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Doubt
Mingle
Veteran
I have been feeling a massive doubt storm over the last couple of days. Its irrational but my mind is just looking for ways to prove everything I believe is stupid and I'm wasting my time.
1
Comments
Could just be my ego resisting. I went to counselling yesterday and my mind just kept telling me everything she said is wrong, and she only cares about my money. Went to my sanga after and I just kept thinking everyone there is deluded, I'm deluded there is no point to anything..
All I can say without getting jumped on by a few of the members here is.
Think of a water melon, in your hands. Feel it's texture, it's smell, it's weight. Imagine biting it. Taste the flavours.
Now open your eyes, where is the water melon?
Nowhere. It never existed outside of thought.
Thoughts are real. There content is not. They are symbols of reality like inches are to measurement.
Just because your thoughts say your sangha is deluded... In reality? Might not be the case.
Don't try and stop negative thoughts, it only fuels it. Just accept you feel this way. It's ok, it's part of life. Your mind is just tying to protect what it perceives to be in your best interest.
Objectively observing thoughts helps, it creates distance from you and them. I often imagine them to be in another language, if your thoughts were in African. Would there still be a problem?
I know it's rough now but you are perfect as you are, theres nothing wrong with you. Your just having a challenge. Just go with it!
You can see it is irrational so perhaps try to keep that as a touchstone.
It's a normal reaction after a first of anything - you're questioning yourself which is not a bad thing.
I'm sure your counsellor needs the money just as anyone else who is employed but equally I'm sure she is in the profession because she genuinely wants to help and likely she can provide a valuable contribution to your recovery.
The mind can be the stubborn of all stubborns especially under pressure of change where one 'defence' mechanism to maintaining the status quo may manifest as seemingly unpalatable, inescapable extremes.
Stick with the recovery process and be kind to yourself.
@Earthninja thanks. That's a great analogy. @Zero thanks if anything this whole therapy is making me realise just how erratic my mind can be. I think counselling combined with meditation and sanga visits is definitely an efficient road to psychological improvement. Of course though my mind is going to fight every step of the way. I'm going against the grain after all..
@Mingle
There is questioning and there is our innate conditioning which tries to control that process.
When our conditioning imparts questioning with negatively, it's called doubt.
When our conditioning imparts questioning with positively, it's call naivete.
When our conditioning is not tied to the questioning, it's called meditation.
Believing something, requires us to hold onto an idea in contrast to the Buddha/Dharma which simply says that** everything that arises must also depart** and is also intrinsically void, unstained and pure.
Why worry over the beliefs that are only the conjuring's of yesterdays mind when meditation can offer you the continually unfolding truths of this present nano second.
Buddha had that same experience and put it into terms of the temptations of Mara.
(Padhana Sutta)
Are you able to watch thoughts arise and pass without identifying with them? That is, can you see that thoughts are not self?
If you can do this (meditation can help even if it takes time) then perhaps you will see that you are not your thoughts and will be better able to weigh each ones usefulness with more objectivity.
When these thoughts come up and you are mindful they can either be examined or let passed untouched.
I could be wrong but if you can even just get to the point of seeing how this is possible then your doubt will fade and optimism can start getting more focus.
Mind is not your enemy. Mind is confused and needs compassion. Fighting it will only make it worse.
Work with it. Remember, it's mindfulness, not mindlessness. You are developing the mind, not trying to kill the poor thing.
Just my two cents.
I think it's both brave and wise for you to share your skepticism, @Mingle. It shows others that we can survive our sardonic / naïve nature.
@ourself yeah I meditate and I can detach from thoughts. I find it is easier in certain states over others. Whilst feeling doubt I have found is very hard not to see thoughts as truth. Although hard I still can look at it subjectively as just a feeling.
Forgive me if I'm crossing boundaries but could I suggest trying to see thoughts as tools? It may be easier to detach from than "feelings".
Seeing thoughts subjectively is why we're in a lot of this mess.
We can have a thought and then a minute later another thought can contradict it causing us to change the way we look at or feel about something. So thoughts can't be truth, see?
They can help us chip away the b.s. through logical discourse but anything you can examine is not you.
Thoughts can help us articulate our feelings and change our views but they are not "I", I don't think.
This was important for me personally to figure out because it helped me with my anger and yes, rage immensely.
Thoughts are not "I" but as soon as thoughts are spoken or acted on they become our actions and the actions are what we must own.
Whether we act out of unexamined, angry thoughts or unexamined, doubtful thoughts the consequences arise.
Not so if we only think them, learn from them and let them go.
You mentioned the culprit, @Mingle: mind.
Monkey mind that keeps chattering and throwing negative reflux, to boot.
If you can't silence it, at least don't listen to it.
Why should you? Why should the bad and the ugly be more true than the positive and nice?