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Dealing with depressed friend?
dantepw
Veteran
Hi everyone!
So, recently, my best friend fell in depression. Basically it is because she's working and studying all day long (like 16+ hours/day) and she is not even sure if that is what she wants to do with her life.
We have a very strong relationship and I would like to know (from a buddhist point of view) how I could help her dealing with it.
She is not a buddhist and she doesn't wanna take medications and/or go to a therapist.
Do you have a partner/friend who experiences depression as well? How do you deal with it? Thanks everyone for reading, peace!
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Comments
Tell her thar having chance to study and work is blissful. When study will get finished then there will be less struggle.
she might not have 'depression' in a medical sense. from my perspective having gotten older I now realize that as 20s in school I had time and youth on my side.
from a buddhist sense I am not sure what to say!
@rohit It seems like the stress from work and studying triggered something deeper. It is like she doesn't feel like doing anything, pretty much like anhedonia.
Ya, it's stressful to work 16hrs a day. Is there possibility of work to minimise? Or change of job? Study should be completed any how for better chances of employement.
people with depression need someone to talk about their problems (spew), a lending ear
that is what therapist do
if there is no one to hear they think, think, think to find a way out of their problems and thinking make it worse, and at the end of the day they will be tired of their own thinking without a solution and making them depressed
just lend your ear and remember not to take anything into your heart
otherwise you will be stressed out with your friends problems
if she/he can talk to someone his/her stress will be reduced
remember and remind yourself everything will be changed (impermanent , not to our liking) and as a compassionate thing you let her/him to talk
Sorry to hear that!
Here is my quick fix day to day anxiety reduction battle plan!
1) Clean your house, work space. (If her external environment is nice and clutter free, her emotions may follow) you could clean her house
2) tell her to have a nice shower and wear her best clothes. (Her self image will improve, again help her mood)
3) Get some sunlight! Go for a walk in her lunch break. Studies show a link between lack of vitamin D /sunlight and depression.
4) 20 minutes of exercise! This will deactivate flight or fight response from stress and boost endorphins.
5) Practice mindfulness, are my thoughts about this situation true? In reality is it really that bad?
This kind of stuff is a quick help tool that one can do to instantly feel better.
Depression is so hard, it could be linked to her work load like you said. It may pay her to take a break and reevaluate things.
16 hours will burn anybody out.
From what you have described, she is studying (school) and working meaning she is going to school, apparently full time and working full time. 16 hours a day is a rough schedule. We humans are social animals. That she knows you are there and that you care goes a long way.
She is under ongoing ongoing stress, clearly. A friend of mine worked full time while going for her Masters. She too had high stress and, as a side effect, the fight with signs of depression. She made it through and now has a great position doing the work she enjoys.
Earthninja came up with some nice ideas.
A clean work and home/study area help.
Clothes do make a difference. Happy colors do help make one feel better.
A walk in the Sunlight helps with both vitamin D and the circulation.
An exercise** that she enjoys** really helps (endorphans, stress buster...)
Finding a quiet spot to mentally let go - or just stop, streach, relax and take a few slow deep breaths at her work station or while studying - It relaxes, breaks up the routine and gives the body/mind the opportunity to at least partially reset.
Purely as a Buddhist, again, just be her friend as you already are.
Peace to all
Don't 'tell' her anything.
But listen plenty.
Men are problem-solvers. They believe that if a woman off-loads, she wants a solution.
Not necessarily.
If a woman off-loads, most of the time, she just wants to off-load and have a sympathetic ear, and shoulder to cry on.
"Is there anything you'd like me to do for you?" Is a good opener.
She is obviously working to hard, 16 + hours every day is crazy, she is tierd and has been craving for sucess/gain/status, this will not make her happy or peaceful, its the typical trend for the modern world we live in.
My advice is to go out with her in nature and keep it calm and simple, try to do one lazy day or two, doing absloutly nothing, watching the birds and the threes. If you can, make a good chocolate cake to her, then she will relax more
Our body and mind need fresh air, we cant be under pressure for to long, same with an engine, they also need to cool down when they work to hard, if not they stop and crash.
Be supportive and offer advice, but don't be dismayed if the advice isn't taken because people are not always ready to hear the truth.
Depression is a terrible, terrible affliction. Depressed people are sometimes unable to do simple things that would help, even when they can clearly see that they should. It's a baffling, frustrating feeling and not at all easy to deal with.
It might not be her schedule. Many other people work long hours for many years and don't get depressed (lawyers trying to make Partner, medical interns and residents), and other people have easy schedules but become deeply depressed. Regardless of the cause, you probably can't help the depression.
But you can certainly help HER. You already are, by being a friend, and caring. Listen, love. One of the best things about Buddhism is it helps us see clearly. Be willing to say what you see sometimes, and know when not to. Meditation can help a LOT and no Buddhism is required. Look into the currently popular Mindfulness movement.
Why not meds? Her depression might be entirely biochemical. I've seen people totally transformed by some very mild meds, then use a fitness program and get off them.
Good luck! You are already doing the most important things, being there and caring.
A watched pot never boils.
Thanks everyone for the input, guys! Yeah, @Earthninja gave great advice. It is definitely anhedonia and exercising would be part of the treatment, but she doesn't want to exercise or stop/lessen works and studies.
It is tough to see a loved one suffering and not willing to do anything about it.
From someone who has dealt with depression for the last 10+ years, the best you can do is to be there for them and show them that you care. encourage them in what they are doing and remind them to take some time for themselves.
And, for me, hugs always work.
@ajhayes Thanks for sharing your perspective, good friend.
Do you think the same would work in case of anhedonia (not feeling anything towards anything)?
Hard to say. The best you can do is try.
Maybe get your friend into meditation or awarness practice can be good, maybe buy a book of TNH to her? She can watch and recognisze her
painfull thoughts to be true right there when they arise, but then let them go with a smile and metta, and dont hold on to them...its impermanent, smile and see the good things in this world, there are many things to be happy for..
@Namada Thank you for the tips and video, unfortunately it wouldn't work very well with her. But, personally, this video helps me dealing with the situation because I've been suffering about the whole situation as well. Thanks!
Is she diagnosed with depression or is she struggling (like many do) with a temporary difficult time in her life? There can be a difference. If she is diagnosed she needs to talk to her medical professional if whatever is prescribed for her (medication or otherwise) is not working. If she insists she does not want to take medication, then she needs to implement some self-care instead. One cannot continue on a crazy train in life and expect anything to change. If she cannot implement stress relief, better nutrition and exercise into her routine, then she might need to consider medication short term until her life settles down and she can focus on herself. If she continues on this path, she will wear down her immune and adrenal system and she will struggle even more. Sometimes, we have no choice but to bear heavy work loads and stress, but we can do things to alleviate the affect they have on our bodies. If we choose not to do so, there will be consequences. I'm not saying you should tell her any of those things, just saying maybe if the opportunity arises she can be shown that yes, medication might not be ideal but it at least might help if she is unable/unwilling to make other changes. You can't wish away stress and depression, and not dealing with it usually only makes it worse.
As far as your part, sometimes the best thing we can do when someone we love can't let go of their stressful life, is to practice letting go of our stress and anxiety about their stressful life. When someone hurts and struggles, then we do as well but we might recognize there are better options. You will be better able to be there for her, open and compassionate to what she needs, if you take care of yourself, too. Meditate more frequently (even for a few minutes at a time before you see her for example). You will gain insight how you can best support and assist her if you are approaching her situation from an open place within yourself. She is already struggling and unsure how to cope. She doesn't need you to struggle for her as well.
@karasti thank you for the input, it was very helpful
She is consulting a therapist (she finds it necessary but she feels like she is weak for doing it) and hopefully it will help her.
I am doing the best I can. Anhedonia is a mean sickness. It makes me sad that if she could just quit her job she would feel much better. And she can, she doesnt have bills or anything to pay at the moment... But she doesnt listen to me and sometimss it makes me upset. But that is fine, lately i've been learning good ways to deal with it.
As everything, this too will pass.
Peace out!