Self Acceptance and Self Improvement
Mingle
Veteran
Hi NB been a while. I was going through abit of a down period last we spoke around new year. Anyways I decided to stop moping and get myself down the gym and It has given me new motivation and confidence along with goals. I also have a friend whom I have a text relationship with and she has been struggling with weight issues in the past and she has done really well to lose her weight becoming skinnier than her daughter's. Me and her sorta have this body dismorphia (dont think I spelled that right) thing going on though in which whatever progress we make wether ots her losing weight or me gaining it we still see ourselves as the way we were before. In a way it is good as it pushes us to keep going but its a hopeless journey to reach the unachievable satisfaction. Ive learned lately that goals even though inherently good things to have also have a dark side in which they undermine the person you are now as your basically saying to yourself I cant be happy until I achieve this. We cant give up goals though. How do we improve ourselves without undermining ourselves?
Comments
Acceptance of one's self (and please, Moderator's note: let's not get into fatuous arguments about 'self' 'me', "I" or anything else that's deeply philosophical, potentially divisive and generally off-topic, here, ok? Any posts like that, and I will delete them with no further warning. Thanks.)
As I was saying, Acceptance of one's self, starts in the mind, with what you tell yourself.
So no matter what external improvements you - and/or your friend - might make, what achievements you might gain, what goals you reach - if, in your minds, you are telling yourself the same thing as as usual, and what's more, (sadly) believing them, then no amount of physical progress will make the slightest bit of difference.
I can't vouch for this being the standard practice everywhere, but certainly here in the UK, if a woman attends a reputable clinic for plastic surgery simply for aesthetic purposes, she is required to submit to a psychological review to determine whether the issues driving her to changing the way she looks, are driven by deep warped-self-image reasons and problems. I know personally of one woman who was refused surgery by a clinic for these very reasons. They advised her to seek prolonged psychological help and support. I'm glad they did, it was what she needed, far more than a surgeon's sculpting knife.
My point is, that the physical changes you and your friend have achieved have all been self-propelled, without any surgical assistance. But the psychological problems that might have been exposed during your preliminary evaluations, had you followed that route, have not been either addressed or resolved.
You need to cope with those factors, and maybe consider a professional route, in order to make the mind match, accept, celebrate and enjoy, the body.
Well I feel the gym work is helpful as you mention. Exercise is very useful to many of us. What you are kind of asking is, 'how do I change a patch job into real change?' You want to be happy/happier but a real happy?
We need expert advice. I call on @Mingle to answer his own question and way forward ...
I can love myself, accept myself, and still accept that I am not perfect.
Improving ourselves is akin to growing.
We are always growing, evolving, learning.
I change what can be changed and accept what I can't change.
You don't shout to a child as they learn something they did not know.
Why should we have less compassion for ourselves as we make mistakes, learn, grow?
I think part of the way you are languaging this is what's causing you pain. You are not "improving yourself." For one thing, your body is not your self. The source of your compassion and goodness is not your body weight, or muscle mass, or the presence or lack of visceral fat. Secondly, if you are "improving" anything, it is your health -- not your "self."
That said, I fully understand that our physical appearance is deeply tied with our feelings about ourselves. To other people, we ARE our physical appearance, in a very real way. People can treat us with acceptance or cruelty based on whether we are the right weight, or the right height, or the right race, or the right age, or the right gender. Add to that the fact that our physical appearance is often the manifestation of our emotional life. When I was growing up, I was frail and ungainly, and was constantly teased by boys in school for being so skinny and unathletic. This made me ashamed of my body, and it further dissuaded me from ever taking up sports or training physically for many years. My frail appearance as a teenager was the direct result of anxiety and shame about my body. Another child may overindulge in rich foods to soothe other feelings: loneliness, stress at home, anxiety, anger, etc.
So, we can view our physical appearance in very personal terms: our bodies can be a biography of our whole lives... or, at least, can tell the stories of our most traumatized periods.
And yet... you are still not how you look. How you look can be a reflection of your life, but it isn't your life. In my sophomore year of high school, I had the luck of having an amazing history teacher who noticed I was liable to fall through the cracks. He coached the wrestling team and encouraged me to join, which I did. I quickly gained weight, strength, and muscle... and also confidence and skill. But I didn't see it as a betrayal of my boyhood self: that scared, lonely, timid boy who spent recess in the library didn't go away. He was still with my in my wrestling days, and is still with me today. He teaches me about compassion, and about how to look beyond appearances.
I think who you are today is trying to teach you how to look beyond your goals, how to see beyond your weight. You are impermanent, after all. There's always something beyond our storylines and fixations of the moment at any given times.
awesome post @Glow
Thanks for sharing. I agree with much of what you say, people are so intertwined with their body/mind/emotional being complex.
Independence or non attachment to opinions/thoughts and body based clinging is ... what is it again ... The Middle Way. Our body and mind don't go away until we turn into a rainbow [good luck with that] however we are more than our particulars ...
Thanks. That was such a badass answer.
It comes down to first accepting yourself, warts and all then begins self improvement.
If you cannot accept yourself, there is no basis for self improvement.
But that is just my take on it.
Peace to all
OP, it's about finding that Middle Way between clinging too tightly to goals, vs. being too lax. It's good to have goals, but not if you obsess over them and let the lack of achieving them affect your self-esteem or self-perception. Also consider whether the goals you've set are realistic, necessary or practical. Do you really need to look like Schwarzenegger? (Just an example.) As long as you're healthy and are no longer depressed, you should be content. Perfectionism is a manifestation of ego.
I had assumed that you started going to the gym as a way to resolve the depression you were in. Exercise does have that effect, so as a therapeutic tool, it's valuable. Once it becomes an ego crutch, though, I would say it's no longer valuable or positive in its influence.
Congratulations on bouncing back from your funk! Now be careful in examining your motivation--is it ego-based? Is it going too far? You can choose how far you take it. This is where mindfulness can be very helpful. Mind your motivation and thought processes in this regard. Adjust as needed.