I finally unearthed an interview with Andrew WK (a compassionate and spiritual rocker party god) and Deepak Chopra I read years ago. This section reminded me of experiences I had but which scared me, and I repressed them.
Now, on the outside, I appear to do everything else. I go to social functions, I’m on the stage, I travel, I cross the world — but I’m witnessing that. It’s not me; it’s my body and my mind that travels around the world and does what it does. There’s a part of me that never leaves home. And home, I don’t mean this location. Home, I mean outside of space and time. Which is the ultimate party. <
Sometimes I feel dissociative. I have felt it when badly mentally ill. I have felt it again recently. Knowing how I felt before I know it's not the same. I don't think it's bad. Before I felt like I was no one and nothing and I had no way to reliably connect with reality.
Now sometimes I feel like reality is distanced from me. I am experiencing life, but I can dip into a pocket of my mind that is totally relaxed and separate from what is happening.
But it isn't scary or bad. Just calm.
But I am worried about the logistics. I don't want to turn this into something negative and lose its purpose. It is very easy for me to exploit something as an escape from life. Spirituality is definitely included in this. No matter if I view Buddhism as helpful for not.
I do not know what this experience is. I don't want to work myself up over it before totally experiencing it, or jinx myself and never feel it again. But I would like to understand it more in order to learn and ease my worries.
Comments
Stay grounded.
The easiest way is through a physical practice, that could be prostrations, yoga, chi kung, gardening, walking, swimming etc. Activities grounded in spirituality will have health and balancing effects. What you are trying to do is bring yourself 'down' from your head ... if that makes sense ...
.... Now sometimes I feel like reality is distanced from me. I am experiencing life, but I can dip into a pocket of my mind that is totally relaxed and separate from what is happening.
....not know what this experience is. I don't want to work myself up over it before totally experiencing it, or jinx myself and never feel it again. But I would like to understand it more in order to learn and ease my worries.
Believe it or not, this is good. This is very good. This is extremely positive, in fact.
It has on occasion, happened to me. (That's not why it's good....)
We are often encouraged to look upon events, incidents, situations, experiences as if we were watching a play, with us within it as a character.
So we 'distance' ourselves from the stage, and observe our interactions; see, perceive how we feel, what we manifest, how we engage... observe whether the scenario is skilful and constructive.... Be in it but not of it....
From here.
You're not 'disassociating'. You're 'coming home'.
I'm not sure I understand but is the observer that observes your life from kind of a distance or separation... is that the same observer that observes anything else? Like the observer that observes sense input and looks out the window and tastes food? Same observer do you think or different?
I feel like it is still the same person who thinks sees and eats which I call myself. But I feel like I have a wider perspective. Time doesn't seem as short or long. Everything that happens is just another second in the day. And I really love watching it happen. But whenever I feel this, there's always the sense that I am removed from what's happening like I'm coasting on a calmer wave of thought. I still directly experience everything but it is diluted with an omnipresent sense of impermanence and vastness. I feel the same way when I am deep in Pure Land visualisations. Perhaps I'm in a a Pure Land as I feel this
Speaking further of Pure Land visualisations I wrote a poem and drew something that is close to what I visualize. I will post it here or start another thread solely on visualisations.
My exploration into Pure Land has been very fruitful and I only earnestly started just a few days ago! I have been reciting the nembutsu in my head mostly or aloud when alone. NAMU AMIDA BUTSU