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Buddhist view toward one's parents after you marry
zenguitar
Bad BuddhistNew England Veteran
Hi Sangha, I am wondering how Buddhists are supposed to relate to their aging parents. I am especially interested in what should happen once you are married and have children of your own. Should one live and exist more or less separate from your parents, calling them maybe once a month? Or should one be much more supportive, perhaps even solicitous, being constantly in contact with them?
I am also trying to determine what the Christian viewpoint is on this subject, though that is really a question for another forum. 
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To me it's more of culture things, most west indies (Caribbean) people are expected for their parent to live with them in their old age...
Buddhists are just people. You relate to your parents (or whoever else) as people. With compassion and kindness. You won't find anything in the Buddhist teachings that says "call your parents twice a month until you are married, then once a month." You will find that Buddhist teachings speak highly of parents and highly recommend respecting them no matter what. No matter what kind of parents they are/were, you would not be here without them.
But aside from that, they are still people. I talk to my parents almost every day. But my mom lives 10 minutes away and my dad an hour. We do a lot of family things and they are very involved with my children. We are just a close family, though we have our challenges like any other. Even in the most difficult moments with them (or other family, including grandparents) the least I can do is keep in mind my gratitude for being born. The other details are up to us, and them. And they have causes and conditions just like we do that sometimes lead to them being really bad, even abusive parents. In those cases, it is good to be thankful for your birth, but at the same time, it might be healthiest for you and them to keep distance. It just depends.
I would try to approach this question through my meditative practice.
What you offer anyone should first be sieved through your efforts of transcending your own ignorance.
How you interact with others (like your parents) should reflect that.
Before Buddhism, respect parents, treat them nicely.
After Buddhism, respect parents, treat them nicely.
(To paraphrase a well-known dictum)
your words are beautiful like falling snow
You care for them the best you possibly can. It also depends on they want of course!
I'm sure there's stuff in the suttas on this if you google it, I think the Dhammapada covers it too.
Thanks, I think I saw a "Filial Piety" sutra somewhere. I think @how 's suggested approach is ideal. But what I'm trying to do here (perhaps misguided, as usual) is to show someone else that their aloof and cold attitude toward aging parents is wrong, and that my more affectionate attitude is right--or at least it's completely consistent with my ancient 2500 year old system of values, so get off my case already!
Clarification: When I wrote "get off my case" I meant this other person who has an aloof attitude towards parents, not anyone on the forum.
Everyone struggles. I struggle with my grandmother. I love her dearly but she can be judgmental woman who is very set in her ways, many of which originate from the Depression. She is very hard to deal with sometimes. If someone were to tell me "you are too aloof and cold with your grandma" I probably would not react favorably if they cannot see both sides. Depends on your relationship, too. If it's a sibling treating your parents badly, then that is a different approach from if it's a co-worker who is venting about their struggles and you only know on side. My sister and my dad do not see eye-to-eye, but I understand them both pretty well so I try to help them understand each other. But it is an attempt to help them both and not to get them to see things my way.
Oh, I see. Well as before, we can't tell other people how to live their lives, or rather we can but they aren't likely to respond in a positive way. Unless it's somebody we're really close to, but even then we should choose our words with care.
Maybe that's one of my problems, i.e. often trying to prove that I'm right rather than doing what is right for everyone concerned.
You got that right.
Trust me, we all fall into that trap, at some point.....
@zenguitar -- I wonder if your aging parents are wondering how they should treat you as you wonder how you should treat them.
In a Buddhist context, my Zen teacher told me twice (pretty emphatic for a Japanese person), "Take care of your family." Over the years, his words have rung true.
Now the only question is, who is your family? Or, alternatively, who is not your family?
That's been a big issue for me because I'm an adopted person. Increasingly I have felt closer to my birth family than my adoptive family, particularly in the light of recent events.
"Before Enlightenment Chop Wood Fetch Water-After Enlightenment Circularsaw Wood Turn On Tap"
"Buddhist view toward one's parents after you marry"
Show compassion and respect for all sentient beings...
Are parents sentient beings ? If the answer is yes, then you have solved your dilemma...
Sorry... What point are you making...?
"Pleasantry"