourself, your personality, your faults. It will make you see that you get angry and you will recognize it more often. It might not be that you get angry more often, but that you are more aware of it than you use to be. If you are a person who has, your whole life, been prone to anger and other negative emotions, it is going to take longer for meditation to help you work it out. The more work you have to do, the longer it will take. The more grime on your window, the longer it takes to clean.
"Any suggestions for working with anger? "
Was the co-worker deliberately trying to make you angry ? And if so why would she be doing this ? What is happening in her life causing her to take it out on your 'self' ?
It's also quite possible that you have subconsciously been gradually winding your 'self' up over other issues-little niggly things that annoyed you eg the traffic on the way to work-what somebody said that you didn't agree with etc-each incident a slight turn of the winder and your co-worker being the release switch for your built up (wound up0 feelings...
Being mindful is a 24/7/365 practice (The mind is always present-the feelings,the thoughts etc, come and go -rise and fall-ones awareness is always available, waiting for the order to be activated) and those feelings of anger are good practice...
This is a long post, my first post on this forum. If this is helpful to anyone and they reply to this effect, especially nackzid, I will continue this post since it's something I've spent many hours thinking about. This is the sort of thing I tell my patients and formerly told my students and sometimes it's a good idea to get it down on paper. First, it's important to understand that initially anger is not an emotion, it's a biological reaction like a reflex, a response not to your co-worker directly but to the fear that her or his action has stimulated in you. The fear is subtle and perhaps difficult to see and so I will talk about it in a moment.
Anger is one of the three energy manifestations of the fear response. It's the fight alternative in the triad fight, flight or freeze response. Obviously, you don't want to flee from your job, perhaps on principal and perhaps because you can't financially so the first alternative is out. You cannot freeze altogether, doing nothing is not an alternative because that would be tantamount to fleeing since you'd likely get fired. You had to answer the phone and so the anger response is the obvious choice. Anger, by the way, is the most obvious choice in family and work disputes which is what I see most often in my practice. Nobody wants to leave their job or family and so they instead suck it up and feel anger. If it's not expressed to the person, it's divided between the freeze and the fight response.
The fight/freeze response sends the fear energy from your amygdala where it originates to various parts of your body, your adrenal system, triggering cortisol, your immune system shuts down, blood goes to various muscles in preparation for the battle or the retreat. Meanwhile, energy from the amygdala also travels to your frontal cortex, triggering the many layers of your belief or interpretation system, conscious and unconscious, which manifests itself as the many layers of angry thoughts or ruminations. Those ruminations keep returning to the amygdala and re-triggering it. Re-triggering enhances the physiological response, fear, anger, thoughts, more fear, anger, thoughts and the vicious cycle of re-triggering and ruminating begins and will usually continue until there is a confrontation or a distraction such as deep concentration on another biological phenomenon, such as focusing on your breathing. There are multiple approaches to this problem but two basic ones, biological soothing or cognitive soothing. Biological soothing, that is focusing on a biological phenomenon such as breathing, or cognitive soothing such as a mantra. There are other forms of cognitive soothing like focusing on your "reality demands," that is futile demands that reality not be reality. But meanwhile, what began the whole thing, what is at the root of this is fear, an initial bit of raw fear as you realized she was going to be late and then bursts of cognitive fear or anxiety. I know calling this a fear reaction sounds a little like blaming the victim. It is unlikely that you thought of yourself as afraid, after all, you're not cowering, you're angry at this injustice, you're ready to blow up and yell at the co-worker. Anger feels like the opposite of fear but it is actually just one of the thousands of costumes that fear dons, depression, hate, shame are to name just a few of the disguises. This injustice that this person committed—and it sounds like it was indeed an injustice and probably is part of a pattern of injustices that he or she commits, and you're probably a considerate person, just the fact that you're trying to deal with your anger through Buddhism and self-reflection suggests this is so—made you afraid if only for a split second, prior to your anger.
Just to recap, all anger comes from fear, just like every tree comes from a seed. Instead of running away or hiding under your desk, you became angry, and that is a very human response but you should know that anger is extremely painful to the person who is angry and yet releasing it, especially in a situation like a job where you're bound to somebody, usually makes it worse. Amygdala responses are contagious, evolution meant for them to interact, just like the antlers of elk interlock. But caring for your anger like a howling baby will not make it better because that will continue to disguise the fear that's underneath it. Fear is the howling baby, the baby is afraid and when babies are afraid they howl and they often demand to be soothed.
(okay, if this strikes a cord with anyone, I'd gladly add the rest of it which will include a more practical approach to dealing with this problem, but if this sound too technical, abstract or aloof, I'll just be on my way).
The lojong teachings helped me. Trungpa and Pema Chodron both give explanations of them and also other teachers that I cannot remember.
I thought that was a good read, @SymbolicSelf -- I'd like to hear more.
Some in Buddhism recommend being gentle with your emotions/feelings, that is where the "tend to it as you would a baby" comes from, particularly Thich Nhat Hanh. It doesn't mean to ignore it or do nothing about it, but to be gentle with yourself as you work with it because berating yourself over a negative feeling just makes things worse and creates continued negative feelings. Which is what most people tend to do-negative self talk because they let themselves or someone else down with their negative response.
@SymbolicSelf That is an interesting theory, but I'm not sure I agree with it. I don't hear fear addressed very often in the Buddhist literature I've read. Most of it has addressed emotions like anger, compassion, etc., but little mention of fear. But please feel free to continue. I'd also appreciate it if you could point me to some articles about this that a laymen can understand.
@karasti For some reason I feel compelled to defend myself after reading your post. I'm not a truculent person, ready to offer insult or a fistfight at the smallest slight. It's quite unusual for me to harbor anger for this long, which is why I felt it necessary to post about it. Normally I can let anger go in a few minutes, but this morning was different.
Some more background may also be necessary. I'm a contractor (i.e., a temp) at the company I work for. My co-worker is a full-time employee. Some years ago I was called in for being chronically late (about 5-7 minutes on a pretty consistent basis), and I rectified my behavior. So there's a perceived injustice on my part. Either there's a double standard being applied to contractors, or she somehow merits special treatment.
IF we have conflicted emotions [everybody puts hand up] then we need tools to deal with all arisings including:
Here is everyone's favourite Buddhist superhero and solution - MR CUSHION (family pic)
@nakazcid I wasn't trying to be snotty in my post, my apologies. My only intention was to get you to consider that you chose anger that took quite a lot of precious moments from your life..many more than the supposed offense committed against you. I read in a book once that feelings come and go, just like random thoughts, they arise and fall when we let them. They don't become emotions until we latch onto them and combine our random thoughts with the random rising feelings and then giving meaning to both where perhaps it wasn't warranted. We do have a choice in participating in that.
Also, why assume that the girl is getting favor while you were spoken to? You don't know why she is late and perhaps she has a valid reason that has previously been discussed with those in charge and that is why she is not spoken to. For whatever reason, our thoughts like to take us to places that are the more negative of the situations. Again, you can choose another thought pattern. Maybe instead of assuming an injustice has occurred, think of reasons she might be late that could be good reasons. Maybe she has daycare issues, maybe she has car issues, maybe she is caring for an elderly relative. Applying what we'd consider to be good reasons for a situation that is occurring can lessen the intensity of our negative feelings very quickly. If you went to your boss and complained about the unfairness of her being late and not getting in trouble, and you were given a good reason why it was so, how would you feel? Sheepish, to say the least? I try to assume the best of people because I've had people assume the worst of me only to have to explain to the person that they were being judgemental of something they knew nothing about. For example, I had a lady in a store tell me it was ridiculous I was putting my child on a low carb diet because she heard me tell him poptarts had too many carbs. She couldn't have known he was diabetic...but then she should have minded her own business.
Apologies if someone's already said this, if so I am reinforcing it ha ha.
Meditation won't 'naturally' decrease anger, like a tonic (wouldn't that be great?).
What were the thoughts going through your head as you sat there handling the phones for the 20 minutes she was late? Specific thoughts, what were the words? Write them out or speak them out loud, in full sentences. If you 'don't know' right off the bat, don't stop there! Go back and REMEMBER what was going through your head.
If it were me, I'd be thinking "This is so disrespectful for her to be late. She knows I'm doing two person's jobs here, we need two people to properly take care of all these calls." and "This is unfair, what's so hard about being ON TIME??" I'd be have angry feelings all this time too. "She is completely insensitive being late, don't I have my own jobs to do without doing hers too?" and so forth.
These thoughts are WHY you got angry. They cause anger and inflame it.
The point is NOT to not have these thoughts, but like in meditation, to note these thoughts when they occur and NOT buy into them, get in the car with them, or embellish them and let them take over. They are just thoughts like the thoughts running through your head during meditation.
If it were me I'd be thinking "Why should I detach from MY thoughts, she's the one that's always late goddamnit!" Detach from that one too
Oh, I just thought of something else, something I'm working on becoming aware of in daily life.
Have you ever heard the term 'error of attribution'?
So how I 'work' with it when I've decided some person is a crass jackass, I try to come up with several EXTERNAL situational factors to go along with my innumerable, cynical ideas about a person's internal disposition.
What if her husband is fighting with her in the mornings? Or a child won't go to school? What if she drinks herself into oblivion and can't wake up or has a hangover? There are hundreds of things that can make a person chronically late AND some of them, granted, are due to personality issues.
The 'fundamental attribution error' overly focuses us on how awful and bad the other person is. It gives no voice to external factors that would make a lot of sense out of their behavior. You don't do this to be all lovey dovey, you do this because it is at LEAST as true as the internal factors (she's lazy and insensitive).
Nah you won't find this in the Pali canon, but this idea fits in well inside the subject of the Fourth Noble truth and all the 'right this and that'.
Besides, when YOU are late, it's not really 'lazyness' or lack of concern for your coworkers, right? Something outside your control happened.
Anger usually catches us by surprise. Like unexpectedly driving into traffic or getting caught in a jam of some sort. For some that are not in a hurry, it's not so bad depending on how long the wait is. Sometimes it helps to plan ahead or have a few things available when a situation calls for it.
That's where practice comes into play. The more we practice, the more prepared we are when anger arises. The more we practice, the more positive we will become. The more positive we become, the more positive thoughts we have. That's all we need to get through negative emotions. Just having positive affirmations readily available.
I agree, that's why mindfulness is so important, putting some space around all these thoughts and feelings, seeing them more clearly and calmly, not getting so caught up in the habitual reactions.
Basically, what @SymbolicSelf is saying is that we get angry because of a situation beyond our control, which we wish to control, or wish we COULD control.
The fear is the fear of that loss.
It is beyond our remit, and it is disquieting.
Recognise the parts you can do something about, recognise the parts you can't do anything about, do something constructive about the former, and release the latter.
In is case, the PRACTICAL former solution would entail asking whether the late-comer had a problem, and asking her to call if she is going to be late, and finding out whether they need moral support.
On a Buddhist level, you would practise empathy and compassion, without being the doormat.
If she takes advantage and it becomes a habit, then the solution to THAT problem may entail your becoming more forceful.
With regard to handling your own emotions, it's much easier when you realise WHY this exactly pisses you off.
Once you hit the rationale, anger falls away more easily.
This morning she was 10 minutes late. But this time only a little anger and fear. Maybe expressing it here, and seeing some possible alternative causes for her lateness dissipated the anger. Now I just need to do that in my own head.
As regarding @SymbolicSelf's post I do see some fear arising. I'm just not sure it's the root cause of the anger.
Expressing compassion towards her and finding more about her situation is tough. Working through the anger towards sincere compassion may be too advanced for me. And then there's the fear she'll just throw it back in my face. Which I suppose I'd have to accept as a possibility.
As for why it pisses me off, the explanation is probably the perceived injustice of it (why is she so special, she can get away with this, why can't I?) I'm not saying it's necessarily logical, but it's definitely there.
Of course it's logical. The question, is valid. It concerns a smoothly-run workplace, where team-members certainly support one another, but that doesn't mean letting them take advantage of you.
I think sometimes, a mild, non-confrontational "if you have a problem being on time for any reason, it may be worth talking to 'so and so' to get your shift pattern changed?"
If you get the retort, "I don't have a problem being on time", then clearly, she's just damn bone-lazy, inconsiderate, rude and selfish.
Sorry, but she is.
you're within your rights to seek some kind of redress.
There's being 'nice and compassionate' and there's being a punch-bag....
In the US, it's often quite discouraged for employees to deal with such work-related issues on their own with co-workers. It is usually more encouraged to work with problems through bosses/superiors and/or human resources, and if you have a policy handbook to go on while talking about it, all the better. We once had an employee who used to wear tank tops under her sweat shirt. Tank tops were against dress code, and she knew it, so she'd walk by the offices with her sweat shirt on and then at her cube, take it off. Then she'd lounge all day with her sweaty armpit over the edge of a chair that other people had to share with her. But we could not address it with her, we had to address it with her supervisor.
But as with most things, if you decide to talk to someone about it, you go at it from a place of yourself and not "GAWD, this girl is always late and I'm so tired of it! Why can she be late and I can't!" but more so "I've noticed that several days this week, so-and-so has been at least 10 minutes late. It's affecting the ability for our company to be able to properly provide for the customers. We have too many phone calls coming in and I cannot handle them all. If she can't be here on time, is there someone else who can help with the phones during that time?" or something along those lines. It leaves room for you to accept that maybe she has a valid situation going on that makes her late, but also brings it to the attention of people who might not realize she's always late. It's a tricky place to be in because no one likes a tattle tale, but more than that, they don't like issues that affect their customers and thus their bottom lines.
But whichever way you decide to proceed, try not to think of it just as how it's affecting you and making you angry. Look at the bigger picture because that is always what companies are after.
@karasti Yes, my fiancee has recommended taking a similar tack and approaching our supervisor about this. I'm still debating whether I want to be a "tattle-tale" and considering the possible consequences. I don't want to get sucked into office politics, or have a number of people angry at me for getting their friend into trouble. Or, to be completely honest, have her angry at me. I feel miserable when someone is upset with me, even strangers, though it's gotten better as I've aged.
Yes, it's always difficult to rock the boat at work. It's up to you to determine which is harder on you, the stress of having to deal with the possible politics and work fallout, or the stress of dealing with her being late. Once you make a decision either way, be confident in it and figure out how you will handle it yourself. I've worked many years in a call center, so even though that's not exactly what you do, I understand what you go through. It's very hard when you depend on others to do their job so your job isn't more difficult. But sometimes you have to remove the personal aspect and make sure others know what is going on. If being late is against company policy and she has not gotten caught yet, there could be other things going on if she doesn't have a reason to be late. She could be doctoring her time sheet to show she isn't late, or something else. So on the flip side of "maybe she has a good reason to be late" there could be "she might be causing more trouble than you even know" and perhaps the bosses need to know. It's not an easy decision, I don't envy you. Meditate on it
Thank you @Jeffery. Okay, @federica has stated exactly what I meant about fear when she mentioned control but for now let me skip that and try to aid you to see exactly what is fueling your anger and how, perhaps to calm it down enough to talk to your co-worker, if necessary, to solve this problem. Talking to her while you're angry or while the anger is sitting in you, even deep down, will likely trigger her anger and make it worse.
Behind every emotion that we have lies a belief or layers of beliefs and this is certainly the case with anger. Anger is so difficult to deal with because it is just so difficult to even admit you have a belief, let alone question its validity. Anger creates a demand belief and behind every demand belief is another until you get to a core belief.
Let's see if we can get to yours by writing it out a bit: "She must not do this. People must not be inconsiderate of other people. People must not be hypocritical. Nobody in the world should ever be hypocritical and inconsiderate of other people." There, that's likely the underlying core belief that's likely fueling your anger.
“Nobody in the world should ever or must ever... etc” It's what is silently going through your head for many more hours than you'd like fueling this uncomfortable emotion called anger which is far more detrimental to your well-being than to hers at the moment. Believe me, I know.
Let's see if we can figure out if this belief is worth holding onto or would it be better to moderate it a bit or just let it go?
First, let's ask ourselves if this belief is true in all cases. We'll try it out and test it. L
et's imagine that you discovered somehow that she's late because she's been diagnosed with cancer and is getting treatments every morning and hasn't told anyone because she's afraid and ashamed or somebody she's helping somebody she loves in this situation and is risking her job to do this.
Of course this is very unlikely but suddenly you can see that the belief that nobody in the world should ever be inconsiderate of other people is simply not true. In some very unlikely cases, what she is doing, even with all the hypocrisy is permissible. She might have handled it better, but it's certainly forgivable and you can see that there is no “abstract moral principle” that is sitting out in space or is part of nature or part of reality, as we (myself included) tend to believe when somebody does something hypocritical and crummy to us.
Many of us do not question our beliefs, in part because we do not even notice that they are in fact beliefs, especially in the case of anger. They're just common sense reflexes like "people should never be hypocrites"etc. But there is a belief there and I'm not saying your claim that this woman should not be late is in any way incorrect or inaccurate. But I am saying that the part of the belief that is silently saying: "In all cases people should never be... etc. is the part that's inaccurate.
But I also believe that it's this part, this “in all cases people should never ever do something like this” is likely the part most responsible for taking your frustration at her lateness, which just says, what a bummer that I have to answer the phones, into how dare her, that hypocrite, I'm so angry at her! Etc.
Next, let's see what parts of this painful situation you do have some control over at the moment, let's look at the options and see if any of these options would be more likely to be effective if there was no anger.
1 You can tell your boss about her, but as you say that could be detrimental in its own way
2 you can talk to her about it and hope that she wakes up to the unfairness of what she is doing.
That may be necessary at some point but wouldn't it be more effective to do that without the anger? What if she laughs at you or tells you she's going to get you fired if you so much as look at her? Wouldn't that engulf you in anger and turn this into a true hell for you?
If somebody who was truly compassionate tried to change your ways wouldn't you be more likely to change than if somebody who is angry and indignant confronts you? So wouldn't it be better for you (and the key here is for you) if you got rid of the anger and approached her with something closer to a neutral calm?
Maybe we can change the belief so that it's not a world wide proclamation and turn it into something a bit more local.
First, you understand through the example above that the world wide proclamation belief is not “a part of nature” nor is it some moral principle sitting above everyone's head like a god, it's not a principle of nature that hypocrisy or even lying is wrong. In some cases, it might actually be okay.
So, you can see that global aspect of the belief is simply not true.
In a moment, we'll alter it to be a true belief but for now, let's ask even if it were true, whether or not it serves a useful purpose. To this end you might ask: what would my life be without this belief?
You might reply to this question with: Okay, I can see that I do have a belief that's making me angry but I have to have this belief because people need to stick up for themselves and not get run over as this woman is clearly doing to me. I am certainly not made out of stone!
I would respond: is this really true that you have to have it? Is there any way you can stand up for yourself without this belief that makes you anger? Did Gandhi, Martin Luther King, did the Buddha need anger to stand up for themselves? Would you like to try to get rid of this belief so that your anger goes away then if you agree that you don't need it? If so then you need to challenge it on another level, the level of reality. You need to put the truth to it and see if for what it is.
If you and I were talking, it might go like this.
“People must never ever be inconsiderate and hypocritical.”
“That's not true at all, they must be inconsiderate and hypocritical.”
“But why? Are you crazy? Why must they be?”
“Because they are, that's why they must be. How can something be that must not be? How could it be otherwise? Is there any case of anything that's ever happened including the holocaust that must not have happened?”
"Yes, of course, the holocaust must not have happened."
"That's not true, it did happen. It can't not have happened if it did happen."
"Well, this woman really must get to work on time."
"No, she must not get to work on time because she did not get to work on time."
Buddhism, at least for me, is about finding the true reality behind the multiple levels of illusions, so this sort of inquiry of peeling away the layers of beliefs, coupled with meditation on this illusion--my mind saying she must not have done this, when in fact she did it and therefore she must have done it, would be the way to make this emotion go the way of the dinosaurs. This emotion is ancient, it goes way back into our past and was necessary for our survival and so its disguise is its apparent necessity, still.
And yet the best thing that could happen in this world for the survival of the species or the planet for that matter would be the eradication of this ancient, destructive and unfortunate emotion that causes the holders of it as much or more pain than the targets of it.
War is always posited on the belief that there is some abstract moral, some abstract right and wrong that requires retribution. Going deep inside and finding the belief that it causing the anger and asking yourself whether it's true and then challenging it with reality, for at its heart is a running away from reality, a denial that something that's happening not happen.
Doing this does not mean you're exonerating her, does not mean that what she's doing is any less hypocritical or passive aggressive or just plain inconsiderate but it means you're taking your reaction to it out of the equation, you're relieving the pain that it's causing you.
Once that pain is gone, once the anger is gone, then you may be shocked, as I have been, how quickly the situation resolves itself.
The craving, the desire that reality not be reality is what is going on. Once that craving is gone, you will probably still prefer that she get there on time but you will be in a position to solve this problem without worsening it.
Edited to create legible paragraphs:
Note: PrinciPAL - head of a school. PrinciPLE - life-tenet.
@SymbolicSelf Just a small tip, paragraphs make long posts much, much easier to read. It is hard to keep track of where you are when a post is long enough to scroll farther than the length of the page on your computer. Press enter twice, it'll leave a space to make a new paragraph. Please.
Taken care of. Good call.
Note to all: if a post is too long and difficult to read, feel free to alert Moderators to that fact. We will gladly amend, with of course, no penalties...
Sorry, speaking as a mere member here, I find the post presumptuous, assuming and far, far too long.
Furthermore, I also find it somewhat patronising.
Frankly, it doesn't belong on forum, and would have been better sent as a PM.
thank you, I'll do that in the future!
With long posts I lose interest after 4 or 5 lines, hedgehogs have a poor mental capacity I suppose.....er, where was I?
Some Buddhist literature can be interpreted as telling the reader to not have any negative emotions and feel guilty if they do. At least that's how it was for me at first and that's what I'm sensing here.
My take on this:
Anger is a reaction to the energy arising as a result of something being off (coworker not carrying their own weight in this case), rather than a problem of its own. To avoid experiencing that energy is a hopeless endeavor, in my opinion. It's what we do with it that really matters and what we can work with. I find that if something is bound to anger me, it is best to confront the cause of that something rather than bottle it inside and let it grow. Meditation does help with becoming clear about the cause and a skillful way to go about addressing it.
So in this case it sounds like that worker being late is not uncommon. If so, I would politely and kindly talk to that person, with no witnesses. Just that act of not passively taking an injustice is already immensely empowering and more often than not will transmute the anger into something more constructive. How you talk is extremely important and that's where right speech comes in. How to resolve conflict is probably outside of scope here-- let's just say it's a difficult skill that ideally one should be improving over their lifetime. If talking doesn't work and that behavior is causing major problems, it's time to bring in the supervisor or start looking for another job.
Let me just emphasize that the Buddhist thing to do in such cases is not to learn to take cr*p with a smile and be happy no matter what. It's being clear and strong enough to know, in the given situation, what is worth fighting for, what isn't worth fighting for, as well as knowing how.